Bleak
by roorah
Summary: Law blinks a couple times before nodding at the boy who's shouting at him, not really sure why he's responding. Why is he responding? He should be dead.
1. Lost and Found

**A/N: **Hi hi loves. So I don't know what to say here exactly other than this is a story I've found myself really into writing right now. But it'll have a list of triggers that I'll be posting at the beginning of each chapter so you all know and are aware of before continuing to scroll down. If you do continue to read the story, I really hope you enjoy it as much as I do. Review's fuel me to keep going, so please leave me your feedback! ~S

**TRIGGER WARNINGS: **Depression, Anxiety, Self Harm, and Attempted Suicide.

* * *

Everyone's had his or her bad days. Days where they're a bit more sad than usual, where they've just got absolutely no motivation to get anything done. The idea of lying in bed all day is the only thing they think is great, excellent even. So they can sleep away the sad. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case for Law. Every day for him, was bad. Sometimes they were worse, and when they were, he frequently thought of them as insults to his bad ones. For him today was one of those worse ones. He'd gotten a surprising five hour total of sleep for the past… four or five days. He has no idea, he's so sleep deprived he's got no memory of the date. To him, it feels like it could be a Wednesday, but then again so did yesterday, and the day before that.

He's walking down some street, he really can't be bothered to look through his darkened shades hiding his unbelievably horrible eye bags and look around for a street sign. He's got nowhere to go, he's just walking aimlessly through the city. Maybe he'll stop and get a coffee, a coffee sounds good. Straight black, no sugar, no milk. Sounds like heaven.

Coffee house, café, anything. He's desperate for the bitter taste to awaken his senses a little bit more so he can at least make it home without collapsing on the ground in front of all these people. He's got about six dollars. That's what he can make out with his fingers in his jacket pocket, unless by some miraculous standard one of the bills he's fiddling around with is a ten, or even a _twenty. _There's absolutely no way, but he's going to pretend at least for now he's got at least more than he's had in a long time. Some asshole blows smoke in his direction and he coughs. Son of a bitch, he thinks. The smell is putrid and fills up his nose in no time, making him sick to his stomach. He hasn't eaten all that much today, or in the past few days in general really, so he doesn't worry much about hurling onto the street. It'll pass, it will. Not before he lets out a few coughs, his throat burning and itching with the scent. He's gone about two months without smoking now, and he's beginning to crave again. He wants to smoke, he _needs _to smoke, or so his brain says. He's pressing his nails into his sweaty palms, and he can feel himself going clammy.

He's got a headache now, thanks to that asshole. But it will pass, it will. It has to, he thinks. He told himself he'd at least do one thing progressive today, something, _anything. _Even if it's just walking to the park, watching a dog take a shit that his owner casually disregards. Something to get out of the house he's been cooped up in for days. He remembers that there's nothing left, no food. Maybe he'll go shopping, that'd be productive wouldn't it? He needs his coffee first. His stimulant always came first. And after needlessly walking down a couple blocks, he stumbles upon a Starbucks. Just great, the expensive shit. He wonders if he keeps walking if maybe some other local café that's significantly cheaper will show up, but he's tired. Too tired to keep walking. He pulls the crumpled up bills out of his pocket and to his luck it's a ten. Starbucks it is. He walks in; the smell of fresh coffee beans is so deliciously sweet he could stay there forever. He gets in line, orders his drink and finds himself waiting in a crowd of obnoxious looking people who couldn't be bothered to take a second glance, but still feels like every eye in the café is on him, finding a way through his clothes and leave burn marks on his skin. It's disgusting. He's anxious now, ready to grab his coffee and run as soon as the damned barista yells out his name. Hurry up, hurry up.

Finally a girl calls out his name, smiles at him along with a poor attempt at a wink and hands him his coffee. He tries to smile back but he's pretty sure it comes off as more of an awkward facial expression someone makes when their muscles are cramped up. He passes through people, trying not to mutter anything because he's sure his voice is hoarse. He's thinking of that girls smile and thinks, how long has it been since he's last smiled? Since he's actually enjoyed being out and about in the city, wandering the streets for no particular reason other than simply enjoying the nice weather and getting out of the musty apartment for once?

Too long. He continues to walk down the street thinking maybe he'll stop by a grocery store and pick some stuff up, all the while rather bundled up for mid October. His unwashed hair hidden by his beanie, sweater layered on sweater with a jacket on top, to add. Ripped jeans that also hadn't been washed in… how long? He's got no clue, and he really can't find it in himself to care either. It's become rather _normal _for him now, like a sort of daily ritual where he wakes up and grabs the dirtiest thing near him. Too tired to shower, too tired to do the laundry. He's got no motivation and he can't remember what it even feels like to have any. It's been that long.

He takes large gulps of his coffee, the satisfying taste on his tongue and the warm liquid going down his throat is enough for him to let out a satisfactory sigh. He checks his watch, only half past ten. And normally his mind would scream at him to take the first bus he sees back home or maybe even run the distance if his poor lungs would let him so he could sleep, but right now, the strangely cold air hitting his face and neck is keeping him wide awake. A part of him can feel the wind going through every pore, hitting his nerves and sending shivers down his spine. But he's not _cold, _he likes the feeling. Likes feeling alive when he knows he's nothing but a pest on the side of the road who's more than likely to die a pathetic death that no ones going to care for. There's a woman ahead of him, looks like she has her hands full with two babies riding in a large stroller, crying. Shut up, he thinks. His migraine isn't getting any better with those two yelling and screaming, probably just desperate to suck the life out of their mothers breast. How annoying. He keeps walking, cringing when he passes them and one of them lets out a horrid shriek he could have gone without hearing so close, the mother continuing her conversation about what restaurant to eat at tonight on the phone, not paying much mind to her children.

He's annoyed and he sips his coffee like an angry child. He rolls his eyes, to himself mostly, but he's sure other people are watching him. Watching the way he pays such close attention to people and things happening along the street one might even call it creepy. Who cares though? Definitely not him. If he's got anything to care about its how he's going to pay this months rent. His landlord wasn't a bad guy, in fact just the opposite. A man of his word, and much too kind to even take advantage of. Though he already feels like he is, by the way the man lets him live there for free. He still wants to pay up, he hates feeling like a freeloader and the stress only adds to his impending depression that looms over him. He's nothing but a worthless coward, and why anyone would want to spend a second helping him is beyond any scale he can imagine. He's grateful, but doesn't feel like he deserves it. Of course he doesn't.

It's upsetting, usually going out helps him clear his mind and think about things that aren't all that bad in life. Like animals, cats being cute. But he hates animals, so it didn't do much good. He hates a lot of things. People that chew with their mouth open, people that spit while the talk, people that pay no attention to their kids, people. God, a smoke sounds so perfect right now he can practically taste it. He can feel the burn down his throat and it's killing him not to walk into the next convenience store and buy the cheapest pack they've got. Right now quality doesn't matter to him, he just needs the relief, to stop his hands from shaking. He knows his lungs and heart are never going to forgive him if he does, and he at least wants one part of him not to die out before he does. He drinks so much he's almost certain his liver has been poisoned to the point of no return. Still, can't find himself to care. This way he's sure to die quicker, and that sounds great to him.

He's just walking aimlessly now. He's seen six Starbucks', and he deems it unnecessary. His stomach growls at the sight of each one though, and he gets angry at himself. He's not going to eat until he _really _needs to. Where he feels he'll pass out if he doesn't. Nothing sounds appetizing to him anyway, the thought of food really turning him off if he's honest. He's got not delight, no appetite, no real reason to want to stuff his face with whatever he could conjure up with food he's got. He thinks about it for a bit before changing his mind, remembering it'd been at least two weeks since he'd bought that jug of milk and he was not about to try to remember if anything else was spoiled or not.

Law finds himself walking to towards a grocery store he spots a ways down. A few blocks isn't bad, he'll be fine and then he'll bus home. Sounds like a foolproof plan, one he hasn't had in… months. He's proud of himself a bit, for going out and making it this far. He's actually done something, or well, is about to and feels pretty good. He hasn't been this satisfied with himself in way too long and he misses the feeling. Of being able to get out and do things he's got to do. It isn't much, but it's something and that's all that really matters. He kind of wishes he had someone to tell this to, this revelation he's having right now on his way to buy groceries. He's stopped by the traffic lights though, only a block away from his goal and he can feel his hands shake again, but this time out of an odd excitement. He wonders if anyone can see him shaking through his clothes, probably not but he can't help but feel anxious at the thought.

He unconsciously starts walking across the street, his weak and tired legs carrying him as far as he needed to go, as far as he _has _to go and he's almost there. He can see the plaza with ten to twenty different stores and he's _almost there. _His eyes are focused on the goal, but he's sad. He's so sad, and he's so happy, but so terribly sad he just wishes he could drop off the face of the earth that second. His eyes dart to the side when he sees a car coming his way, then back to the traffic light, which has been red the entire time. He doesn't know why he started walking when it wasn't time. No, that's wrong. He knows why. And he's so close, one car coming at him at such a speed he's ready for it, he can feel it coming. He doesn't even want groceries anyway, is what he thinks while he continues walking at a snails pace, the car coming at him way too fast to slow down and not hit him, it'd at least break his leg or give him some internal damage. Maybe break some of his ribs and cause them to puncture his lung, killing him. Though he'd prefer it to be fast and quick, he'll take anything right now. He'll take slow and painful, he's pretty sure he deserves it anyways, so bring it on. Time feels like its slowing down and that it's taking ages for him to get hit, he just wants it all to stop, to all go away. That gross feeling of sadness making his chest tighten every single day for hours on end and that sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach every single time he thinks of how fucked up he is, how pathetic he is, how utterly worthless he is. No one needs him so it's perfect.

He closes his eyes and takes in one deep breath when time seems to catch up with him again and he feels himself colliding with the cold cement, his hands scratching against the pavement and breaking skin. His head hits the ground as well, not as hard as he'd imagined it'd be but it still hurts. He hears people screaming, some women shrieking and some men yelling at others to call an ambulance. He opens his eyes, why can he open his eyes? He should be dead, he should feel pain at least somewhere on his body, maybe even some blood draining from him, but there's nothing. Just a bit of thumping in his head from hitting the floor, and his ass kind of hurts too. He sees this kid, some scared looking teenager looking down at him and he can see his lips moving but he has no idea what's coming out of it. He's shit at reading lips.

"HEY! I SAID HEY! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!"

Law's looking right into his big eyes, terror written all over his face. He's bleeding too, a bit from his head. Law blinks a couple times before nodding at the boy who's shouting at him, not really sure why he's responding. Why is he responding? He should be dead.

"WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA ARE YOU TRYING TO GET YOURSELF KILLED?!" he hears, blaring into his ears like a loud horn.

Yes. That was the intention, but clearly his efforts had been thrown out the window, so to speak. He groans while trying to sit up, pushing the now angry looking teen off him and his vision is a bit spotty. It's pissing him off that he's able to move so freely. Like nothing had happened. He just stares back and the kid who looks like he's waiting for an answer or otherwise seems like he's going to punch him in the face. He just rubs his head and eyes with dirtied hands and notices just how many people have crowded around them. It's making him even more anxious than he's ever felt before, his skin is burning. He can feel the heat rushing to his face and his mind is scrambled all over the place. He's pretty sure his face looks dumbfounded, with maybe a bit of anger.

His hand as if on instinct goes to the back of his head, feeling around for any blood or crack in his skull but just feels a big lump that he knows is going to bother him for the longest time.

"Hello?! Are you a mute or something?! Answer me!" the boy is still yelling and frankly Law wants to punch him in the face to shut him up. And at the same time, wants to ask him a million questions but cant find the backbone to do so. Instead he coughs a couple times and gets up, legs shaky and hears everyone behind him telling him to sit back down and that an ambulance is on the way. God, that's the last thing he wants. For them to slap on some label of him being crazy and throw him into a god forsaken mental institute. He looks at the boy who he was sure now saved his life for some unknown reason before turning back the way he came and walking away, brushing off every arm that tried to hold him back and keep him on site of the almost crash to make sure he was a hundred percent okay. Just by looking at him a doctor would be able to tell he was, in fact, not okay. Not anywhere near a hundred, maybe somewhere down in the deep pit of the negatives. He keeps walking and his breath is shallow, he's frightened of the people shouting behind him. Asking the same thing over and over, _'are you okay?' _Fuck no he's not okay. He's not okay; he'll never be okay. He could have died, he should have died, and fucking would have died if that damn kid just minded his own business and let him go like the pathetic weasel he was.

He's still walking, a bit of speed added to his pace and he's still shaking. He's shaking, and panting, gasping for air and he feels like he's about to drop down onto the ground. It's not even noon and he's had one of the worst days he can remember. A lot of his life before the age of twenty two is a blur, he's lost. Both mentally and physically. His body stands on a street he's never fucking heard of before and he's half wondering how the hell he got here, and half clueless to everything around him. He sighs, pulling out his phone that, of course, has a freshly broken screen. Just his luck. This would happen to him, he thinks and he's just so painfully done with the day, whatever it is, and wants to go home. Thankfully his phone still works, the colors are a bit… fucked up but he's still able to search where the hell he is and far from home it is.

* * *

It doesn't take him as long as he thought before he's standing at the door of his apartment, struggling to unlock the door with shaky hands and barges in with the intention of taking as many pills he can. He kicks off his boots and throws his jacket to the floor. He doesn't just want to _sleep; _he wants to fall into an eternal slumber. Forever, and ever and be done with this horrible world he has to call his reality. He's sweating now, the heat from his apartment is sweltering so he pulls off his sweaters and tosses them on the floor of the bathroom. Reality was sickening, he was sickening. He stares at himself in mirror, water running and he hasn't stopped shaking since earlier. Sun is trying to peek its way through the window and he thinks it's mocking him. He's not sure how, it just is. He splashes cold water on his face and it drips down his neck and onto his chest, as well as down his arms, wetting the bandages he's applied earlier. He notices blood has seeped through and he wonders for a split second if it'd gotten on the inside of his sweater sleeve. It'd be a bitch to wash out. He's breathing so heavily he feels like his lungs are about to give out and pop right then and there. He fails to notice that he's started crying, his tears blending in with the water dripping down his face.

He strips off the rest of his clothes, and hops in the shower. He rips off the bandages and winces at the pain of the blistering hot water hitting his fresh wounds. And he stands there, water hitting the back of his neck, his head held down eyeing the dried blood washing off the cuts he'd inflicted on himself during the middle of the night and he's crying again. He's crying so hard his mind is tearing itself apart. He feels so helpless. Loneliness was his worst enemy. Every friend he's had left him, saying he was just too much to deal with and that they were better off not having to worry every second of every day whether or not he was still alive. He couldn't help that he was like this, what he would give, what he would do if he could change it.

* * *

"Okay so I want you to relax-"

"I _am _relaxed." He interrupts the woman who sits in front of him cross-legged, notebook in hand and pen ready to write away how crazy she thinks he is. Here we go again, he thinks to himself.

"Law, you're very tense. It doesn't take a psychiatrist to see that."

"Well this is _my _relaxed, so if that's a problem then I'll leave."

"Do you feel relaxed?"

"No."

"Why is that?"

"Psychiatrists are crap, to me at least. Don't I just sit here, spill my "feelings", and get some meds then leave? That's it. I don't actually get better."

"You have to want to get better, I can't do it all on my own. I'm not a miracle worker, Law." She tells him, smiling at him like it's some fucking joke or something and he clenches his fists and rolls his eyes.

"Do I have to get better? I mean, I could die and just get it all over with." He asks her, awkwardly really. He didn't mean to, he knows she cant give him a definite answer and will probably jot that down as further proof he should be sent away to some crazy house.

"Is that how you feel?"

"That I want to die, yeah. Beats sitting in this room talking about _feelings, _and sure as hell beats going back home to just be kept awake all night by shitty memories."

"Your family is still keeping you up at night?"

"Mmm, yeah. I'm pretty sure my sister told me to die last night too, it was kind of a weird experience."

"You're _pretty sure?_"

"I don't know- I closed my eyes for a couple seconds I think and she was just there listing off these reasons I should die." He says, handing her the paper that's been scribbled on in the middle of the night with no light to see what he'd written. He'd just done as the woman asked of him and didn't reread it in the morning.

* * *

"And you say you can't trust anyone?"

"Everyone I trusted turned on me, so no. I can't." He mumbles while twiddling his thumbs, looking straight at the woman who called herself a psychiatrist.

"How do you feel about that?" she asks, how does he feel, pathetic really. Like he's not worth it, but he doesn't say so.

"About them turning on me?"

"Yes."

"It infuriates me. But a part of me understands, I wouldn't want to be friends with me either." He admits, it's true and he has no reason to lie to the woman.

"But it does anger you, why is that?"

"I don't know. Because I expected them to care. They called themselves my friends and they left me when it got too hard for them. They… had no regard for me. And how I felt."

"I see-"

"And the… fucking hilarious part of it all was, when they'd need someone you know, they'd come to me, They'd ask me some bullshit questions about love and one girl asked me why her boyfriend didn't love her. How the fuck should I know? But I tried to talk her through it anyway. I on the other hand would ask a simple question; just one fucking question and I'd get some pathetic reply they probably thought up while taking a fucking shit." He spits out rather quickly, more like a ramble, he doesn't mean to be vulgar but he can't let it out any other way. He notices her nod and writes some stuff down, and then she looks back up at him.

"Have you made any friends after all this happened?"

"No. I'm pretty sure they'll all use me, in whatever way is convenient for them. It's terrifying." He adds, whispering the last part.

"You trust me though, you must since you're telling me all this."

"I don't really have a choice do I? Sitting here spitting all this crap out makes me feel like I'm going to break into pieces in this expensive ass chair. It's suffocating."

"You have a choice. You're not being forced to say anything. I won't make you say anything you're too uncomfortable with answering." She tells him honestly and kindly, not trying to force him to open up and he notes that down in his mind.

"Then we'd just be sitting here staring at each other for an hour." He tells her, letting out a little bit of a laugh that's all too emotionless and she catches that, replying to it with a kind of sad smile and he's grossed out.

* * *

He's sitting on the bathroom floor, soaking wet with a towel wrapped around his waist and he's still crying. He's picking at the softened scabs forming on his wrists and he's choking on his sobs. He looks over to the mirror cabinet, he's got all sorts of crap in there. Crap which if he took enough of, he could end all this. He looks back down at his wrists that have started bleeding again, staining the white towel he's got on and he just stares down.

He feels hopeless. All of this is hopeless. He stands up and rummages through the closet next to him, taking out the first aid kid and rewrapping bandages around his wrists with clammy, shaky, shriveled up hands. He walks towards his bedroom and somehow manages to get himself dressed, at least below the waist and throws himself onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling while his lip quivers at the bland looking walls above him. He feels trapped, in this inescapable hold of sadness that's bound him to the ground, and hung a massive storm cloud over his head. No matter how far he goes, he just can't shake it off. No matter what he does, he can't get away.

"Fuck, fuck fuck fuck!" he curses out loud, to no one but himself. "God go _awaaaaaay." _he says, pressing his palms to his temples in an attempt to squeeze out the thudding going on inside his head. He contemplates getting back up to grab the first bottle of pills that his fingers come in contact with and swallow its contents whole, but he's got no energy. His limbs are weak and limp like a man who's been starved for days. Which, he had been. His stomach grumbled loudly alerting him he was in fact, hungry as fuck, but still couldn't get up. He just lay in bed, toes curling into the duvet and squeezed his eyes shut. All his efforts were getting him nowhere, he pulled the covers over his head and squeezed his eyes shut once more, praying somehow he'd fall asleep and wouldn't be woken up by crummy nightmares of his dead family or by the neighbors annoying as fuck dog who seemed to have a sensor for whenever he'd fall asleep.

He tosses and turns. He's so tired but his mind won't let him sleep. It keeps him up, shouting putdowns and insults at him, pulling him further and further down the pit of no return and he's already so far gone he doesn't know how much further he can be dragged down.

_You're useless. You can't even manage to keep one friend, how pathetic._

_No one loves you, everyone's better off._

_There's not a single person in the world who would care if you died._

_Die. Die. Die. Die. Die._

He's under the covers and he feels like someone is above him, strangling him underneath them and he's losing all his air, oxygen escaping his lungs and his throat is so tight he can't take any in. The task of breathing has never felt so difficult before and he's tearing up, the covers soon dampened by the drops leaving his eyes and he abruptly sits up panting and gasping for air. He grabs hold of his own neck, not tightly but enough to reassure himself no one was there trying to kill him. He plops back down, a sting of pain rushing down the back of his head and spine when his head hits the pillows harder than he'd planned.

* * *

"How often do you find yourself wanting to plan or proceed with committing suicide?"

"Too often, I think." He admits while pinching the skin on his left hand, watching her pen move across the paper.

"Hmm… Why do you feel so eager to die?" she asks, and Law's not sure if he should answer honestly or just ask a question back. Words seem to spill off his lips without his consent, there's no holding back.

"I don't have anything to live for. It's just going to get worse from here, might as well put a stop to it before it does, I don't want to have to deal with it." He's all too scared of

"It'll only get worse if you don't do something to change it."

"What the hell am I supposed to do?" he asks her, a bit enraged now and frustrated he can't find the answer for himself.

"What do you want to do?" she asks back, and he's got only one simple answer for her.

"Die." He repeats back to her strongly, and stares at her with a sort of malicious intent only meant for himself but he knows she can read his eyes.

"I mean what do you _really _want to do Law? There must be something."

"Get a good nights sleep." He tells her, if anything that's a start, right?

"Is the medication I prescribed not working?" she asks and he almost laughs.

"It gets me maybe four hours of sleep, on a good day. I wake up with a gross metallic taste in my mouth though, like there's blood in my mouth all the time when there isn't." It's gross, like someone punched him in the face and he'd bit down on his cheeks and they constantly bled because of it.

"Well that is a side effect, but only four hours is quite low. For most people it should give you a proper eight hour sleep." She informs him and he scoffs before going back to pinch his skin even harder.

"I guess I'm just not like most people then." He replies curtly and there's a bit of a silence that dawns over the two of them as she scribbles onto her notepad and Law finds himself watching the pattern of the birds flying out the window and following them with his eyes. It's calming.

* * *

He finds himself sitting on the couch, eating a bag of potato chips and flipping through channels on the TV, hoping maybe there's something mildly interesting on.

He's wrong, there's absolutely nothing of interest on during the middle of the day but shitty talk shows and cooking shows that make him hungry and wish he had a gourmet lunch instead of a lame bag of Lays.

He's still flipping through channels with one hand, eating chips with the other when a commercial with a family that's much too similar to his own comes on and he feels his stomach drop. His eyes widen and he can feel sweat dripping down his neck as he pictures the young daughter and her mother as his own, he panics. Shouting curses at them and at himself for thinking of a harmless family pool commercial as his own. He turns the TV off quickly and lets the remote drop to the floor. Unfolding his legs and leaning over. He feels like he's going to puke and his legs are shaky, he's not really sure if he could make it to the kitchen sink let alone the toilet. He slaps one hand over his mouth and runs to the bathroom where he hurls out nothing but water and chips, the disgusting sound of himself hurling making him even more sick and he's breaking out into cold sweat as he continues to throw up.

When he's done he flushes it down and sitting in the same place he was in not too long ago. It's all like déjà vu to him and he's so tired of it. The same thing over and over, it's boring, literally sickening and he's just so tired.

He sits with his arms hanging off his neck and his head held down looking at the tiled floor. He's all too empty inside, all of him. There's nothing left but sadness and he knows that. His mother, father, sister, friends, all of them were gone and he had no one but himself and the cold lonesome enemy known as his depression siting next to him patting his shoulder, almost pulling him down into the ground. He manages to stand up and turn the tap, rinsing out his mouth trying to get the taste out. He brushes his teeth, hard enough to make his gums bleed and spits, toothpaste mixed with his blood and that disgusting metallic taste is real this time, finding it's way onto every taste bud he has. He brushes harder and spits again, then cups some water in his hands to rinse out the rest of the blood and splashes some on his face again, wiping off the cold sweat. His fingers trace over his teeth, the wet feeling he knows isn't water and he looks down at them, rinsing them hard with water and soap before drying them off on his pants. He refuses to look at himself in the mirror; he knows he'll only be disappointed. Walking back to his bedroom, he stands and looks at the messy sheets on his bed that'd crumpled up and been undone earlier and decides maybe he'll try to sleep on the couch instead.


	2. Oscillate

**A/N: **Heyo heyo. So here's chapter two n all. If you're not caught up to the manga then I apologize, there's **spoilers**. Enjoy. ~S

**TRIGGER WARNINGS: **Depression, Anxiety, Torture, Mentions of Suicide/Suicidal Thoughts (I feel the need to add this because though it isn't being planned or happening, some people might find themselves triggered by the discussion of it).

* * *

"What are you doing?" Law asks the girl who sits down and dangles her feet along side his off the dock. So close to the water, and he looks down at the reflection of the two of them. Watching it disappear and reappear with every crash of waves hitting the wooden poles under them.

"Keeping you company." The sweet girl turns and flashes a smile; he's missed that smile all too much. "You want me to go?"

"Don't you have better things to do?" He asks, furrowing his brows and watching the girl throw her arms back and kick her legs off the edge of the dock.

"Nah! I want to be here with you. That was some close call you had today." She says almost sadly. This was the same girl who'd told him to die three nights ago, what the fuck? His mind is playing games.

"Not close enough apparently." He mumbles. He's got a cigarette in his hand and he's putting it between his lips, breathing in all the chemicals he knows is bad for him and exhales. It's been too long.

"Why do you want to die so bad?" She asks almost out of nowhere.

"I deserve it." He tells her, it's true.

"You don't." She retorts, and he's looking at her like she's an idiot. She has no idea what he's done.

"I do." He tells her again, trying to get her to understand.

"Don't." She smiles at him and furrows her brows like his to mock him, teasing him.

"Lamie-" He's angry now, not at her, well sort of. He's just frustrated with her childish ways.

"Law." She says back, just as angry. He sighs, taking another hit of his cigarette and exhales.

"You want someone to save you. You want to be able to find something to make you happy, right? To not feel sad all the time anymore." She starts and he's just looking out to sea. Maybe drowning would be a good way to go. "You want to be able to have a good life. One where you don't have to worry about people staring, the unsettling sadness and where you can just be… free." She keeps going, and that's pretty much how he feels. She knows him so well it's painful and makes his heart ache. She looks at him and smiles, throwing her arms over him, squeezing him in a tight hug, and then it's all black.

* * *

Law's somewhere. He's not sure where. It's pretty dark and quiet except for this spine chilling rattling of metal that hits every twenty seconds. He's sure he can hear something bubbling too; maybe it's his blood.

"Get them out." He has no idea who he's asking. Who he's talking to.

"Get them out, get them out… the needles, get them out!" He's shouting now, at the top of his lungs.

"They're there, take them out take them out please, don't leave them in me!" He's still shouting, no one's helping him and he's crying, picking at the insides of his elbows.

He feels as if his skin is being burned by acid and by the butt of a cigarette. Now he's craving nicotine. He can see a shadow over him grabbing his wrists and cutting them open. Blood spilling down onto the floor before he screeches, his fingernails being ripped off one by one. Someone's laughing above him at the expensive of his pain.

The next time he thinks opens his eyes Law's alone, sweaty and light headed. His feet are wet, and not by water. There's a puddle of blood under him. His toes sink into the thick red liquid and he's mortified. Why is this happening to _him? _No one deserves this. So why _him? _He looks up, teary eyed and sweaty, to finds his mother, shot in the head twice, four times in the chest. One was bad enough, but five unnecessary bullets were enough to throw him off the edge.

He's screaming, trying to fold his arms but the needles are jabbing into his veins and he's panicking now, he needs to help. But something's pulling him down. The act of moving has never been so difficult, it's as if he's paralyzed. There are hands grabbing at his legs through the blood he stands in, pulling him down. And again he wonders why, why this happens to him. He's crying and screaming, begging for someone to help him and to stop this, but there's no sound. His mouth is moving, he knows it is, he can feel how heavy his own jaw feels when he shouts out cries for help.

There's absolutely no one.

It's quiet. And then it's black again.

* * *

His golden eyes shoot open to see nothing around him but black. He's panting, jolts up in bed and turns on the lamp on his bedside table. He goes straight for his arms, but there are no needles. There's nothing. He falls back, head hitting his pillow and he looks to his sides. He's alone.

His room is dark, quiet. Feels like he's in a sanatorium. Thank god he doesn't have any restrains, he doesn't know how much of this he can take.

He's so empty, and he thinks for a second this is how it feels to be dead. He doesn't mind it all that much.

* * *

It's a quarter past eight when Law is awoken by the knocking coming from his door that's so loud it, could wake the neighbours. Then again no one else but him and maybe infants would be asleep at eight. He gets up all too quickly and immediately a sharp pain and pounding in his head. He's dizzy, terrific.

His body thanks him a bit for the sleep he managed to get, his mind cursing him for the nightmares. He'll shake it off with a few deep breaths. It's nothing, he has to remind himself. There's _nothing. _

He steps out, and suddenly feels the chill of every other room in the apartment hit him. His own was hot, blistering even. Comparable to a sauna. Everywhere else felt like he'd been chucked out into the tundra with nothing but sweats. He grabs one of the sweaters lying on the floor of his living room and throws it on before walking over and answering the door to see none other than his old family friend, and now landlord.

"Well it's about time!" The man, otherwise known as Rocinante, shouts and makes his way in with a large tray of what Law can only assume is food by the whiff he catches as he walks in, kicking his shoes off. Destination: kitchen.

"I thought you were never going to answer good god. Making me wait outside, how rude." He shouts some more, mostly sarcastic. He was such a character, Law thought, following him with his eyes and walking behind him like a mother goose and her chicks.

"Hey boy what's wrong? You're sweating. And you're so clammy... nightmare?" He guesses and Law nods back, sitting on one of the stools and picking at the tray of food the mans brought over. He knows him almost inside out, there's no hiding a single thing. But then again Law looks completely disoriented, can't focus on a single thing. He's so busy looking around and sweating it's not that hard to guess _something _at the very least, is wrong.

"You wanna walk about it?" The blond asks, he knows all too well about them, and knows theres hardly a chance he will, but offers anyways.

"Not in particular, no."

"Well alright. I just don't want ya to freak so much 'bout it." He says, taking the aluminum foil off the tray completely so Law's not just picking underneath it. "But look see, I had a lot of left overs and I figured you'd probably be up for anything considering your fridge has been empty for… a while." He smiles and practically shoves the food on top of him, urging him to eat. He's visibly lost weight, maybe another five pounds from the last week he'd seen him. That's not a good sign. He recognizes that Law's slowly but surely, getting worse. Going back down into the dark hole he was in a few months ago and he prays under his breath.

"Yeah… I meant to shop I just… kinda got… distracted." He says between bites, he only hopes hes able to keep this food down and Rocinante stares at him with large blue eyes. Confused.

"Distracted?"

"I almost got hit by a car." He tells him, Rocinante being the only person he's known his entire life who'd never let him down. Not yet at least, stares at him. Not in the way he hates, he thanks. Rocinante knows not to look at him like that. With pity.

"You what?! Are you okay?! Did you go to the hospital?! Who's the asshole, did you get the license plate number?!" He asks frantically, and then adds if he'd called the police on the douche bag who'd almost killed him and he shakes his head and almost laughs. It's more of a scoff, but all the same.

"I walked onto the street when it was red, I just… I wasn't thinking of anything but how convenient it'd be if I got hit." He admits to the older man, and Rocinante looks back at him like he'd just stabbed him through the heart with his words. And now everything the older man had wondered and suspected comes to light.

"Law…" He sighs. Pushing his hand through his hair he walks over and takes a seat next to the young adult who looks like he's about to cry into his food as he eats it. But he fights them, the tears. Doesn't want to shed a single one.

"You can't keep going on like this. Aren't you taking your medication?" He asks, staring right at him, but Law can't return the gaze. He's embarrassed, scared.

"No. It wasn't working-"

"I don't think that's for you to decide."

"It is though. It just… wasn't helping. I didn't feel any less sad, any less suicidal. I still hate myself as much as I did two months ago, if not more." He's crying now, a few tears dampen the sleeve of his sweater and he curses whoever thought it was a good idea to make him this fucking emotional. What a bastard.

Rocinante looks at him. Still, not with the kind of look that he's always hated people having when they speak to him, but that of understanding and longing to help. He feels terrible that he's pouring all this out on him, and it only makes him cry more. Because he knows in all reality, there's nothing Rocinante can do but sit there and watch him cry. He can't make it all go away.

The man reaches over and throws an arm over his shoulder, consoling him and telling him everything will be all right. It's so damned cliché, but that's okay to him because of who's saying it. Anyone else and he'd have snapped, maybe tore their tongue out for spewing such blatant lies. But he lets it go, because it's Roci.

* * *

It's about a week later, and Law's standing in line at a local café. Waiting for his coffee when he hears obnoxious shouting coming from behind him. He's got no idea who it is, what they want or if they're even addressing him. But he turns around anyway, and makes eye contact with an all too cheery, and strangely familiar face. He gulps and turns back when the lady is saying _'hey hey, your coffee sir,' _and takes it. Trying to hurdle his way around the people who won't move for the life of them, the assholes, _trying _to make his way to the second exit on the other side of the café. Until the back of his sweater suddenly feels like it weighs and extra hundred and twenty pounds. He turns around to curse whoever it is that's touching him, when he's found about chest to face with a significantly shorter teenager.

"God, are you seriously a mute and deaf or something? I've been calling you!" The boy, whoever the hell he is, is smiling up at him a bit eccentrically and Law can't help but look down at him confused. Why, why, why?

"What?"

"Aha! So you can talk! What the hell man I just wanted to say I'm glad you're still in one piece!" he continues, not taking into regard the current situation or the thirty or so people staring at the two of them. His palms begin to sweat and he swears, if he could he'd knock the kid out and run. But instead, he looks at the teen and he remembers the same boy yelling at him asking him if he was trying to get himself run over. He decides its best to act like he has no idea who he is.

"What come on? You don't remember me?" The boy asks, almost frowning at him and he's got to play it cool.

"I don't know you." He gets out, good god.

"I pushed you out of the way of that car! Don't worry I don't want recognition or anything, that's not why I called you. No I just wanted to say I'm glad you're okay! Y'know, still in one piece n' all!" He smiles again and Law then notices a little band aid on his forehead where he remembered seeing blood the week prior. He should apologize.

But it's not his fault, he didn't ask for whoever this person was to jump out and tackle him to the floor.

Then he thinks maybe he should thank him, but there's nothing he's thankful about.

"Oh. Yeah."

"I'm Luffy!" He shouts out and Law's eyes widen. What the hell was he saying? Why's he taking the time out to introduce himself? Something like an alarm is going off inside him, telling him to run as fast as he can in the opposite direction. But he just stands there in the middle of the room, staring at the smiling teen and he's all choked up.

"Uh… Law." He answers and he has no idea why. Why he's even wasting a second trying to be _somewhat _friendly, rather than just pulling that old, _'look over there!' _trick and running off.

"Law! That's cool. Where ya headed?" He asks him and Law's eyes widen again, and then squint in suspicion. He doesn't know how crazy that looks, but he can't help it. The boy, Luffy, keeps catching him off guard. Why was he so adamant on talking to him? It was strange and unsettling. What'd he want from him? He has to want something. _Everyone _wants something.

"Nowhere really."

"Nowhere huh? Sounds kind of gloomy if you ask me." He hears the boy say and he's got to admit, it does. But that's how he is, and if it were such a damper on his cheerful mood then it'd be better to just leave, wouldn't it?

"I think I'll go with you though."

"What?" He spits out. What was his deal? Did he think he needed a baby sitter now because he walked into oncoming traffic _one_ time? To anyone else, yes. The answer would be simple, but to Law, oh, answers were never simple.

"It's stuffy in here. Come on!" The teen prances past him and tugs the sleeve of his sweater. And for a moment he thanks fucking god he didn't grab him by the wrist but curses him the next for throwing this loud boy on him. What was the purpose in it? He fails to see any benefit for Luffy in taking the time to say hello, check up on him, formally- to an extent- introduce himself. It's all weird.

Now they're both walking side by side down the street, Luffy sipping on whatever he'd gotten, something sweet he can smell, Law downing his coffee. Breathing it in to clean out the disgusting sweetness.

"You're not much of a talker are you?" He hears him ask and he just looks down at him as if to say _no shit._

"I don't normally get dragged out of a café by strangers, so no."

"Haha, sorry! It's just so suffocating in there I can't even breathe! Out here's nice though. I like the fresh air." He says and Law almost wants to agree but just sips his coffee instead, the liquid somewhat burning his tongue and inside his throat. Doesn't feel it. They keep walking and Luffy's humming something he vaguely finds familiar but can't put a name on it.

"Do you go to school around here or something?" Luffy asks, can't keep his mouth shut for a second.

"Uh no, I don't go to school." More like he dropped out during his second year and hasn't made a single plan to go back. Which is funny the boy asks, he wonders if he's done some high tech background check on him before he just "casually" saved his life. Or whatever he thought he did. Definitely didn't save him from shit.

"I see. My schools down the street- kind of- and I figured I'd get some breakfast before I go." He told him. The boy, Luffy, was like an open book. If he'd asked him the most personal question he could think of he was certain he'd answer without hesitation. And then some. Maybe somehow connect a second story to the answer, that has little to no relevance. It's just an excuse to keep talking. And then flash that toothy smile he's had on the entire time, right after.

"Can I ask you something?" Law asks, even though that in itself is asking him something.

"Sure! What is it?"

"Why are you talking to me?" He asks bluntly and he can see that the boy who he assumes is younger than him by the way he looks, is taken aback by the question. But he's curious, he wants to know why. Why someone who is clearly outgoing is talking to someone who, well, is not. It should be easy for him to make friends if thats the issue, everyone loves happy cheery people that brighten up everyone's mood. So _why _him? The only reason he can think of is that he feels bad, _pity. _But he's yet to look at Law that way.

"Hmm… dunno! You seem like an interesting person so I figured why not!" That was it? He thinks. This kid might just be more trouble than he's worth and it'd be best to end the conversation while he still could. But he can't. He's still curious. And he feels like the cat, the one that gets killed because of it's curiosity. That'd be his ultimate demise he thinks, talking with Luffy.

"Do you normally chat up strangers?" He questions, kind of confused at how outgoing, how _extroverted,_ someone could be.

"Only the ones I've saved from getting run over!" He says a bit loudly and it's ringing in Law's ears. That the boy in front of him says he saved him. He thought of him as someone worth saving. It ticks him off, he's only fooling himself.

He looks down and he's the one who's taken aback now, not expecting that kind of an answer at all. He wasn't worth saving, he really, truly wasn't. So he's certain Luffy's delusional or something. He's no psychiatrist, but he makes his own judgements. As if he's one to judge, he thinks. Law's about to ask another one of his hundred questions, when he notices Luffy walks a bit faster.

"Shit, shit, that's my bus! Hey I'll see you another time okay Law!" He shouts while he speed walks to the stop. Law's just standing there, jaw dropped open like he's never heard those words before in his life. He doesn't say yeah. But he doesn't say no either, and before he knows it the sight of such a giddy character has already hopped on the 58 bus and is down the street. While he, is standing in place looking like an idiot.

* * *

"How are you feeling this week Law?" His psychiatrist asks him with a smile, greeting him kindly.

"Uh, the usual, I guess." He says, sitting down in the chair by the window, next to her small table across from her.

"Anything happen to you that you'd like to share?" She asks, looking like she's ready to write down his entire life story if he were to give it to her.

"Maybe. I don't know." He tells her, but he knows a couple things he could say. He's just being needlessly stubborn.

"Maybe?" She inquires and he knew that's what she would ask. She always does it.

"Uh well... a couple of days ago I uh, walked onto the street when it was red, like the light. I almost got hit by a car but some fucking kid pushed me out of the way. Like tackled, the more I think about it." He tells her and he's picking at his skin again, then goes to trace the letters on his knuckles while maintaining eye contact. She stares back at him before looking down and writing a couple things on her note pad. Law desperately wants to rip up into shreds and burn.

"Did you suffer any kind of injury I should be informed about?"

"I don't think so? I didn't go to the ER or anything, just a small bump on the head."

"I see. How do you feel about that?"

"About the bump?" He asks, what kind of stupid question-

"About not getting hit, by the car." She specifies. Oh.

"I… was furious. I still am! That I couldn't even get hit by a fucking car that was coming at me at 70km per hour, it's frustrating. Am I that pathetic?"

"No, you're not pathetic, Law. Unfortunately, it's your illness that makes you think that, it's not _you. _May I ask if you've been taking your medication?"

"Um, no. They sucked, if I'm honest. They don't do anything but make my fingers kind of numb sometimes." He tells her and he's cracking every bone he can in each of his hands. Phalanges and all.

"We'll try something different then. Perhaps a stronger dosage to help you with the reoccurring suicidal thoughts." She says, but it's more as if she's thinking aloud, writing it down on her notepad.

"Okay." He tells her, but he knows it's hopeless. He's a lost cause, and there's no getting him back.

"What did you do after the boy pushed you out of the way?" She asks, looking back up at him.

"I got up and left… then went home. I tried to sleep… and I did for a bit. But uh… the dreams were…" He trails off and he feels like he could really use a cigarette right now.

"You're still having them?" Question.

"Yeah… it was kind of a package deal this time. Like two for one." He says and he has whiplash of that night for a brief second before the woman in front of him speaking louder than usual snaps him back.

"What do you mean?" After question.

"Both incidents in one I guess." He says and he's clenching his fists, knuckles going white.

"What happened in them?" God she asks so many questions.

"The same… kind of. My sister was there but she was… weird. Nice weird, it was comforting for a bit before it went black and… that shit happened." He says, not wanting to explain the situation over again for the hundredth time, it feels like.

"How'd you feel when you woke up? Any panic attacks?" Two in one now, Law thinks. Maybe she's responsible for his dreams- no, nightmares.

He's shaking now, he can feel it. Every bone in his body is vibrating. The same way they would had he hit his knee on a table or chair, but he hasn't, he's just anxious. He's bouncing his legs up and down, and he's looking at everything he can above him, blinking ten times quicker, to keep the tears from flowing.

"No, no. I was sad. Scared. Pissed I couldn't sleep more." He says and he licks his lips and clenches his jaw. Looking out the window, he can't look at her directly. He really doesn't want to be here anymore, and he sure as hell doesn't want to keep talking about this crap with anyone.

"Understandable-"

"I… I can't fucking do this anymore. I can't talk about it anymore." He says frantically, and his veins are popping out in his neck. He'd gone from upset, but calm to angry in no time flat. He was positive she was writing it down with that smug look of hers and overpriced pen engraved with her initials. That he was having "an episode" or was "moody". Fuck that.

"Law, I want you to take a few deep breaths." She pretty much orders, and Law can't help but rebuttal and practically declare war against her.

"No. No fuck that. I don't need you to teach me how to fucking breathe. I need to be able to fucking sleep. Y-you need to help me fucking sleep and not wake up by some sick bastard mutilating me to his own fucking sick twisted satisfaction! I need to stop seeing my mom dead on the fucking floor and see myself drenched in the blood that's seeping out every fucking bullet hole! It's driving me fucking insane, don't you understand?! I'm so far gone I don't know if I'll even go home tonight! I'll probably just jump off a bridge or- or a fucking cliff I don't know, whatever kills me quicker!" He's panting and standing up to show his dominance but the lady in front of him doesn't move, and she doesn't look scared of him. He thinks she's almost mocking him by just sitting there and it drives his rage further. Then there's a moment of '_shit, I shouldn't have said that' _in him and he hopes she didn't catch it, but there's no way she couldn't have. He was loud enough for at least five offices over, each side, to hear him.

He's not a danger to himself. He's not. He's just frustrated.

"Law, sit down. If the medication isn't working, we can change the dosage and the type. These things take time; you can't expect to be cured of all your problems in no time flat. Unfortunately, suffering is a part of getting better." She tells him and that's really the last thing he wants to hear. He didn't have money flowing out of his ass to pay for all this fucking medication that wasn't even doing its job.

"No! Fuck, this is all such bullshit!" He yells and turns to kick the chair he sat in against the wall, cracking the paint and foundation a bit. "I'm so tired of this, me talking and you writing all this shit down! Do you laugh it up with your friends?! Do you laugh at my expense, the way I feel?! Is it fucking entertainment to you guys?!" He's just finding anything he can to yell at now. His uncharacteristic anger flowing through every vein. Coursing through his bloodstream and he feels like he's gone mad.

His face heats up and suddenly it's over a hundred degrees in the room, his blood is boiling.

He notices her get up and he's thinking maybe she'll call security. Or maybe, she's going to call someone and have them haul him away in a straight jacket. All for what? One measly kick to a chair. The next second, he's dead terrified. He looks at her and there are tears flowing. Fuck. She puts the phone down and sighs, walking past him to pick up the chair and settling it behind him. He chokes on his sobs and sits down. He's has yet to stop shaking and he feels like his muscles are going to rip themselves apart if he doesn't. He can hear rattling, his bones are shaking under the spazzing of his muscles. The veins in his neck are pulsing, alerting him he's alive and it does nothing but drive him even crazier.

But he's not crazy; he swears he's not. He's just sad, lonely, and sometimes has anger "issues". But he's not crazy.

"This is so fucking annoying." He curses while wiping away the tears with the back of his hands and the woman in front of him now only hums.

"We discussed this. That your anger stems from you being-"

"Bipolar, I know." He says sighing, and he tilts his head back and lets the lights above him burn his eyes through closed eyelids. "Don't send me to the nut house."

"Law, I don't deem you crazy."

He lets out a sigh of relief, then bites his lip. Trying to stop it from quivering and he's desperately trying to hold back the waterworks. He can't help but doubt her. After all, people always say what they need to to get what they want. He just hadn't figured out what she was after yet. They sat in silence the rest of the hour, mostly him. She keep asking questions but he's too busy staring out the window, picking at his skin and she wrote some stuff down before breaking the silence.

"I'll be changing your prescription to deal with your insomnia to Eszopiclone. It's not a long-term usage type of drug, so I'll prescribe two weeks worth and we'll see how you fair. How long have you been off your antidepressants?"

"I uh- two, three weeks? I don't know."

"Well then they should be out of your system. To tackle your bipolar disorder as well I'm going to have you go on Olanzapine-Fluoxetine. Take it once _every_ evening." She tells him and scribbles away on her prescription pad and Law can feel himself losing any and all interest in getting better now. She rips off the sheet from the pad and gets up to hand it to him, "and do _not_, stop taking your medication this time. Got it? If you ever feel like you're in danger, you know to call-"

"Yeah. Yeah I know." He tells her and leaves with that. The paper in his hand he stuffs in his pocket, and makes his way to the pharmacy, dreading how much this is going to drain him.

* * *

Law's walking past a lot of people, hands in his pocket and his chin, tucked under the collar of his jacket. There are so many people he's sure their eyes are burning through his skin and lighting a fire inside him. He's practically engulfed in flames; it's eating him alive. He wants to punch someone; he's got all this pent up anger held in that one kick to the chair was nothing.

He's walking down the main street he was on before, and he suddenly hears that same voice that had called out to him earlier. He turns around, but there's no one there and a man bumps into him and curses at him, claiming he was in the way. He kisses his teeth and turns back around to find himself facing the same energetic boy he had met formally earlier in the day. He's half thinking he's imagining him there, but when he bends down to pick up something off the floor, Law panics.

"That asshole made you drop this-"

"Don't touch that!" He shouts and grabs the paper bag that rattles with his medication inside it and shoves it in his pocket and walks past him.

"Hey! Wait up!" He hears behind him and he's so desperate for this boy to leave him alone he'll do anything.

"I'm sorry! I just didn't think you noticed it fell." Luffy says and Law's glaring at him, all too uncomfortable. He already feels embarrassed enough when he goes to pick up his accursed pills. But having strangers on the street see it was another story.

"Whatever." He spits and keeps walking, speeding up his pace but Luffy's keeping up. He was the human embodiment of energy and it put Law off. It hadn't been that long since they departed. Maybe three hours max and he's slightly wondering why he's walking next to the boy who claimed to have gone to school.

"Can you believe how boring math class can be? God it's like do this for x, do that for y, shut the hell up!" He's ranting? Law thinks and he looks down at Luffy who's walking with his hands tucked in his pocket. But he frequently takes one of them out to emphasize and add oomph to the conversation. He's very gesticulative.

"So what are you up to?" He hears him ask and he's missed the entire story about just how boring math can be and he thanks himself for zoning out on it.

"I'm going home." He answers simply. Nothing really special, he's done for the day.

"Man, that sounds boring! Let's get something to eat!"

What the hell was this kid's problem, really? Did he always force himself onto people he'd just met?

"You're strange." He lets out in a low, hoarse voice. His throat feeling a bit of the aftermath of yelling earlier. It's almost tickling him.

"Hm? How?" Luffy turns his head and cocks it a bit to the side in his own confusion.

"Is it routine for you to find any stranger, save them then ask them to go out for a bite to eat?"

"Actually, I didn't ask. I'm telling you, let's get something to eat! I'm starving!" And that's the end of that. He doesn't go on with a lengthy explanation the way Law thought he would. Adding enough adjectives to describe the entirety of an old play if he had to. To give Law a justified reason. But he's quite simple, and gets right to the point. Which granted, makes little to no sense to him, so he just stares back and looks at him, confused.

"What do you feel like? Chinese? Italian? Oh, maybe you're a Greek kinda guy. You look like a Greek kinda guy…" He mumbles the last part and he's holding his chin with one arm propped on the other crossed over his chest.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Law asks him, he's seriously so far beyond confused it's ridiculous.

"Nothing insulting! Do you like kebabs?" The boy asks in return, eyes gleaming along with the question.

"I guess?" He answers.

"WOO! Meat is always a good choice. I know this amazing grill down a couple blocks." He says and steps a bit in front of Law, as if he's leading the way of a great excursion.

* * *

Law's hating himself for being so unable to just say no. He's sitting in the most crowded place with the most annoying, loud mouthed boy he's ever had the displeasure of meeting. He wants to slam his head on the table. Repeatedly. Hopefully causing his brain to knock against his skull one too many times and cause some internal bleeding.

He's watching Luffy eat and he's taking small, hesitant bites out of his own food. He has to admit, it's good.

"SO! Law," Luffy says between bites and he braces himself for the worst. Or the stupidest question he thinks is possible to come out of the boys mouth, "How old are you?"

That's it? He thinks. What a relief.

"Twenty two." He answers and sips on his water.

"Aw seriously?! I was way off."

"How old did you think I was?" He questions, quite curious to know and he was sure he wasn't going to like the answer.

"I dunno, maybe twenty five or six?" Luffy guesses and takes another bite out of his sandwich.

Law doesn't know why, he feels rather insulted, but he supposes with stupidity came lack of reason.

"Your eye bags kinda make you look older." Luffy says tracing under his own eyes with his pinkies. They're the only fingers not covered in whatever five sauces he had asked for on the side. Law puts down his food. He can feel himself going beet red and he's anxious to get out, to leave, but Luffy quickly apologizes.

"I didn't mean to say something… rude or whatever! I swear!" He stammers and he swears he can see sweat trickle down the side of the older man's face.

"Why are you apologizing? You don't even know me. Why'd you even ask me to come here? Don't you have any other friends you can ditch school and grab something to eat with?" He questions and he's starting to feel like he's going to throw up all the food he'd eaten. And it was quite delicious too, what a shame.

"I guess... We're friends right?" The boy asks back and he continues to fall more and more into confusion. His mind can't find a way to wrap itself around anything that comes out of Luffy's mouth.

"When the hell did I ever say that?" He asks back, in an angry tone and he can see Luffy's realized he's pissed him off. Good, it's what he gets for being so damned stupid.

"You didn't have to say it, I figured since you told me your name and I saved your life n' all we're friends!" He says with a big smile and Law slides back into his seat, pressing his back as hard as he can to the chair.

Friends? Seriously? He had to be joking; this had to be some fucking sick joke. Someone somewhere was playing him. And that same someone was watching this. Laughing at his current facial expression that pretty much screamed 'what the fuck?!' and more.

"We're not friends."

"Sure we are here look, I'll give you five things about me, then you give me five things about you and we'll develop our new friendship ok?" The teen is clearly not listening to him and he's heating up inside, only praying he's not a mixture of tan and red.

He doesn't even have ten seconds to answer. Luffy's wiping off the sauce on his hands on some napkins and throws them onto the tray in front of him. Sitting back and sighing before opening his mouth again.

"Okay well since I asked you how old you were… I'm nineteen." And that shocks Law because honestly, in the wrong lighting, the boy looks fifteen.

"And uh… I love, love, meat. Beef, chicken, pork I'll eat it all." This, does not shock him. The way he ate his sandwich that he'd specifically asked for to be stuffed to the brim proved the point.

"Uh… wow thinking of these is harder than I thought… Oh! I hate school. I mean, I don't hate it you know? I just… get bored. Super quick." Law stares at him and he wonders why the hell he's still going, considering he's not going to utter a single word about himself back.

"Um… yeah I don't know." He laughs and scratches his face. "Okay your turn!" Luffy says after taking a large sip of his own soda.

"I'm not doing that." Law tells him, and the pit in his stomach is growing wider with every second he spends in this place.

"What? Come on! It's only fair!"

"It's not fair, your points were stupid." Law says back and he sees Luffy sarcastically scoff and hold his palm wide open to his chest in "shock" then laughs it off. He wasn't joking though, he was being completely serious.

"So I'll take being a huge asshole as your point?" Luffy jokes, but Law takes it seriously and looks away, out the window next to them. He can't help how he is, and Luffy sees he's said the wrong thing again.

"Sorry… my Gramps always says I don't have a filter for stuff like that." He apologizes and Law's hit beyond disoriented by the younger boy. That's twice now he's apologized to him and he's got no idea who he is. He want's to hit him for throwing around words like that so carelessly but knows he really can't.

He's sliding his arms carefully through the sleeves of his jacket, getting ready to leave. He's had enough of this farce and it's time for him to go home. He's been out almost four hours today and to him, that's plenty.

"Hey no! I'm really sorry you don't have to leave!"

"I have something to do." He lies, and stands up when Luffy grabs his own jacket and pulls it on following Law out of the grill.

"You big fat liar, you said you were going home when I asked you what you were doing!"

"I have something to do, at home." He says, and he's actually kind of shocked the boy remembered what he said to him, even he didn't.

"Yeah right." He pouts and Law's wondering what the hell is going on in that crazy mind of his. But he's no one to judge really, he'll do it anyway, but he knows if someone were to peek inside his own they'd ask the same thing.

"So where do you live?" Luffy asks. Law's really trying to convince himself he's not some serial killer. Disguised as a teenager who goes to university and gets kebabs like everyone else all happy-go-lucky.

"You do realize that is the weirdest question you've asked me right?"

"Well I didn't ask for your exact address and postal code, I mean the general area? What do I look like I'm gonna come kill you or something?" Law's seen this before, in one of those movies he watched with his friends a few years back. The killer acts like he's cool and friendly. And he asks shit like 'do I look like I'm going to kill you?' to get the focus taken off himself by asking. Then all the idiots surrounding him feel bad for suspecting him of being anything but good. And when the kids least expect it is when he attacks.

"No, I'm just saying. It's weird. You might want to hold off on asking that one to the next stranger you decide to pick up." He informs him, really a piece of advice. It all comes out kind of unconsciously too, like he doesn't even have to think about what he says around him.

"Pick up? I'm not picking you up, you're like… giant." Luffy says. Clearly not getting what he meant, but Law almost bluntly laughs at that statement but it doesn't make it all the way up his throat.

"Giant?"

"Yeah, what are you like ten feet tall?" He asks looking up at him from way down below.

"I'm six foot three. Or four." He says, not really sure. He hasn't been measured or whatever in a long time, but he's pretty sure he's grown.

"Yeah what'd I say? Giant." Luffy tells him and they keep walking down the street.

They continue to walk. Law answering most of Luffy's questions that don't need anymore than three words to answer. Luffy seems okay with it, not trying to force anything out of him the way he was before, and Law thinks its nothing but a trap. Kind of like a set up for something big. He's got such fucked up trust issues.

"Are you uh… going to follow me all the way home?"

"What are you saying? I live this way!"

"Oh." He's so self absorbed he disgusts himself.

"If it bugs you that much I'll turn around and count to twenty and you can like, run away." Luffy suggests but its more of a joke, and Law almost considers taking the offer but he's not up to run. So he just shakes his head and presses his fingernails into his palms behind the closed cloth of his pockets.

They make it a bit further when Law sees his building and stops walking,

"Uh, this is me. So…"

"Oh! Okay! Fancy, fancy! Are you rich or something?" he asks but then laughs, and tells Law he's joking.

"Wait wait wait!" Luffy shouts and he reaches into his jacket pocket and takes out his phone. Oh god no.

"Gimmie your number!" He practically demands, and Law's internally screaming right now.

Fuck, fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck.

"Uh… I hardly use my phone so-" He tries to make up some crappy excuse that isn't coming to him fast enough and he's cut off by the loud teen.

"Shut up and tell me!" Luffy insists and Law sighs. Telling the boy the digits and as soon as he's done he realizes he could have easily said something fake and he feels like an idiot. Luffy's walking away now, backwards. Waving at him and shouting goodbye and there are people across the street staring. He lifts his hand and semi waves before making his way into the apartment as fast as he can.

* * *

Law _thinks_ six qualifies as evening and he pops open the bottle of… Olanzapine-Fluoxetine. He reads the label and looks at the red-yellow pill and he's dreading this. More chemicals in his body that he doubts will do anything. He puts it back in the little orange container and leans back, pulling his laptop that was next to him onto his lap and types in the name of the drug. He figures he should at least know what's going into his body.

Another thing people had always thought was crazy, was how obsessive he'd get over knowing what medication and chemicals he was ingesting. He has to know, he doesn't need a reason. He just has to.

He's reading up on everything and he's shocked at how long of a list the side effects are and his laugh is icy. Then there's a note at the bottom of the page saying _'if you're prescribed this, it means the person believes the outcome is greater than the side effects'_. How's that possible when there's crap on the list like heart attacks and liver failure. He gets up, gets a glass of water and walks back, popping one of the pills in his mouth and swallowing it down anyway, chugging the entire glass. He's got nothing to care about anymore anyway, and he can deal with dizziness or nausea. But in the case his limbs stop responding, then he'll have a bone to pick with the bitch psychiatrist who put him on this crap.

He then sits back down. Does some reading up on the sleeping medication he got. And in a time span of four hours, he's found himself go from medical facts, to looking up random diseases. Then reading some philosophies on religion, society, _life_, to the weirdest string of videos he's ever watched. He closes his laptop, stretches, and lets out the weirdest noise and he thinks he really shouldn't have watched even a single one of them. Seeing the way they rubbed off on him. He gets up and he feels kind of gross, and he's not all that crummy feeling today, or at least right now so a shower sounds good. As good as it can to him.

And he's soon letting the hot water hit the back of his neck and go through his scalp and he wishes he could stay like this forever.

Unfortunately, he can't. Because the water goes cold after twenty minutes and it's not bad, he just prefers the hot steamy feel much more, so he drags himself out before he freezes.

Then he walks back to the living room, picking up the bottle that contained his key to sleep tonight, or so he hopes and goes to his room. Ready for it, for a good nights sleep that he's so desperate for, he'll do anything. He yawns, and that's a good sign to him, he's tired, he wants to sleep. His body knows it. His mind knows it. All that's left is for the other part of his mind that won't let him to understand that it wasn't going to get it's way, not tonight. And maybe even, not ever again. He's hopeful. And it's kind of weird. But he puts that feeling aside because right now he's got a pill between his fingertips and he can practically taste it. He opens his mouth and lets it drop, swallowing it without any need for water. His mouth is so wet with saliva from the odd craving for the pill he's got he doesn't need any other liquids.

He lets out as much air as he can. Until his lungs are completely empty. He makes a mental thank you note to the fact he hasn't had the urge to want to throw himself in front of a passing bus today. It was good. It was nice. He wishes he could feel like this all the time. He wishes he could have better days like this more.

He wishes. And it's goodnight for Law.


	3. Disorder

**A/N: **So I totally did not mean for this to end up as long as it did. It was supposed to be two chapters, but what the heck. Also to the people who messaged me on tumblr _thanking_ _me _for writing this, thank _you. _It means so much to me. Nonetheless, I hope you all enjoy this chapter. ~S

**TRIGGER WARNINGS: **Depression, Anxiety, Drug Abuse.

* * *

Law wakes up, fluttering his eyes, blinking away the burn. Not feeling all that crappy. He's got to admit, that as little sleep as he got, it's way better than running on fumes and coffee. He'll still have it though, his coffee. It's the only kind of ritual he has. Shower. Coffee. And surprisingly, his body doesn't ache the way it usually does. Sleep is nice when he gets it.

Perhaps today won't be that shitty for Law.

It's when he notices it's still pitch black outside, he feels a tiny bit upset. Looking down at his alarm clock, 5:48am written in neon red. Damn. That's seven hours of sleep he got. Seven glorious, nightmare free hours. He wonders why his damned psychiatrist didn't put him on this earlier, but no matter. Now he had a means of escape, if he ever needed it.

He gets out of bed, just sits up and stretches, groaning aloud and thinks it's not so bad. That it's almost six in the morning, and that's normal for some people. Working people. He should apply for jobs, something, anything. He should. It's too early for him to think about it though. Tosses that thought into the large _'I'll get back to it later bin_' in his mind. The very back.

He yawns, arms outstretched in front of him, there's a disgusting metallic taste in his mouth. So he gets up, thinks back to if he had forgotten to brush his teeth. He didn't. He just can't seem to wash out or down with water. And it's dry, his mouth. Drier than the desert. The taste is glued to his tongue; even drinking a liquid tastes oddly metallic to him. Sort of like brushing your teeth, then drinking orange juice after. Only instead it's metal, like blood metal.

He'll survive though. It's just a bad taste that should go away as the day goes on.

For the most part, he just sits in his bed. Doesn't do much, reads a book. One he's read over fifty times he thinks, puts it down. There's not much to do at six in the morning, other than dread the fact he can't fall back asleep. So he'll just lay there, paying attention to detail that his room, is in fact, really fucking dirty. So he gets up, throws his covers off and climbs out of bed _again, _starts pilling up all the clothes that are scattered over the floor. Hanging off anything they can, and Law has to wonder how the hell they even ended up so disorganized.

So he's cleaning. Maybe maids do this, but he's not one of them, so it's odd to him, that he's fucking _cleaning. _At six fucking thirty in the morning. At least he's getting something done, it beats just laying around, and moping at the fact he can't sleep. Then he figures he might as well clean the entire apartment while he's at it. He's got nothing better to do, and it has been a while. So why not. It'll be his version of spring cleaning. Only in mid October. So fall cleaning, kind of.

* * *

Law's afternoon is quiet, kind of. Minus the noise coming through the walls, that are by no means thin, his neighbors are just that fucking loud. And so is their dog. It's giving him a headache. Other than that, it's quiet. He's quite hungry though, so he's standing in his kitchen, cracking a couple of eggs into the pan when a piece of the shell also finds its way in, and it takes him almost five minutes just to get that bastard piece of shit shell out of his damned eggs. Not like it'd really matter anyway, if he'd bit into it he'll hear it crack then just spit it out.

He sits down with his overly scrambled, scrambled eggs, on the couch and his appetite gets thrown out the window. Nibbling on them, picking at them, everything but eating properly is what he does. Doesn't have any reason as to why. And it's so annoying, having the same reoccurring feeling of _'I don't know why' _be his reason for almost everything now. Not hungry, don't know why. Can't sleep, don't know why. Can't function for the life of him, don't know why. All he does know for certain, is that it's damn irritating.

He's flipping through channels aimlessly, not really looking for anything but he won't say no if something interesting happens to pop up on his screen. There's the news. A building caught fire, a kid's gone missing, same with two teenagers. How depressing. Some elderly woman celebrates her hundredth birthday. A couple of twins are looking for someone to donate their bone marrow. Nothing he can do about it. And he's got to think to himself, that really, his life is pretty petty. He does exactly nothing when he could be doing… a lot of stuff. His lack of will to do… said stuff, is alarmingly low. So to hell with it, he'll stay put. At least he's comfy.

He's been on his own for too long. He's got plenty to do, but he still feels unfulfilled. Today he's cooped up at home, and outside his window, life is going on. People are actually living. Doing something with their lives. Setting out on adventures, falling in love, making things _happen, _making a difference. But he's afraid. Of what'll happen if he goes outside, breaks his isolation and tries to live the way others do. To other people. It seems like the norm, for them to go out and do their duties. But not to him.

He keeps flipping through channels, there's a cooking show on. The lady is so energetic and all she's doing is cracking some fucking eggs. No damned shells seem to get into her stupid five hundred dollar pan set that's also being advertised on the side, big letters reading _'call now for a free second set!' _across the bottom of the screen. Who in their right mind would buy $500 worth of kitchen pots and pans? He stares and furrows his brows wondering how the hell she's so happy when all she's doing is frying some damn dead poultry chicks.

Frustration and disappointment linger within his mind. Like they've been woven into his brain and can't be taken out without some sort of recoil damage. He should be successful. Go to school, have graduated with a masters degree. But he's in denial, it's so blatantly obvious. Written all over his face. He'll tell himself, and others if they ask, that he's fine. Really, honestly, fine. But the sickening reality is that he's not. Pain and psychological suffering is inescapable. So he sits there, and repeats the words that he's okay, he's fine.

He gets up to stretch; his back cracks a couple times. Then his arms, shoulders and neck. It's gross. The sound of bones cracking. It's loud in his ears; someone might as well be blowing a horn in them. He goes to throw out his now, cold and mushy eggs. Takes out a water bottle from the fridge. Leans against the counter and reads the label. It's just how bored he is, he's reading how supposedly, "cool and refreshing" this water is, opposed to other water. People are crazy. But then again, how longs it been since he last drank anything? He nearly gulps the whole bottle down, and finds himself thinking,

It's not all that cool, nor is it refreshing. It's just fucking water.

* * *

His evening is the same. He's sitting out on a stool on his balcony that he's dragged out from the kitchen. Legs propped up on the railing. Notebook in his lap, pen in between his fingers, twirling it around. There are a couple old cigarette butts on the cold cement; he wishes he had a pack on him. There's a plant too, that he has no memory of purchasing and placing there. Must have been Rocinante. It's long dead now though, the cold air and obvious lack of water got to it first.

He's scribbling his interpretation of the plant. No reason why, it's just the only thing that's caught his attention. That and the couple he can hear screaming from down below. Twelve fucking floors below. Something about not buying groceries. He finds it funny, that the only person that'd nag him about not buying groceries, is himself. Sometimes. He's kind of fine, not eating.

He breathes in, he's just taking in the air. Watching the sun set through buildings. It's nice. The view isn't top notch, but it's better than noting. He likes the way the sunlight reflects off the windows. He tilts his head, doodles it down. A tall building with light emitting from it. If it was anymore comfortable he thinks maybe he'd be able to fall asleep.

Unfortunately, the hard wall behind him and the wooden stool aren't going to cut it as particularly luxurious. His other neighbors, the not so crazy ones, have this swing. It's more of a large woven chair that's got a cushion in it. Looks promising.

He yawns though, but he knows that hardly means shit. So what if he's tired? Doesn't mean sleep will come easy. So he sits there, rubbing his face, picking and scratching at his hands. Then his wrists. He's got a bad habit of interrupting the healing process of his cuts. Doesn't mean to, his nails always find their way to the scabs, pick them off and let them rebleed.

His hands are bruised from the pinching, but not too bad. They're starting to heal now, a light green color on his tanned skin. He can't help but pinch at it anyway. Digging his nails into his skin as hard and deep as he can. He's anxious. Doesn't know why he is. And there's a feeling of wanting to cry creeping up on him but he's not going to allow it. He won't.

* * *

Night is... in a word, fucked. He doesn't know how many times this has happened now. Him fucking some random person he'd just met at a club. He thinks five. It could be six. All in just the past week. He's getting dressed, the guy, who he thinks is named Jack, is too. At least, he's trying to. He doesn't particularly care for him; he's no different than the other people he'd fucked around with the past few days.

It's kind of funny to him. That he's not drunk. He's high. The guy, whatever his name was, had offered him a kind, free bump of blow before they got into it. Who was he to reject something so thoughtful? It'd be foolish, plus he has nothing else to lose. So why not.

And there he was, with a little bump of white powder on the back of his bruised up hand, bringing face down low enough to take it all in. And it's not too long before the initial rush punches him in the gut. But it's a good punch, in the weird way that it sounds. Like he's worth a million dollars, he's that high up. Sitting on top of the world. And he's so full of energy he feels like he could run a marathon right now.

He was full of energy, like no amount of coffee could have ever given him. Euphoria running through his veins, but he's more invincible than anything. Much more alert than he's been in ages. The result of that was him going full steam.

So here he is now, pants down to his knees, shirt _somewhere _across the room. Getting dressed, ready to leave now that he's done what he set out for. The guy, mystery man, grabs his hand, slips a little napkin in it and gives him one last kiss on the cheek before Law walks out of the room, back into the loud obnoxious atmosphere of the club and finds his way outside, tossing the napkin that did in fact not say Jack, but Mike, what the fuck? Straight into the trash. He has no use for him, thinks he's kind of shitty for it, but who cares.

He's practically dragging himself to the bus stop, it feels like his legs aren't even attached to his body and he finds himself repeatedly looking down to make sure that they in fact, were still there. He's really alert though, just the sound of footsteps at least twenty feet behind him are loud, ringing in his ears. As if he's some wild animal with exemplary sensory skills.

* * *

Law's on the bus now. Hoping it's the right one. It smells horrible, like someone had just puked in the back. He's not sure. He's kind of zoned out, coming down from his high that's mostly left him depressed. Not really paying attention to his surroundings. He is hungry though, evident by how loud his stomach is grumbling, assuming everyone on the bus could hear it. Wishing he had more, in a way. But he's never been one to consider fucking his life up with drugs. At least not recreational types.

He doesn't notice when a homeless looking man sits down next to him until he's being elbowed in the side several times.

"Boy I said ya smell like cigarettes, d'ya mind if I bum one off ya?" The man asks, and Law looks back at him strangely. He hasn't smoked in months, must be from the club.

"I don't smoke anymore, sorry. Smell probably stuck to me." What he'd do for a pack of cigarettes right now though.

"Ah damn what a shame." The man huffs almost, and Law can't help it? That he doesn't smoke. Almost like he feels guilty for it. He turns back to stare out the window, watching the quick flashing of car lights pass by.

"Y'know that ain't good for ya." The man next to him says, and he turns back to him, confused. He has no idea what he's talking about. Why's he even talking?

"What?"

"That. What you're doin' to your hands." The man says, pointing down to Law's fingers that are digging into the skin on the back of his hands, scratching and pinching. Again.

"Ya should really stop doin' that." He says, and Law stops, but his hands shake when he does. Like he needs to keep going to keep himself calm. So he starts twisting his fingers, cracking every bone he can. Then his knuckles.

"I'm not really in the mood-"

"Why do ya do that?" The man, who's got to be around his mid-fifties, interrupts him. Continuing to stare down at his hands and he can't help but pinch even harder.

"Calms me down."

"Y'know when I was about ya age, I did the same thing. Here, look see," he says, and holds out his hands in front of Law's face, close enough for him to see the scars all over. And he can't help but find it weird, that this man he's never met before in his life is just sitting there casually showing off the remains of his own bad habits. Flaunting, almost.

"I was mad crazy, 'spose that's why I'm out here now." He says, turning back around and stuffing his own hands in his pockets, Law figures he should too, to prevent him from tearing up his skin anymore.

"Out here?" Law asks, because now he's at least slightly curious. Or maybe he just feels bad for the guy, so he keeps the conversation going. Though to a bare minimum.

"Homeless ya know? S'been bout' twenty years I believe. Over that maybe." The man says, and Law's all too tired and fogged up with his own depressive feeling he can't really take listening to another persons life story right now. But he can't bring himself to tell the man to shut up, or get off the bus a few stops early either. He just sits there, and listens.

"It was pretty sad, y'know? To be abandoned by the ones ya call your family."

"They abandoned you?" Law asks because he's genuinely shocked. He assumes family is supposed to be there through thick and thin, so he just doesn't understand.

"Yeah, after I lost my job, then came my wife n' kids, n' my house. Soon I found myself on the corner of the street."

"Why didn't you go to someone else? Any relatives?"

"My boy no one wants a jobless depressed man livin' in their basement. No one. Not even my brothers."

"They sound like jackasses, no offence-" He says, but gets cut off again. What an annoying habit. That strangely reminds him of someone, but he's too far out of his own mind to remember.

"S'understandable y'know? But I figured, family first. I s'pose they didn't see it that way. Durin' my time out here, I found people I didn't even know, strangers, other homeless people, were much kinder to me than my own family." The man says, and Law stares back and can't help but feel a bit foolish. That he thinks he has it so bad, but in reality there are many people out there that have it worse. And the man sitting next to him very obviously notices his change in expression and his softens.

"Don't take it the wrong way, I didn't mean to make it seem like ya don't got it bad."

"Yeah." Is all Law can really mutter out, he's just lost in his own train of thought. Can't help but feel worse just by talking to this man next to him, who's clearly had a hard life. And here he sits, bitching to himself about maybe how shitty his eggs were earlier. He thinks of himself as pathetic.

"Didn't mean to make ya sad boy. It's not always gonna be bad for ya, don't stress so much."

"You're still young, yeah? You got time. Me, well I'm growin' old. There's nothing much for me to do. You look like a smart boy, ya got your whole life ahead of you." He says, and Law thinks sure. If maybe he at least went to school, or had a job, maybe. But they're always maybes, never for sure answers. But that's life.

"Hmm." Law hums, because he can't just open his mouth and tell the man to shut up, that he's got no idea.

"Maybe ya can't see it, cause' it's so cloudy up there, but ya know it's there. Just gotta make it to the other side of them damn clouds." The man gestures, pointing to his head. Law can't help but choke out a laugh, not that anything is particularly funny. He just really has nothing to say, so laughing is apparently his way of replying.

"Also boy, stop doing whatever drugs ya darn kids are doin' these days. Don't intentionally fuck up ya life like that, you got it good. Don't let it go to waste." The man says and Law couldn't look more like a deer in headlights. He's sitting there, now nervously laughing at how good this man next to him is at reading people.

"Yeah, sorry." Not really agreeing that he "has it good" but more of, he's not going to do anything stupid again. At least not in the drugs department, no promises for anything else. Though the man does have a point.

The bus chimes the stop, and Law realizes that's meant for him, so he pushes the red button alerting the driver to stop when the approach it. He gets up, walks past the old man's legs and turns back around.

"Thanks. For sharing." He says, not really the best thank you but it's as good as he can get it. Short, sweet, and to the point.

"My pleasure kiddo' take care of ya'self!" He shouts and smiles back. And for a man who's been on the streets for twenty plus years, Law can't help but think he smiles bright. For someone who's been in the dark, he's light.

* * *

It's been at least a week, and he hasn't had to deal with anything particularly bad or annoying. At least until now. Law thinks his phone is the most annoying thing to have existed in this world right now. The way it hasn't stopped ringing for ten minutes straight is driving him mad. Each call, coming from none other than Luffy. Law's regretting ever continuing a conversation with him. Thinking if he'd only known he was going to be this annoying, he'd have ran out so quick and hopped into the first taxi he saw.

There's no point in having regrets about it now though. Luffy's calls persist, but he can't bring himself to decline, nor answer. He supposes the only way to make it stop would be to answer, tell him to never call again and then turn off his phone. But he figures as soon as he turns it back on again, the calls will start up again. Persistent bastard.

He's groaning. Sucking in a deep breath before he picks up and he doesn't even get the chance to say hello before Luffy's blaring in his ear. It's nine fucking am, he thinks.

_"Fucking hell Law finally! You're one heavy as fuck sleeper!"_

"I wasn't-"

_"Whatever! Anyway! I've got a shit ton of fucking food with me right now and- just tell me what floor you're on, what's your apartment number?"_

"What?"

_"APARTMENT NUMBER, WHAT FLOOR ARE YOU ON HELLO? ARE YOU STILL ASLEEP?"_

"Uh…"

_"Nuuuuumber…"_ He hears Luffy groan from the other end. Exaggerating the word and Law can tell that he's got zero patience.

"Floor 12. 1208."

_"Damn you're high up… okay I'm on my way!"_ he shouts and hangs up, not giving Law another second to ask why the hell he's even coming.

It's not even five minutes before he hears knocking at his door and shouting coming from behind it. He for a second thinks he can avoid this, he just needs to run out onto the fire escape and hide away somewhere for a couple hours. But his body thinks otherwise, and he's already opening the door. Damn.

"Well good morning sleepyhead! Here hold these will you," Luffy smiles and hands him two of the three paper bags he's got. His nostrils fill with the scent of baked goods. He thinks Luffy's some strange energetic bakery deity. He's not all that uncomfortable with him waltzing around his apartment. In fact it's kind of refreshing to have someone other than himself walk around the place. He doesn't let it get to his head though, or at least tries not to.

"Where'd you get all this?"

"My bro works at the bakery down the street and he hooked me the hell up…" He says in a low whisper like he'd just been dealing drugs. Not croissants and cinnamon buns. Luffy's unpacking the bags that are on the counter and he stops for a second to look around for something.

"What?"

"You got a pan or something? There's meat in here too._ Bacon._" He says with a smile and continues looking. Law has to wonder what the fuck he's doing with a stranger in his home, asking for a pan, which he has to admit he doesn't exactly trust him with. He looks like the kind of person to say they know what they're doing, then burn the entire place down. At least he knows the fire escape isn't all that far away.

"What the hell made you think you should come over here?"

"Huh? Don't friends have brunch? Or whatever that shit is? This is homemade brunch."

"Brunch is between breakfast and lunch. At eleven or something, not at nine, that's just breakfast."

"Oh. Whatever, Zoro was busy so I figured I'd drop by here. You're not all that far from my place anyway and eating alone is depressing." He says and Law knows, he knows all too well. He hangs his head a bit and scratches his neck, then walks over and gets out the pan Luffy's so intent on finding and places it on the stove.

"Oh good, this is going to be so good!" Luffy shouts and tries to take hold of the pan but Law's got a firm hold on it. For a second he thinks it'd be a good idea to just hit Luffy in the face with it. But he doesn't.

"Give me the bacon, I'll do it, I don't want you to burn my place down."

"Wha- I'm offended. I can't believe you think I'd do such a thing!" Luffy holds his hand to his chest as if he's appalled by the remark. Acting like a drama queen.

"Can you cook?" he asks him.

"Well-"

"Give me the bacon." He repeats. If he could, he wouldn't have to say 'well', he's not going to let him anywhere near the stove. Luffy pouts and does as he's told, how obedient. Like a dog.

* * *

"THIS… IS THE BEST BRUNCH I'VE EVER HAD!" Luffy shouts and continues to stuff his face. Law watching him eat like a literal animal who's been starving for ages and it's the most amusing thing he's seen in a while. The boy is walking entertainment. He can't really remember the last time he'd eaten breakfast with anyone else. The only time he'd eaten anything with anyone was again… with Luffy. He eats his own bacon, and Luffy tells him he should eat more. Put some meat on his bones and he chokes on his food for a second. Who was he to talk? He was about stick and bones himself.

He's got to agree though, it is the best meal he's had in a while. And though its mostly pastries and baked goods, he's kind of proud of himself for being able to sit still enough to finish a meal.

"SO hey," Luffy starts between bites and Law can only think how bad this is going to be, more questions, "What day is it today?" and Law's surprised it isnt some deep dark personal question, and he'd gladly answer if only he knew himself.

"Uh… I don't know." He takes out his phone and checks, "Thirtieth." He tells him and he's just as surprised as Luffy though he doesn't show it. He could have sworn he had a couple days before his next appointment, but apparently not.

"Damn I thought it was like, the twenty fifth or something!" and he's kind of laughing now but not, more of a low chuckle that sounds like his throat rubbing together uncomfortably. Luffy was even more far gone than he was when it came down to this.

"I asked because, well there's this party my friends having, he's like rich n' all but he's not an ass. I hate all the other snobby people that are gonna go though, so I figured I'd ask you to come with me!"

"Sorry what?"

"Halloween party, tomorrow. You wanna come with me?"

"If I thought that was even moderately funny, this is where I'd die of laughter." Law tells him, taking a bite out of his cinnamon roll and his face is as serious as ever. The expression _'if looks could kill'_ would be oddly fitting.

"I'm not joking!" Luffy shouts back, and he can see how eager Luffy is it's almost funny. _Almost. _

"In that case, no. Absolutely not." He tells him, he's not the party kind of guy, if he hadn't noticed already.

"Oh come on!" Luffy groans and looks like he's about to get on his hands and knees and beg.

"No." He refuses again. He's not about to let this teenager drag him to a damn party filled with as he'd said, snobby people.

"You don't like parties?" Luffy asks, bottom lip pursed out.

"Hate them." His answer is simple, that's all.

"WHAT! You're such a Debbie downer. Lame Law. Loser Law." Luffy says and Law's looking at him like he's an idiot. Name calling? Really?

"Just go alone."

"I don't wanna go alone, where's the fun in that?!" Luffy pouts even more and if he's to go even further down the pit of acting like a baby his lips might even fall off.

"Don't ask me."

"Come on please! Consider it a repayment for brunch!"

"I didn't ask you to bring a shit ton of food here-" He says, he feels like Luffy's using him already and for what? A fucking party?

"I know, I know! Just… come and if you don't want to stay we can leave!"

Law stays quiet, trying to weigh out his pros and cons. If he goes, he'll have to see a lot of people, and a lot of people will look at him, he's sure it'll be uncomfortable as fuck, and he hates that. Also, drinking. That's a pro and a con. He tosses that into the pro section though. And then there's having to deal with Luffy the entire night. Definetly con. Now he's sure he should say no.

"N-"

"Please! Please please please please please!" Luffy's begging him now and really pouting his lips like a baby and he's got his hands held together, shaking them to add to his desperation. Law's too much of a push over and a sucker, he'll feel bad if he says no now. So he complies.

"Fine. But if I don't like it-"

"We'll leave!" Luffy says and Law notes the way he says 'we'll' like he's ready to drop and do anything Law asks of him. In a way it's flattering but he feels like there's motive behind it. He's always suspicious, but he can't help that. He has to be careful, and vigilant.

"WOO! This is going to be fun! I'll come by tomorrow at 9? If that's fine!"

"Yeah, whatever."

"HOORAY! You'll have fun, I'm sure! Lighten up!" He says, whacking Law on the shoulder across the table between them and Law's glaring at him now, contemplating kicking him the hell out.

* * *

After forty minutes of riding on the bus and listening to Luffy's ridiculous stories, Law finds himself standing in front of a rather large house. He's thinking might in fact be the first mansion he's ever seen in his life. And he takes a second to take it all in, that's ruined when Luffy pushes him telling him to hurry up and walks up a bit in front of him.

He's walking through the door behind Luffy. He can already feel the crippling anxiety of being in a room, no, a large over 3,000 square feet home of some random friend of Luffy's. Who he most likely also met as a stranger and forced to become friends with, that's filled with people.

"ZORO!" He hears Luffy shout over the blasting music and he has no idea how a voice can reach that high, but whatever.

"Hey Luffy." He sees the man Luffy's trying to talk to over the music. He's a tall, green haired man. Who the hell had green hair?

"This is Law! He's my friend I hope you don't mind I brought him."

"Nah it's cool. The more people the merrier right?" He says and Law's pretty sure it's addressed to him. He clears his throat, "Uh yeah." He says and shakes the hand that Zoro had extended to him.

They talk about some crap Law can't hear over whatever shitty music is playing. He figures it's some mainstream shit and he doesn't bother with it. Luffy turns back to ask him something he can't hear, and he just nods. Then Luffy's gone. He has no idea if he's supposed to have followed or not, all he knows is now he's standing alone. Though there are at least fifty people around him. Luffy's friend, Zoro, standing right in front of him saying something.

"Sorry what?"

"I said, how do you know Luffy?" He hears him ask. Oh you know, the usual. He saved him from getting hit from a car on a street he walked onto. On purpose.

"Uh we met at a café." He says, which is kind of true, formally at least.

"Oh boy I bet you he forced his way into your life pretty much. He's like that. He's not bad though, he's a good guy." Zoro says. He's wondering why the fuck the guy's pretty much vouching for Luffy's good citizenship status.

"What about you?" He asks, it's only polite right? Looks like he's after that Good Samaritan title too by the way things are going.

"Ah we go to the same school. He was the loudest guy in class- well still is. He's a riot, believe me."

"Yeah." He agrees, because well, the green haired man isn't wrong. And he's shit at keeping up conversation, especially ones he's got to yell for. He notices a giddy boy walking back, and Luffy's somehow managing to hold three cups in his hands.

"Do you go to our school too? Have I just never seen you around?"

"Law doesn't go to school!" Luffy says, "Here you go!" Luffy's handing him a cup and the other to Zoro. "And I also took this. I hope you don't mind or whatever." Luffy says to Zoro, one hand reaching to his back pocket and he pulls out a full bottle of vodka. Law assumes it's about, 500ml. Hoping he's not going to try to drink that all himself, he doesn't want to have to take care of him.

"I didn't even buy that, you must have taken someone else's booze." Zoro laughs and Law can't help but curl his lips up into a half smile, finding it amusing.

"Oh? Whatever who cares, sharing is caring." He says and chugs whatever he's got in his cup, Law doing the same and it's almost like a juice but he feels the burn shortly afterwards. Sweet and hot.

"So if you don't go to school, what do you do?" Zoro asks between taking large gulps of his drink and he thinks shit, he does nothing. He doesn't go to school, he doesn't work, he does nothing. He doesn't know what to say, he thinks he looks like a pig sweating under lights.

"ZORO! This is a party why the hell are you asking such boring questions?!" Luffy shouts and Law thinks thank god, and lets out a sigh of relief.

"Man what do you want me to ask him? His blood type? How he gets his hair to stick up like that?" Zoro asks him and Law's just standing there like a dumbass not communicating. He's looking around and taking in the atmosphere and he sees this group of girls staring at him. Then turning back to laugh and giggle.

"That's not too bad, I've been wondering that too, it looks cool."

"Uh… I just wake up like this." When he does wake up that is.

"I'm jealous" Luffy pouts. He's pouring some vodka into his cup, then Zoro's. Takes the bottle for himself, not holding back and Law's pretty sure he just downed four shots at once. What a champion in such a little body. Luffy shouts and the three of them are having quite the time. He's not really hating it, that's got to be a good sign right. Wrong. Zoro's shouting something like going to say hello to a different friend and when he looks over in the direction Zoro's walking. He see's Kid. Eustass Kid, the piece of shit that'd left him for dead. Couldn't bother with little old Law, he was too much effort. Not worth the time. Next to him, his little arm candy, Bonney. They'd been on and off way more times than Law could even remember. And Law can feel himself pale out, and Luffy's trying to snap him out of it.

"HEY! What's wrong? You look like you just saw a ghost!" Luffy shouts in a drunken slur mostly, but he's able to make the words out clear enough for Law to understand.

"Yeah, kind of." He admits. It is like a ghost. Looking at his past in one second and having it all flash right before his eyes. Luffy's still slurring something. Law feels like he's having his entire life replay in slow motion right in front of him. The people he'd once known and called his friends. All on the other side of the large home laughing and drinking together and he can't help but get angry. Agitated at the picture.

"Helloooooo earth to Law!" Luffy shouts and is punching his arm when he turns to him.

"What?"

"I don't know what, you tell me what, because you know the what, the what I don't know, I don't know what." He says and Law's just furious he could scream right now but holds it in, holds it back. He looks back and he swears, he fucking _swears_, he makes eye contact with Bonney and he sees her nudging Kid's arm. Then he swears, Kid looks right at him and that's when he's turned away by Luffy pulling on his arm.

"What the hell, let go of me-" Luffy does as he's asked, and shoves the bottle of vodka into his hands.

"You look like you… could use this." He says and well, Luffy's not wrong. But he's pissed he needs Luffy to tell him that.

"Shut the fuck up," He spits, but takes a large swing, downing at least half of whats left in it and his throats on fire. He shouldn't be drinking, he really shouldn't. His medication says not to, but who gives a shit right now? Life is much too full of shit to give a damn about some restrictions right now.

Luffy's laughing and he doesn't understand what's funny, and it's pissing him off. He can still see them from where he and Luffy are now standing and Luffy's just falling all over the place. Grabbing onto Law's arm for support and he winces and pushes Luffy off, Luffy hitting the wall behind him. Harder than he'd expected.

"Ow, what the hell?!" He shouts back and a couple people look over at them, and he's about to lose it. Like he's about to burst into tears, scream at the top of his lungs or just full out start throwing everything within arms reach at whoever. He shoves the bottle into Luffy's chest. Waiting for him to hold it with his hands before letting go and walking in the opposite direction of the people that had hurt him. He's shoving through people that stand in his way and he hears Luffy calling out his name from behind.

He's annoyed by how one little thing sets him off. A comment, an obstruction to his routine, which in this case, are his old friends, and down that slope he goes sliding again. Down the endless bumpy slide into a dark pit where he'll stay for who knows how long. He keeps walking until he ends up in a courtyard or backyard or whatever, some fucking yard.

He can hear the footsteps behind him getting louder and he's just so fucking sick. His heart aches, his head is throbbing and his stomach… well that's a given. There's not that many people around though. Considering it is pretty cold out, so if he were to spew chunks all over the place it wouldn't be that mortifying.

"HEY WHAT THE FUCK LAW!" He hears behind him, and he can't deal with this right now. He just needs Luffy to leave him the fuck alone right now. He knows how far fetched that idea is.

"Leave me alone Luffy I swear to god-"

"Why the hell are you pushing me around?! What's your fucking problem?!" Luffy shouts back and of course it's not really much of a shock that he'd interrupt him.

"I didn't- Just leave me alone. God." He yells back and he keeps walking, he doesn't know where he's going but he sees a fountain. That looks nice.

"Where are you going?! Why are you so fucking angry?!"

Why was he angry? He could list off at least fifty different reasons, but he wasn't about to waste his breath explaining.

"I just don't belong there, okay?! I wanted to get out, is that so fucking hard to understand?!" Or maybe he was. He doesn't really know himself, so maybe he and Luffy could sit down, have a nice conversation about _life. _

"I said if you didn't want to stay we would leave didn't I?!" Luffy shouts back.

"It's so… awful in there. I felt like I was going to fucking explode on the spot. What the fuck else was I supposed to do?!"

"You should have told me!" Luffy shouts back and it's weird how surprisingly coherent he's become in about five minutes, when he was just falling all over the place.

"You're drunk off your fucking ass what are you going to do?! You've just been laughing the whole god damned night like you're having such a great fucking time! Whoop-de-doo! Not everyone can be super duper happy like fucking majestic ass Luffy okay?!" After it comes out he realizes he sounds just as bad as a teenager.

Luffy looks back at him and Law can tell he's shocked. He's drunk but every word Law's saying is hitting him right where Law intends it to, and he thinks good. The little runt is getting what he just deserves. Finally he's not the only one who has to suffer.

"You fucking ride on this high horse of yours and prance around claiming you're my friend- I don't even fucking know you! And you sure as hell don't know me! You think knowing I like Greek food is knowing me?! You have no idea what I've been through! You just- you're making everything worse for me! I'm living in a literal version of hell right now because of you!" He'd better not think he's done, because god, Law's been waiting for this fucking moment. To shout and let it all out. He doesn't care if it takes every breath he's got, he'll do it.

"Law-"

"GOD, every time I hear your fucking voice I want to rip my ears off, just shut the fuck up! You're so god damn annoying don't you get it?! I'm not your fucking little friend who has stupid as fuck brunches and shit, what's your fucking deal?! What do you want from me?!" He goes on and Luffy's just staring at him now and he parts his lips and speaks in a low, quiet voice.

"We can leave-"

"Yeah fucking right, you brought me here in the first place. You knew. You know it all; you think it's all some fucking joke. I saw the way you laughed, like it's so fucking amusing to you huh? You think it's that funny?!" He shouts and Luffy's just staring back at him. Confused, he doesn't get why. Obviously Luffy knows, why else would he drag him out to such a suffocating place?

"Oh what now you have nothing to say? Nothing to laugh at? Because you got fucking _caught_?" He says and lets out a laugh, it's really empty air, but his laugh is cold. Luffy still standing there with his lips parted but no words are coming out and that's just perfect.

"This was your fucking… sick twisted idea in the first place right? To fucking bring me here, to embarrass me and make me feel like… like…" Like he wants to die. Like he could die right there on the spot.

"You're just like them. You're not some fucking saint who just saves people from oncoming traffic. You fucking bastard you're no different than those assholes! You can go join them in their fucking pathetic reign of high and mighty bullshit. You don't like rich and snobby people? Yeah fucking right, you're nothing but a pathological liar. You're having a fucking blast, and you bring me along, as your main source of entertainment. Fuck them, and fuck you too. Fuck every one you. You're all the same!" He finishes and takes a deep breath, swallows, then rubs his face with his hands that are sweaty and shaky, he feels like he can't breathe. Like he's just wasted what little oxygen he didn't have on Luffy. How worthless.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU GAIN FROM MAKING ME FEEL LIKE THIS?!" He shouts even louder now, and the few people that are outside all turn in their direction and he just wants to leave. He starts walking and pushes past Luffy. Just been standing there like he was mimicking the statue on the fountain that was behind Law. Or mocking him by just pretending he had no idea what he was talking about. He thinks its the ladder.

He's walking away, for the first time from anything. Usually it's him who gets left behind in the dust. Not this time. He can't hear anything behind him so he knows Luffy isn't following him again. He walks back into the house, shoving his way through sweaty loud people that all stick to him. He's so fucking pissed if he even sees Kid out the corner of his eye he'll walk over and punch him square in the face. Many times. He passes Zoro though, no Kid in sight. He's half relieved because he's not quite sure he'd be able to hold back in the case he does see him. He spots a bottle of tequila just placed on the table beside the exist and grabs it. He walks out the front door, and he's standing on some fucking rich neighborhood street.

Where the hell is he? Fuck. Luffy had been the one with the directions, and he paid no attention on the bus ride here. He's so pissed off. Fuck Luffy, fuck the party, fuck Kid and all the other bitches around him, fuck it all. In his fit of rage, he punches a cement pole. Not his smartest move, but he just needs to hit something. And it's like his hands have a mind of it's own, punching the cold cement over and over until Law's hand is bleeding. He doesn't' think he's broken a finger or whatever, but it's good. The pain. He chugs the rest of the bottle, which wasn't all that full to begin with but it's enough to make an impact. When he's done he smashes the bottle on the road, glass shattering and going in every direction.

He sits his sorry ass down on the curb a few feet away from Zoro's house, under the streetlight. He's got the worst headache now and he hates it. Everything. He's so sick of feeling. He was sure he didn't care, or maybe he'd just managed to trick himself into thinking he didn't care. It was crazy how just one look brought up so much pent up anger inside him. But it wasn't even that, he knows why he's like this. He blames them. He was never this bad before them. It's all because of them.

* * *

He doesn't have a clue about how long he's just been sitting there, the blood on his knuckles now dry and flaky and he's picking at it already. So maybe a half hour. Then there's a shadow, small compared to his own, in the streetlight on the road in front of him and he looks up. Luffy. Fucking terrific. He looks enraged and Law's thinking it's just perfect. Just rosy.

"What the fuck do you want from me now? I have nothing left to fucking give you." He tells him, and Luffy does nothing but stare down at him. Looks at him like he's pathetic, and he hates it.

There's tugging at his arm and he's pulled to his feet by Luffy and just why? Couldn't he ever be alone when he's asked?

"Let go of me you fucking asshole." He slurs and Luffy's pulling him down the street, and he's trying to keep up with his fast pace but his feet just wont cooperate. He's sure he looks worse than Luffy did earlier. Whatever.

"Are you fucking deaf? I said let go. Let me go." Law's still slurring, and it occurs to him Luffy might just be stupider than he thought.

"I don't need your help!" He shouts and Luffy changes his grip on his arm to grab Law's hand and pulls him from in front. He squeezes and it isn't out of some strange new developed affection, but out of anger. Rage. He's pissed the hell off and he's about to squeeze the blood right out of him.

He can't say he doesn't deserve it, but he's too drunk and too angry to care. If he had the stable hand eye coordination he needs, he'd punch him right out. He winces a bit when Luffy's nails are digging into his skin and he takes that as his sort of demand to shut the hell up. Who was he to give him orders?

"Stop, let me go." He shouts again and he's wiggling around in Luffy's grasp. No good though. Luffy's holding onto him with everything he's got. Through blurred eyes he sees his knuckles are completely white. No bloods getting to them except for Law's.

They're on a main street now. He thinks in the downtown part of the city and he shuts his mouth. He knows it's for the best, and if over there could shut up, then so could he. At least until the number of people surrounding them died down. He's trying to look at Luffy's face, but with his hoodie up he can't see anything but the occasional crinkle of his nose.

"I fucking hate you." He grumbles in a low voice, it's loud enough for Luffy to hear it. Part of him thinks he's trying to provoke Luffy on purpose, get any kind of reaction out of him and see what he'll do. How will he lie his way through the situation? Is he going to apologize? So many questions are running through his mind and he's not coherent enough to make sense of the lot of them.

People around them just seem to keep coming, one after the other. Groups of loud drunk friends stumbling out of bars and clubs. All onto the loud streets that illuminate under the streetlights. He's not sure how many, maybe forty, sixty, a hundred. Double that, because everything he sees are in twos. It's only adding to his pounding migraine so he just closes his eyes. Lets himself get pulled along like the drunk he is by Luffy. He's not sure how long he goes on like that, but soon he feels Luffy let go of his hand and his eyelids fly open.

They're standing in front of Law's apartment, well at least he is. Luffy's still walking, doesn't even mutter a word. His hands, now tucked into the front pocket of his hoodie, and he's just going to leave Law there. Because fuck, he's pissed too and he can't deal with the stupidity and rage Law's going to attack him with again if he says anything else. But he's no asshole, the least he could do was bring him back home, and now that he has, that's that. He's done his task.

Law's just standing there, almost leaning on the light post at the edge of the curb for support. Should he say something? Thank him for taking him home? No, fuck that. That's the last thing he wants to do. He doesn't deserve his thanks, much less another breath used to utter a single word to him. He pushes off the post and wobbles his way through the main entrance and he thinks walking is ten times harder than it was before. Because Luffy's not the one dragging him down the street anymore.

He fumbles around in his pocket and his fingers are shaking and he just can't grab his damned keys. He takes off his jacket and throws it to the floor in front of his door, key falling out and all and bends over to pick it up. Unlocks the door, and just kicks his jacket in like a little child who's having a hissy fit. Immediately he walks over to the kitchen, not even bothering to take off his shoes, and grabs the first bottle of alcohol he's got. Its some old red wine that Rocinante had brought over god knows how many months ago, oh well. He pops it open, doesn't even go for a glass. Just takes a huge swing from the bottle. He feels like some middle aged woman who knows her husband is cheating on her, but uses it as an excuse to just drink. Except he's a young adult, who's got the worst combination of illnesses and he's just looking for a means of escape. At least for a little while.

He's sitting on the couch now. Wondering all sorts of things that life wants from him. He's got nothing to give; he doesn't know why it keeps asking. He's so far gone, can't even open his eyes all the way anymore. He's feeling nothing but a need to not think. He doesn't know how much more miserable he can get, he's already so used to being the lowest of lows, it's not all that shocking to him anymore. The world he's created has become so narrow. Tight to walk through that even a few seconds in it sucks every bit of oxygen and energy right out of him. So he retreats, back into his head, thinking of distractions to exercise and numb out the pain. It's a terrible habit, he knows. Even in the pit of drunkenness he knows, but it's much more than that now. It's obsession. He's stuck in a vicious cycle that'll never let go no matter how much he gives in; it just keeps taking and taking.

His mind doesn't ask for much other than to suffer. Whereas happiness, in what little of it he can remember, is one tricky as fuck bastard. Can't trust it. He groans, takes another swing, some of the red liquid spilling down his chin. And he realizes the bottles empty. Damn. He tries to put it down on the coffee table in front of him. But he thinks there's four, five of them and picks the one he's certain is real. Then there's the sound of glass hitting the wooden floor, not breaking, to his surprise.

Law's eyes are droopy; he's kind of numb now. Not feeling nothing but he cant feel anything either. It's as if he's dying, but he knows he's not. His heart is beating so fast it feels like it could come to a stop or just explode altogether any second, but he knows it won't. Nothing ever goes the way he'd like them to, so there's no point in getting his hopes up. He just lays there, arm hanging off the couch and staring up into the darkness of his apartment, trying to keep his eyes open. He has no idea why though; this should be something he'd think of as wonderful.

He can finally go to sleep.


	4. You Don't Know

**A/N: **So I realized from the messages I got asking whether or not this story was going to end soon, that I poorly worded my last authors note. I apologize, I meant that Chapter 3, was supposed to be 3 and 4, but I just threw them both together. Not that the story was supposed to be only a few chapters long, it still has ways to go, don't worry! But since so many people were asking me about it, I figured I'd clear it up now and give you guys another chapter kind of like my apology? Anyway, I hope you all enjoy! ~S

**TRIGGER WARNINGS: **Depression, Anxiety.

* * *

Law's been zoning out a lot lately, and he doesn't know if thats just the meds. Or if he's just genuinely lost interest in every single thing coming out of his psychiatrists mouth. It's not that he doesn't appreciate it, he'd just rather be doing something, anything else in the world right now. Sitting and talking about his feelings is about second to last on his list.

"You've been taking your medication, I presume?" She asks him and he nods.

"Yeah." He leaves out that he's been drinking too, because shit he's not in the mood to listen to her lecture right now.

"And how have you felt the past few days? Any subtle differences?"

"I had a uh… episode. I guess?" God he hates admitting it, and he can feel his chest tighten just by the word. And by the way she clicks her pen, ready to write whatever comes out of his mouth next. She doesn't say anything, like she's waiting for him to continue. "I saw a couple of my old friends. At this party and I just… snapped."

"What do you mean by snapped?"

"You know, like _snapped. _Everything in my mind just broke down and I couldn't take it. Seeing them." He says and he can't help but feel guilt whirling up in his gut.

"You still use the term friends, even though you use past tense. Why is that?"

Good question.

One he doesn't know the answer to. It just comes out like that. He doesn't have a reason, what else is he supposed to say? The manipulative bastards that fucked him over when he needed them? The people he thought he could trust and count on when he was at the lowest point of his being, but turned their backs? He knows he's not the easiest person to communicate with but god damn, they were all too quick to turn on him.

"I don't know."

"Does a part of you still wish you were their friend?" She asks and it somewhat hits close to home. Like her words practically jabbed him in the chest. Multiple times.

Yes. No. No. No. Well maybe.

"No. I at least know I deserve better than that." It's not all a lie. He knows that much at least, though he also knows he doesn't exactly deserve to have friends who are that caring.

"But having friends always helps does it not?"

He briefly thinks of Luffy. Sure. Until you cuss them out and they leave you on the street.

"Not really. I'd rather be alone."

"Why is that?"

Again with the why's, she asks like he has all the fucking answers. That couldn't be farther from the truth. He has no damned clue.

"I can't trust them. People."

"Are you afraid of getting hurt?"

Yes. Who wouldn't be? Anyone who's just able to make friends with whoever they come across has got to be a complete imbecile. Again Luffy flashes in his mind.

"I guess."

* * *

Law's staring out the window, and by now he's forgotten the question he's been asked. He's just rambling, but it feels good. To let it out, no matter how corny and metaphorical it sounds, how he feels isn't choked up and lodged in his throat for once. It's almost like a huge weight has been lifted off his chest.

"It's like… I'm walking down somewhere, a beach or whatever, and the sun is setting and it looks all nice- warm and sunny. Bright, kind of illuminates the water in it's own way. And I chase after it; I can see the light right in front of me. It's right there. And I'm basking in it, the warmth of the light. And then I blink, my heart skips a beat, and it's dark. And it'll be dark until the sun rises again." Law's never been great at getting his feelings out. His answers are usually short sweet and to the point. Yes, no, maybe, I don't know. So he's not all that surprised when his psychiatrist just stares back at him with a '_what the fuck kind of bullshit is that_' face.

"So you find yourself being able to be happy at least?"

"Er, I suppose. I'm more hanging on a rope in the middle of my highs and psychological purgatory though." He says, and looks back out the window because her confused face is really unsettling. She should work on that. Or maybe it's just him who perceives it that way.

"Why do you feel that way?"

"Why? Uh… Hm… I guess just… I know it'll always come creeping back? The shitty feeling I mean, and while it's nice and all when it's gone, I know it'll never stay that way."

"These things take time, Law. You tackle one thing at a time, you can't take it all on at once." She says and he almost laughs, the way she speaks almost makes him sound like some super hero who's trying to take on the whole world in one big go. A really, _really, _shitty one.

"I guess." He sits there, and he thinks. But he's stumped. Hit a dead end. Unable to figure out how the hell he can get back to "happy," or at the very least, back to "content."

* * *

Law's at home on the couch, mindlessly flipping through the same websites, the same channels, the same shit. It's all boring. And he thinks if he were standing on the outside looking in, he'd laugh at how pathetic and miserable he looks. Just sitting there, doing nothing but clicking buttons, wearing them down.

Someone's banging on the door. Loud. And he wants nothing more than to stay the hell alone. But gets up to stop whoever the annoying jerk on the other side of the wooden door is from irritating him any further. Who knocks this loud anyways? He opens the door, sees Luffy for about two seconds before he pushes past him and invites himself in. Doesn't really surprise him all that much anymore, the knocking. Luffy though, is a surprise. Walking in, not bothering to take his shoes off as a courtesy, he's just well, Luffy. He's got the same expression Law thinks he remembers from a few nights ago, but he's not too sure.

He hasn't seen Luffy in a couple of days and all he can do is look back at him, shocked. Like someone just told him he'd won the lottery but instead of money, he gets Luffy. And it's not that he thinks he's got a friend or anything of the sort, he's just genuinely in shock. If he were to have snapped at his old friends like that, he'd have to be the one to apologize. Though maybe that's what Luffy wants, an apology. He can't disagree that perhaps he did take it a bit too far. What he can remember he said at least. He should apologize, say sorry, ask for the one person who called themselves his friend in years to forgive him, but he can't. He's too scared, he's sweating and he's shaking.

It's about the same feeling he gets when he's told it's his turn to present, in front of say, five hundred people. But it's not, because Luffy's just one person. But then it is, because Luffy's one person he, for some fucking reason, cares what he thinks about him.

"What are you doing here?" He asks, in the lowest, simplest voice he can muster up. He feels like he's about to stop breathing and drop to the floor. But no, he has to last. Has to hear what Luffy has to say because it's got to be important if he came all the way to his place, right? So he waits. Watches Luffy who just looks straight back at him, vision never faltering, and takes a deep breath. Oh god, he thinks, here it comes. Is he going to be calm? Is he going to yell? Maybe skip talking altogether and just lunge over and punch him in the face?

"What… the fuck is your problem?" Comes out of Luffy's mouth and Law just mentally takes out his never ending list of problems and issues. But he doesn't get it. And it's certainly not the first question he expected to come out of his mouth, but he'll take it over what he had imagined, though he's confused as hell.

"What-"

"I mean seriously, what is your fucking problem?!" Luffy asks again, this time angrier than before.

Law just stares. He's so pathetic all he can do is look at him, like a deer in headlights. Who was just walking around on a deserted road in the dark until Luffy comes at him at 70km/h.

"I mean, if you were fucking upset or something you could have talked to me you know?! We're friends. That's what friends do! They don't shove the other into a fucking wall and run away and then just go the fuck off! What the hell did I ever do to you anyway?!" Luffy shouts at him and Law can't help but be even more surprised than he was about four minutes ago. He didn't really think it'd have that much of an effect on Luffy. Actually, he didn't think he'd hear from Luffy ever again anyways. But then it hits him, like Luffy pressed on the gas a bit out of impulse and hit the deer, Law.

Friends. They weren't friends. Were they? He has no idea. He's always avoided people when he can so he doesn't have to make himself vulnerable to questions. Like he is right now. He's a jumbled mess. Depression can be such a dangerous thing. He can appear absolutely normal and functional to the outside, but he's silently screaming on the inside.

"Nothing. You… did nothing." He wants to just go off on the longest apologetic rant he can, spill his heart and guts out to Luffy, but he just can't. He can tell Luffy's upset, who wouldn't be? He'd said disgusting things to him, things he didn't deserve. And he feels like shit. Like utter, complete, worthless shit.

"Then explain to me what the fucking big deal was!" Luffy shouts back almost instantly, and Law can tell he's not about to leave until he gets some answers. Doesn't know why, doesn't really care to ask. He'll just keep blowing him off until he leaves.

"It's nothing."

"It's not nothing!"

"Don't stick your nose into business you have no right being in! I'm sorry for what I said but I have no obligation to tell you anything! I don't owe you anything!" And he's mad again, fuck his emotions. He'd gone from the lowest point of being upset to pissed off in almost ten seconds.

"No you don't, but I figure if you're sorry, you'd tell me you know?" Luffy says in a softer tone than before, he looks calmer but that same rage is still surrounding him. Like an aura.

"I don't have to tell you anything."

"Then just make me understand." Luffy says and Law's the one who doesn't understand. Why he's so damn persistent.

"I… can't." He's struggling now. It's eating at him. Just a few hours ago he was sitting down, laying mostly, and pouring out his feelings in some poetic analogy type of crap, and now here he stands, not even able to look Luffy in the eyes.

"Oh come on." Luffy says, scoffing and calling him out on his bluff.

"You don't know. You don't know a single thing. You're just walking in here, for what? An apology? I already said I'm sorry."

"I'm not going to judge you or anything. I don't care; I just want you to be okay. I told you that you could have talked to me because I didn't want you to feel like you were suffocating." Luffy tells him, pretty much ignoring what Law just said. And he's surprised, that Luffy seems at least kind of understanding. Sure, he has no idea about anything he's gone through, but he's got the '_how to be a good friend_' principle almost down.

"Look it's nothing you have to involve yourself in-"

"But I want to. To help you!" Luffy insists. Why's he being so difficult? He doesn't know him.

"I don't need your help." He tells him curtly. He doesn't._ He doesn't._

"That's why you walked out onto oncoming traffic right? Because you don't need help?" Luffy says almost insultingly but Law knows it's not meant in that way. He's frightened. The look Luffy's giving him, like he knows all his dirty little secrets, every single moment of his life. Looking into his mind from above, he's got a good birds eye view of things by the way he talks, but that's just all it is. Talk.

"What are you trying to say?" He asks and his voice is full of suspicion, not trying to give away how nervous he is right now. He could cry.

"I'm not _that_ big of an idiot. I can tell the difference between someone walking onto the street because they think it's okay to walk, someone who's trying to get to the other side because they're going to miss the bus and there's little traffic, and someone who's purposely walking out for the sake of getting hit." He gets out in one breath and it hits Law. Luffy's known all along, or at least somehow pieced it together along the way. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. He probably shouldn't have underestimated the brains on him, or at least not in this section of "life" and all. It's come back to bite him in the butt.

"You don't know what you're talking about. Leave." He tells him, walking closer and grabs him by the arm. If he has to drag him out he will, but Luffy doesn't budge.

"Law, fucking- seriously. I'm trying right now! I don't know how to deal with any of this shit! I can take you yelling at me if it makes you feel better I don't care, I just want to know why!" He swats the arm that Law had on him off, and takes a step back. Holding his ground.

Law kisses his teeth, because fuck he's so all over the place right now. Luffy's fucking with his already fucked emotions and he doesn't know what to do, what to say.

"You don't know me, why the hell are you trying so hard?!"

"Because I know how it feels to be alone, okay? Maybe not as bad as you but-"

"I'm not alone." He says harshly, trying to convince himself for the most part. But reality slaps him in the face, it's a bitch, he is alone. Luffy just looks back at him, and Law can't read this face. Whatever it is. Looks like remorse, hurt, anger, all mixed into one.

"I can see the sadness in your eyes, you fucking ass. What are you so afraid of?!" Luffy shouts back at him and shoves his finger in Law's face, pointing at his eyes and it's all he can see.

He can think of a couple things, but no. He won't let Luffy coddle him into spilling a single thing. He keeps his mouth shut.

"Just trust me!" Luffy shouts, and to Law's guess it's to break the silence.

"I can't." He says back, and he's not really sure how long he can keep this up. Going back and forth with _'just tell me' _and _'no'. _

"Why not?!"

"Because people lie, they manipulate, they hurt and they don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves!" He shouts back at him, and his face softens afterwards. Hurt so visibly written across it. Luffy could tell there was more to his words than he was letting go. There wasn't much more that frightened him than the thought of letting people in again.

And it's as if every single time someone had told him to trust them pops into his head and he realizes that they've all ended in him becoming abandoned. Maybe Luffy feels bad for him, like '_aw, poor guy can't keep his life together_'.

"You want to be my friend because you pity me?" He asks softly, and he doesn't really know where it's coming from. Words are just spewing out and he can't make them stop. He can't make the hurting stop.

"What- no!"

"Because I'm alone so you want to make me some kind of project? Like hey, let's see if I can somehow heal this sick guy who wants to get hit by a car and end his life! I'm not your fucking science fair presentation!" Law's shouting now too, and he's just really done with it all. If Luffy would just _shut up _and leave, he'd be able to recompose himself. Or so he thinks.

"I didn't say you were you're putting words in my mouth!" Luffy shouts back and Law's at it again. It's so hard to breathe.

"But you're thinking it aren't you?! That it's just so _low_ and_ pathetic_, so you want to try to help. Because maybe it'll give your life some value, boost your fucking points so when you die you go up into heaven while my sorry ass rots in hell. God just leave, I don't know why you even wanted to come here." He says and begins to walk away from Luffy, to the door, doesn't make it that far because Luffy's reply sets him off.

"I don't think that at all! I don't know how to prove it to you or anything, I'm not that uh… informed. But I'll be here if you need to talk-"

"I don't need to talk." That's what his psychiatrist is for. Unless Luffy's some secret psychiatrist in disguise, he doesn't need it. There's a silence that drags on for way too long. It's become some shitty staring competition to see who'll break first. It's Luffy.

"Fine." Luffy says and he walks past him. He's leaving. Law's heart is beating so quick it could rupture; he's sure this many beats per minute can't be good. Some annoying voice in the back of his head is telling him to call out to Luffy, tell him to wait and this time, genuinely apologize. The other voice is saying he's better off. Luffy, that is. Not him. He'll never be better, but Luffy at least; he can spare the trouble of getting involved.

There's a slam of the door and Law's left to his lonesome self again. But not exactly, he's accompanied by the hundreds of broken pieces of glass now scattered all over the floor. He's breaking anything and everything he can. Pushing over the stools that stood by the kitchen island. Ripping off all little notes and reminders Rocinante had put up for him on the fridge. Almost nothing in the apartment even belonged to him. And he recalls this isn't the first time he's broken plates and cups, chairs and such. But he doesn't think of himself as a violent person, he wouldn't beat anyone up, unless provoked. He's just… frustrated.

* * *

Go figure he can't sleep. Even with medication. It's more or less giving him a really shitty high, he feels like he's floating. But he's also drowning in self-loathing, and cursing the way sleep could compare to a cat. Only coming to you if you ignore it. He feels like he's made of glass. And there's something hovering above him with a hammer. Gently tapping away until it decides to hammer into him good, breaking him, shattering him. Everything hurts.

Law thinks he's funny, the way he's become so dastardly poetic. Not in a good way, he's got to stop with the ridiculous analogies.

All he can think of is how he's let everyone down. His family, looking down at him from wherever they are, laughing at how feeble he looks. He's better off dead. He could be, dead that is. There's a bottle of pills right next to his head, chanting, calling out his name, saying 'take us, take us' and he thinks he's losing it. It's the sleep deprivation talking, it's the insomnia, and it's not what he wants. Is it? No, no. He's better than that. He thinks he's better than that.

But he's not. And again, in the dead of night. In such a dark and dreary, lonely room he's only accompanied by the dark shadows against the walls. Created by the moonlight seeping through the cracks of his blinds. They kind of look like monsters. He's one of them. A monster. Some inhuman being that lives off little to no sleep. He sits up, leans against the cool wall and sends shivers down his spine. Kicking off the covers, all the way off. Until they hit the floor. He curls up, legs pressed against his chest and he tucks his head underneath his shaky arms.

Good things come to those who deserve it. Sleep was a good thing, and Law definitely doesn't deserve it.

* * *

A couple of days pass, and Law's grabbing his usual coffee at the cafe. He's looking around, waiting for someone to call out his name so he can get back to doing what he had planned. Just his luck, he notices Luffy sitting in the corner, on his laptop typing away. And it can't be a coincidence, it's just too perfectly laid out for it to be. He thinks he should apologize, it's not one of his particularly bad days, so it shouldn't be all that difficult. He's not feeling as crappy as usual, so it's a good idea he thinks, to say he's sorry. That he snapped, overreacted and said things to him he didn't mean.

His name gets called out, and he looks at Luffy to see if he notices but he sees headphones lodged in his ears and figures, most likely not. He takes his coffee, walking through a few people and finds himself standing in front of Luffy, who looks up at him. Expressionless, and looks back down at his computer screen.

"Can we... talk?" He asks, and Luffy pulls one of his headphones out.

"You say something?" Luffy asks, and Law's almost sure he heard him and is just pretending he didn't. But he calms himself down. Repeats in his head that not everyone is out to get him somehow.

"I need to talk to you."

"Sorry. I'm kind of busy, I have a paper due." He tells him, but he doesn't put his headphone back in. Law takes it as a go ahead, not verbally but he doesn't care.

"I didn't mean to go off on you like that. Twice." He starts, and Luffy looks back at him like he's ready to go off him for a change. He deserves it.

"You've made it crystal clear you didn't want to talk. So why are you standing there?"

"It's not that I didn't want to talk, Luffy. I can't. It's _physically_ hard for me."

"And now, you think it's easier for you?" Luffy asks, sitting back in his chair just eyeing him.

"Kind of, yeah." He tells him and Luffy watches him intensely. "Didn't you say you'd be there if I needed you?" He asks, because Luffy's not answering him and he thinks he can be selfish, for once. Luffy sighs and nods, pulling out his other headphone, and closes his laptop. Law takes it as an okay to sit down, so he does. Putting his coffee down and opening the lid to let it cool off while he tries his best to muster up an apology and explanation.

"Don't expect this to be good, I don't know how much I can force out of myself." He warns, doesn't want to get Luffy's hopes up all that much. Luffy nods once more.

"I didn't mean to go off on you, I swear I didn't. You were just... convenient. Don't take that in the wrong way, I mean you were there and it just needed to come out. None of it's meant for you. You didn't do anything wrong to me. Just the opposite." He says and Luffy's taking a long sip of whatever he's got in his own cup, and Law takes a deep breath. He doesn't remember the last time he's sat with someone other than his psychiatrist and actually talked.

"I saw a couple of people that I used to know. A couple of years ago, they were my friends. I uh... wasn't exactly the easiest person to deal with I guess, at least to them." He says and he's picking at the skin on the sides of his fingers, he's so damned nervous. It's ridiculous how much sweat he can feel dripping down the back of his neck. Or how much he imagines is.

"God this is so much fucking harder than I thought." Law says and he laughs, again, it's empty air. He can feel tears welling up in his eyes and he blinks them back. And Luffy looks back at him, brows furrowed. He looks worried and that's the last thing he wants to see.

"Sorry, I just... It pissed me off. Seeing them. They were supposed to be my friends, you know? But things happened and they just... left me. I wasn't worth their time and I had done nothing but invest mine in them." He says and it's been so long since, he thought he was over it. Apparently not.

"And once one of them turned, the others did too. It wasn't just some let's not talk to Law anymore thing, it was more... _'Let's break Law, physically and mentally. Until he can't talk to us, to anyone'._ That kind of thing." He says and he has to pause again, because the damn thought of it makes him sick to his stomach, he could puke. He looks at Luffy and he's kind of shocked he hasn't busted through and said shit randomly while he's talking. And Luffy's eyes scream _'what'd they do to you?' _but he's not about to get into that. Not now, hopefully not ever.

"So uh, yeah. That's it, I guess. I'm sorry I took it out on you. You didn't do anything bad or wrong or whatever, I'm just fucked up. Really, _really_ fucked up. And I get angry really quick, like instantaneously. I'm sorry." He finishes up and he feels like he can't breathe. He's suffocating.

"I understand." Is all Luffy says and Law just looks back at him wondering what the hell that's supposed to mean, because fuck it doesn't make sense to him. He understands what?

"I understand that you're making the effort, to tell me. Thank you." He says with a smile, and Law's dumbfounded. He's thanking him. For opening up, sort of.

"I can tell it's not all that easy for you. And I don't expect you to pour it all out to me over a cup of coffee. Really, trusting someone isn't easy." Luffy tells him and this is the same guy who'd dragged his ass to grab greek food all giddy and excited. The same guy who excitedly invited himself over to make some shitty brunch. Which wasn't all that shitty, but the point was that this side of Luffy was really surprising.

"Yeah." He agrees because it's true. It's so painfully true. "How are you not running away from me right now?" He asks honestly, because he just can't bring himself to believe that Luffy's able to understand and sit there calmly.

"Did you think I'd run away? You're funny; I told you I'd be here right? I wasn't lying." Luffy laughs and chugs down the rest of his drink.

"I suppose. Don't think that I trust you though; I mean I'm grateful- even more than you can imagine you're even listening to me. But it doesn't mean-"

"I know. I think you'll come around though." Luffy says with a smile and Law laughs. An actual laugh though, one that sounds kind of hopeful. And for a second there's a faint shine of happiness in his eyes.

"I just figured I at the very least owed you." He says, trying to be modest. And it's the complete opposite of what he said before, but what the heck. What was having normal, balanced emotions anyways? He's watching Luffy, who seems happy as hell and it almost gives him some obligation to get better himself. He doesn't like that though; he doesn't want to be held accountable if he can't.

"If you owe me... you could buy me another drink. Mine's all done." Luffy says and Law enjoys the way he's able to brighten up the gloomy mood with just a simple phrase.

"Sure. Coffee?"

"Gross, that's disgusting." Luffy crinkles his nose and makes a displeased face. Law's mildly offended, he loves coffee.

"Tea then?"

"I'll take a hot chocolate." He says with a smile and Law's looking at him like he's a child. He gets up and walks over, ordering the younger boy the drink he asked for. It's the least he could do.

"Here."

"Oh, thank you!" Luffy's gleaming, and he takes the drink out of Law's hands, who sits back down and drinks his own, now cold coffee.

"No problem."

"Shall I tell you something in return?" Luffy asks, taking a sip and wincing at the hot beverage on his tongue. Law raises a brow back at him.

"What are you talking about? You don't need to tell me anything." Law says because he doesn't want to be someone who forces another to talk. He's not like that. But Luffy just raises a hand in front of his face to shut him up, and talks anyways.

"When my brother died a couple years ago, I was a mess. Like a real, fucking mess. I pulled away from everyone I knew, I just left them in the dust. I guess I'm really just as bad as your old friends huh?" Luffy says and Law's breath hitches. No, no. He's not.

"You know I didn't mean that-"

"I know, but I couldn't do it. I gave up. I felt alone. And for a long time I thought it was my fault he died, and that it'd have been better if it were me. He didn't deserve to die so young; he had his entire life ahead of him. I had to get slapped in the face a couple times- literally- before I came to my senses and figured he'd probably be really pissed off if he saw me like that." He laughs, taking another large gulp and Law's really not able to comprehend how it's so easy for Luffy.

"I thought you said your brother works at a bakery?" Law asks and he thinks he's a huge idiot because after all that all he's wondering is how his brother could be working at a bakery if he's dead.

"Oh he does! My _other _brother. I have- had two." Luffy says and Law looks at him and he knows the feeling of mixing up tenses all too well. It sucks.

"How can you be so trusting?" Law asks, he's not sure if he's interrupting, but he needs to know.

"Dunno! It's natural to me if that makes any sense? I believe people are naturally good. Things just happen and don't go their way that affect them negatively and you know, they become crappy." Luffy says, and Law's eyes widen in surprise. For a goofball, Luffy knows his stuff. The important stuff, at least.

"Then why do you trust me with something like that?" He asks. Because he's crappy.

"It's not that big of a deal. I learned from it. I think my life would be a lot worse right now if I didn't. Plus you're not crappy! I mean, you don't seem like a shitty person to me. You just feel shitty, because people have treated you like shit." Luffy finishes and smiles. He doesn't get what the smile is for, but he tries to give one back. He kind of gets it now, but he's beginning to think Luffy's not as simple of a person as he thought. God only knows how his mind works, he doesn't want to.

"I should go now though, let you get back to your work." He tells Luffy, feeling bad that he's already taken up so much of his time.

"Actually, can you stay? I could use your help doing this paper. I mean if you know what the hell to do-"

"Be more specific." He says quickly, he doesn't really want to leave. He's enjoying listening to Luffy's odd speeches.

"It's on like um... molecules, cells, the shit cells are made up of that I can't remember." Luffy tells him and Law smiles. He actually smiles, teeth and all. Because it's been so long since anyone's talked to him about anything science related. He's intrigued.

"Molecules make up cells."

"Oh. So you do know?!" Luffy's face is glowing, literally. Like he's so happy, excited, that Law knows what the heck he's talking about.

"Yeah. What do you need?" He says and makes himself comfortable, for real this time, in his seat.

"Well my paper is on all that crap, how people are created or whatever. It's pissing me off, I don't even need science!"

Luffy digs in his bag, pulls out a crumpled paper and smooths it out a bit, hands it to Law.

"See!"

And Law reads the paper, it's not all that complicated. Well for him, he understands.

"You just need to write how the human body is created. Atoms to organ systems. Step by step, but in great detail. And it says you've got to put in some articles with proof of the processes. To you know, boost your work."

"Ugh, so much unnecessary work. Who cares!" Luffy groans and throws his head back in his seat and Law has got no clue how he even made it to university, but he'll let it pass.

"It also says its worth 15% of your grade, so I would think you do." He says and Luffy sits back up straight.

"Well yeah! I'm not going to _not_ do it, I just... don't want to." He pouts, like a child. And this side of Luffy isn't all that strange to him, for the short amount of time he's known him.

"Come on _princess_, you can do it." Law's actually not too annoyed by being asked for help. He likes it. He likes being helpful.

"You suck." Luffy pouts, but starts typing away anyways.

* * *

Law's the one reading through Luffy's large textbook, wondering why the hell he is anyway. He's practically doing all the work.

"Atoms?" Is all he hears and he looks up at Luffy who looks hopelessly confused.

"What about them?"

"No, I'm asking what they are." He says and Law laughs.

"Seriously?" He questions, because he can't really believe he's a university student who doesn't know what an atom is.

"Yeah come on! This paper isn't gonna write itself!" Luffy says, urging Law to give him an answer.

"You're not even writing it. I'm telling you everything." Law says and looks back down at the textbook he's found himself lost in.

"Remind me to thank you for that when we finish then!"

"We?" He asks, eyes darting up but his head is still held down.

"Yes we. Now come on come on come _on!_" Luffy's pestering couldn't be any more irritating. Actually, maybe it could. He doesn't want to know. He leans back in his chair and explains.

"Fine. An atom is the smallest possible piece of an element that has all the properties of said element."

"What...?" Luffy looks lost and Law sighs.

"Each atom is like a building block okay? If you put two hydrogen atoms together, you get a molecule. You'd write it like H2. If you add that molecule of hydrogen to an atom of oxygen, you create a molecule of water. You know, H2O? A molecule is a conglomerate of atoms. Get it?" He explains with one breath and Luffy's looking back at him, jaw dropped and brows furrowed.

"Um... no? A congla-what?" He says and tilts his head. He doesn't get it at all. Law sighs and looks back down at the book in front of him.

"Wait what the hell comes after atoms?" Luffy asks him and he doesn't even look up, just answers.

"Molecules. I just told you that."

"Then?"

"Cells."

"_Then_?" Luffy continues to ask and Law looks up and scoffs, then laughs a bit.

"You know you could read the textbook, it has everything you need. Or look it up."

"Who wants to read though? And you know more than this shitty website is showing me! You really don't go to school?" Luffy asks, thinking maybe Law's actually hiding that he's some brainiac.

"No. Dropped out second year. After cells are tissues by the way." He says, flipping the page. He's reading about ecosystems and such, boring garbage.

"Oh, thanks." He's typing away when he asks, "Why'd you drop out?"

"Long story." Law says. Not really, he could shorten it. He just doesn't want to talk about it.

"I have time!" Luffy says, looking up at him, smiling, teeth and all.

"If you finish it and get at least a 65% on it, I'll tell you." Law proposes, it's not a bad deal.

"What! It's two thousand words I have to get done that'll take me all day. Without getting distracted!"

"Then you'd better get typing."

"How about you tell me why you got those tattoos?" Luffy asks, hopeful it's an easier question. He's curious.

"How about you do your work?" Law lets out an exasperated sigh. Luffy's a handful.

"Fine. But I'll hold you to that 65%!" He beams and goes back to typing, Law watching him then smiling.

"Yeah, I know you will." He says and sees Luffy smile back at him.

The silence surrounding them is fine to Law, he enjoys it. Savours it really, the comfortable silence that's only disturbed by Luffy's untimely typing and the sounds of chatter from others in the cafe. Law's eyes dart around, and he bites his lip in an attempt to hide his smile.

He'd forgotten what good days felt like until now.


	5. Panic

**A/N: **I've noticed updating on an early Friday morning has become kind of a thing? I think I'll keep that up, at least while I have the time to write as much as I do now. But on another note, I've gotten a quite a few questions about how I "came up" with Law's condition, and really it's all kind of a personal twist. Real life situations and such have influenced my writing for this story greatly so, yeah. That's how it is. If there's anything else you'd like me to answer I'd be glad to :) For now, enjoy this chapter, and I guess I'll see you all next Friday! ~S

**TRIGGER WARNINGS: **Depression, Anxiety, Panic attack.

* * *

It's 6:28am, and Law hasn't slept for the past... forty hours? It could be a Friday now, he's really clueless. He hasn't gone out, checked his phone, or even looked out the window. His senses have completely deluded, he's numb. Quite frankly he doesn't care, he can't bring himself to care.

But that night, he'd caved. He went down to one of the twenty-four hour convenience shops a few blocks down and bought himself a nice pack of cigarettes. Very nice, if he'd remembered to bring a lighter with him.

That was four hours ago. He's sitting on his bed, fiddling around with the plastic that the box is wrapped in, he's having doubts. And that should be good, right? That he's not as weak as he'd thought. That he's hasn't given in completely.

He doesn't know what sparks it. It's really just out of the blue. But he starts hyperventilating. Like he's being suffocated. And there's the moment he drops the pack of cigarettes to the floor, and he drops to his knees. He's struggling to breathe and there are monsters all around him. Monsters of the dark, the ones that consume him. But he fights it, or at least tries to. He doesn't give in, not right away.

But it's hard. It's so fucking hard. Law's trying his damned best, and it's not good enough. Nothing he does is good enough. It washes over him, all this fear, panic; he's stricken with terror. He's _scared._ And his heart aches and he wonders if maybe this time it's actually a heart attack, but his mind is too jumbled and the obvious lack of oxygen isn't helping his already clouded thinking. He's just on the floor, kicks his feet against ground so he can push himself into the corner of his room, where he's safest. Because now he can see everything that's going on around him. No sneak attacks, no being blind sighted. But he still can't breathe, and he thinks no, god please no, not again because every time this happens, he spirals back down into the sink hole.

"Go away." It comes out like a whisper but he really means to shout it. Can't, his voice is shaky. If anyone were to see or hear him now they'd agree, he looks scared shitless.

"Panic" comes from the ancient Greeks. It's told they have experienced overwhelming terror when they encountered Pan, their god of nature. Half man, half beast, Pan had a scream so intense that terrified travelers who happened upon him in the forest, they died from fear. It's how Law feels right now. He's a traveler, not in a forest, but more of in a sea of black. And it's so dark, cold, and lonesome. It's frightening. And that's how he feels. That he could die from fear.

It comes out of nowhere. He feels a tremendous wave of fear for no reason at all. His heart is pounding, his chest hurts, it aches, and it's getting harder to breathe with each passing second. He thinks he's really going to die. This is how he's going to go out, he's _really going to die. _He's rocking back and forth, but he doesn't feel it. It's his body moving on its own. All he's doing is trying desperately to get oxygen to his lungs, it's not working. Nothing he's doing is working. He's trying so hard and failing and it's all become such a weak attempt at keeping himself sane.

He thinks of what his psychiatrist would say. That bitch would tell him to relax, just chill out, and calm down. Easy to say. Hard to do.

He can't stand up, he can't move his arms, there's pain all over. He's stuck. His heart is freezing over, chills going down his spine, his nerves ice. Chained to where he sits. It feels like someone's squeezing the life out of him. He's in the palm of depression and it's closing in on him until he's nothing but a tiny ball of hurt.

He wants to run, to run for his life and never look back. To just, get out and get away. From his so called life, go somewhere else and start anew. He can't move.

Law's safe. He tells himself he's safe. He needs to breathe, he _has_ to breathe. He can't let it consume him, _he needs to breathe_. He'll be fine. He will. He will, he will, he will. He repeats it over and over in his mind, trying to calm himself down. He's okay, he'll be okay. Everything will be okay. It's just a panic attack; it's just a panic attack. He gets them all the time, he's not going to die, no one's choking him, no one's squeezing him, he's fine.

Except he's really not. There's hardly enough oxygen getting to his head for him to believe that. He wishes he could, he wishes he could make it all stop spinning and stop seeing spots and just breathe. He squeezes his eyes shut, taking in as much air as he can into his deprived lungs. Letting out as much as he can, until he feels empty. Repeat.

And then there's a sort of cool down period. Where he's just breathing heavily in order to keep himself from falling back into panic.

"Fuck," He mutters and he tries to get up, he's limp. He has no strength for anything. All he wants to do is sleep; he knows he won't get it though.

"Just great, just fucking great." He groans, tilts his head back and wipes off the sweat on his forehead with his arms. He feels gross, sweaty and sticky.

He's impatient, but he has to give it time. Crawling to the bathroom doesn't sound like a bad idea, but what'll he do when he gets there? Law's got about negative sixty two percent energy right now. Sixty four if he counts the fact he can't even lift the cigarette pack off the floor in front of him. His hands are still shaking so he stays put. Until the shaking, the heavy breathing, the fuzzy spots in his eyes stop. And until his heartbeat is regular, and not like it's about to erupt.

* * *

Law's standing out on his balcony, watching what little of the sunrise he can through buildings. His hair is soaking wet, dripping down onto the towel on his shoulders. The wind blowing through sends chills down his spine. He'll probably get sick like this, he thinks. Oh well.

He puts a cigarette between his dry lips, lights it and exhales. The amount of relief he feels with just that one breath is endless. Of course he thinks he's a big fucking idiot for doing it, caving. Falling to the crave. But who gives a damn?

He thinks the cool air blowing in the morning is invigorating. He can't remember the last time he'd felt so calm and at peace. Which in itself, is almost funny considering he was sure he was two minutes from his heart exploding earlier. He knows it's not going to be for long, but he'll enjoy it while he can. While it lasts. He'll soak up every last drop.

* * *

It's nearing noon when there's loud knocking at his door. He's finding it strange, that his door has been banged on more times in the past few days than it has in months. Maybe things are coming around, or maybe they're just building up to only come crashing down. He looks through the peephole, and all he can see is a big red '78%' and he thinks Luffy, and smiles. He opens the door, and instantly, Luffy's in his face.

"Hey-"

"Did ya see it? This _sucker_?" Luffy asks, shoving the paper into Law's hands. He's happy, Law's happy he's happy.

"I did." He says, still smiling at him and he feels proud of Luffy, the lazy butt who didn't want to do his paper. He'd only said 65%, and he'd gone and upstaged it all.

"I couldn't believe it! I walked into class and they were handing them back I almost shit my pants waiting!" Luffy says, walking in and being as overly gesticulative as possible, throwing his arms up in the air, ruffling up his hair like this had been super stressful for him, "I kept thinking what if I got a 64, or worse 64.5 and I was seriously about to crap, Law!"

"Do you have some kind of excretion problem?" He asks and he can't believe they're even having this conversation.

"No, ew! I poop just fine! I mean- I was scared I wouldn't do good enough!" Luffy tells him, really making himself at home, sitting his cheery ass down on Law's couch, Law walking to the kitchen. He remembers Luffy doesn't like coffee. Or tea. But he doesn't have any hot chocolate mix, he's not twelve. He thinks Luffy can settle for orange juice.

"Good enough for what?" He shouts a bit enough for Luffy to hear him over his own gawking at the paper.

"For you! Well, for you to tell me stuff!" Luffy shouts back and Law stops midway in pouring him a drink and just looks at him.

"You want to know that bad?"

"Well yeah! I want to know why someone as smart as you dropped out." He says, Law joining him on the couch and he hands him a glass full of orange, Luffy thanking him and drinking half of it in one go.

"You really don't waste any time do you?"

"No, I hate wasting time. Unless you think playing video games is a waste of time- which, let me tell you, it is not." Luffy huffs and Law smiles back at him, drinking his cup of coffee. Third cup. Luffy stares back at him, and he looks like he's about to spring up off the couch and attacks him with questions. But also looks like maybe he's waiting for Law to just get into it. He's too deprived to keep up.

"Uh well let's see. I was in my second year, your age. And I just couldn't take it for the most part. I loved my classes, but I had no motivation to do the work. I couldn't bring myself to." He says, and Luffy drinks his juice, puts down the empty cup and crosses his legs on the couch. He's way too at home.

"How come?"

"Er, things." He can't.

"What kind of things?"

"Personal issues mostly." He really can't. Can't say it. He doesn't want to be specific. He's not at that level of trust; he's already shocked with himself as it is that he's even talking to Luffy about it.

"Hmm. Why don't you go back now?" Luffy asks and he wonders the same thing all the time, but he knows why.

"Good question."

"You don't know?" Luffy asks, but he does. He knows it'll be the same, if not worse. He doesn't think he's gotten any better since dropping out, and that was the main goal. To get better.

"I do. I just can't answer."

"You can't answer huh... weird." Luffy hums and Law watches his facial expressions change at least three times in four seconds. Confusion, contemplation, acceptance.

"Is it?"

"Well to me, yeah. I always have an answer to everything even when I don't!" He says with a smile, then looks like he's in deep thought for a couple of seconds before opening up his mouth again. "If I guess can you tell me?" He says, and Law looks at him seriously. He'll never give up.

"Nope."

"Aw come on!" He groans and falls back onto the couch dramatically.

"I don't really think you want to know anyway. It's one of those things you pick and bug at to know, then when you do you're kind of... turned away. And you wish you didn't know anymore." He says and his voice is sad, his eyes are sad, but he's half smiling. Takes a sip of his coffee, and he's full smiling now. Make it convincing, he tells himself.

"I won't be turned away! You could tell me the grossest, most revolting thing. I wouldn't leave I already told you that." Luffy tells him. Persistent as fuck bastard, Law thinks.

"You did, yes. But you have to understand that I have enormous amounts of trouble believing that." He says and he feels like a broken record.

"Kinda hard when I don't know what the hell you're talking about." Luffy mumbles and pulls at his feet. He's got two different socks on, Law notices. One's striped, red and white. The other is all blue.

"You'll find a way."

Luffy groans and opens his mouth to say something else, but the loud growling coming from his stomach happens first and Law stares at him before chuckling to himself.

"Stop laughing! I haven't eaten in… two hours!" Luffy says and it's more of an estimate. He's kind of crappy with time too. Unfortunately for him, Law hasn't done any shopping yet, so all he's got is left overs Rocinante's brought over.

"You can order something." And he probably sounds like a huge ass for not offering him something, but he's seen Luffy eat before and there's no way he'll settle for what little he's got in his fridge.

"NO WAY! That'd take way too long!" He groans and then gets out of his seat quickly; he's got so much energy, "C'mon lets go get some lunch!" He exclaims and Law's face immediately goes blank.

"You're not dragging me out to eat twice. No."

"You don't have a choice! I'm hungry and you haven't told me everything I want to know so come on!" Luffy shouts, grabbing and pulling Law's hands to _try _to lift him off the couch.

"You're so annoying." Law grumbles, but allows himself to be pulled up and dragged towards the door. He thinks secretly, he likes being involuntarily dragged out of the house, just because he's getting _out of the house._

* * *

Of course, Luffy being Luffy wouldn't just drag him to some simple diner that'd be conveniently empty or at least much less crowded than the place he'd brought him to. It's not that he doesn't want to go out, it's just that when he does, he gets this overwhelming feeling of anxiety in the pit of his stomach that eats at him, bit by bit.

Though thankfully, Luffy picks the furthest corner inside the ridiculously fancy restaurant, that Law deems unnecessary for just lunch. The both of them not looking anywhere near dressed appropriately for the location either. They've both got ripped jeans on, while many of the others are at least dressed semi formal. He's got to thank the fact that it wasn't a place someone seated them at. Knowing his luck, he'd have ended up being put smack dab in the middle of everyone.

"You can sit on the comfy spot if you want!" Luffy tells him and he's confused for a second, before he realizes that on one side of the table is a chair while the other is as Luffy said, a comfy looking spot. So he nods, slides behind the table and sits down. And it doesn't take long before a tall female approaches their table, handing the two of them menus and such. And Law can't help but think Luffy's fucking nuts, because who goes to a restaurant that sells forty dollar steaks when you could get two for fifteen dollars at the local supermarket.

"They have the best steak here! You have to try it Law!" Luffy tells him, pointing at the picture on Law's menu, rather than his own, having to stretch in his seat to reach over the table.

"Uh, I'm not big on meat." Law says and shoos his hand away so he can flip the page.

"You... don't like _meat_?!" Luffy shouts and it's a bit too loud, but he's not all that surprised by that either. He's strangely used to it. Still, he rolls his eyes and sighs.

"I said I'm not big on it, not that I didn't like it."

"What's the difference?!" Luffy shouts, and he almost looks offended. That someone could say such a thing.

"Never mind. Who eats steak for lunch anyways?" He asks. It's a valid question.

"Well what the hell do you have? A _salad_?" Luffy asks back and Law thinks he's got a fair point. He just shrugs and Luffy laughs.

Law's stuck. He can't get over the way Luffy smiles and outstretches his hand, and refuses to take back. His eyes are quite black, the colour of coal. But there's nothing dark about him, at least nothing Law can read. And he considers himself as a pretty good judge of character. Reading people for the most part, comes easy to him.

But Luffy, he's almost too pure. It's frightening. He makes Law feel warm and relaxed. And for a split second he's not sitting in a restaurant, but he's sitting in front of a large bonfire. Watching the wood slowly burn to ash. The fire is Luffy, and it sparks every time he acts protective over Law. When he's calm, the fire dies down but it never goes out. It's always lit.

And Law's thinking of how ridiculously corny he sounds. Though he doesn't exactly care all that much, because he's comfortable. For the first time in a long time, he's not as anxious as he'd normally be eating out, or just out in general.

Law yawns, he's so fucking tired, god damn.

"Hey don't fall asleep before the food comes!" Luffy says and he looks back up. Coffee seems to have lost it's affect on him.

"I won't. I didn't even order-"

"I ordered for you while you were day dreaming! You can nap after, naps are the best." Luffy says and he's yawning now too. Law stares at him, wondering what the hell he should expect to show up on his plate.

"I'd nap six times a day if my brain would let me." Law gets out and Luffy purses his lips and it's pretty obvious he has no idea what to say to that. So Law just gives him a small smile.

"Stop pouting."

"I'm not pouting!" Luffy says and yawns again. At this rate Law thinks the two of them are going to fall asleep on the table before they even get a glass of water.

"Would you ever go back to school?" Luffy asks and it's more of a mumble but Law hears him, loud and clear. And he stops fidgeting to really think about it. He's had the idea before, but he's positive it'd be the same thing again. Just a big waste of money.

"I don't know. Maybe." He says, and the same lady from before places two tall glasses of water on their table and flashes Law a smile, much to Luffy's clear disapproval.

"You should! You're really smart, it wouldn't be hard for you to get back into it!" Luffy says and he makes it sound so easy.

"That's not really the problem." Law says, and Luffy hums while rubbing his chin like he's doing some hard thinking.

"Oh the no motivation thing right?" Luffy says, like he already knows. He's got it.

"Ah... no. Yeah. It's complicated." He says and it really isn't all that difficult to explain, it's just the process of explaining... the right words and actually getting them out of his mouth was the complicated part.

"You're not going to tell me how it's complicated, are you?" Luffy asks and Law feels somewhat bad, because there's Luffy. Sitting right in front of him, eager as hell to know more. To get to know him more. And he's just got some really shitty trust issues, and can't let anyone in. And the manipulative part in him wouldn't let them out once he has opened up anyway. He knows it'll end up bad, so he just sighs.

"Not now, no." He says and closes his mouth quickly after.

"But you will?" Luffy says and Law thinks shit, could he have given a worse answer? Probably, but this was pretty bad in itself too. He doesn't answer, just smiles and drinks his water. He thinks the smiles probably given Luffy a bit more hope along with his words and just, fucking shit.

Thankfully, as if on some miraculous cue, the waitress walks up to their table with two large plates of food in hand and puts them down in front of the two. Luffy says a loud ass thank you that Law follows up with a much quieter one, and he stares down to the plate that's got some crazy ass colours on it.

"Is this food or some kids attempt at painting?" Law asks and Luffy laughs.

"It's good! I can't remember the name but just try it!" Luffy says and Law looks down at his food, groans, and takes a bite. He really doesn't want to show it, but the way his eyes widened and Luffy's smile grew as if to say _'what'd I tell you?' _is enough.

He looks down at Luffy's plate and he doesn't have a steak exactly, but some barbecued slab of meat. Close enough.

"What?" Luffy asks and Law looks back up at him.

"Nothing." He says and again Luffy's smile grows wide. He cuts off a piece of his food and holds out his fork.

"Here here, I hate sharing my food but you have to try it." Luffy says and Law's got himself in the most compromised position Luffy's put him in to date. He stares at the fork, that's being wiggled up and down by Luffy who's obviously impatient, and not to mention oblivious. Does he really expect him to just be fed? He kisses his teeth and takes the fork out of Luffy's hand, putting the meat in his mouth, without letting his lips touch the metal and gives it back.

"Well?!" Luffy asks excitedly and Law just hums.

"It's good-"

"I told you!" Luffy shouts and he looks so proud of himself, for what though? Getting him to eat a piece of meat? It's way too easy to satisfy him.

"You tell me a lot of things." Law mumbles and continues to eat his own food. He has to wonder if Luffy's got the know how on best places to eat in the city. He should become a professional food taster by the way he enjoys eating.

"And aren't I always right?" Luffy says while chewing on his food. Maybe not a professional, considering he's got zero table manners.

"Usually." Law says and Luffy smiles back at him.

* * *

Law's made up some excuse. That he's got to meet a friend in order to leave Luffy. And it's kind of ironic, because really, Luffy's the only "friend" he's got. He wasn't having a bad time, but he knows he'll never hear the end of it if he misses his session. So he's sitting in the fancy waiting room, staring at the aquarium in the wall. Trying to look through the water and all he sees is other patients.

He wonders for a second what each of them have. What they're there for. Were they like him? Worse? Better? If they're better, he really wants to ask how. How they're better. He's got no time, his name is called out and he gets up, walking lazily to the room which he notices through tired eyes, has had some redecorating. He prefers this to the old design. It's much more calming, less intimidating. Now he doesn't feel like he's really sitting in a psychiatrist's office.

"How are you today, Law?" She asks as he sits down on the much longer cushion seat that's replaced the old one.

"Shitty."

"How come?" She asks, fiddling around the desk behind her, grabbing her notebook and pen to come sit in front of him, smiling.

"I'm tired. Cranky I guess."

"You haven't slept?"

"No not for a while now. Longest I've gone in some time." He tells her, then yawns. Maybe the calming room will put him to sleep. That or his psychiatrist's endless questions.

"How long exactly?"

"I lost track, maybe two and a half days? Could be less." He says, really he has no idea. He yawns again.

"Was there anything keeping you up? Something on your mind maybe?"

"I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes. I gave into it. Not at first, I- I didn't have a choice though- I just randomly started having another panic attack and I was so scared I didn't know what to do, and after it was over I just needed to feel the relief." He says all in one breath and he's exhausted. Talking feels like a chore to him, so does existing.

"Tell me what happened before you became panicked."

"Nothing! I was just standing in my room, thinking about how nice it'd be to smoke, fiddling around with the box and it just... happened."

"Perhaps the anxiety of getting back into a bad habit sparked something?" She asks and he thinks maybe. He'd never have thought of it, he just considered it random. Routinely random.

"I mean, maybe? I'm not entirely sure."

"How did you feel during it? If you can remember."

"I don't know how it's possible to forget. A feeling like that I couldn't shake it for the rest of the morning. I was dying, I was seriously dying. I couldn't breathe and my heart was racing so fast I was afraid it was going to up and leave." He says and he starts pinching at his skin. Another bad habit. His hands are almost always bruised with how hard he holds his skin between his nails.

"Did you feel any fear? Terror?"

"Yeah I... I did."

"Anything come up during it?"

"No, it was just really random this time, I think. Are you sure that what you gave me actually works?" He asks, really doubtful now.

"It can take four to six weeks for you to feel the effects."

Of course it did, nothing ever came easy.

* * *

If his day were to have started at 11, Law would consider today not so bad. He's actually been productive, gone out and bought groceries, and replacement plates for the ones he broke. He thinks he really needs to stop taking his anger out on fine dining, but that's better than on himself or worse, on someone else.

Law feels fine. It's a strange feeling, he's not sad, he's not mad; he's just there. Hovering on a cloud in the middle, and he's trying to fly a bit higher. It's a bit cloudy past where he is. He's fine where he's at for now. It's tolerable.

He hasn't lashed out at anyone. He doesn't feel anxious. Today is an okay day.

While now he's trying to think of a way to kill time since he's near positive he won't be able to sleep unless he ups his dosage, he's stuck. He has a smoke on the way home, it's relaxing. So much so, that he has another. He's making up for lost time.

Law makes it back to his place, dropping off his purchases. Putting all the food in the fridge, plates in the cabinets and he stands in the kitchen. Looking around and thinks damn it's a mess. So he cleans, and he'll be damned because this is the most productive he's been in…. way too long. A smile even manages to creep its way onto his face. And it's because he's _cleaning, _of all things.

Once he's done he's sighs, in content. He's proud of himself, and he can't stop saying that it's the first time in a long time he's felt like this, because, well it is. And he's just so overjoyed with the fact, he'll say it again.

Cleaning, shopping, to him, they're big things. So he writes it down, sitting on the couch, just scribbling down how he feels, what he's done. It's messy, almost unreadable, but he knows what he's saying and he chews on the tip of the pen, looking down and he's quite satisfied. The fact it's only nearing four thirty makes him all the more fulfilled.

_Restless nights have turned into a special place,_

_Moments without a beginning or start._

_Nostalgia oozes out of my skin, _

_Every cold sweat a work of art._

_When the pillow accepts your temple,_

_And your body is fooled by the illusion of rest,_

_The mind wanders aimlessly,_

_As a burning anxiousness build's in your chest._

_The heavy burdens of what wasn't said,_

_The torments of the cold side of the bed._

_If you asked me where my dreams are,_

_I'll let you in on my nightmares instead._

_They're all dead._

It's kind of depressing, what he's writing. But it's all that comes to mind, and he thinks back to the time his psychiatrist told him it was a good idea if he'd write out what he was feeling, in any form. Notes, poems, just drabbles. Anything to get his feelings off his chest.

Who knew he could be such a poet. He leans his head back, hanging off the couch, playing around with the pen between his teeth. And he can see a shadow approach the door, then there's knocking. Again. He knows it's not Luffy, he knocks all too hard and fast. This was simpler, classic three knocks. Part of him doesn't want to get up because he's doing so well. He's getting some really good shit down.

Now he hears an annoying 'yoo-hoo!' coming from behind the door. Rocinante.

"You have the key, you know." He yells and then he hears keys jingling. He'd forgotten. Law's all too comfy in his spot to move. Rocinante enters with a loud slam of the door.

"You know, Law, you could have just saved me the time by getting up and greeting me!" Rocinante grumbles as he walks in, kicking off his shoes and throwing his jacket onto the coat rack.

"I could have, but I'm comfortable." Law says and Rocinante grunts back.

"Oh? Well excuse me then princess, my apologies." Rocinante spits and walks towards him, Law smiling with his head still hanging over the arm of his couch, blood rushing to his head.

"Don't do that you look like a tomato." Rocinante says and comes close enough for Law to think he's actually going to knee him in the face, so he sits up straight.

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh dear Law, I came to check up on you. How are you?" He asks and shoves Law's legs off the couch so he can sit down. Law looking back at him displeased, he really was comfy.

"I'm fine."

"Oh. Oh! That's wonderful!" Rocinante says and Law smiles back at him. He's fine.

"Did you go today?" The older man asks, he usually only sends a text asking.

"Yeah, I didn't really want to, but I knew you'd never shut the hell up if you got a call saying I didn't go or skipped or whatever." He says, scribbling into his notebook while exchanging eye contact with the older man.

"Damn right I wouldn't! It's important kiddo." He says and Law just scoffs.

"You know, I was looking something up the other day. Shit said if you exercise it's almost like a natural remedy for depression!" Rocinante says and he looks so happy, as if he'd found the cure for cancer. Or solved the problem behind world hunger. "Well maybe not _remedy _exactly, but-"

"You can't be serious." Law says and Rocinante just grins back.

"But I am my dear Law. What are you in to? Running? Biking? Hiking?" Rocinante asks and Law just rolls his eyes.

"None of the above."

"How about boxing?" Rocinante suggests, and Law can oblige. If Rocinante's the punching bag.

"Oh I'll box _something. _You think if I do a couple of lunges and a squat or two I'll be magically cured?" He asks all snide and sassy, because really he knows Rocinante has nothing but the best intentions, but this was just… crazy.

"Don't be such a brat!"

"I'm not-"

"How about what you eat and drink?" Rocinante asks again not really giving him a chance to rebuttal that he is, in fact _not _a brat, and Law looks back up at him.

"What about it?" He questions. It's not like he eats all that much anyways.

"Well it said coffee and alcohol makes shit worse pretty much-"

"No." He says, stopping Rocinante right there because he knows what's going to come out of his mouth.

"I haven't even finished!" Rocinante spits back and Law stares at him seriously. He's not an idiot.

"You're going to tell me to cut them out of my diet right?" He says and Rocinante's jaw drops. Like shit, he'd caught him now. Law figures as much, and looks back down at his notebook to excuse himself from making eye contact with Rocinante.

"If you know that much why haven't you done it already?!" The older man asks him and the answer is quite simple, really.

"Because I _need_ my coffee."

"If you can quit smoking you can quit coffee, kiddo." Rocinante says but the expression on Law's face is the biggest give away. He's usually composed, but Rocinante just catches him each and every time he tries to remain calm, his eyes dart to the table in front of the couch and then back to his notebook. Mentally repeating 'shit' because he's just given himself away. Surprised the smell hasn't already.

Rocinante notices the opened cigarette pack on the coffee table in front of him, reaching over to grab it.

"Don't call me that, I'm not a kid." Law says, still looking down.

"I beg to differ, sometimes you can act like a spoiled twelve year old." Rocinante tells him, checking how many cigarettes are missing. Six.

"I don't."

"You do. You're just saying you don't because you know you do and you're embarrassed. Care to tell me what this is?" He asks, shoving the pack in Law's face. He grabs it out of his hand.

"Shut up, what does it look like? Did you just come here to taunt me?" Law spits and shoves it behind his back.

"I already told you I came to check up on you. You started smoking again?" Rocinante asks, but he's not one to talk.

"Yeah." He admits, feeling defeated. His lips pout a bit.

"How come?" Rocinante asks again as if he thinks Law's got all the answers in the world. He doesn't know, he just did. He needed it.

"I didn't know what to do." Law says, putting down his pen and tracing over his bottom lip with his index finger. Eyes looking everywhere but directly at Rocinante, like he feels guilty of it.

"Hmm. Okay come on, let's go out." Rocinante says, standing up and almost tripping over his own two feet.

"Where are we going to go? The fucking park?" Law says, putting his feet back up on the couch, not complying with Rocinante's obviously shitty idea. He's fine where he is.

"Wonderful idea, let's go on a walk. Fresh air is good!" He shouts, grabbing Law's ankles and pulling him off the couch.

"What the hell- Stop! I was just outside-" He shouts, falling off the couch and onto the cold hardwood floor under him. Damn Roci.

"Get up Law." He practically demands, looking down at Law who's just sitting on the floor looking back up at the tall blond who's not about to take no for an answer. It reminds him of Luffy, they're both so stubborn.

* * *

They're walking side by side, both with a cigarette in between their lips, exhaling into the cold. It's a mix of smoke and carbon dioxide mixed with moisture, breath in the air. They're not speaking, just walking. It's calming, and Law thinks maybe he'll take more walks like this.

Maybe.

A ball comes their way, hits Rocinante's leg and there are children calling out for it, to kick it back. He does. And now he's spouting some nonsense to the kids, about watching where they kick the ball, Law knows he's joking around. He smiles. Exhales.

"Remember when you used to play ball like that?" Rocinante asks, throwing the butt of his cigarette on the floor, stepping on it to put it out.

"Hardly. That was years ago."

"Seems like it was just yesterday." Rocinante says and he wipes away a non-existent tear. He's so dramatic, Law thinks, but he laughs anyway. Talking with him always manages to calm him, soothe the pain a bit.

Kind of like a vapor rub. Rocinante's his strange and annoying, vapor rub.


	6. Sanctuary

**A/N: **Well, well, well, here I am, back with another chapter as promised. I don't have much to say about it or whatever, though I think this is the longest one I've written in a while, so I'll just let you get on with reading. Enjoy and please please leave me your feedback I'd really appreciate knowing what you guys think! ~S

**TRIGGER WARNINGS: **Mentions of self harm.

* * *

"Hey, Law!" He hears and turns around. It's Lamie. She's sitting at the docks, kicking her feet grazing over the water. He walks over and joins her. Plops himself down on the slowly rotting wood that really could give way at any time.

"Hey." He says with a genuine smile. He's happy to see her.

"You seem different." She says and he doesn't understand what his sister means. But smiles anyway. Because he does feel kind of different.

"Do I?" He asks though he's pretty aware of the answer.

"Yeah, but you smell gross. Cigarettes again?" She asks and he frowns a bit but laughs. Because she's just being Lamie, and he's missed her being funny and joking around with him instead of lashing out at him like a monster.

"Yeah. Sorry I-"

"Hey no don't apologize! Just take a shower!" She laughs and holds her nose as if a skunk had sprayed him, but he loves her humor. He loves her.

"At least you look kind of you know... not shitty." She says and he chokes on his own spit. Well that's one way to put it.

"How so?"

"Dunno. You're smiling, if that helps!"

"Huh." Yeah he is, and he's been smiling since the second he saw her. The smell of the sea is relaxing and he likes it like this. Seagulls squawking and the sound of the waves crashing. Her laughter too, it's nice.

"You'll get better you know that right?" She asks and he laughs. _Sure, _he thinks.

"You sound so sure." He says and she stares at him then curls her lips up into a large smile.

"I am. I know it, you'll get better." She says with such confidence that for a second, even Law has hope.

* * *

"Wakey wakey!" Is all Law hears and he's being shaken by some obvious asshole who has zero consideration for his sleep. He groans and digs his head into his pillow.

"What the hell?!" He shouts, pissed when he feels his covers ripped off and thrown onto the floor by Rocinante. What a pain in the ass.

"It's three in the afternoon! Get your ass up!" He shouts into his ear and Law's surprised. It's the middle of the afternoon?

"What? I only fell asleep like... two hours ago..." He says because that's how it feels. He blinks a couple times, rubs his eyes hard to get rid of that burning feeling before Rocinante slaps his shoulder.

"Don't you know rubbing your eyes is bad for you?" He says and begins to walk towards the door, only to trip over the same duvet he'd thrown onto the floor.

"That's what you get." He says and stretches. He hasn't felt this somewhat well rested in a while. There's the gross metallic taste in his mouth again and he lets out another throaty groan, because this is becoming a very annoying, and not to mention gross, habit.

"Shut up!" He shouts and Law just laughs at his stupidity.

"Why'd you wake me up? Was I supposed to do something today?" Law asks. He has no idea.

"How should I know do I look like your personal assistant?" Rocinante says and walks out the door, leaving Law with no real choice but to follow him.

"So then why?" He asks with a yawn and rubs his face, trying to wake himself up. He needs to shower maybe. A cold shower.

"Because you'll screw your schedule up if you sleep in until eight at night." Rocinante says and he's got a point. He's always got a point.

"It's already screwed up." He says and goes to make himself coffee, to at least stop his yawning but Rocinante beats him there first.

"No coffee! What'd I say?!" He shouts and Law didn't think he was all that serious about it. Damn him.

"What the hell am I supposed to drink then?" He asks. Hates that Rocinante's there and if he could he'd chug the entire pot of coffee, just to piss him off. But Rocinante's guarding it like a soldier.

"I bought you almond milk-" Rocinante says, pointing to the fridge and walks over happily taking out a carton of well, nut milk. Pretty much. Shaking it in front of Law's face, much to his own distaste.

"That sounds fucking disgusting." He says, looking at the discoloured milk being poured into a cup. He'd rather have his purely grind black coffee. Looks like he's sulking and Rocinante tells him to stop, to act his age, not like the twelve year old he pretends to be.

"It's healthy! You have to be healthy, Law." Rocinante says, wiggling his eyebrows and nudging him to drink the full cup and god, Law thinks this can't look anymore displeasing than it does. He drinks it anyways. Makes sure to scrunch up his face overly so, to make sure Rocinante gets the point. That it's gross.

"I even got you _fruit! _Look see," Rocinante goes on as Law watches him take out bags of apples and peaches, plastic boxes of raspberries and strawberries and he wonders what shady grocery store he got them from, considering it's the middle of November, "Isn't this great?" He asks with a smile and Law groans.

"Terrific." He responds, but pushes his chair back and heads straight for the bathroom.

"Stop being such a baby." He hears and eyes the older man. He walks past him, mumbling he's going to shower and Rocinante says something about making him a considerably late breakfast, but he's already down the hall and locking the bathroom door.

* * *

Law's definitely awake now, and as he pulls his sweater over his head he hears faint chatter coming from beyond the door. He thinks Rocinante must still be there and got bored, maybe switched on the TV and is watching some boring ass show. Never listening to his recommendations to watch criminal shows. Those are the best.

But he's not. He's sitting on the couch, having a good old conversation with Luffy, as if they'd been friends forever and it wasn't all that weird that Rocinante had just let him in while he was in the shower.

"What the fuck?" He says, making himself noticed, standing in the middle of the living room, hair dripping onto the towel on his shoulders. Luffy smiles at him, looks like he's about to say something but Law really doesn't want to hear it. Not that Rocinante is about to let him speak anyways.

"Oh Law! You didn't tell me you made a friend!" Rocinante shouts and he's got a big smile on his face as if he was one who'd been friends with Luffy for years, and they'd just been reunited. Luffy's still smiling next to him, waving. He ignores Rocinante and addresses Luffy, because why the fuck is he here again anyways?

"What are you doing here?" And it comes out kind of offensive, but Luffy doesn't notice all that much.

"I tried to come in the morning but no one was answering so I figured you were out or something!" He starts and that's sort of the case. He was out, out cold. Sleeping.

"So I came back after my classes and Roci answered the door, said you were in the shower!"

"Roci?" He questions the nickname, only for the fact it reminds him of when he was younger. He'd only ever address Rocinante by Roci.

"Yeah he told me to call him that!" Luffy says smiling and Rocinante nods his head.

"I did. Don't pout, Law." He says, and Law's taken aback, he's not pouting. Is he? Shit.

"I'm not pouting- why'd you come by in the first place?" He says, looking back at Luffy and it's kind of an awkward conversation. Mostly because Luffy and Rocinante are looking ridiculously comfortable on his couch, while he stands in the middle of the living room. Like it isn't his own place and Luffy and Rocinante aren't the ones intruding. First waking him up, then having a jolly good time on his couch.

"Brunch? Hello, keep up Law." Luffy says as if he was supposed to know, like they'd made up some schedule. They didn't.

"He does tend to zone out sometimes doesn't he?" Rocinante says, looking at Luffy and the younger nods then shakes his head as if he can't believe Law's "forgotten".

"Yeah! Are you here or aren't you?" Luffy says and Law just glares at the two of them. They're much too alike. Being around just one of them was enough to drive him crazy, but both at the same time? He was surely not mentally prepared for the amount of shitty jokes that was without a doubt about to come pouring out of their mouths.

He doesn't say anything. Just keeps staring at the two of them who stare at him back. Like some awkward staring competition.

"Well _anyways,_ since you missed brunch, I brought linner!" Luffy says and Law's so fucking confused.

"What the fuck is _linner_?" He asks and Luffy looks at him again, with a face that screams _'I'm offended'_.

"Lunch and dinner, linner!" Luffy says and points to his kitchen, where again there are paper bags stacked up and he thinks of Luffy like his own personal chef of sorts. But he can't cook all that well, or at all he guesses, so maybe his own caterer.

"Even I know that, Law." Rocinante adds, and Law glares at the two of them again before Luffy jumps up and pushes him to the kitchen, eager to eat. He's a bit surprised he hadn't eaten while he was in the shower.

"Is this going to be a regular thing?" He asks as soon as Luffy's satisfied with how far into the kitchen he's shoved him and he hears him laugh.

"Hmm... yeah! Sabo is out working all the damn time, eating alone is so crappy." Luffy says and Law nods but wonders.

"Who's Sabo?" He asks, keeps it subtle. Like he's not really jealous of whoever the guy is, like he's not bothered.

"My big bro! Here!" Luffy says with a smile that could send him into cardiac arrest, all while handing Law packaged meat. And spices. All he needs is a hat and he could pass for an amateur chef.

"Do you even know what you're doing?" He asks, and assumes the answers no. He didn't trust Luffy to make simple strips of bacon, so all this... there was no way.

"Not a clue! Roci said you can cook _really _good though so I trust you!" Luffy says and Law can see Rocinante smiling from the couch and just rolls his eyes. Doesn't let it get to him. But he'll cook the damn meat if it'll shut him up for a bit. But as he's seen before, he doesn't exactly stay quiet, even if there's food in his mouth.

But if it makes Luffy happy, then so be it.

* * *

It's been a couple of hours since Luffy and Rocinante left, the lively feel of his home died down to zero. So he's sitting on the couch, doodling into his notebook all the while enjoying a large glass of whiskey. And damn he thinks he's such a fucking idiot, because he doesn't need to drink. He doesn't feel as though he needs to. And he knows he shouldn't be. But it's numbing the bitter loneliness so why not.

There's the grown habit of Luffy's special way of knocking on his door heard loud and he turns his head. Cocking it to the side.

He's at his door. Again. He's over so much it's beginning to seem like he lives with Law. He's not exactly drunk _yet_, still doesn't have a clue as to why he's over. But he swings the door wide open, glass of whiskey in hand, and makes a motion that's all _why do come in._

"You smell like alcohol." Luffy says, and Law's shirtless, the big heart tattoo on his chest staring back at him in the face. And for someone with such skinny limbs he's a bit shocked when he realizes Law's not all that lanky, he's pretty toned. He thinks the tattoo suits him kind of, takes a few seconds to admire it.

"What'd you think this was apple juice?" Law says, closing the door and swishing the liquid in his glass around.

"Well, I forgot my phone here so, can I just dig in your couch?"

"If you want." He groans and walks to the kitchen, pouring himself a refill. Well deserved, he thinks. He hasn't done anything particularly bad to himself. Unless him drinking counts, because that could be potentially lethal.

"Oh where are my manners, would you like to join me?" Law asks him, leaning over the counter while Luffy's digging through his couch cushions and emerges with his phone.

"Sure." He accepts and Law's all for it, pouring him a drink in a second glass and sliding it down the counter as if he's some skilled bartender.

"God that's strong." Luffy says, taking a large gulp then squeezing his eyes shut at the burn.

"That means I've got good shit. I don't half ass my liquor." Law says, walking with his glass and the bottle in hand and he plops himself down on the couch, Luffy sitting next to him.

"Ya know earlier, you didn't tell me. 'Bout those. I didn't even know you had that huge one." Luffy points at Law's hands and chest, meaning the tattoos.

"Oh. Nothing to them really, death is death."

"Yeah but why'd you get em'?"

"Because I really want to die." He says and Luffy looks back at him, squinting his eyes and he can't tell if he's serious or joking around. Until Law lets out a loud laugh. "Why do you look so serious?"

"That sucks." Luffy says, he knows it's not the best but he's so taken back he doesn't know what else to say. He doesn't know how to deal or act in situations like this. And Law looks down. It does suck.

"I don't want you to die." Luffy tells him and he looks as sad as a kid who just witnessed his puppy get run over.

"Isn't that sweet." Law mocks, rolls his eyes and finishes the rest of his drink.

"How come you wanna go?"

"Because."

"Cause what?"

"Because I don't see my life getting any easier."

"What's so hard?"

"Everything. Living. Breathing. It's all hard."

"Maybe you need to get away. Go on vacation." Luffy suggests with a visibly forced smile and Law returns the gesture.

"Yeah, maybe the plane will crash with me in it too."

/

Luffy notices gashes, cuts on Law's wrists. Suddenly some things make sense to him. And he knows it's probably the rudest thing in the world to stare, but he can't avert his eyes.

"I hate myself for being so weak that I let certain reasons get to me and I did it." Law tells him, because it looks like Luffy wants to ask. Why he did it. It took about four seconds for him to feel like Luffy's eyes were burning into his scabs.

"I've was able to keep my composure for a few months, but certain things made me feel so fucking low and worthless. I let it get to me that badly that I felt I deserved to do it." He continues and watches Luffy nod his head to every word he says, every sentence he finishes. He's got no idea where it's all coming from. Words are just spewing out and he regrets drinking only for the annoying saying that a drunk's words are a sober minds thoughts. He'd never say any of this if he were.

"Do you still feel like that?" Luffy asks, and he can tell he's hesitating. That's a first, so Law hums.

"I always feel stupid when I look back at them while they heal. I think I wanted to believe that during that time I didn't do anything to myself, I became a stronger person. More wise and open minded and I knew how to handle things like that and I was proud of myself for that." Law admits and he doesn't believe that this good feeling is from him saying it all out loud to someone who isn't in charge of his medication. Which he really, should be taking properly and not drink with. He'll do it tomorrow.

"But...?" Luffy says, because it really sounds like there's a but. There should be one.

"But I guess I wasn't nearly as strong as I thought and was probably trying to keep it together to prove to people around me. That I was okay and that I didn't need anyone to help me professionally." He finishes, along with the rest of his drink and exhales at the burn.

"If you choose to sit and wallow in self pity and stay stuck thinking about what ifs you're not going to get anywhere." Luffy tells him and finally, Law thinks, something smart comes out of his mouth. It's out of character for him. But maybe there's a wise man under that childish cover up. He's almost preaching to him. But even so, his chest aches.

"It hurts." Law whimpers and he feels like he could cry. He's crumbling apart right in front of Luffy, he'd never meant to spill his heart out this much. Maybe a little, but damn, not this much.

"That isn't something strange, we're human of course shit hurts. We feel disappointed and hurt when the people we love abandon us in our time of need but what can we do? You have to be strong for yourself and learn to live without the people that hurt you so badly! I know you can do it. The fact you're still sitting here in front of me tells me that!" Luffy says with a big smile like his words are the easy cure to everything. Law appreciates it. He really does. It's been so damn long since someone other that his psychiatrist and Rocinante sat in front of him saying shit like that. The fact it's Luffy too. But it's still not enough.

"You might be considered an adult in the eyes of the law, but _god, _you're such a child."

/

It's how it all starts is what's really funny. He calls Luffy a child, and Luffy says he's not. So Law calls him out on it says he has no sense of realism and is just living life like a child with no care in the world. Tells him he's got no part in trying to mend together someone who's got nothing to fix. Someone who's just _empty. _Luffy doesn't buy it. Says he's not, says he's just locked away all there is to him because he's scared.

Luffy says he wants to be the one to make Law feel like he has a heart and he's not just some big empty shell. Because he's not. But Law calls him out on his bluff, says he's only saying it for his own gain and Luffy's pissed he'd even think let alone say something like that. Doesn't get mad physically, tries to keep his facial expression subtle, says he'll make Law feel he swears by it.

And then they're locking lips and the key is nowhere to be found and neither of them are particularly interested in finding it either.

It's funny how things work sometimes. Or so Law thinks. The whole situation going on now is mildly amusing, even for his very judgmental taste. He's not entirely sure how or why what's happening started happening. Maybe he's just looking for comfort. And Luffy's the only one available, so why not. Take it upon himself, to take the comfort he wants- he needs, from Luffy. Who seems, just as eager to give it to him. To be the one to comfort him. He doesn't mind. He'll gladly take what he can get.

Neither of them are all that drunk. Intoxicated to a certain point, yes. They wouldn't be able to drive. But not to the point where they're only acting on the depressant. They know full well what they're doing. Neither of them has lost all sense, they're still relatively coherent. But mostly lost in each other, Law looking for some sort of sanctuary, Luffy being the literal asylum that'll keep him from harms way.

And even so, they walk into the bedroom rather hastily, and Law pushes Luffy against the door, pinning his wrists against the sides of his head. Cocking his head to the side, he's almost trying analyzing him, but the drunk part of him is saying no, just let whatever happen, happen. But he persists, tries to figure out just what it is Luffy's after. What he wants from him. It's too silent, minus the heavy breathing coming from the two of them. Luffy stares at him with a fierce gaze, which Law matches back, and hold their positions for a few seconds of silence and intensity that Law thinks has got to be the most anxiety ridden few seconds of his life, before Luffy only smiles, whispers a _'kiss me' _and Law doesn't need any further instructions.

It's not the smartest thing to be doing. Law knows it and Luffy knows it but neither of them are going to act on the little voice saying 'stop', instead they go by the voice that encourages this. The one that presses them closer together telling Law he needs this, telling Luffy he wants to be the one to give this to him.

Neither of them are thinking clearly and that's not really a first for either of them either, and life's too full of shit for Law to care and too full of missed chances if one doesn't seize the opportunity to walk down the yellow brick road and through the big door that holds something great beyond it. For Luffy that's Law, and for Law it's Luffy.

Law wants nothing but to please him to be the one who keeps that beautiful smile of his plastered on his face and the one who brings out the erotic face he finds himself in awe at now and Luffy wants to be the one for Law.

Just the one. His rock, his shoulder, all of it.

Thinks law deserves it and he cares so fucking much that he wants to be that person for law. Needs to be that person, in his own selfish way. But it's not just about Law; it's about him too. He wants this just as bad, has wanted it for a while now. Will always want this from Law because he's who he is to Luffy and that is important. He's special, he's one of a kind, he's Law. And Luffy thinks it's no time to get sentimental even though he'll never say it out loud now, neither of them will. Laws too busy slipping his tongue into Luffy's mouth to pull back and say _'damn you for being like this for doing this to me_' and Luffy's in a different world loving every second his tongue dances with Law's to tell him how much he really means to him. How proud he is of him that he's still alive and how happy he is he'll continue to live.

"Law..." Luffy murmurs and it's almost like a whine. A plea. Law let's go of one of Luffy's wrists, bringing his hand to his neck. He could squeeze the life out of him in less than ten seconds, he thinks. Not that he's going to do it. Just that Luffy's so damned trusting, it frustrates him. The touch of Law's cold fingers makes Luffy shiver under him, squinting his eyes a bit but never breaking contact with Law's lust filled golden eyes. To him, his name has never sounded so erotic and needy. Like Law could jump Luffy right then and there, and he wouldn't care. He's all for it.

He hovers over Luffy and brings his face closer and closer at a painfully slow rate and Luffy can't take it. He's got to tippy toe, but he does it, taking hold of one side of Law's face with his free hand and eagerly kisses him, like he can't do anything else. Like he doesn't ever want to do anything else. At first, they're soft kisses on chapped lips. But they're not enough for Law. He presses his mouth onto Luffy's earnestly, and the younger boy under him moans into his mouth. They'd gone from soft kisses to fierce hungry ones in no time flat and neither one of them could muster up the need or want to complain.

"My my, you really know how to satisfy a man's needs." Law says and he can tell just by the way Luffy kisses he's not as inexperienced as he looks.

"What about my needs?"

Law brushes a finger over Luffy's bottom lip, "I'm sure I can amuse you," He teases. Looking down at him like he could devour him whole.

"Are you sure?" Luffy asks and he's just trying to get conformation really, that it's okay. That this is okay.

"Quite."

Law brings their lips back together, biting down hard on his bottom lip. Luffy slides his arms around Law's neck, pressing a hand to the back of head to bring them as close as they could possibly get. Law moves his hips against Luffy's, pushing him back against the door and wedges his leg between him, his thigh against Luffy's crotch.

And there's a slight chance, Law thinks, that he shouldn't be doing this. He shouldn't but he can't stop. It's foolish of him to continue, he's a fool. A big fucking fool. And he should stop. He can't. He isn't thinking clearly.

Luffy opens his mouth eagerly and desperately, allowing Law to slip his tongue inside. Luffy feels like he's melting every time the hot slick organs touch.

Luffy's shirt rides up as Law's hands travel, sliding over his abdomen and lightly tracing over his nipples and shoulder blades, making Luffy gasp at the touch. The cold room quickly heats up with every passing second.

It's a strange side to Luffy that Law can't help but want to see more of. Law feels like his skin is on fire, his whole body's burning against Luffy's. Sweating under the restraints known as clothing. He doesn't know if it's because of Luffy's lust filled voice, his hips aligned with his, or the fact he just really wants to feel. He craves it now.

"You're playing with fire…" He grumbles in a low voice. A warning really, the last straw before they can't go back. Because they could stop. And Law can put a few drunken kisses behind him. Anymore than that, he knows. It'll fuck with his head. He knows, but he has the same urge Luffy does, to keep going.

"Great, I love games..." Luffy whispers and raises his hips against Law's, initiating him to let go of the teen's wrists and cup the sides of his face. He brings them together, moans escape each of their lips into each other's mouths.

"Bed, bed," Luffy breathes out between dances of their tongues and biting at each others lips and Law complies, not letting his mouth go, kissing him while fumbling and tripping over each other until Law finds his back hitting the cool duvet, pulling Luffy on top of him with little to no effort.

Law knows it's bad. It's really bad. That since Luffy's so convinent to him, he'll wind up getting attached. Too attached. But he's in no mind to think; he can't think, with Luffy's eyes, pupils dilated, dark as coal, staring back into his own.

He's completely undone underneath Luffy who's straddling his waist on his bed. In his room. In his apartment. And he struggles to make sense of it while at the same time having all air sucked out of him. Both desperately grinding against each other, the barrier of clothing again, gets in the way. Luffy's hands entangle in Law's hair, Law's hands grip Luffy's hips. Law sees no need for Luffy's shirt that keeps him from reaching more skin. He pulls back to lift it over Luffy's head quickly, then their mouths connect again. They're like a couple of horny teenagers who ache for more friction.

They break apart, only to catch their breath, hot air hitting each other's faces. Law can't take past this; his burning desire to see the usually full of energy and loudly eccentric Luffy, at his mercy is off the charts. He pulls him down, kissing him hard over and over while his fingers trail down his abdomen to the button of his jeans and pops them open. Luffy lets out a sharp breath when Law starts palming him over his boxers, mouths still over each others.

Law's long fingers slide under his waistband, forming a fist around Luffy's throbbing erection. Almost instantly, Luffy lifts his hips a bit so Law can lower his pants and boxers far enough to pull his cock out completely. Law presses his own clothed erection against him, letting out a whine full of need and urgency.

"F-fuck Law," Luffy moans against Law's lips, thrusting his hips into the older man's hand. He drops his forehead to Law's bare shoulder, his own hands somehow finding their way to the hem of his pants and unties them hastily. Luffy's comparably small hands wrap around Law's cock, giving him an hard stroke and Law's so in deep.

"Shit," He groans against the pressure Luffy squeezes him with. He's enjoying this all too much.

Their mouths collide once more in a hot possessing way that drives Luffy to his own insanity. Making him moan in delight as their hips move against each other. Law nibbles at Luffy's bottom lip before swiping across with his tongue that Luffy begs to have tangle with his. As hard as he finds it, Law pulls his lips from Luffy's. Only to start kissing a trail down his jaw and neck, following up by nipping and sucking at his skin.

Luffy's pressing himself harder against Law. Feeling his impending orgasm approaching and moves even faster while panting against Law's ear. The only words either of them manages to get out are each other's names, a string of curse words, and calls to god. Luffy feels his own breathing become irregular and arduous, a part of him not really caring if he'll suffocate right now.

"Oh god, Law I-"

"Yeah, yeah come on," Law says and tightens his grip, moving his hand quicker and twisting with every pull.

The pleasures too great for Luffy to give a damn about anything other than getting off. He's so fucking close, right on the edge.

"Don't stop- god, I- don't stop!" He pants, barely making the words come out of his mouth as his orgasm takes over his entire lower half, making him shake under Law's hands. Coming on tattooed fingers. Law gives him a few more strokes, letting him ride out his orgasm while he pants into his collarbone. Breath so hot against Law's ear. Luffy's trying to catch his breath, breathing in and out from his mouth that he thinks might have spazzed and is stuck in an eternal jaw drop. It's not. His heartbeat slows down, back to regular and he pushes himself up, before moving to slide down.

"What exactly is it you think you're doing, Luffy?" Law whispers hoarsely, watching the teen go down and take hold of his still, very hard cock.

"Repaying the favor."

"That was no favor, I'll tell you now I thoroughly enjoyed myself. But, I'm also not one to reject such a… generous offer." He says, surprised he can even make out a proper sentence while gazing into Luffy's eyes. It's almost like Luffy can actually see into his soul and read every thought and desire he has within him with the level of intensity his eyes are giving off. He curls his finger, calling Lufy back, and Luffy does as he's asked, back up to meet him, face to face.

"How exactly do you plan on repaying me?" He whispers into his ear and Law's hot breath feels cold against Luffy's sweaty skin.

"Well I figured… you could do… whatever you wanted…" He whispers back, gasping between words as Law drags his tongue from his collarbone to the tender spot under Luffy's earlobe. He's good.

"Whatever I want huh? You're being awfully generous to someone who only gave you a handjob."

"I don't care… Just let me do it!" Luffy yells, not loud enough for anyone to hear him through the walls, but loud enough for Law to notice just how badly Luffy wants him. He can do that; comply with Luffy's needy demands. But he pushes him off, and Luffy almost whines. And he stands by the edge of the bed, pulling Luffy to him by his chin.

Luffy goes along with the unspoken command; after all he did say he could do whatever he wanted. He props himself on his knees and finds himself alternating between looking up at Law's sensual face and his cock. Law's nearly certain Luffy has no idea what he's about to do and assumes he's just going to tell him to suck him off, but that's not what he has in mind.

Law takes hold of Luffy's jaw and opens his mouth, a bit by force and there's a gleam of greed and hunger in his eyes.

"I don't think you have any idea how fucking hot you look right now Luffy. At my mercy."

Luffy licks his lips in anticipation and Law pushes himself into his mouth. Luffy lifts one of his hands to take hold of his shaft but Law's quick grip on his wrist stops him.

"Oh no, you get absolutely no say in this." He says with a grunt, and gives a sharp thrust into Luffy, pushing himself a bit further. Luffy lets him slowly push into his mouth while he swirls his tongue around the tip and grazes his teeth along his shaft. Law releasing a noticeable noise as he hovers over him, one hand tightly grabbing Luffy's hair and the other still holding his wrist.

Law's lips part before he brings his tongue out to lick them while he watches Luffy take him deeper into his mouth with every thrust. His breathing starts to happen in short intervals as the feeling of Luffy's tongue sliding under his shaft and dipping into the slit of his cock. As well as the occasional graze of his teeth, leaves him breathless.

Luffy takes short breaths in between Law's thrusts that now go as far as the back of his throat and start happening quicker, leaving him less time to take in the air he needs. His own chest feels like it's going to erupt due to lack of oxygen and the sound of Law's grunts above send him into a haze. He can feel his own cock hardening again, whining as Law fucks his face.

"So pretty..." Law gets out and he's not all that drunk anymore, or so he feels. At least not because of the alcohol. Luffy's more potent than any liquor.

Law changes the style of his thrusts from a mixture of slow deep thrusts to shallow jerky ones. He pushes himself further with each one, and he can feel himself touch the back of Luffy's throat. Law's going deeper than Luffy thought he would, making breathing a near impossible task. Law jerks into his mouth quicker, panting heavily, close to his climax.

"Fuck- you feel so fucking good Luffy," He grunts almost breathless and the grip he's got on the Luffy's wrist is tight enough to bruise. Luffy himself, really can't breathe, and just one look at Law panting above him makes him attempt to swallow back saliva and precum, reacting to his erotic expression.

"So close Luffy... be a good boy and swallow." Law says, and it sounds so seductive to Luffy. He can't think of anything but how impossible it is to swallow with a cock lodged in his throat. But also doesn't refuse as he hears Law's grunts grow louder. But the lack of air to his brain is also telling him to breathe, breathe before he passes out. Tears well up in his eyes at the slight pain of his throat being stretched, retracted, and repeat. He doesn't care. Luffy continues to suck on his cock, matching the rhythm of Law's thrusts.

Law lets out what sounds like the sweetest noise of pleasure to Luffy, from above. Shuddering and giving his wrist one last squeeze before he loosens his grip, coming into his mouth, down his throat. Law's cock is still in Luffy's mouth and he's trying his best to swallow, despite the way his lungs cry out to him, begging for air. It becomes easier when Law slowly pulls himself out of his mouth and Luffy takes one long deep breath, followed up with many quicker shorter ones to refill his poor deprived lungs.

Law takes a couple of breaths of his own while he tucks himself back into his sweats and traces over Luffy's swollen red lips with his thumb.

"You're so obedient... I didn't think you would actually let me do that." He says, licking his own lips before he leans down to press his mouth against Luffy's and he can taste himself. Imagine that. Law honestly can't. The fact he's still hazy isn't helping him restrain himself from just pushing Luffy down onto bed that he's kneeling on. But he doesn't need to, when Luffy's arms wrap around his neck and pull him down again, kissing the air out of his lungs. Their bodies, slick with sweat sliding against one another.

Thinks shit they shouldn't do this they really shouldn't, not with Luffy who he's become so close to in such a short amount of time. He almost feels like he's known him his whole damn life.

So they shouldn't be doing this. Because Law knowing himself, will get way too fucking attached and he can't do that. He can't bear that.

But they are and they do, the need is too great and the comfort, the safety that's given off with each touch and hold is only urging Law to keep going. Thinking maybe it's not so bad; maybe it won't end up as bad.

And he thinks shit this is really bad, this is really fucking bad, because he _knows _how he is. Any other stranger and he wouldn't give a shit, but Luffy's no stranger to him. At least not anymore and he shouldn't be doing this.

But the way Luffy moans into his mouth and nearly begs for him is way too big of a challenge to overcome, and damn it all because he's no where near as strong as he needs to be to overcome it. So he gives in.

Gives into the need the want all of it all of Luffy, kisses him so hard their teeth clink against each other and press into their cheeks indenting them, making them bleed. He doesn't care. He needs this and he damn well deserves this because shit, after god knows how long he's gone without feeling this good, this safe, and out of harms way, he fucking deserves this.

Doesn't think he's taking advantage of Luffy because the way he reacts, lifting his body to slide harder against Law's is just needy and just perfect that Law begins to think Luffy's of a divine being who's come down to give him his just reward.

He'll take it, claim it, make it his all he wants and what he wants is Luffy. And Luffy he will receive

And he fucking adores the way Luffy calls out his name to bring him back to reality which isn't all that different from his day dreams, because there Luffy is, helplessly grinding against him calling out his name and asking for more as if he'll die in a matter of seconds if he's denied

Who'd Law be if he denied such a request? Surely not someone he knows.

"Luffy…" He breathes against the younger's mouth but quickly pulls back. Sticks his fingers into Luffy's mouth because unfortunately for him, he didn't know this would be happening otherwise he would have for sure stocked up on lube, but this'll have to do. And Luffy's so good, the way he licks around his digits, sucking on them until their soaked with saliva. Moans a _'please'_ through a mouthful of fingers, and fuck Luffy for being so damn sexy.

Law dips his head down, leaving a trail of wet hard kisses on Luffy's abdomen until he hovers over his cock, dripping with precum and plays around, probing his hole while biting the inside of his thigh.

He wants to make him beg, make him squeal underneath him, all in due time which doesn't take long after all, with Luffy's mouth hung open, panting _'please'_ and _'hurry up',_ says he feels like he's going to die and no no, Law can't have that. So he pushes in both fingers, figures Luffy can handle it. He's a big boy. And handle it Luffy does. Lets out a moan that's so sweet the noise goes straight to Law's groin.

Luffy immediately tightens around his fingers and it's not as easy without lube, the burn of the drag when Law pulls out and pushes his fingers back in as deep as he can hurts, but in the best way possible. He ruts back, making Law go exactly as deep every time. And it fucking hurts, but the pleasure outweighs the pain.

"Oh god, oh god, Law…" Luffy moans, because shit the guy's too good with his fucking fingers to be real. Law just smirks and hums, pushes his fingers in faster and Luffy squeezes his eyes shut, mouth open, moaning for him, and only him. Finally Law knows he's found that spot when Luffy's eyes spring open and his mouth hangs lower than before, throat lets out the roughest and most blissful noise he's ever heard he smirks thinks he's doing a good job. His mouth finds his way back to Luffy's, which in between kisses and biting at Laws' lower lip asks for it again and again, until he's ready. He's so fucking impatient and needs Law, now.

Law doesn't waste any time, pulls out his fingers to which Luffy whines a bit before he feels Law waiting for some kind of approval to continue.

"God just do it- shit," Luffy says and oh no, that's not good enough for Law.

"Ask nicely." He says, pulling himself further away from him, just to tease.

"God _please_ Law, fuck me!" And that's all Law fucking needs to go all in. And of course without lube it's ten times rougher, so he takes his time pushing himself in until Luffy's face makes Law's hips involuntarily jerk and thrust all the way in. And he's so fucking tight, squeezing his cock but he feels so damn good. He's considerate of Luffy though, doesn't want to hurt him so he waits until he gives the signal, that it's okay to move.

"God fuck, please please please," Luffy says as quick as he can because he's got about half or maybe less the air inside him and Law kisses him hard like he needs him, and moves.

Sliding out of Luffy's body slowly only to sink right back into him again like it wasn't their first time. Like he knows Luffy's body, inside out. Repeating again and again, Luffy letting out mewls and moans each time. Law letting out his own grunts.

"Fucking hell," Law gets out through a tightly clenched jaw, leaning down to pant into Luffy's ear, the hot air hitting against Luffy's sweaty skin immediately sending chills down his spine. "You feel so fucking amazing, Luffy."

Luffy's too dazed to give him an answer, to busy drowning in Law to reply. Instead he just opens his mouth, replies with louder moans when Law hits him perfectly, letting out hard breaths he can't control that he know's he needs, but doesn't care much for now anyways.

But he loves it. Loves the way Law gives into him, loves the way he looks at him with such desire and thinks it's a little taste of heaven. Thinks he'll never get this image out of his mind ever again, it's burned into him. Engraved into his skin.

"Fuck, fuck! H-harder..." He lets out with a gulp, squeezing his eyes as tight as he could.

Law looks down at him, panting, mumbles a quick _'anything for you' _and gives into the demand. Luffy's legs tightening the hold he has on Law's waist when Law trusts even deeper into him. Both letting out a moan so delicous, it's hard not to do again.

Law starts moving faster, to please Luffy. To do anything for Luffy. Loving the way Luffy melts, whithers underneath him and Luffy's hips rut up to match every thrust, filling Law's room with blissful moans and skin slapping against skin.

"Yeah, yeah fuck! Law!" Luffy moans but he needs more. More and more and more.

Law lets out his own groan that's doused with pleasure, increasing his pace even more. Pounding into Luffy relentlessly as if Luffy's body is all he knows. All that matters anymore. Not that it's anywhere far from the truth. He can't find himself concentrating on anything or anyone but Luffy.

Pleasure ripples through their blood, rips through them like a drug. Feeling it like ecstasy in every single inch of their body, every sense focused on the other. All Luffy can hear is Law's pants and grunts, and all Law can feel, see, hear, touch, is Luffy.

Every second that passes only allowed their sex to become rougher, more needy and desperate. Luffy's only adding more fuel to the fire that is Law with every moan and string of curse words. The way Luffy shifts his hips makes it so that every thrust Law gives him hits that spot of his perfectly, too good to be true. And it sends doses of pleasure through every vein in his body. Not even sure if his moans or gasps are coming out moderately coherent anymore, he doesn't care.

Digs his nails into the skin on Law's back. He doesn't care. Biting down on his shoulder to keep his mouth busy from letting out any other embarrassing noise he can't make out. He's just a quivering and shaking mess. Law loves it. Showing absolutely no mercy as he trusts in as deep as Luffy's body will let him.

Luffy's core only burns with the desperate need to come, let his orgasm wash over him. And with the way Law looks at him, like he's about to be devoured it only further pushes him to the edge.

"Luffy, Luffy fuck," Law groans, because shit he's about to let his own orgasm engluf him to the fullest extent too. Luffy's got no problem with that. Can't even make out a proper response that isn't filled with a throaty need. Law digging his own nails so deep into the skin on Luffy's hip it's hard enough to bruise. Thrusting with no intention of holding back, giving it his all and then some.

"Y-yeah, yes fuck, fuck Law!" Luffy gets out somehow when one of Law's hands take hold of his throbbing erection that's just begging, begging to be played with and released. And it only takes a few strokes to send Luffy running for the hills, spinning around with pleasure he's gone.

His whole body trembling underneath Law, the force of it shooting right through his body like a bullet. Every nerve, everything he could feel was on fire. His eyes squeezed shut so damn hard he doesn't see the face Law makes when he comes inside him. Feels him shake above him before he collapses on top of him, holding back most of his body weight, but it's enough to press Luffy into the bed.

Neither of them really find the need to talk through heavy breathing and panting. Just look at each other with a face that's been satisfied from the longing of this all. Law pushes himself off, lies next to him on his bed and listens to the sound of his heart as well as his own beating so hard it could jump out of his chest. And it's still silent.

Luffy finally looks down from the ceiling, turning to see eye to eye with Law and gestures for him to come closer. He does. He'll do it all. Luffy sliding an arm around his waist and digs his head into his shoulder, Law loving the hold he has on him. Loves the way his finger makes little circles on his back. Thinks he could sleep so peacefully like this.

God damn it's got to be the most "emotional" thing that he's ever had happen to him in… forever. The odd tender look in Luffy's tired eyes very well sends his own head into paranoia. Like he'd gotten what he wanted, and he'll fuck off the second Law closes his eyes. But he's so tired, and the one time he doesn't want sleep to wash over him, it does.

Last thing he remembers seeing is Luffy, tired grin across his face, lips moving to say _'goodnight.'_


	7. Mania

**A/N: **Hey hey hey. Here's a new chapter for all you lovelies. Thank you all so much for the reviews and kind messages on tumblr it really makes me happy to know so many people are enjoying and reading this fic. That means so so much to me. I hope you enjoy what I have for you now! I look forward to reading what you think about it, thank you again for the kind words! ~S

**TRIGGER WARNINGS: **None.

* * *

Law's only reason for waking up is that he feels strangely cold and the sun, the bastard that is it, is shining through his dark curtains so brightly he doesn't really have a choice. He blinks a couple times, notices his main reason for being cold is the fact his blanket is on the other side of the bed, where he thinks Luffy should be. But he's not. There's just a little note on the pillow. Picks it up and opens the many times its been folded to see messy, rushed writing.

_I have class super early today I'm sorry I couldn't stay! Your sleeping face is priceless so I took a picture HAHA! I'll call you later though! _

_Also I took a box of your cereal, since you had no meat. _

Law reads the paper a couple times because Luffy's writing is well, not the best, and groans. Kind of looks like cat scratch. Fucking Luffy. But it's okay, for the most part. He has to go see his psychiatrist anyways and knowing Luffy, getting him out wouldn't be all that easy. So it's not all too bad that he's gone. He looks over to the clock on the bedside table that flashes 11:18am and gets his ass out of bed before he ends up late.

And he feels really well rested. Best he's ever felt in a long time. Gets up and rubs his face, stretches and god he feels good. He could run a marathon right now, and it's not too bad of an idea. So he's going to. There's no snow on the ground yet, so it's a perfect time. Digs in his closet to find his running shoes and changes into relatively appropriate gear.

"Oi Law!" He hears Rocinante shout and he's here again, _really _thanks the fact Luffy had school otherwise it'd be quite the situation. Puts on his best face and calls back out to him.

"Yeah yeah I'm here, I'm in my room, what do you want?" He says, he's in a rush. Trying to go out and run and Rocinante's bothering him.

"Oh there- what are you wearing? You're going out on a run?" He asks with a huge smile he can't hold back because he really can't believe it. Little Law is doing something good for himself.

"I would be if you would be so kind as to move aside and let me." Law says as sweet as he can.

"Are you coming back?" He asks and Law nods.

"Well yeah I can't go see my psychiatrist in this can I? Actually that's not too bad, I can imagine the face she'll have when I walk in looking like I've just ran 25km." He says with a laugh and to Rocinante he seems like he's in a good mood. That's good. Great even.

"Okay go on now, I'll be here when you get back." Rocinante says, because Law looks like he couldn't be in a bigger rush to leave.

"Yeah, yeah sure whatever make yourself at home. Sleep, eat, shower, whatever." He shouts, and he's out the door. Doesn't take the elevator, thinks going down twelve flights of stairs is a good warm up.

* * *

Law gets back home about half an hour later, he's still got it in him. Phone reads he's ran about 3.4km and that's damn good for someone who hardly moves around at all. See's Rocinante wave at him while drinking out of a water bottle and walks over, takes out out of the fridge for himself too.

"How far did you run?" He asks and Law proudly smiles while drinking from the bottle, flipping his phone so the screen faces Rocinante and hell, he's proud too.

"I bet you could do start doing 5k if you're keep this up."

"Yeah, so do I. I think I'll do it, it's nice. Running and whatever and seeing the people around me and listening to tidbits of their conversations when I walk past you know? Wind in my hair feels relaxing." He says really fast, out of breath.

"I didn't catch half of what you said but I'm glad you're feeling so good and up to starting running again." Rocinante says, smiling and ruffling his hair.

"Me too! I don't know how I just woke up and I thought I might as well run because I still have some time before I have to go to the office and there's nothing like a morning run, isn't that what you used to tell me?" Law says and it all comes out so rapid Rocinante's only able to catch the last part of his speech.

"I... yeah. Is there anything wrong?" The older asks, because as nice as it is to see Law doing good things for himself, but it's out of the ordinary. A little too forced.

"Wrong? What would be wrong I haven't felt this good in ages and you're asking me if somethings wrong?" Law asks and he sounds like he's offended Rocinante would ever ask him such a thing. Can't he see he's having one of the best days he's ever had so far and it's not even noon?

"Law, I just worry. Go take a shower you smell." Rocinante tells him, pointing at the sweat dripping down the sides of his face, mostly trying to change the subject because he doesn't want to put Law off. To ruin the mood, if he says he's as happy as he is.

"Well don't." Law says sternly but quickly flashes him a smile and gives Rocinante a slap on the shoulder before taking his advice to shower. Smell is an over exaggeration, but he is sweaty. And it feels just as gross.

* * *

"So Law, how do you find your medication? Is it helping in anyway? Any noticeable changes?" The woman in front of him asks as usual, he shakes his head.

"No, not in particular but I think I put on a couple pounds and that's got to be one of the side effects I guess but it's cool I was getting a bit lanky anyways or at least thats what Roci always tends to tell me when we're eating, forcing meat and protein or whatever down my throat." He says sarcastically at first then turns to rapid speech and she smiles back at him. But that's not really what she's talking about.

"I mean, how have you been feeling since being put on it?"

"Uh, fine, I guess. Not as bad as I was, actually today's been pretty good I feel really good and I even went for a run before I came here, felt good. Still shitty some days though but just not as much which has to be good right? Because I think it's good."

"That's good to hear, it means it's working. Less mania and depressive states are a good start. We'll let the medication do its job." She says with a smile and he smiles back. He's feeling pretty good. The only thing that sucks about them is the way they numb any other feeling, some days.

She says something else to him, but he's really distracted by the table between them. Looks like wood but what kind of wood has Law ripping his hair out mentally because damn it, it's on the tip of his tongue.

"Is this Oak? It's nice. Oak is a good choice, if it is. If it's not you should get one that is, it'll really add character to the room." Law says and the woman stares at the table, then at Law.

"I'm not sure, it might be-"

"It looks like it could be oak." He says, suddenly stopping mid thought because of the noise coming from outside. Sound of children crying loud enough to reach the floor their on and through the closed windows. How irritating.

"Is something bothering you?" She asks, noticing the change in his behaviour easily just by his posture. His facial expression's also distasteful.

"Yeah, yeah. Those kids outside need to shut up. I don't know what they're crying about but it's so damned annoying. And the windows are closed too, don't you hear them? They're so loud." He tells her and she nods, saying that's just how kids are. He knows how kids are; he doesn't need to tell her. All he's saying is that they're annoying.

"Can you do anything about those other pills though? They leave the grossest taste in my mouth for days." He asks and she looks back at him a bit confused.

"You should be done those, no?" She asks, referring to the medication she'd given him to help him sleep.

"I didn't take them everyday. Just whenever I felt I needed the... help." He says. He's never been one to follow the rules when it comes to taking medication.

"Ah. Well, if you're done them now I can't give you anymore. They tend to be addicting to some." She says, jotting down some things he can't really read. Do all doctors write like five year old children?

"I know. I looked it up." He says like he's an expert on the drug, on medicine in general, and he's kind of disappointed because he knows his sleep, what little he got with the pills, is going to die down back to about two to three hours every couple of days. Shit.

"Have you been having any nightmares?"

"No. Surprisingly." He answers her, it really s a surprise. A good one, at that.

"That's good, that's something." She says again, smiling while writing it down. He feels like he's progressed. Like in the past couple of weeks he's slowly begun his change into a totally new, better, Law.

"And how about your thoughts? Any plans?" She says and it could be taken very vaguely. Like sure, he has plans. He has travel plans. He'll never go through with them, but that's a plan right?

"No. Not recently at least." He tells her and it's quite obvious how proud she looks of him, that he's really something else. Because he's not the same Law that was sitting in her chair a few months ago crying his eyes out and shouting how badly he wanted to die.

That feeling isn't exactly gone, but he's not about to do anything about it. He's on cloud nine now, can't feel a thing. Doesn't want to think about it. Isn't going to let it affect him. He's good, he's really good.

* * *

Luffy calls him, asks him how his day is going and he tells him it's great. Because it is, he's really doing great. Luffy says he's proud of him, that he's had such a good day. He's proud too, heck he loves it. If he could feel this on top of the world all the time he would.

"_Can I stop by after my classes are over?"_ Luffy asks, and yes. Anything for Luffy.

"Yeah, why?" He asks, just a bit curious.

"_Just wanna see you is all! We can celebrate!" _And yeah, baby. Law wants to see him too, hasn't wanted to see anyone else but him.

"Celebrate what?" He asks, keeps it cool. Oh so cool.

"_That you're having a good day!" _

"That's worth celebrating?" He asks with a laugh. Supposes sure, it could be if it were a good month, or week even.

"_Hell yeah it is! But I have to go now, I'll see you soon!" _Luffy says, hangs up with no chance for Law to say goodbye, but he smiles anyways. Loves the way Luffy cares. Loves the way he makes something good out of anything.

He's sort of committed to Luffy. Really, only to Luffy. Thoughts he'd normally have about going out and fucking any random stranger on impulse are all redirected towards Luffy.

And Luffy goes over to Law's, nearly every day he can. Practically lives there. His bed's also reserved for him, no one else. But there's no real distinction between their relationship, it's just what it is. Neither of them bring it up; neither of them need to think about it.

* * *

A few days of constantly being with him has made Luffy somehow bring out something really different in Law. Most people who hurt try to care for others ten times more than themselves, if they even care about their own well being at all. But Luffy makes Law want to. Want to care about himself. On top of wanting to give Luffy everything, to give him the world. Wants to be able to spend every second of his time on him, with him. Every time his phone rings, it's Luffy. And he doesn't feel all that annoyed seeing the name flash across the screen.

"He-" He tries to say hello, hey, hi, whatever. But Luffy beats him to it.

_"Hi!" _

"Hey."

_"I told you I'd call later didn't I?" _Luffy says and he sounds like he thought Law might have doubted him. Not that he hadn't.

"You did." He says and he can feel his lips curling up into a smile. He's happy to hear him. Even happier that he kept his word. And it's just a phone call.

"What are you doing?" He asks, because he can hear loud ass yelling and cheering from the other end.

_"Oh sorry is it loud? I'm at our schools football game!_" He says all happy and cheerful and Law can tell he's having a good time. Then there are some really loud voices shouting behind him, whoever it is, telling Luffy to get off the phone and actually pay attention to the game.

"Who's that?" Law asks, because he's curious. Surely nothing else. Just curious.

_"Sorry, Zoro's being an ASS,"_ He says loudly and he can hear the man he'd met before snort in the back, _"I just wanted to call and check up on you, y'know?"_

"I'm fine." He says, he doesn't particularly like the way Luffy's acting as if he's his babysitter or whatever, but he appreciates the gesture. For what it's worth.

"_Really? That's good! I'm glad."_ Luffy says and he can practically hear his smile through the phone but he's not convinced. That he's as "glad" as he says he is. For one reason, because every few seconds between words he'll answer questions in the back, talking half to him and half to whoever he's with.

"Doesn't really seem that way." He says, because Luffy sounds like he'd much rather get the conversation over with and hang out with his good buddy Zoro instead.

_"What do you mean?"_ He hears Luffy ask and he sounds kind of hurt.

"Nothing. You can get back to your game." He says, and hangs up. Just like that. He's not normally one to get jealous per say, but he's just really annoyed if he's honest. Annoyed that he comes second. Or maybe even lower, who knows. He's never first. But then again, he's really nothing that important to Luffy.

And incomes the countless amount of thoughts he's got about how shitty he is, rushing at him like a train speeding off its tracks. And he knew it, that he shouldn't have fucked around with Luffy the way he did. He's such a fool, such an idiot. He never learns does he?

But Luffy calls back, his phone vibrating on the table in front of him and he ignores it. He'll keep ignoring it. But then it rings again, and again, and finally he gives in and picks up.

"What?" He says and again there's the annoying voices shouting in the background he can hardly hear what Luffy has to say. Not that he wants to. It's all putting him off from his earlier mood. Now he's just plain irritated.

_"Why're you being an ass? I just wanted to check up-"_

"On me yeah I got that, you checked up. Now you can go back and fuck around with Zoro and whoever the hell else is in the back yelling." He spits and he can hear Luffy almost gasp.

_"What are you jealous or something?"_ Luffy asks, and no. No he's not. He's just irritated.

"I couldn't care less about what you fucking do with him." He says, and that probably made him sound even more jealous than the previous.

_"So then why are you acting so-"_

"So _what,_ Luffy?"

_"You're just being a dick."_ He hears him say and then there's laughter in the back and he can't tell if that's indirectly towards him by what Luffy said or if someone's just cracked a joke.

"I'm not the one who fucks around, claiming they care only to go do whatever the fuck you have planned on doing with him after." He scoffs, and then hangs up again.

He's _probably _taken it too far. Again. That's nothing new. Plus he's just speculating, or thinking of the worst possible scenarios he can in his little fucked up mind of his. Was that Luffy's plan? To get laid then go off and fuck some other guy?

And granted he sounds like the biggest hypocrite. Because he's done the same. But he's never once told those people he cared about them, they were just fucks to him. But Luffy had told him he cared, had made him believe for a split second that he was being honest and truthful.

It's the same old shit. Him running away from his problems. But he doesn't even know what the hell the problem is. He throws his head back, rubs his face and breathes in until his lungs can't take in any more air and breathes out. He's so fucking problematic, it's no wonder everyone he knew just up and walked away.

His phone vibrates again, and then stops. Then again, and repeat. He knows if he answers he'll say something he'll most likely regret. So why he's answering the phone again is as good a question as any. And this time it's Luffy that gets the first word, or words out.

_"Will you stop hanging up and listen to me?!"_ He shouts and it's much quieter this time. He thinks Luffy must have gone somewhere else to talk because he can't hear that damned green headed asshole in the back anymore.

"Talk." He says, because all he can hear is Luffy huffing and puffing like he'll blow the house down.

_"There's nothing going on with him okay? He has a girlfriend-"_

"Do you think I'm stupid?" That's the most overused cover up in the book."

_"What fucking book?! I'm being serious!"_ Luffy shouts and Law can picture the angry facial expression on his face.

"I don't even know why you try. What'd you aim to get out of this anyways?"

"_Out of what?! Why do you always try to pick a fight with me? I haven't done anything wrong to you I just wanted to see if you were okay!" _Luffy says, but it just sounds like a jumbled up pile of lies to Law.

"Yeah, I'm sure. You're really the same as everyone else. You're not any different. What, you think because you spit out "I care" a couple times means all my worries and troubles are just going to vanish into thin air? Are you fucking stupid?"

"_I don't even know what you're fucking talking about Law. I wasn't lying, I really care about you okay?"_ Luffy says and Law flinches at the words. No he doesn't. He's lying.

"Whatever, I have to-"

_"Don't hang up! Why don't you ever listen to me when I'm telling you the truth?! God Law, you piss me off so bad I really want to punch you in the face."_ He hears Luffy says and he completely ignores the question. Goes straight to the physical assault Luffy wishes to inflict upon him and laughs.

"Like you could." He says, and does the opposite of what Luffy had asked, hangs up again and can't find a single care in the world. Exchanges his phone for the box of cigarettes on the table, grabs his keys and walks out the door.

He can't stay home; he knows it'll be bad. So he leaves.

* * *

Law walks pretty aimlessly now. Doesn't have a specific destination or anything, he's just walking. Taking in the fresh air between hits of his third cigarette. Thinks he's fluctuating between depression and irritability.

He really hates the way he is. There's no way to change it. And he hates it. How chaotic he is. He keeps walking, head down watching his feet step over the cracks on the sidewalks. Watches the other people step out of his way when they notice he's not watching where he's going. Until its one asshole, who doesn't move. And Law's too fucking stubborn to move, so he ends up bumping into him.

And it's possibly the biggest mistake of Law's life.

"Law?" He sees the redhead ask, and shit. Shit, shit, shit. He stares at Kid, wide eyed like he's either about to start throwing a couple of punches or cry. He does neither, gives him side eye and starts to walk away, brush it off like he'd never seen him. But Kid doesn't let him, follows him, jogging up behind him with coffee in hand and starts up a conversation.

"Hey wait, it's been a while." He says, and yeah, it has. They haven't spoken in years, so why now he feels the need to make conversation is beyond him. It irks him. He doesn't reply, doesn't think Kid deserves a '_hey!' _back, so he keeps walking. Minding his own business, trying to pretend Kid isn't following him like a fucking stalker or something.

"How have you been?" He asks nonchalantly, like nothing that'd happened between the two of them ever happened. Like Law had just imagined it all, made it up, was delusional.

"Like you give a damn." He says, starts walking faster because fuck it all. Like he wants to be out of the house anyway, now he has to deal with this son of a bitch following him. Kid sighs and Law wants to turn around, elbow him in the nose to make him bleed the same shade of red as his annoying ass hair.

"I saw you at a party a couple weeks back. Well, Bonney did. She said she noticed you and we were going to come ask you how you were doing but she said you probably didn't want to talk to us." Kid says, and wow no shit, Law thinks. Why the hell would he want to make pity conversation?

"No kidding." He groans, clenches his fists in his pockets and keeps walking. Kid keeping up the fast pace next to him.

"She's really proud of you for still being here you know? She said she was surprised, but she's really happy-"

"Kid, I couldn't care less about what the fuck she thinks." He says. Their opinions and inputs don't fucking matter to him. They don't.

"She's been worried about you ever since you stopped talking-"

"_I_ stopped talking? Do you even hear yourself?" Law stops in his tracks, looks at Kid like he's got to be fucking joking and there's got to be a camera around the two of them somewhere, because this apparently, is comedy fucking gold.

"Law come _on_. I'm not trying to be an ass-"

"Really? Fucking _really,_ Kid? You don't need to try, you _are_ an ass." He spits, the veins in his neck throbbing. He turns to start walking away again, but still, Kid follows. Pulling on his arm to make him slow down, or stop in his tracks. He'll take whatever if it means giving himself a couple more seconds to explain. Though it's obvious Law doesn't want to hear anything. It's all crap to him. With good reason.

"Don't fucking touch me-" Law shouts, yanking his arm out of Kid's hold and people around them turn to stare, look at what's going on between the two of them. He hates it. The way they look at him. "Do you have any fucking clue what kind of position you put me in you fucking asshole?!" He shouts again, shoving Kid to the side to keep walking, but again, Kid grabs his arm, holding him back. Like he needs to be heard, the jackass.

"You're still holding onto that? Law-" Kid says, and Law bites his bottom lip, breaking a bit of skin before he turns around and looks like he could bite Kid's head off with his words.

"Yeah, I fucking am. You were supposed to be my friend, the way I was your fucking friend. Do you even know how many fucking times I helped you through shit?" He shouts, pushing Kid against the brick wall behind him. The sound of Kid's head hitting cement is near music to his ears. Kind of like payback. "How many times I was there for you when you'd get arrested for the stupidest crap, or if you'd get shit with Bonney? And when I asked you for _one_ fucking thing, to keep me _alive_ Kid, you turned your back on me." He shouts, grabbing him by the collar and there's a faint shout of '_someone stop them' _in the back, but he doesn't care. "You told everyone we hung out with I was fucking _insane_-"

"I know, I was stupid-"

"You _still are_! You used me, and then you threw me away when I became too fucking inconvenient for you! Do you think you just asking me how I am is going to make me turn a blind eye? I can forgive you; I don't really give a damn. But I'll _never _forget what you said to me-" He pulls on the collar of Kid's jacket, pulling him off the wall, gripping it tightly his knuckles turn ghost white and forcefully shoves him back, making his head hit once more, "-what you all _did_ to me." Law finishes, and now it's Kid that looks back at him wide eyed, like he feels some sort of remorse for it all. But it doesn't matter to him now.

Kid grabs Law's arms, squeezing tightly and fuck if he didn't know any better he'd say Kid was doing it on purpose. Law lets go of him, takes a few steps back and takes in a large breath of air. Shouting not to touch him again, and now even more people stare at the two of them. He figures he's done, he needs to leave before he tries to bash Kid's own skull into the ground.

He keeps walking, and Kid doesn't follow for a couple of seconds, and then he's right in front of Law. Blocking the way.

"_Move_."

"What the fuck do you want me to say?! I'm sorry?! Because I am, I'm sorry you know? I was stupid. I didn't know how bad it was for you and I made it worse-"

"Well there's the understatement of the fucking century." Law says, rolling his eyes and he tries to step to the side, to walk past, but Kid follows.

"Will you fucking listen? At least talk to Bonney? Someone? She's the one out of all of us that didn't want to do that to you. She cares a lot-"

"I already told you, that I don't give a fuck if she cares. And I don't give a fuck if _you're_ sorry, get the hell out of my way." Law says, and shoves his shoulder, pushing him to the side and walks past, finally free of the pest following him.

Damn, he thinks. He's kind of proud of himself. For giving that dumbass a piece of his mind.

He thinks he might have seemed childish, holding onto something that'd happened a few years ago. But he can't help it. It'd be even stranger if it hadn't affected him the way it did. For Law, it's something he'll never really be able to let go of. Because he trusted those people, he put his all into those people. And the end result was him, having his head slammed repeatedly against the concrete and laughed at by everyone he knew.

He was "insane", not worthy of anyone's time. And a swarm of horrifying memories float to the surface.

Going out was such a bad idea.

* * *

Law's gone a week managing to avoid Luffy at all costs. Avoiding everyone, really. He doesn't know how he's managed to do it with Luffy being the way he is, but he's fine. He is, he's made some new friends. Like the old man he'd met at the coffee shop. Who told him people needed to communicate more. That people hide too much from themselves, and from each other. He'd asked him if there was anything he was hiding, feeling particularly up for talking. Needing to talk. The man told him he was, and that he'd probably keep hiding it too.

The only person he's talked to that he knows is Rocinante, and not by choice either. The man just keeps waltzing in on his own accord. Saying hey how's it going and Law's told him a million times this week that he's fine, he feels incredible even. Higher than he's ever been. Rocinante just never seems convinced enough, keeps doubting him.

A little part in the back of his mind tells him this isn't Law, either. That this is probably partly due to mania.

"Have you slept yet?" He asks Law, because the day before he'd told him it's been a while at least, since he last slept.

"What? No. Why? I don't need to, I feel fine. I get a lot more done this way too." Law tells him, lighting his sixth cigarette today and he can hear Rocinante sigh as loud as he can, sits down next to him and tells Law to light his as well.

"You know, I met the most interesting old man the other day. He was one hell of a wise guy, I almost got irritated with him actually, but he was really smart. Incredibly, even. I don't know why some people say intelligence dies down with age, those people have no idea what they're talking about." Law gets out as quick as he can, writing at the same time and ends up writing the words he was saying instead of what he meant to. Which was... what?

Rocinante hums, looks at Law who's smiling with a cigarette held between his lips and writing as fast as he can into his notebook, looks unreadable to him.

"You're talking too fast. Slow it down before you choke on your own spit." Rocinante tells him. He's not about to do CPR on Law for something as stupid as that.

"I'm not talking fast you're just incredibly slow and can't keep up." Law says and Rocinante stares at him, practically screaming see what I mean and Law just glares at him. Looks back down at his book.

"It's not my fault your brain isn't able to keep up with the speed of my speech what the hell am I supposed to do about it talk the same speed a snail moves?" Law asks and Rocinante nods, not a bad idea. Law snorts, can't believe how irritating Rocinante can be sometimes.

* * *

A few days pass, he's not all that quick anymore. But he's quick enough to tell Luffy's at his door, and is either pissed or determined as fuck. The rapid knocking has gone up a couple notches, thinks his knuckles might even start bleeding if he just leaves it alone and waits for Luffy to leave. But he knows he won't, he knows he'll come back again later if he does.

It's pretty fucking surreal to Law. The way Luffy's so god damned determined, even after he snapped at him. Multiple times, to add. If it'd been a one time thing, maybe he'd be able to understand. But this... was just crazy. So he opens the door, and Luffy's pained expression is the first thing that hits him in the face.

Shortly followed by his fist, and then Luffy lets himself in. Like he hadn't just punched him in the face.

"I told you I'd do it." Luffy says, and Law holds his jaw. He didn't punch him as hard as he'd thought considering the damn speed his fist was coming towards him, but still. It hurt like a bitch.

"Shouldn't you be with Zoro?" He asks. And he knows he sounds like a sourpuss baby, but he doesn't care.

"God! You're so annoying, you know that?" Luffy yells and Law just stares, well, because he finds Luffy to be the annoying one in this, whatever it is they have.

"Excuse me?"

"No I shouldn't be with fucking _Zoro, _what's your problem?!" He shouts, and Law wishes he knew. Luffy waits for an answer but goes on when he doesn't get one.

"Seriously, I don't know what's wrong with you, but considering you practically _begged_ for that car to hit you, I'm going to assume its some bad shit. Okay? But I don't know how to deal with that if you don't tell me! I told you I don't care if you snap at me if it makes you feel better but don't go accusing me of shit I would never do!" Luffy gets out, all in one breath and his face is red, pained and he's huffing, trying to catch his breath.

And Law just looks at him, because shit if he said he wasn't speechless then he'd be lying. So he just keeps looking, and since Luffy looks like he's about to blow, he lets him. That's the friendly thing to do right? An exchange of verbal, and some physical, blows.

"Law, seriously. You know I don't want to force you or anything. But you have to know that I don't have a fucking clue what to do if you're just going to sit there and yell at me all the time. I want to help you! I'm not going to leave and I'm not doing some shady shit with Zoro, I don't even know how you thought of that. He's my friend but I'd never do that, I told you he has a girlfriend." Luffy says again, this time a bit more calmly than his first outburst and Law can't help but feel like, well, a piece of shit. For what he'd said to Luffy, for everything. Doesn't stop him from adding fuel to the fire though.

"So you're saying you'd do it if he didn't?" Law asks, curses his stupidity and inability to shut the fuck up sometimes. Thinks maybe he should sew his god damn mouth closed.

"What?! No! Stop twisting my words I never said that." Luffy says, looks like he could punch Law again and maybe that's what he needs. What he should do. Knock some sense into him maybe.

"Sounds like you wanted to." He says, rolls his eyes and his palms feel sweaty. Because with every shitty thing he says to Luffy, gives Luffy the chance to leave. To just, up and skedaddle.

"No. Law, I don't. I wouldn't." He says, still serious and his facial expression never falters. Doesn't give Law any reason to doubt him, though he'll still have them in the back of his mind. The doubts.

"You know that, right? That I'd never use you or abandon you?" Luffy asks when Law doesn't reply again and Law looks up from the floor he's been staring at for what seems like an eternity and he can see how serious Luffy looks. A serious look in his eye that tells him he's not lying. He really won't use him. He really won't abandon him. Still.

"No, no I don't fucking know that, Luffy. You say it and I want to believe you, _believe me_, I want to." Law says, his knees feel like they're about to give and he walks over to the couch. Sits down and sighs.

"But?" Luffy says, when Law doesn't go on. He feels like he could melt into a puddle of goop. Doesn't sound too bad if it means he could just be done with it all. Doesn't follow him to the couch, just turns around to face him.

"But it's _hard." _He tells him. Feels like everything around him, all the walls are caving in on him. Ready to flatten him.

"Why?! I haven't done anything to make you think otherwise! I don't know where those ideas you have come from!" Luffy yells back. Law can tell he's getting frustrated with him and this is just one of his worst nightmares.

"They just _come! _I don't even know where they come from damn it they just pop the fuck up whenever they want!" Law shouts back, as if he has any idea. He's just as clueless as Luffy in this situation.

"So then how the hell am I supposed to show you that I mean what I say if everything I do makes you think otherwise?!" Luffy shouts. Looks red as a tomato. Law just wants all this yelling to stop, his head feels like it's going to explode. Veins popping out of his neck with every response back.

"I don't know!"

"What do you just want me to stop doing what I'm doing and just sit here and be a complete ass to you?!" Luffy suggests and god no, that's the last thing he wants. There's nothing wrong with him, it's not him. It's not Luffy. Law's the one who's the ass, he's the one with the fucking issues.

"No. No, Luffy I don't want you to change anything you do you're not the one with the problem." He tells him, tries to make it sound calm but it's more aggressive if anything. Like a low growl out of the pit of his stomach he just can't hold back. He's not angry at Luffy, no he's just pissed at himself. For even starting any of this.

"What god damn problem?!"

"It's complicated, okay?" Law says, softly again because he really can't take the yelling. Can't bear to watch Luffy's pupils dilate with every word. Can't watch Luffy clench his fists as tight as he is. Like he's ready to lunge at him and give him another sucker punch to the jaw.

"Well it fucking better be because I'm really..." Luffy says, trails off and looks to the side. Tries to take in a deep breath to calm himself down.

"Really... _what?" _Law asks and he's terrified of what Luffy will say next. Thinks as fast as he can of every single response that could possibly come out of those lips and dies a little inside with each one.

_"Annoyed! _I'm really _really _annoyed Law!" He hadn't thought of that one. Looks at Luffy like he's a literal angel. Because he can deal with annoying. He can be less annoying for Luffy. What he can't deal with is Luffy telling him he's going to leave. That he's had enough of his crap.

"I... I know, I know. I just... I don't know. God." He sighs; he's a real jerk. It's no surprise all his other friends gave up on him. He's so thankful for Luffy though. So fucking thankful. And he's got no way to repay that. So all he says is he's sorry. He's so fucking sorry. For being the way he is.

"Do you hate me?" He asks and its low, scared and he's practically losing his mind thinking of the possibility of losing Luffy too. And he waits for an answer, anxious as hell. In fact, he's pretty sure he's never felt so scared of hearing the word "yes" in his life. And then Luffy sighs, walks closer to him and he thinks he's going to sit down next to him. But he stops, right in front of Law and the obvious height difference is obvious, even while Law's sitting, but Luffy stands tall. Looking Law in the eye as if he were the same height.

"I don't hate you. I don't." Luffy says, repeats it so Law gets it through his thick ass skull. He nods. He does. He gets it. And he feels like he could cry, shit. Luffy's got some ridiculous emotional hold on him that he not necessarily hates, because he's got to admit Luffy has helped him in more ways than he could ever thank him for. But at the same time, drives him so incredibly crazy. In a good way.

"I don't hate you, Law." Luffy says again, because Law's just speechless. At how Luffy's standing in front of him, instead of walking out the door never to be seen again. And he chokes out a laugh, but it's more of a held back cry and he smiles. Not too big, but not too small either. Just the perfect smile, and Luffy returns it. Wraps his arms around Law's neck and pulls him close, and it's then that Law pretty much fucking loses it. Digs his head into his abdomen and lets it all out.

He can feel one of Luffy's hands move and tangle in his hair, combing his fingers through it to calm him down as he cries. And he thinks Luffy must see him as the biggest baby, a grow man crying over something this stupid. Which in itself makes him cry even harder. Not out of embarrassment, but out of a bit of joy. That he even has someone to cry on. It's just all unrealistic to him.

Law's never been so appreciative of anyone like this in his entire life.

Doesn't know how long it'll last. Prays it's a kind of eternal thing.

Doesn't know if his prayers will be heard, 'cause God's never been all that kind to him anyways.


	8. Two Truths and a Lie

**A/N: **Woah cool, another chapter. I hope you enjoy this &amp; I look forward to reading your thoughts! ~S

**TRIGGER WARNINGS: **Torture.

* * *

Law's feels like he's been hooked up to the same IV for years. Reads the label through hazy eyes to see it say "Morphine – 15mg/20ml" and he clenches his fists. Which have a few broken fingers on each, though he doesn't remember how it happened. Watches the clear liquid drop at an alarmingly quick rate for the written dosage, thinks something is obviously wrong. And he's clouded.

Wonders how fucking long it really has been that he's sitting there, and when the last time he was actually conscious was, because he sure as hell can't remember.

There's a big shadow across the room. A man he thinks, that's walking towards him. And he doesn't even have a second to blink or breathe before two large hands grab him by the throat and squeeze. Hard. So fucking hard.

A couple seconds pass, his eyesight's becoming hazy and he continues to struggle for air, he needs it, he fucking _needs _it.

The man won't let him have it, adds more pressure when he see's the desperation in Law's eyes. The pain.

He can't feel all that much but the overflowing pain through every receptor in his twisted mind. Squeezes his eyes shut and thinks at least this will be the end, and he'll never have to deal with what worse this man could do to him ever again.

Until the hands are gone and Law's brain sends signals to breathe, fucking breathe. He inhales hard and long, exhales and inhales again. Repeat, repeat until he's back to being able to see straight.

And when he does get his breathing regulated, the man notices. Licks his lips as if what'd just happened was merely the appetizer to the main course.

He's cracking his knuckles like he's ready to ruin Law. To break him.

And he does.

Figures by now, Law should have opioid-induced hyperalgesia, and pushes one of his fingers so far back, until it breaks. Snaps. Law hears the sound of it, the bone cracking under his skin it echoes in his mind. And another follows. His screams are muffled by a cloth, but they're loud enough for the man to realize he's doing damage, and all he gets in return is a sickening smirk that could very well make Law puke if it weren't for the gag.

He wonders why the hell shit hurts so fucking bad if he's hooked up to opioids, wonders if this sick fuck has done something else to him while he was out cold for god knows how long, but he has little to no time to think about it before the same sickening sound of bone breaking happens and he feels like he's being toyed with. The man above him, playing around like Law's a doll. Curious to see just how many parts he can break before he becomes useless.

Truth is, he's already broken.

Truth is, he's already useless.

And Law doesn't bother to look down at his hands, knows the sight isn't pretty. So he stares into the man's eyes, that are filled with a disgusting look of satisfaction and desire. While his own burn with hatred and longing for death.

"Hammer or mallet?" The man asks, and Law wonders if there's any fucking difference. It'll hurt either way. He blinks once, and the man seems to take that as hammer, lifting it from the tray of tools that also has a wide assortment of knives, Law thanks god that wasn't an option, and he brings the flat end to Law's shoulder. He thinks with enough force he could pop his shoulder right out of it's socket, but that'd be too easy to do in one go.

He's gotten the mindset of this bastard down, for the most part. That it's never just a one hit thing for the guy, he likes to have fun. He thinks it's all a game. And Law would be wrong if he said that the flat end of a hammer against his shoulder didn't hurt.

In fact, it fucking kills.

* * *

A cold breeze of air hits Law's bare chest. He's sitting in that chair again. But he can't remember the last time he was out of it either, so maybe he hasn't moved. He's still in pain, the ache in his shoulders and hands are unbearable. The feeling of metal restraining any and all movements from his arms. And the feeling of cold floor under his bare feet. He's not sure how long he's been sitting there. His mouth is free now. He can feel cramping in his neck, knows his head's tilted back a bit.

That's when he feels the first drop. Of water, he assumes. On his forehead. It's not cold. About lukewarm temperature. He thinks his heads tilted back about 75 degrees, the drops hitting him in right the centre.

Drop. After drop. After drop.

Not knowing when the next one will hit drives him mad. He shouts out, asking for someone, _anyone _to make it stop.

No one comes.

It's been five hours, not that he knows. But the man watching from afar, can see how he's losing his mind.

He can't move, feels like he's paralyzed and that's what drives him even crazier.

The drops seem to keep growing louder and it's all he hears. All he feels. All he knows. He's started counting seconds between each drop.

Six. Four. Six. Six?

Cold water dripping down his face, running down the sides of his head. He can't wipe it off. He's been sitting in the same position for way too long, he feels like his neck is about to snap, disjoint from the rest of his body and his head will drop to the floor.

In fact, he'd rather the man cut his head off right there, end it all.

* * *

Law's shaken awake by his body's reaction. Sits up abruptly and his hands go straight for his neck, then his forehead. There's nothing there. Nothing. There are no hands, there's no water dripping down, there's nothing. He throws his covers off regardless, shakily runs to the washroom where he locks himself in and analyzes himself in the mirror. No marks. No indentations, no broken bones. He's still in one piece.

He runs the water, and it's the most annoying sound to him now. But he splashes cold water on his face anyways, because he has to make himself feel that this is real and what he'd seen wasn't. This is real, him being okay, and not fucked with by any madman.

This is real.

After a few minutes of catching his breath, he unlocks the door. Walks out with his face only dampened by sweat and breathes heavy. Sits himself down on the couch, doesn't bother to turn on any lights. He takes a couple of more deep breaths; until his lungs are so filled he can't bear to take in any more, and breathes out. Until his mind reminds him to breathe in again.

And he does that for a couple of minutes. At the same time, repeating in his head that it's all just a really fucking shitty nightmare. And that none of it is real.

It's not.

Really wishes he'd asked Luffy to stay over that night, if he'd known it'd be this bad. At the same time thanks god he didn't, doesn't want to let Luffy know about this or see him in such a frantic state.

He thinks if he's in a different surrounding, he'll be able to get some sleep. He pulls the blanket that's usually hanging off the arm of the couch over him. It's not thick, but it'll have to do, because there's no way in hell he's going back into his own room. At least not now.

The last thing he remembers seeing is the big hand hitting the nine, little hand almost hitting the five, and its lights out.

* * *

Law's pretty much a cart full of parts. Each of them doesn't add up to much, they're all incomplete. It's almost like a visualization of his failings, of whatever he's like deep down, all the things he could have been, but didn't manage to become.

While he continues to make stupid analogies of himself, his phone vibrates on the table, shaking it underneath his legs that he's propped up on it. ID reads Luffy, Law just throws his head back on the couch. He's in no mood to deal with him, let alone to just pick up and talk. It's a chore, and he's so very tired.

It's just been a string of days where he's been disconnected from everything around him. Disjointed.

Law stares at his phone that stops vibrating. Then starts up again for what has to be the fourth time today. Doesn't want to, but he answers with a low _'hey' _that's got an agitated tone that's obvious enough even to Luffy.

"What's wrong?" Is the first thing Luffy asks, doesn't even say hi. Law doesn't know whether that's nice or not. That he's too worried to say hello.

"Nothing, I'm just tired."

"You sound worse than tired." Luffy says and Law knows by now he doesn't mean it in a bad way, but he'll take it that way anyways. Because heck, what's being bipolar without taking everything people say to you literally and in the worst way possible?

"Law?" He hears Luffy call out his name and his voice is cracking.

"What?" He asks and he's about two second away from crying himself, blinking rapidly to hold back his tears. He wonders how bad it'd be if he just hangs up. Strongly considers it for a moment.

"I didn't mean it like that, okay?" Luffy says and sure it sounds sincere and genuine but then again, anyone could muster up a voice like that.

"Sure."

"I mean it-"

"Sorry. Me being bipolar as fuck makes me think everything you say is subtly hinting at how much you hate me." He says and doesn't give much thought to it at first then realizes he's told Luffy.

Shit.

It's as if everything he'd built up until now comes crashing down around him. What little it was.

And the other end is quiet too, he thinks Luffy might have hung up on him but checks his phone, the calls still going, so the quietness makes him anxious as hell. No, no, no. This isn't how he wanted shit to be. And it's not as if he's crazy or anything, really he's not.

He tries not to be ashamed of it, but the stigma around being bipolar isn't something easy to deal with. Everyone thinks you're nuts.

He can feel the panic, crawling up behind him. And he's been in such a depressive state for the past couple months he thinks even being manic at this point is better than wanting to rush out onto his balcony and jump off it.

"Law-"

"I have to go." He says, hangs up and tries to remember how to breathe. It's so nerve wracking, everything that's circling around in his mind.

* * *

He really should have figured Luffy would come rushing to his doorstep after that. Just hanging up as abruptly as he did. So he says '_it's open'_, loud enough for Luffy to hear and turn the knob.

All that's put Law's in an introverted mood. He doesn't want to talk to anyone.

"It's really quiet in here." Luffy says, walking in and closing the door behind him. Kicking off his shoes the way he always does and throwing himself down on the couch next to Law, crossing his legs.

"Then go home. Watch TV, listen to music. Whatever." Law says and turns around. But Luffy doesn't leave, just sits there quietly for a few seconds before talking again.

"I'm going to tell you what happened in my science class today okay? It was super gross. But you don't have to talk back." He says and doesn't wait a second for Law to reply or even make a gesture before continuing and tells Law about his day. How gross it was during a dissection and his lab partner, Usopp, had cut the pig wrong, all the liquids spewing out all over the two of them.

And Law thinks of Luffy as an incredible person, whether he knows it or not.

He doesn't think Luffy understands how helpful he's being, talking to someone whose depressed and doesn't expect him to say anything back. It's making him feel less and less lonely as the second goes by. The feeling of thankfulness creeps up on him, that he's so happy. He's alone but he's not lonely.

He stares at Luffy, almost the same way he feels other people stare at him sometimes. But it's different because he's really intrigued that Luffy's helping him out without his own realization. Until Luffy freezes mid gesture and looks at him.

"What?"

"You are one hell of a person, you know that?" He says and Luffy stares back at him like oh don't make me blush. But it's more genuine than that, really appreciative Law thinks so. Just smiles and Law rubs his eyes, leans his head against the back of the couch with his head turned to face Luffy. Stares for a couple seconds more before he says, "I just don't want to feel like this, this shitty anymore."

Luffy just stares at him, kind of clueless looking. But he leans over and wraps his arms around Law anyway; it's a nice, big, warm, and safe hug. Law feels Luffy breathe him in like he's a necessity of sorts. Lay a few light kisses on his neck. Stays quiet for a bit before pulling his head up and out of the crook of Law's neck. Staring him in the eyes. He's got a different vibe when he's serious.

"Law, real life isn't something you can control you know? Pain is always gonna be around, no matter what you want or think you deserve okay? I mean- you deserve to be happy, but pain can't not be there. It's a part of living and failing. A lot of people reach that point in their lives where they feel it's too much and like giving up would be so much better! But I know, and I am pretty fucking sure you know you wouldn't want that to be it would you?" Luffy says, pulling back a bit to look Law in the eye and he's kind of irritated by it.

"I appreciate the way you say everything with such fucking conviction even though you have no idea what the hell it is you're talking about. Listen, I've already accepted that this, right now, is pretty much as good as it's going to get-"

"No it isn't you don't know that! You're not some psychic!" Luffy shouts at him and he pulls his body back further, Luffy's arms dropping down to his waist. The hold isn't as tight as it was, but it's still there.

"Neither are you. You can't honestly tell me you somehow believe that it's just how I feel right now, and that _somehow_, it'll just _go away_?" Law asks, it's a genuine question and he's certain Luffy doesn't have the answer for it anyways.

"How do you know it won't?!"

"How do you know it will?" He asks back and realizes the two of them are acting like preteens. Luffy pursing his lips out like a little child who's just been rejected a fifth cookie for the day.

"Law! You're just guessing it'll stay bad!" Luffy says and he looks hurt, beyond hurt. Looks like when he sees Law like this it hurts him too and that's a first.

"Are you not doing the same thing?"

"Well what's the point in living if you're guaranteed everything? You have to work for what you want no ones just going to come up to you and hand you a handful of happiness!" Law can tell he's getting irritated. He doesn't mean to make him angry, he doesn't. He doesn't know what else to do though, and Luffy's not making it easier.

"You're so simple minded. I have been working. And working and working and _working. _For _years. _It's all the same fucking shit. You get tired of it, and you want it to end." Law says and it's the first time in a while he's actually admitted it to someone again. He's been having a lot of firsts since he met Luffy.

"So you think you can just what... _die_ and you'll be rid of all your problems?" Luffy asks, his voice filled with suspicion and doubts.

"Yeah-"

"That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard in my life. What about your family? Friends? What would they do?!" Luffy asks and it's kind of shitty. He's got no family unless he counts Rocinante, and Luffy's his only "real" friend.

"No one would miss me." He says and the ache that sets in with him saying that is unbearable. Because it's true.

"I'd miss you! I'd miss you a whole lot-"

"Would you just… shut up? Stop saying shit like that, you don't know what it means." Law says because he's fairly certain he knows everything. And knows when Luffy says stuff like that it's all just to fool him. Get him into thinking it's real when it'll all fade away eventually. And when it does, it'll hurt like a bitch. So he might as well stop it before it gets that bad.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Luffy asks, looks like a deer in headlights who's confused on whether to keep running or to turn back. Either way he's about to get hit.

"Nothing. Never mind. It's my life, just leave it." Law says and realizes the statement is quite misleading.

"Leave what? The topic or you?" Luffy asks, and go figure he's smart enough to realize what Law's talking about. He can be an idiot at times, but when it came down to it he wasn't all that out of the loop.

"Whatever you want. I don't care." It's not true. He cares a whole lot; he doesn't know why he's saying the complete opposite.

"You're such a fucking ass, you know that? Do you think I'll just say "okay!" and walk out the door?!" Luffy shouts back at him and Law scoffs.

"Wouldn't be the first time." Because Luffy's done it before. Granted, with good reason. But Law's in the most done with everything mode he's got, he _doesn't care. _At least that's what the dark part of his mind is shouting at him. Luffy just stares back at him and he thinks he's actually going to do it. Get up and leave. But he just sits there. Staring at him.

"Explain it to me. What you said on the phone." Luffy says, and Law's thinking shit, because it was going well for the most part. At least in the department where he's been anxious Luffy hadn't brought it up.

"Nothing. It was just a slip." He says and it should be believable. People slip up with shit all the time. Tell their friends things they shouldn't tell them for whatever reason. Accidentally slip to their parents about failing a test.

"You said you're bipolar, Law. That's not a slip. And I don't think you were just using it as a word exchange for moody." Luffy says. Law really regrets underestimating Luffy's ability to think.

"I have bipolar disorder. Is that what you want me to tell you?" Law asks, waiting to see what kind of reaction Luffy will have. After all this he's still skeptical. And after allt his, he still insists on hiding.

"Is it true?" Luffy asks him after a couple of seconds. Doesn't look all that disgusted or anything really. Has a rather blank expression on his face.

"Would it matter if it was?"

"Of course it would! I mean, I don't know much about it but it'd explain some things to me." Luffy says, and Law knows he's thinking about the many times Law's snapped at him.

"It's complicated."

"Try me." Luffy says, almost intimidatingly. He swallows back the saliva in his mouth, though it feels like he's been deprived of all liquids for ages.

"Yeah. It is." Law says, and it takes every ounce of his being to get it out. But he does. And Luffy looks at him like he's terribly confused, mixed with sadness. Though he doesn't get why he'd be sad, he's not the one with this pain in the ass disorder.

"So like, what… how do you know? I mean, I don't really know what to ask or say here." Luffy says and Law appreciates the honesty. At least he's not freaking out on him, because Law has no idea how he'd deal with that.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean like, what _is _it? I guess?" Luffy asks, and it's all really new to him so he doesn't have a damn clue what to and what not to ask.

"You want me to explain it to you?" Law asks, eyebrows raised and his lips curl up into a smile that's just full of disbelief. Laughs and Luffy doesn't know what's so funny.

"Well, yeah. Just how you feel. If you're comfortable." He says, and Law contemplates it. And he's come this far, so hell. Why the fuck not?

"Well, I was diagnosed with Bipolar I, and-"

"There's more than one?" Luffy asks and he immediately bites his lip when he realizes he'd interrupted, but Law's not all that bothered.

"Yeah. One's more severe than the other. Anyways it's a constant change in my mood, like... one month I'll be severely depressed, a week later I'll be hypomanic for a couple days, then two weeks later I'll be manic for a week."

"Wait, wait what? Hypo-what? How do you know when you're… whatever you are?" Luffy asks, and his facial expression says shit, that was a bad way to word the question, but Law gets it. He doesn't want Luffy to start treating him any differently now just because he knows. Law sighs, gets ready for the heap of words he's going to have to choke out somehow. It's not all that bad, talking to someone.

"Yeah. When I'm hypomanic, I know because I start to think really fast and talk really fast and think that the people around me seem slow as snails and are as dumb as rocks. I... feel like I'm special like I'm on top of the world and no one can bring me down, until I get highly irritated by _every _single person around me." Law can feel his words get choked up and lodged in his throat but he thinks he needs to get it out. His psychiatrist has told him before it's not a bad thing to talk about it. What he has, and what it is.

"It's like nothing they do doesn't bother me. I get really angry easily and find myself fighting with everyone. Over everything. I also end up really sexual at that time and I'll fucking sleep with any stranger even though I would normally never do that. And sometimes I end up being really creative and that's how my room ended up with one bright yellow wall." He says, and Luffy looks at him, waiting for him to go on because he knows there's more. And for once, Law thanks god Luffy doesn't interrupt him. Because damn, he's been waiting for so long to get all this off his chest. So he continues. Taking a deep breath before he does, because even though he's finally opening up to Luffy, he's fucking scared. Out of his mind.

"When I'm manic, it's just really fucking weird. Abnormal. Not me. I'll buy fifteen boxes of cookies- and I don't even _like _cookies, but I'll buy them anyways because who knows, one day I might need _fifteen fucking boxes _of _cookies__. _And I'll laugh at anything that isn't funny and just be full on out-of-control happy. I laughed at my parents fucking _funeral, _everyone thought I was crazy." He says, laughs a bit at the morbid memory.

"And then when I'm depressed... I know it because I'll spontaneously cry throughout the day and during the night I get little to no sleep and think of every single possible thing about me that makes me an utterly shitty human being who deserves nothing but to die. It's like the end of the world and I want to give up on everything." Law has to stop midway, take a few deep breaths and really, he never imagined it'd be this hard. To tell Luffy. He's so easy to talk to it just seems ridiculous on his end he's even having anxiety about his anxieties.

"I uh, don't see people, I don't answer the phone I don't do anything. I feel so fucking overwhelmed I can't get out of the house." Law goes on regardless, almost feels himself start to shake.

"When I was in school I wouldn't be able to do my homework for weeks at a time because my mind was so fucking clouded with depression." He says and the look on Luffy's face makes it seem like he's put two and two together and now knows why Law dropped out. Or at least one of the reasons behind it. And he looks sad. Also looks like he's never heard Law talk so much in his life and quite frankly, neither has he.

"Don't look sad. It's life." He says, and he should really take his own advice but he knows he's not going to. Luffy still looks at him, blinks a couple times as if he were holding back tears of some kind and Law sighs.

"I… I get help. Kind of. I have medication for it. I take it everyday, and it takes time but I'm taking it. And I see my psychiatrist a lot so, so that helps. And I'm supposed to start following a strict daily schedule to help minimize my symptoms too so, so it's good. It's okay. I'll keep fighting it." He says, gives a small smile because he really wants to believe it too. And it's kind of funny the way words come out when he's being honest. He doesn't want to give up, that much is obvious. Shit just becomes too overwhelming sometimes. But when Luffy doesn't respond, which for him, is really unusual Law feels unsettling.

"You don't have to understand it all in one go, I know it's kind of crazy-"

"No, no! I'm just… I didn't know. So I'm just trying to make sense of it." Luffy says and he really does look like he's trying to take it all in. Granted Law's only ever seen Rocinante look the same way, so that's what he assumes he's doing.

"So you, you sometimes just feel sad, then feel really happy, then feel really mad?" Luffy asks and well, yeah.

"To put it in simpler terms." Law says and Luffy nods, like he's got it down. Good for him.

"I'm sorry." Luffy apologizes, and Law has no idea why, but he nods back. Accepting the apology for whatever it is Luffy figures he should apologize for.

"It's nothing you can change. But now you know."

"Is there anything I can do? I mean, aren't I supposed to do something?" Luffy asks and fidgets like he's supposed to console him or get him something to eat.

"Like what?" Law asks, because he can't think of anything either. There's nothing for him to do but just be there for him really.

"I don't know, I don't know how to deal or act-"

"Just be you. I don't expect you to change for my sake, there's nothing wrong with the way you act towards me." Law says and Luffy lets out a huge breath, like he'd been holding it in anxiously waiting for Law to say what he'd just said.

"Okay. Okay! That doesn't change anything, does it? Because that's all? You're not so complicated. Don't take it personally- I mean, you're still Law! You're you, I'm me, we're cool!" Luffy says excitedly, leans over and kisses him quickly but softly on the lips and pulls back, big smile stretched across his face. And Law's kind of in shock he's not asking more questions about it. He figures he thinks it's private, and that Law's shared more than enough for today. He smiles.

Saves the story telling for another day.

"Yeah, we're cool."

* * *

It's about four, maybe five in the morning. Law doesn't know and shit, Luffy doesn't really care. When Law had told him he wasn't going to be able to sleep tonight, that he just _felt _he wouldn't, Luffy didn't pass up the opportunity to stay up with him. Kind of like a sleepover. A really, _really _adult like sleepover.

Law kisses up and down his neck, loving every little whimper he gets out of Luffy when he does. Pulls back when Luffy calls out his name and looks at him. And Luffy notes he's never had anyone, ever look at him the way Law does. Especially now.

Luffy reaches out, cups the sides of Law's face in his small hands like they're the perfect fit, and he loves the way Law looks at him now.

"What?" Law asks, because Luffy looks like he's in an absolute daze.

"You look much more relaxed than when I first met you!" Luffy says with a smile that shoots straight through Law's chest.

"You're saying that _now?_ While I'm-" He says and Luffy laughs loudly. Law's almost too blunt.

"No! I mean you just look more you know... calm! And not uptight, like an asshole!" Luffy says, laughs while he does and Law kisses the side of his mouth while he giggles away.

"An asshole, huh?" Law questions, raises an eyebrow. Wants to know what Luffy's talking about, how he saw him.

"Yeah you know like _'touch me and I'll beat you up' _vibe!" Luffy tells him, and he's not exactly wrong. He thinks he looks more like a scared animal when he goes out sometimes though. He'll never admit to that. Smiles and gives him another kiss before pulling back.

"I wanted to. To beat you to a _pulp," _Law says and gives Luffy a deep and hard thrust, making Luffy's hands slide up to fist Law's hair as he throws his head back, buries it into the pillow under him. Hard enough to leave it's indent even if he were to move.

"Because you didn't let me die, you're really something else." Law says breathlessly, grunts and repeats the motion. Luffy letting out pleasurable moans that only rile Law up even more.

"You wouldn't _punch _me," Luffy says into his ear, wraps his arms around his neck and brings him down. Holds him as tight as he can while Law pounds into him with need and greed. Acting on selflessness and selfishness, his emotions are a mess and Luffy's going to be held responsible.

"I know… I can't," Law says back, into Luffy's ear now, hot breath against his skin damped by sweat. Cool enough to give him goose bumps.

And then it's silent, neither of them speaking the way they were before. Just moans of the others name, and strenuous curses at God. Law pushing into him at the most incredible angle that he knows will hit Luffy just right, right enough and so perfectly to send him over the edge.

"Oh my god Law, holy shit," Luffy shouts, squeezing his eyes shut and drops his jaw open. Not breathing from his mouth, he just can't keep himself to keep it closed no matter how hard he bites down on his bottom lip. Law himself feeling like he's about to explode with his own orgasm reaching, thinks his entire being will disintegrate with it too. It's that intense.

Luffy tilts his head back, neck exposed and law goes in for the kill like he's the predator and Luffy's his prey. Thrusts don't falter while his mouth, teeth and all, play at Luffy's neck. Marks him so there's something pretty and purple to look at in the morning. Something to be a constant reminder of this.

Luffy's sweet breathless moans of his name drive him crazy. How ridiculously sensual he can make his name sound and how much he fucking loves hearing it like that thinks he should talk with him about how he should say his name like that all the time.

Doesn't think Luffy would mind, all things considering.

"Fuck fuck fuck, Law!" Luffy says, digs his nails into the back of Law's neck and cries out in pleasure he's never felt before its a whole different thing with law this time and he's loving every bit of it. Loves that it's not always the same thing.

That'd be boring and Luffy doesn't do boring.

It's hot and passionate each time. The sex. The "love making". Luffy thinks it can't get any better than this. That his mind is already so blank, and his vision is so damn spotty, it couldn't possibly get better. He's already on the highest cloud at the peak of a mountain. But he couldn't be more wrong.

Laws hands dig into his hips, lifts him up and slides his knees underneath to prop Luffy up. Gives him one hard thrust that's deep enough to make Luffy's eyes pop out of his sockets.

"Oh god oh fuck please do that again please," He says but Law doesn't move just yet. He looks down at him, like he can't wait to devour him. As if he weren't already doing that. Stares at Luffy's lips because they look so fucking beautiful, all swollen and wet. Practically begging for Law to kiss him. Kiss the life out of him.

Presses his mouth against Luffy's, hard. Their tongues not wasting any time in sliding around, Luffy trying to pull back every time law hits his prostate dead on, which is every time. He's got no clue how Law's so fucking good, so fucking perfect, but he'll question it later when he's coherent. He'll just take in every shock of pleasure that ripples through his body because that's all he can do now.

That's all he really wants to do. To be Law's.

And he is, he really is. He wouldn't have it any other way. Law as well thinking he doesn't know how he got so lucky.

"Law oh _fuck,_" Luffy gets out, pushes himself up against Law's abdomen because he need the friction and his hands are too busy holding onto law for his dear life.

"Yeah, could you come like this? Without me touching you?" Law says and he makes it sound so fucking hot, Luffy can't find it in him to care. Just bites down on his lip and tries to push himself up against Law again but he doesn't let him. Just leaves him there, cock rock hard and painfully throbbing, begging for release while he pounds into him faster. More relentless than ever before. Luffy's too shaky to think for himself. To do anything to himself. Just holds Law and gives the occasional tug of his hair.

Law kisses his neck a couple times, let's out his own grunts mixed together with Luffy's name into his ear and whispers how good he feels. How he just seems to suck him back in every time he pulls back. How needy he is and how he'll fuck him so hard and raw he'll end up a mess when they're done.

"You can come you know..." He whispers and Luffy's breathing hitches. It makes Law smirk into his neck, bites at his skin a bit harder than before and licks over the area that'll bruise in the morning. Can't wait to see that pretty shade of purple.

"Fuck... you..." Luffy gets out. And yeah, that's what he's doing. Teasingly dips his abdomen lower to brush over Luffy;s cock and it's good enough to send him into overdrive. To make Luffy so fucking eager to come it's almost second nature to breathing. Which he can't even do that now, if anything it's the last thing he's got on his mind.

Law's only feeling and all he knows is Luffy. Mind completely wiped and overrun, rewired by desire to suit Luffy and only him. He's been intimate with his fair share of people, but no ones ever compared to this. This intensity he has with Luffy.

And maybe it's his desperate needy self, calling out for comfort and safety that he knows is guaranteed. Maybe it's because Luffy took him in, told him he cared for him and showed it the way Law could believe he was telling the truth. Maybe it's the way Luffy calls out Law's name, loving every bit of it he thinks he could never go on it Luffy ever came to hate him. Thinks he'll do everything, anything for him. Anything to keep him by his side.

Law repeats the motion, Luffy gasping for air and it only takes a few more of laws vigorous thrusts to give him the push he needed.

"Law oh fuck, fuck!" Luffy shouts, loud into his ear and he holds him tight, as close as two people can physically get while Luffy shakes under him. Comes hard and onto his stomach. A bit on Law's abdomen as well, but he doesn't care. Law biting at his own lip at the sight of it, the look on Luffy's face looks like it could kill. It's to die for. The face of an angel.

Luffy's hands slide to laws cheeks pulls him down and kisses him hard before Law's own orgasm washes over him, pulls back to breathe but Luffy doesn't let him go. Grinds into Luffy, enjoying it out. Lazily kisses him, feels Luffy smiling into it.

* * *

He wonders why it's him that has this chance with Luffy, when it could be someone better. It should be someone better. Thinks that Luffy deserves all the love in the world and he's worried he can't meet that. Brushes his thumb across Luffy's cheek, Luffy pressing himself into Law's palm. He sighs, pulls his hand away and Luffy looks hurt he'd do such a thing.

"You deserve better." He says, can't hide the sadness in his voice. Doesn't turn away or anything, he still looks into Luffy's eyes. Luffy's legs still tangled with his own.

"That's not true." Luffy says, furrows his brows because he doesn't know why Law's saying this now. Why he's acting like this.

"It is. I do nothing but fuck around and mess with people's feelings because I'm so unsure of my own. One day I'll love you, cherish you, and want to make you the happiest person in the world. And the next day I'll get irritated with every damn thing you do. It's a cycle that has no end. It'll _never _end, Luffy. How am I supposed to give you what you deserve like that? I'm not dependable and I have nothing to give you."

"Law I don't want anything from you! I'm here because I want to be there for you! You try and I'm super proud of you for it okay?! I'm not leaving so I don't want you to keep thinking about what or who I deserve! I'm not going to settle for anyone other than you anyways, so deal with it." Luffy says back, stern with his reply. Law's never felt the urge to punch and kiss his face at the same time before. Just stares at him before sighing, because he knows how damned stubborn he is. Even if he tells him to leave before it gets really serious, he won't. It's probably way past that line now anyways.

Luffy gives him a big smile, like he's happy to be there. To be with him. Gives him a hard kiss and snuggles into his chest. Wraps his arms around Law's waist and Law does the same. Holds him tight, never wants to let go. At least he's honest like that.

"You drive me crazy." Law says quietly, but Luffy's able to hear it. Just laughs into Law, holds him tighter and Law can practically feel his smile being indented onto his chest.


	9. Growth

**TRIGGER WARNINGS: **None.

* * *

Law's entire existence feels like a barren wasteland and he's strongly considering doing something about it. Which really comes to him as a surprise because he'd usually just sit his ass down on the couch or his bed. Waste the day away. But there's been too many of those.

He's been deliberating with himself. Mostly on whether or not he should try to enrol in school again. Since he's on proper medication it seems like it could be a good idea at least so he'll also get out of the house a lot more than he does now, which is usually only when Luffy drags his ass out for whatever damn reason. Be it to grab food or Luffy suggesting they go to an art gallery for fuck knows what reason. Said it was free entrance after six. Sounded good.

And he'd like to be able to spend more of his time with Luffy as well, maybe even take a course with him. Who knows? He's really hopeful at the moment and doesn't know where urge to do things for him came from but figures he should make the best out of the opportunity he has. But still through all the thinking he's done he's still unsure about it. Doesn't want it to end up bad again. Doesn't want to hear his professors concern when they ask why he hasn't been handing in work and how it's possible a high nineties student just drastically drops down to the mid forties at best.

Law's only real concern being whether he can do it. Whether he can manage. And sometimes he thinks he can, that maybe it was just one bad patch and he might have overreacted by dropping out. So maybe, just _maybe, _it'll end up better. But as much as he hates to admit it, he's got nearly no confidence in himself ever graduating with any sort of degree and going to any kind of high level medical school which he had dreamed about doing because of his father.

Doesn't like to dwell on the past anymore and thinks Luffy's really fucking changed him. The stupid, bright, and witty goofball he's come to adore and really treasure, has made him a softie. Sits there and lightly taps on the track pad of his laptop, browser open to the universities applications page and it's all right there in front of him and he could do it.

He could fill it out right now with all the information necessary and send the sucker in, pray he gets messaged back or even better just straight pass right through and get an acceptance package. Or even just get called in for an interview, magically nail it and gets in, goes to school for the remaining two years and graduates. It all seems like a really great dream that he can almost taste.

So he does. Has never typed anything out so damn quick in his life.

And he feels really good about it too. Bites on his bottom lip but that's just his anxiety kicking in. Refuses to let it break down the door to his really good mood right now. It can wait, it can fucking wait. Just a couple more boxes to fill in.

Stares at the page for what seems like an eternity. Reads over every line, checks every box.

Decides in that moment that it's best he doesn't tell anyone about it until he hears back. Wouldn't want to get anyone else's hopes up just incase they do reject him.

And he really doesn't see why they wouldn't. Thinks they'll probably read his application, notice just the time stamp on it, five thirty-four in the morning, and think he's just outright nuts. Or he's one to leave things to the last minute, rushing to get his form in for the next semester. He doesn't even know if they take applications for then this late, considers changing his enrolment for next year, but really thinks if he starts while he feels good it'll be better. So he leaves it at that.

Before his mind starts betraying him again, he takes a deep breath. Hits submit. See's a little message pop up on the next page with a conformation it'd been sent, and that he should hear back soon.

It's like a weight lifted off his chest, while he's also being hit by incoming bricks or rocks or something. Doesn't know, it's just something heavy. He knows he's going to end up being impatient as hell until he gets something back. Bounces his leg up and down, shakes the laptop. Laughs at himself because he thinks he's an idiot for thinking they'd reply instantly and just say 'HEY! You're in!' after… forty six seconds.

He thinks he should sleep now, but there's no way his anxiety will let him.

* * *

Since Law tells Luffy it's too early for his damn brunch, Luffy suggests they go out for a simple breakfast at the cafe the usually go to instead. Law meeting him there and spots him the second he walks in the door can't help the smile that creeps up onto his face.

Makes his way over and there's another painfully familiar face just two tables away from Luffy, sitting at his laptop and typing away is Kid. The day looked promising but couldn't be off to a much worse start.

Turns his attention back to look at Luffy and make his way to the table he's sitting at when he notices Kid look at him out of the corner of his eye. Thinks shit that's just great now he has to pray triple the amount and hope God keeps Kid as far away as fucking possible from him.

Thinks there are hundreds of cafes so why this fucking one specifically he had to choose, is beyond him.

"Good morning!" Luffy exclaims, face like sunshine it's holy, and maybe Luffy's his God sent angel who'll keep everything bad away.

"Morning." He replies, sits down and Luffy takes his hand and kisses the back of his palm as discreetly as he can knows laws not too big on PDA but loves to show his affection so he tries so do things subtly and Law smiles, appreciates the gesture.

Law's not sitting on the side of the table that'd allow him to make awkward occasional eye contact with Kid and he thanks Luffy for that mentally, but swears it's just as bad sitting on the other side. The feeling of Kid's eyes burn into the back of his skull. Distracts himself asks him if Luffy knows what he wants to eat, of course he does.

"They have pancakes today, so _of course_ I'm getting some."

"_Of course_."

"You should too, they've even got some with chocolate chips in 'em." Luffy eyes the menu, can't believe there's such a wide variety of freakin' pancakes it's like heaven on earth to him right now.

And Law wishes he could be just as enthusiastic as Luffy is over the fried batter but he's too busy being paranoid about Kid only a couple feet away from him. Luffy easily notices his put off mood, finds it endearing Law would still try to hide how he feels from him.

"What's wrong?"

"What? Nothing, you want pancakes right?" Law asks, tries to change the subject but Luffy frowns. Doesn't like it when he keeps things from him.

"Nothing really. Just some guy over there I used to know is all." Law tells him, points a finger behind him and Luffy _tries _to be discreet about it, Law _tries _to think it is. Tilts his head to the side and looks past Law to see a redhead aggressively typing on a laptop who looks up and makes very brief eye contact with Luffy, the younger snapping his head back and saying 'shit'.

"What?"

"I think he _may_ or may not have made eye contact with me?" Luffy suggests and Law raises an eyebrow. It's one or the other.

"Okay, I'm _pretty_ sure he stared me dead in the eyes and looked like he was about to come kill me! Who is he?" Luffy asks because he can't picture Law hanging around some hooligan looking redhead.

"Doesn't matter. Are you going to go order or what?" Law asks and Luffy shoots up, grabs his phone and runs for the line. Law's not even sure if he knows what he wants but figures he'll end up eating whatever it is Luffy comes back with anyways.

Waits for a couple of minutes and flips through his phone. See's a bunch of messages from Rocinante he hasn't replied to, so he does that. Goes through his photos and sees _at least_ 200 of Luffy making every possible stupid looking face and almost chokes on his own spit trying to hold back his laughter. Each one worse than the previous. Turns to flash Luffy his phone screen with his personal favourite, nearly drops his phone when he see's Kid _staring _at him. Guy doesn't know the meaning of discreet any more than Luffy does.

Heart sinks into his stomach, doesn't know what to do. Body just tells him to get the hell up and see what's going on. Mind tells him to be rational, that he should probably just turn back around and pretend he's just another stranger. But that's the problem. That he isn't, and Law's too much of a stubborn fucking bastard to let it go. Gets up and walks over to Kid's table, not really caring if he causes them to lose their own table either.

"What do you want?" Straight forward and to the point.

"I haven't even said anything to you, Law."

"You keep fucking staring like you want to, so what the hell is it?" Law pretty much demands and Kid sighs, looks at the chair in front of him like he wants Law to fucking sit with him and they'll have a nice chat over a cup of coffee.

"You think you can beat him to a bloody pulp too?" Law asks, referring to Luffy because he knows the way Kid looks at people, clued in with the way Luffy described his facial expression.

"That's not fair Law, that was in high school." Kid says like it was all a big misunderstanding and that because they were young, they didn't know what they were doing. All just a big. Fucking. Mistake.

"You think that makes it any more okay?" He asks, furrows his brows in disbelief. Sounds even more pathetic when he actually hears Kid sigh after saying it.

"I already apologized-"

"And I already told you it doesn't mean shit to me." Law intervenes. He's got about zero interest to listen to him try to pitch his apology once again, and watches Kid roll his eyes in frustration. The way he used to when Law would get on his nerves before.

"Now you're just being childish." Kid says and Law laughs, a full throaty laugh that sounds delirious enough to scare even him.

"Oh that's rich coming from you, _Kid." _

"What the hell do you want me to do get on my knees and grovel?"

"I don't want you to do anything but get out of my face." Law says, Kid noticeably closer to him than before and he's just waiting to see if Kid will swing first before he pounds his own fist into his skull.

"Law-"

"I never once did _anything _wrong to you. Ever. And you treated me like a piece of gum you stepped on." Law can feel himself getting heated now, doesn't even want to breathe the same air as Kid.

"I didn't know how to deal with the situation!" Law thinks it sounds like just another pathetic excuse.

"It's not your situation to deal with in the first place! You're not the one who has to fucking _deal, _I just needed you, my _best friend, _to be there for me and you weren't!" Law's shouting now, grabs the attention of a couple of children and their parents to the left, and an old elderly couple.

"I tried-"

"Yeah, your trying was about as good as my fucking attempt at jumping in front of a car, Kid." Law tells him, sick of his self centered shit. It was never about him, Law doesn't know why he fucking insists he had some major role to play. All he had to do was lend an ear.

"At least I _tried. _You were up and ready to end your own life for _what? _You never tried either! Did you think about how it'd effect us?!"

"Why the fuck would I?! Depression isn't a fucking piece of cotton candy, you don't share that shit with all your friends! It's _my _illness, my _mental _illness, not _ours _mental illness, you dumbass." Law's beginning to think even talking to Kid doesn't work. The guy only knows how to communicate through his fists.

"I mean seriously, Law, how the fuck was I supposed to take any of that?" He asks him like he'd just told him he'd committed a murder. It's annoying. The way he tries to turn the tables and make himself the victim.

"Sure as hell didn't expect you to the way you did." Law spits and he can practically see a vein in Kid's forehead pop out. Like he has some _right _to be angry.

"How the fuck would you have reacted if I just dropped a bomb like that on you?!"

"I don't fucking know, I sure as hell wouldn't have gathered up all our friends and made them think you were a god damn _psycho!" _He shouts, and some old woman walks up to their table, tells them to keep it the fuck down, or she'll contact staff to escort them out for being such a damn nuisance at 10 in the morning. Walks away with that and Law couldn't be any more pissed off. The whole ordeal really setting up his mood for the rest of the day which given, is now going to be _terrible. _

"Is everything okay?" Luffy asks, comes up from behind him and Law says it's fine. He nods and hands Law his coffee. Eyes Kid and tries to make out the situation.

"Look I just want you to know I am sorry and I can never forgive myself, so I know there's no way you could fully-"

"_Fully_? Kid you-" Law starts but feels a tug on his shirt that for some reason is enough to shut him up.

Luffy pulls him back as a gesture to let Kid talk. And Kid nods as a way to say his thanks but Luffy doesn't really want it and Kid knows he's not doing this for him but for Law because whatever it is they've got going on Luffy clearly cares for him. And Kids not an idiot by any means, at least not anymore, and he's able to realize that.

"I know I can't take back what we all did to you. Believe me if there was a way I could I would, but it was years ago and again, I'm not asking us to become best buddies, but at least put it behind us." He says and Luffy drinks his own hot chocolate, glances to the side to see Law's face and he sighs.

"I don't care. It's behind me whatever, I couldn't care less. You know, you act so high and fucking mighty all the time. Like all of this, was _my _fault. And you know, it's not. It's yours. All of you. Who the fuck thinks that doing what you all did was the better way to approach the situation? Which, wasn't even a fucking _situation _to begin with. God." Law tells him and both Kid and Luffy look at him suspiciously because it's hard to believe he's just going to tuck it away in the back of his mind. Though obviously not as easily as he'd hoped. And Law himself can't believe it either, blames it on Luffy's presence, otherwise he might have thrown a couple of punches and gotten kicked out, if not arrested for returning the physical assault.

"Law, you know I'm fucking sorry for it. And if I could-" Kid's obvious sincerity is shown on his face but Law's just so _tired. _

"You'd take it back, yeah I fucking know, you're like a god damn record." Law groans, just wants it all to be over with. To go back and have his damned pancakes with Luffy. Who is just standing there, listening in on this petty drama, Law thinks he could fit in on the real housewives, because shit. He's got about as much problems as those women, and he'll drink just as much wine, too. Thinks he's grown a bit since meeting Luffy. Can very literally see the effect.

Kid doesn't take the line all too personally, knows he pretty much deserves it and shit, at least he knows that much. Because the guy definitely deserves worse than just a jab to his inflated ego.

"Really Law, I know Bonney is going to be really happy about this. She's missed you a lot." Kid tells him and he nods. He has missed his old friends a lot as well but it's no conciliation. By no means does it make them all the best of friends like before and it'll probably never go back to being the way it was before either.

Luffy smiles and tugs on Law's shirt, nudges his head in the direction of their table and suggests they should head back. Their table, that's surprisingly still empty considering how crowded it is. Wants to get Law away before anything else comes up and puts a change on his mood and he agrees. Kid handing him a piece of paper with his number on it, as well as Bonney's for Law to use if he ever needs to, not that he expects him to though and Law takes it, stuffs it in his pocket and walks back to his table with Luffy after that.

* * *

Luffy just watches Law just stare down at the table. The two of them sitting in silence. Eyes locked on his cup of coffee he hasn't touched in over ten minutes. Doesn't want to say anything but doesn't like the quiet either.

"Law?" Luffy finds himself curious about what the reasoning behind Law and Kid's discussion was. Doesn't really know if Law will tell him but it's worth a try.

"Hm?"

"What did they do to you?" Luffy asks and Law's really quiet. The only sounds are of cars driving along the sleet on the road outside and other people sitting in the café chatting.

"Pretty much used me as their personal punching bag. Very literally." Law tells him, and Luffy clues in to what he's trying to say. That they beat him up and it makes Luffy wish he hadn't given Kid even two seconds to speak and wants to walk back and give him a taste of his own medicine.

"It's okay you don't have to be so angry. I'm fine now right? Not hurt or bloody so leave it." Law says and hurt is one thing, a couple of bruises and maybe a broken bone if it's that bad but fucking bloody is another thing and it only pisses Luffy off even more.

"_Bloody?!" _Law thinks Luffy's too loud for his own good.

"Just drop it."

"If they were your friends why would they do that to you?!" Luffy doesn't know the meaning of letting something go. Law sighs and takes a sip of his coffee. Watches Luffy's eyes practically burst into flames, looks like even he could jump over him and punch Kid in the face. He wouldn't mind seeing that.

"As if I know. Guess the term 'friends' was only in _my_ vocabulary." Law just would much rather _not _go into detail. Especially not in some café where he's sure a couple of people have heard them talk already. Can very much feel the awkward glances at him and Luffy, earlier as well towards him and Kid.

"I want to beat his ass real bad." Luffy mumbles and Law smiles at him because he thinks it's cute. That Luffy's all protective.

"You and me both, but seriously. Just leave it now, okay? It's not worth it." Law can't believe the words are coming out of his own mouth because just a day ago if he'd seen Kid he probably would have flipped out way worse than today. And would have maybe tossed in a couple of his own hits. Watches the waitress bring over two large plates of pancakes and set them down, the two stopping their conversation to say thank you. Also makes sure to ask his are gluten free, because he knows the chance of Luffy remembering were... slim. She nods and Law sees a smile as bright as the sun come from him, but then Luffy finds the need to go on.

"Fine. But if he looks at you funny-"

"Yeah, throw hands." Law says sarcastically and Luffy laughs, throws some punches in the air. He means business.

* * *

**A/N:** Apologies for the short and rather simple chapter! I'll make it up to you, I swear. This is definitely the calm before the storm. Thank you for your kind words and feedback, look forward to hearing from you on this one as well! All the love. ~S


	10. Quietude

**TRIGGER WARNINGS: **Torture, Attempted Suicide (will also say anxiety is really prominent in this chapter too, as well as depression, so...).

* * *

Luffy's gone out of town with his friends. Law's left all to his lonesome, and he forgot how ridiculously crazy the quiet and being alone drives him. Absolutely hates it. Actually can't think of anything he despises more at this moment, this minute, this _second, _than the quiet.

The police sirens outside do _not _count. Background noise is well, background noise. It's actually the craziest thing to him, that he can pick out each noise coming through his window and in a way, raise the volume. Hears maybe teenagers, shouting and laughing at each other. Some homeless man telling those teenagers to believe in god, at the top of his lungs, no less. He sounds very determined.

Kind of misses hearing Luffy run around and shout at him that there's only one steak left in his fridge, rather than the god damn _six _he thought that Law had. Law doesn't even eat meat. It's all just Luffy. Stocks up on that shit like he's preparing for an apocalypse. And damn it, it isn't even his place. He's just at Law's _that often. _

Not now though, he's out. Celebrating fuck knows which friend's birthday with all his other little acquaintances. Law's happy at least he got to get out of this shit hole of a city, even if its only for a few nights.

And while he's glad Luffy's out having the time of his life with Jane and John doe, he on the other hand is _not. _

It's the worst night he's had in a while. Everything feels like it's coming crashing down around him. Everything that he's done up until now has been for nothing, it was all faulty. The nails weren't hammered into the foundation properly. There's nothing protecting him from anything anymore. Every thought hits him like a jab. Even wraps his arms around his stomach, feels so sick he could throw up all over the table in front of him any second.

How he's not good enough. He'll never be good enough. That even now, all he's doing is going day by day, night by night. It's not good enough. He wants to be better; he wants his life to be _better. _But he feels like he's one step away from a straitjacket. The reasonable side of his mind tells him that he is indeed, losing it, so he must be.

But really, it's so damn hard for him to do it. To be better. To keep at this strenuous day by day lifestyle that isn't even a fucking lifestyle. It's just waking up to his nightmares in the middle of the night- when he _does _sleep, doing fuck knows what to pass the day and then repeat. Hardly eats, hardly sleeps, hardly _lives. _

So it's not that big of a deal, right? That he could really just end it all right now.

There's no sound other than his sobs, echoes throughout the apartment, kind of taunting him. Reminds him he's alone and he's got about… no one.

He's not all lost though, really. He looks at his phone, dials Luffy's number because he knows if not Rocinante, Luffy's the next best thing. He knows how to put a smile on his face, how to untwist his emotions. Heart thumps loud in his ears along with every ring and it's taking way too long.

"_Hey-"_

"Luffy." He can't even speak. Just calls out Luffy's name and it sounds so disgustingly needy.

"_Yeah? Law?" _He hears Luffy continue to call out his name, can hardly hear it through such loud shouting in the background. Completely forgets about the stupid birthday. Shit.

"_Law?" _Asks again, and he's all choked up.

"Yeah?"

"_Yeah? Yeah what? You called me. Are you okay?" _Right, he did. But no. No he's not. His need to find the nearest hole or cave and just rot the rest of his life away in complete solitude is unhealthy, to say the least. But it'll be a day the devil laughs before he up and tells Luffy that, through the _phone, _while he's at a _party, _no less.

"I- yeah. I'm okay." Law doesn't even think he sounds convincing, has no clue if Luffy buys it.

"_Are you sure? __Do you need me to come back?"_ He offers, Law strongly considers taking him up on it. But that lingering thought and annoying voice shouting at him, _'you're a burden', _it says, leads him to say otherwise.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I don't want to ruin your trip. I'm okay." Lies right through his teeth, almost like it's second nature. What he knows best has come down to breathing and lying to the one person who's actually _really _given a damn about him. And sometimes he can't even breathe right, so it's just lying. He's just the embodiment of lies. A liar. Liar, liar, liar.

"_Promise?" _ Luffy asks through the phone, like a child. He'll just give him what he wants to hear.

"Yeah, promise." Law thinks he's becoming quite cunning for his age. If he were ever to live to be an old man, he's sure he'd be one hell of a smart ass at the park playing chess with some random teenager. Going on about his life story. Which will probably bore the kid, he thinks. Maybe he'll skip out on it.

"_Law!" _Luffy nearly shouts into his ear. He's a little too busy with his head in the clouds.

"Sorry, what?"

"_I said 'stay safe' okay?"_ Luffy repeats and Law only _wishes. _The biggest threat to his… _safety, _is probably himself.

"Okay." Again, lies rolling off his tongue like saliva.

Hears Luffy tell him he'll be back soon and _apologize _for leaving through drunken slurs in the background that are louder than Luffy. Shockingly.

Gives him a simple hum, and somehow the apology makes him feel about… ten times worse, with another ten added to that.

Like Luffy practically dropped a bomb on him. Contains a serum of some kind thats strong enough to drop his already rock bottom mood down, _way down, _to the pits of hell. And it burns. Go figure, who'd have thought? Shit was like fucking common sense. And apparently, next to breathing and lying, comes his impending anxiety. Which he does, _wonderfully. _

Should get a trophy for worlds quickest leg shaker because, his legs are shaking uncontrollably. As he bounces both of them up and down while his index finger goes back and forth against the chapped- or more so healing, skin of his bottom lip he'd chewed up while biting down as hard as he possibly could.

Is certain his voice has to sound shaky but with such loud noises in the background he figures Luffy's not going to pick up on it.

His stupidity leaves him to say he shouldn't be sorry- which he _shouldn't. _Law's not trying to tie him down, he's 19. He should be able to go out to fuck knows what city and do fuck knows what with fuck knows who.

And… Law's the biggest fucking idiot. Gives himself a gold star in _'how to make your panic attacks have panic attacks' _and can _very _literally feel rattling in his bones. Like the little tremors before an earthquake. The shake of the land before a tsunami hits. Little crashes of waves onto the beach shore. Though there's nothing little about how hard anything he thinks of hits him. Wishes he'd shut up, or at least the annoying voice in his head.

He's yet to hang up, just listens to the long continuous beep that goes on for five, maybe six, minutes after Luffy says goodbye and hangs up. There goes his super not so foolproof plan to get Luffy to calm him down. In fact, has made his anxiety worsen ten fold. He's so damned tired of feeling like this it's beyond unfair, it's just a punishment now. For what, he doesn't know. He'd like to though. Like to know what exactly he did to deserve to feel this utterly hopeless and just down right repulsive excuse of a human being. Wastes his life in more ways than he can count.

His anxiety is more or less like a ridiculously large ocean wave, the kinds that only happen a few times a day and are _amazing- _so he thinks- to surf on if you're that skilled. And He can't stop the ocean wave. So naturally, the wise thing to do would be to grab a surfboard and ride the tide. To let himself feel, rather than trying to cut off all emotion.

Bitterly laughs to himself because it's got to be the funniest thing he's told himself all day. All _month, _even. Knows damn well there's zero chance of that ever happening. Shakily makes his way to his bedroom and sits on the side of his bed. Legs hanging off and he shakily pops a couple of his sleeping pills. Rubs his sweaty palms on the bed sheet underneath him. It's a feeling Law had decided _way _back when, that he hated. The odd wetness that was anything but water. Just grossed him out. Throws his larger cover off the bed because his body heat is enough to keep him, and at least five families and their _dogs_ warm. Lays down and the sheets are cool through his shirt, he can feel it chill his damp skin. Takes a deep breath and decides it'll be best to sleep it off.

It's always better to sleep things off.

Sleep is as close to being dead as it gets.

* * *

There's the sound of metal hitting metal. He thinks someone might be swinging a bat and hitting the walls loud enough to wake him up. Consider them successful. He's fucking awake. Now what do they want?

His normally tanned face is ghostly white, and his eyes are rather puffy. Right one swollen nearly to the point he can't keep it open for longer than a few seconds. His hairs stuck together by sweat that drips down his forehead and into the crease of his brows. Cries coming from his cracked lips result in nothing but echoes into the empty room. There's an IV in the crook of his left elbow with god knows what kind of chemicals in it.

He's sitting in the same chair as before. He looks down, and there are burn marks on his chest and arms, though most of his forearms are bandaged up and they're strapped down to the armrest with rope and zip ties. He can see that the blood that had seeped through had dried up. A dark red. And he's looking around, wondering which twisted abandoned warehouse or basement he's in this time. But it looks more like a factory. Utensils of all kind that he recognizes as a surgeons tools are bloody, but placed in a very organized manner on a silver tray.

He squeezes his eyes shut hard, refuses to open them up again. And it hurts like hell, mostly the swelling being pressed down. But a sharp pain in his thigh makes his lids fly open. He screams out in pain, then coughs violently, sending a few drops of blood onto the cement floor underneath him. He looks down again, this time seeing a scalpel buried deep in his quad. Blood running down his leg and making a gross feeling puddle under him, seeping through the thin pair of pants he doesn't recognize as his own.

There's no one around him, but he keeps feeling sharp objects impale him. Blood being spilt, he cries out. No one can hear him. There's no one there.

Or so he thinks.

He's sweating and crying. Shaking. He wants it to stop, for the person doing this to him to just end it and put him out of his misery. That's wishful thinking.

A hand creeps up from behind him and covers his nose and mouth with a cloth. He struggles, even tries to bite the hand through the fabric, but it's no use.

"Sweet dreams..." They say.

Law's already passed out.

He wakes up to darkness, feeling a cloth covering his eyes and it's just dark. He tries to get up but there's far too many things strapping him down to the table he's spread out on to move. Tries to call out to someone but its all mumbles through the cloth or gag strapped to keep him quiet. He's breathing violently through his nose, can't get enough oxygen to his brain to make any sense of what's happening.

There's a sharp feeling in both his arms. Needles, he assumes and then there's a rush of whatever he's being pumped with. He tries again, to call out for help or to make the people stop doing this to him.

One arm full of a barbiturate, thiopental. And the other full of a stimulant, amphetamine. He can't see anything but his mind is spiralling out of control. Until the blindfold is removed, and he forces his eyes open to see the room spinning and feel like his body is melting away into a puddle of nothingness. His mouth remains open, like he's about to say something but he can't. He's just gasping for air because he feels like he's about to die.

His psyche's locked into a brain-breaking cycle of waking dreams that drive him crazy. Breaking him in every way possible, his mind develops the sight of all the people he once knew and called his friends and family hovering over him, playing around with him like he's an experiment. He shrieks, body trembling whenever the cold touch of a tool grazes over his damaged skin.

See's his younger sister giggling, like the game going on is fun through his bloodshot eyes and pieces of hair damped with sweat. The feel of a burn is good to him, groaning in a way that'd indicate he was enjoying it. So it happens again, a man who looks a lot like Rocinante takes a hit of the cigarette before pressing it to his chest repeatedly.

And there's a question being asked in a low voice, he can't tell if its his own mind or if it's coming from one of the many people hurting him.

"What do you want, Law?" The voice asks him and it sounds so soothing, so relaxing and angelic he almost doesn't remember he's being fucked with.

"Tell me what you want." The voice asks again after getting no answer from him. He's seeing stars, the moon, and the galaxy, all on the ceiling. It's quite a sight.

And he doesn't hold back, tells whoever it is that wants to know exactly what he wants.

"To die." He tries to say, but it comes out as nothing but a throaty bark from his gut.

But it's too much of a far-fetched wish; he's stuck in the twilight zone.

* * *

Wakes up with a loud groan and jolt, feels like he's jumped up so quick he could do some serious damage if it were a headbutt.

His hands shakily go for the insides of his elbows. No needles. Rubs his face and flops back down, buries his head into the underside of his pillows. The cold touch of the fabric sends shivers down his spine. Fucking _hates _the way his mind tortures him like this. Literally.

Really, it's obvious today is just one he'll add to the long list of many where he just wants to stay inside the house. It's safer that way. Not to mention he won't have to deal with the excruciatingly tiring effort he's got to put into actually getting up out of his seat, changing, then undressing and showering because he hasn't in a while. Dressing again, getting out of the house, it's all just a wasted effort. And he's just tired.

And he knows it's abnormal, to say the least. Doesn't take a genius to figure out that his pattern of living, his _"lifestyle", _isn't one that's working out and the sooner he change it, the better. That's beyond hard for someone as pessimistic as Law. Lets out a huge groan and just covers his face with his hands so the light peeking through his useless curtains don't burn into his eyelids.

His mind heeds the opposite of his wishes, doesn't leave him alone for more than a brief second without constant flashes of his nightmares and lists off possible things everyone could be doing to spite him. Like, what's Luffy doing right now? Is he hungover from over drinking himself even though Law told him to be careful? Is he waking up in some _strangers _bed? Is he even thinking about Law in the slightest?

It fucking drives him crazy.

Seeing his old friends carry on and live their happy lives, do what they've got their mind and heart dead set on is an annoying reminder of how he's bipolar and that kind of stability is nothing but some crazy out of the world desire he'll never have.

He wants to be left alone now. Not that he _wants _to be all by himself, he just wants everyone and everything to disappear. Doesn't want to go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything. Because no matter what he does, people are going to tell him he's doing something wrong. Or that he's not putting enough effort into what he _is _trying to do. That his _trying _isn't good enough, it's just not up to their standards. So he'll be a coward, he doesn't care, it's easier to hide.

Waiting for the bus, being cramped up against equally angry people who despise the strange personal contact, waiting in the office for his name to be called out of his psychiatrists mouth for the millionth time, and all other negative things. Every possible downside of something as simple as going to his routinely check ups and meetings, leaves him dreading the idea of doing _anything. _Even if it's for his own benefit.

Just lays in his bed and stares up at the ceiling through open fingers and feels nauseous at the thought of doing stuff. Stuff, things, it's all just… not for him. He's not suited, not mentally _stable. _Can't even hold down a job because depression crawls up his spine and rattles it in the middle of a discussion with a patient. Clearly not cut out for any sort of medical suited lifestyle because, well, he's sick.

He'll end up thinking of himself as the patient more than he thinks of the actual patient sitting in front of him. Will have a headache one day and automatically jump to the conclusion that he does in fact have a tumour the size of pluto. Or have really bad muscle pain in his knee and it'll definitely be a ripped tendon, he'll have to be put in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Or something. It drives him to the absolute edge of a cliff, he's just waiting for it to crumble away under his feet. Watch it happen and not do a single thing to stop it. In fact, he'll probably encourage it.

Stomp down and jump around a little to induce the fall of Trafalgar Law.

* * *

His own body nearly takes him out by force, like his mind has no say in what he's doing for once. And he ends up going to his appointment anyways. His psychiatrist, looking happy and bright and it couldn't irritate him more at the moment.

He sits down, doesn't give so much as a hello, or good afternoon. Ask how her day is, he doesn't give a damn. He doesn't give a damn about anything. She walks over, it's all too quiet. She's usually bombarding him with questions. How his weekend was, if he did anything over the weekend, the weekend this, the weekend that.

He just wants quiet.

"How have you been feeling the past week Law?" She asks, and here she goes, he thinks.

"Bad. Really fucking bad." He says, and he's a mess. He hasn't fucked around with his skin, inflicting any pain on himself in a while. Just the question makes him anxious, going to pinch his skin but he sees her eyes dart to his hands, and just stuffs them in his pocket instead.

Doesn't she know it's rude to fucking stare?

"What's going on?" She says, like he fucking knows.

"I don't know. I just want the world to stop fucking spinning. I just want it to end."

"Want what to end, Law?" She asks him, and he knows she's asking specifically. Because that's her damn job. So sure, he'll be honest with her. Because at the end of the day, she deserves that at the very least for putting up with his blasted bullshit.

"My life. I just want it to fucking end already." He repeats himself, making her stare at him and he thinks for gods sake, if someone doesn't inform her that staring is the worst thing to do he fucking will. He feels like his heart could burst at any second, he's just waiting on it. For the countdown to hit 0:00.

"Do you have thoughts of hurting yourself or others?" She asks, and here come the long list of questions he'd had to listen to and answer the first time Rocinante had brought him in for an appointment. Or evaluation. Whatever it was, pissed him off. Even now thinking about it, really puts him in a bad mood.

"Others, no. I'm not crazy." He says, because he's not. He'd never do that. Himself on the other hand... "But I do want to do it to myself. I do, really badly." He admits and he can feel himself tense up under the intense watch of her eye. He can't make eye contact with her anymore, maintaining it feels like a bother. He's just lying back, saying how he feels. Thinking about how badly he wants to die.

Would jumping out the window kill him? The room was high enough, so maybe.

"Law, do you have a plan to commit suicide?" She asks, and it's like deja vu to him.

"Yeah, tons." He says, and it comes out sarcastically, but it's not. Because he really does have a long list. He's got plenty of ways to end his miserable life.

"Such as?" She asks, because he knows she wants him to be more specific. Needs to know if she should be worried, call someone and let them know he's a lunatic.

"I think I could do it by overdose. You know I have a ton of pills I've never taken. Or maybe I'll jump to it. It'll be just like flying, but with a more permanent destination." He says, looking out the window and he thinks he could be pretty deep right now. Someone should write a book on him. The stupid boy Law, and how he died. Both figuratively and literally, the special edition.

"Or _maybe,_ I'll cut my wrists so deep I'll bleed out on the bathroom floor. All over the white tile." Still not looking at her and he can feel the shift in the air when he hears her change the leg she's got crossed. Like she's uncomfortable listening to him.

She's the one who asked.

"Law, what do you think your suicide would achieve?" She says and he thinks she's doing a pretty damn good job at keeping herself composed. If it were anyone else, he was sure they'd leave. But that is her job.

"What the hell else would it do? I'd be free of this piece of shit I call my life. That's all I want. Everyone else would be better off anyways, I'm nothing but a burden."

"I'm sure that's not-"

"Don't fucking say it isn't true. It _is_ true. Whenever I tell someone I want to die they just play it off like I'm too much of a problem to be bothered with. It's better if I just fucking do it. Get it over with, get out of their way." He says, and it's funny to him. That he thinks he's still in people's way, when the majority of them have already left.

They're doing god knows what, being who knows how successful for themselves. Meanwhile what does he do? Go around fucking strangers and making the only person who's ever seemed to give a fuck about him miserable.

"Law, you must know deep down that isn't true. Do you truly believe that no one would care if you'd successfully taken your own life?" She asks and he doesn't even have to think. He knows his answer. Looks her dead in the eyes.

"Yes." He says, and he can even feel how dead his own eyes must look to her. How empty and utterly hopeless he is. And he just wants this shitty meeting to be over. So he can go home, to the quiet. Where no one's asking him fifty million questions about how he feels.

He's sick and tired of feeling.

He sits there, expression still and thinks of ways he could escape the room without her noticing. Thinks maybe if the phone were to ring, he could run out without her having a chance to follow. Because whoever's on the other end, is and always will be, more important.

But no such thing happens. The phone doesn't ring, she doesn't get up. Just sits there, writing things down and her mouth is moving but Law's not hearing anything. He doesn't want to talk. He wants to sleep. To sleep, and not be awoken by such terrorizing dreams that shake him to the core.

That's really all. A good nights sleep is all he wants.

But that's all Law does. He wants and wants, but he's got nothing to give. And that's not how the world works. You can't get and get without giving. Even Luffy told him that. Luffy. Of all people.

Luffy. He feels so shitty and needy for involving him. Thinks that car should have just hit him when he'd had the chance. Thinks he should have been one second faster, one step ahead.

Can't stop thinking about it.

His mind won't let him stop thinking about it.

He bites his lip, draws a little bit of blood and then snaps back to reality when his psychiatrist is standing in front of him, leaning down to make sure he's alright. That he's still breathing. She tells him to calm down, to just breathe. And that he's having a panic attack.

Again.

He doesn't want to feel this way anymore.

"Just breathe." She says, and it's easy for her to say. She's not the one being swallowed from the inside out, being eaten alive by this monster called depression. But he tries his best, to breathe. Gasps for air and his hand instinctively grabs onto her arm, like a beg, a plea for her not to leave his sight otherwise god knows what'll happen.

She doesn't leave, and she sits put in front of him, saying as soothing words and phrases as she can until he regains his own composure.

That to be truthful, isn't really all that calm. But he'll settle for it if it means not feeling like this.

This hated by the world and this hated by himself. That someone will toss down a solid rope into the pit of loneliness and pull him out. Because his life depends on it.

* * *

Law's surprised he'd been allowed to leave on his own after what he'd told his psychiatrist. Thinks it all really proves what he was sure of all along really, that no one truly cares. It's just her job to sit there and listen and ask questions.

It's quiet; his apartment is dark and silent. No noise emitting from anything. He can't even hear himself breathe. He drops everything in his hands to the floor. Books he'd picked up on the way home, thinking it'd be nice to read something new. Coffee he'd picked up, too. Spills all over the floor and he ignores it. Makes his way to the bathroom with shaky legs and uneven breathing. Locks the door behind him.

And though his legs feel like they're about to give way, he's a lot calmer than he thought he'd be. Knows that this is for the best, he just wants to get it over with. He can't go on any longer. He's so exhausted, his whole body aches each and every day, and his mind is fighting itself.

Don't do it.

Do it.

_Don't fucking do it. _

He'll do it.

He pops open the orange bottle, pouring out the rest of his antidepressants, minus the few that fall to the floor. This should do the trick, he prays. He checks his phone one more time, 6:22pm. And it's already pitch black out in the middle of winter.

There's no sun, no shine. No glimmer, no hope.

He stares down at them, god why is he hesitating? He has to do it, now, now, now.

Brings his hand up to his mouth, down they go.

He hasn't eaten anything all day either, he wonders if it'll help. Help him die quicker. He sits down on the floor, looking up at the light that looks like it's flickering above him. His phone is ringing and ringing, ringing in his ears until it all goes quiet. He already feels sick to his stomach.

Figures that while he can he should do some sort of an apology. And his hands are much too shaky and sweaty to go out and find a piece of paper and write out all this crap about how he wishes things had been different but in the end this is what he wants.

So he sends Rocinante a text: _Sorry. _

Knows it's probably the most pathetic thing of him to do. And figures even while he's undoubtedly dying on the inside, the very last thing he'd do is be stupid. Even in his last moments.

Coughs hard and it hurts like a bitch, switches conversations to Luffy's. Sends the same to him, because shit. He'd put him through hell as well; he knows he wasn't easy to deal with. He's sorry. He's so fucking sorry.

He is. He tried to help Law for so long, so hard. He's just a lost cause. Strangely though, he feels rather fine. Nothing's happening.

But after fifteen minutes, he can feel his heart racing. Palpitations so strong he can feel it in his chest, neck and throat. He's light headed, and his body instinctually goes to the porcelain bowl, but nothings coming out. He's just dry heaving. Antiemetics. He's holding onto it for the only support he has. His body won't respond to him anymore.

It's twenty or so minutes later, he thinks. He can't exactly see the time on his phone clearly. Though there's an unsettling buzzing on his fingertips driving him insane.

Everything's spinning and everything hurts. His legs are cramping up, he can't move an inch.

"...aw..." _What? _Even now he can't get quiet.

There's nothing fun about this. He curses himself, wishes he had taken more for it to happen quicker. In the end he's always going to be a failure.

"...aw!" _What...? _Wants it to be quiet.

He doesn't know how long it's been but his heart feels like it's trying to escape, break through his rib cage and run away. And he's hallucinating. His sister is standing in front of him, holding out her hand smiling. How kind. He'll be there, soon. His lips move, saying wait for me, but nothing comes out but slurs.

"LAW! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR RIGHT NOW!" He hears somewhat clearly, but he's probably just imagining things.

He can't see. His eyes are spotty. And keeping his lids open feels like a chore, rather than a basic task. Can't hear a thing but constant ringing. And banging. It's annoying, but he's happy it's getting quieter. He doesn't have to deal with the noise. No more noise. No more voices.

He's sweating like he's been in the blistering sun for hours on end with little to no water, still gaging on air. Then there's a tall figure in front of him. He's got no clue who, maybe it's everything he's ever hated jumbled into one large monster, here to say goodbye.

There's more yelling. And he feels like he's being held up by something, being carried. Feels a drag of cold against his wet skin. Whisked away into nothingness. It's really all surreal, what he's feeling. He's just disappearing. He's becoming the embodiment of nothing. Finally, _finally, _he'll be free. Rid of all the hopeless sadness, the sleepless nights, the _pain. _

His eyelids won't open over halfway anymore. It's dark. He can't feel his heart anymore; maybe it's really left him after all.

There's a lot of shouting. A lot. His head is pounding, and his eyes close.

Then there's nothing.

It's quiet. Finally he's gotten something he wanted.

* * *

**A/N: **This was really hard to get out. I won't apologize for it though. I hope you well, _enjoy?_ Or just you know, get a better inside view of how his mind works. I'm really trying to elevate the sense of realism in this story and it'll be obvious in the next couple of chapters as well. Please _please _leave me a review, I want to know how you all feel, just your general thoughts I suppose. Lots of love. ~S.


	11. It's Been an Hour

**TRIGGER WARNING: **Attempted Suicide.

* * *

Christmas isn't that far, Rocinante hums to himself at the thought of buying a few sweaters for Law, just out of pure entertainment. Those ugly ones you get at a thrift store that smell terrible, but make for good pictures. Knows Law will look like the biggest grump, much more than he already does, and it'll be hilarious.

He thinks about it while he's home, doing some cleaning. He doesn't know how long it's been since he last swept the floors, dust all over the nick knacks on the shelves, under the big pieces of furniture. Stuck to the wooden floor. Thinks about what he should make for dinner while he's cleaning. Kind of wants to order a pizza, really. It's been long since he had one. Maybe he'll order two, take them up to Law's and make the boy stuff his face, because god knows he needs to eat.

He pulls out his phone to call Law, ask him what toppings he wants because the boy is so damn picky if he puts a single thing he doesn't like on it, he'll refuse to eat any of it. He's got a couple messages. Some from his annoying as hell brother he'll ignore again. One from Law, thinks it's something stupid, like telling him to turn down his music because he can hear it through the floors. But it's just a single word.

_Sorry._

And Rocinante thinks about what he could be apologizing for. Nothing in particular comes to mind, and then he remembers the last time this had happened, and everything comes rushing back. He recognizes this kind of message from Law. Checks the time on the text, he'd gotten it twenty minutes ago. Drops everything in his hands but his phone and runs out of his apartment. Doesn't bother to lock the door, or even close it completely.

Nothing matters. He can't find a single thing inside him that manages to care about anything other than Law's well being. Hopes he hasn't done anything yet, hopes it's just a silly text with no serious meaning behind it. Maybe he's just overreacting, that Law had a reason for apologizing but damn the period at the end makes everything so much more serious it only drives him crazier.

He gets to Law's apartment as fast as his feet could take him, fumbles with the keys and finally unlocks the door. Storms in and shouts Law's name out but no one answers.

"Oi Law!" He shouts again, still nothing. Looks around and notices his stuff is on the floor, so he has to be home. His keys on the kitchen counter, so he _has _to be home. Walks to Law's bedroom, it's a mess. He sighs and calls out Law's name again, still nothing. Turns to go to the bathroom, doors locked.

And he thinks fuck no the kid can't be serious.

"LAW!" He shouts, bangs on the door but no one answers. He can hear a groan coming from the other side he knows he's in there.

"**_LAW_**!" He shouts again, bangs harder he feels like his knuckles break, or at least bruise from how hard he's banging.

"LAW! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR RIGHT NOW!" He's yelling as loud as he possibly can. Doesn't give a damn if any of the neighbours can hear him. Doesn't give a damn about the door either, kicks it a couple times until the damned lock breaks.

And there's Law, on the floor leaning against the bathtub. Eyes half closed and shit. Rocinante stops, as the door swings open. Feels like his hearts just skipped a few beats and could stop entirely at any second. Like he'd just gotten the air punched out of is gut. It's his worst nightmare, Law doing something like this and leaving him. Rocinante's never seen Law look like this in his life. Never thought he'd have to. Thinks he's going to lose his fucking mind before he can get the boy any help. He freezes for a second, and then lunges at Law. Grabs his face, starts sweating and panicking. Feels angry and scared all at once his emotions are a jumbled mess.

"Fuck, FUCK!" He swears, holds Law's head up straight with his hands, since Law doesn't seem to be able to do that himself. Wipes off the drool or, whatever it is that's dripping out of his mouth. His skin feels way too hot compared to the creepy ice cold face and his throat goes dry because he can't stand seeing Law like this. All limp and barely even alive, hardly able to open his eyes. Feels so angry at him, feels guilty for feeling angry. He knows his anger is misplaced, because he knows it's not entirely his fault. It's not his fault at all. He's been under so much pressure for such a long time, and he's lasted for so long without doing this.

"What the fuck did you take?! HEY! ANSWER ME! LOOK AT ME LAW YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT YOU FUCKING TOOK!" He shouts, he can't comfort him. He can't, there's no way he could. He's so angry, every word that comes out of his mouth is mixed with the next, and every sentence is a jumbled mess.

"Law Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck were you thinking?!" He asks when he notices an empty orange pill bottle. Law's grip isn't even able to hold onto it any more. Doesn't get an answer other than a low groan that makes Law sound like he's in the most excruciating pain. Doesn't like the way it sounds.

"How long ago did you take these?!" He demands to know, holding Law's head up with one hand, the other holding the pill bottle wihth such force he could break the plastic if his grip tightened any more. Only gets another groan. Not what he wanted to hear, but he'll take it because at least Law's fucking responsive.

Rocinante's never felt such a rush of fear before in his entire life. He doesn't know whether or not he should try to make Law puke. Doesn't know if the pills he took are the kind that can be thrown up after taking, especially the amount. He knows some pills are worse than others, that the chemicals could burn the inside of his throat and mouth. But he panics, because Law's not looking any better, looks fucking terrible. He doesn't have enough time to think.

"Come on now you gotta stay with me okay, you have to hurl it out," He says, tears well up in his eyes and his own voice is shaky because he has no fucking clue what he's doing. Holds him up and opens his mouth, shoves a finger down his throat and Law gags, but nothing comes out. Rocinante curses, does it again, this time Law gags and instinctly bites down on his fingers. Hard enough to draw blood and Rocinante winces at the pain but he's more in pain at the sight of Law than the canines in his fingers. Pulls them out because it's not doing anything. He looks like a corpse in his arms already.

Feels worse because he thinks he's made the entire situation ten times worse than it already was by trying to make Law throw up. Freaks out and wonders if Law should even throw up in the first place. Feels like shit for putting such a pained look on Law's face by trying to get him to. Law tears through closed eyelids and Rocinante can tell he's in pain. Keeps drooling down his chin. The pain painted on his face and he's shaking in Rocinante's arms like he's holding on for dear life.

Wipes away Law's tears because it gives him so much pain to see him like this. Gently tries to slap his face, to keep his eyes open. To keep him awake. He doesn't do it too hard, doesn't want to hurt Law anymore than he already has. And he's so sorry that he has, he didn't mean to. He's just so desperate to keep Law awake, to keep him conscious he'll do anything. He can't just let him sleep and never wake up again. He can't.

"Christ Law," He swears, checks his pulse and breathing for a few quick seconds before trying to induce vomiting again. He can barely see through his own teary eyes. Can't hold Law as still as he'd like to, can't stop shaking at how crazy, how surreal all of this is.

"God fucking damn it why won't you just _puke?!" _He shouts, his tears now falling down onto Law's face. Keeps him held up with one arm and takes out his phone with the other, dials 911 as fast as his fingers can press three numbers. Lets it ring, feels himself panicking because Law's so damned important to him he doesn't know what he'll do if he loses the kid.

"Why the fuck would you do something like this, Law?!" He asks, doesn't expect an answer. Wonders if he'd been neglecting Law recently. If he'd slipped up somehow somewhere in the past few hours or days or anytime this week. The pit in his stomach grows bigger, makes him feel like a failure for allowing this to happen. He'll take a groan, he will. But he doesn't get one, just a slow attempt at opening his lids and then they shut. And don't open after that.

"Hey, HEY! Don't close your eyes do you hear me?!" He says, gives Law's shoulder a gentle shake. Sees his eyes try to open but then close. Looks like they're too heavy to keep open. Or that he's giving up. Doesn't care. Of course he doesn't, why the fuck else would he have done this otherwise. Swears continuously while the phone rings and shouts at no one, to hurry the fuck up and pick up. Because he doesn't have all the time in the damn world right now. He needs someone to pick up. _Now. _

After what seems like an eternity to Rocinante, but in reality was about fifteen seconds, a lady answers the phone. Asks what his emergency is and the words couldn't come out any quicker than they do. Says he needs a fucking ambulance as fast as possible because his son, pretty much, has just swallowed a fuck ton of pills and he doesn't know how long ago, but he's pretty sure it was long enough for him to start feeling the effects. She doesn't have the chance to ask for the address, Rocinante shouts into the phone, repeatedly where they're at and she says that someone will be there soon, that an ambulance will come and that Law will be okay.

She acts like she knows, he yells at her to not say shit she can't back up because he'll be really fucking destroyed if it ends up any other way.

She asks how his heart rate is, how many beats he's got per minute, if he's even still breathing and Rocinante doesn't know, he can't manage to calm down enough to count. But he has to, so he tries. He says it's about 55, 56 maybe. And the woman says okay, to keep an eye on him, keep counting and make sure it doesn't go any lower. Make sure he doesn't stop breathing, but if he does, to start CPR.

He says okay, that he'll do everything he can through the tears in his eyes and the shakiness of his body to keep Law alive. To make sure he doesn't die on the damn bathroom floor. Every thirty seconds it seems, she asks how he's doing. He says fine, but nothing about this is fine. It's so fucked up, it's screwing with his head. The way Law looks just laying there on the floor, as if he really is lifeless. Can't bring his hand to leave his neck, where he continues to count. 1. 20. 28. 29. 40. 46. 52. And a minute passes.

1\. 12. 25. 29. 37. 46. 49. 52. Another minute passes.

A few minutes later there's another man hovering over him. He doesn't know where he came from or when they got there, a few others follow. They ask him to step aside, let them do their job but like hell he's going to just up and move. Law's his _son, _he's not going to move, or leave. Doesn't have much of a choice when the man tells him he needs to, so they can help Law.

Rocinante watches as they start giving him CPR, doesn't know why they're doing that. Because he was just breathing, he was just fucking breathing.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" He shouts, needs to know what's going on. Doesn't want to be in the dark. A man behind asks him to move so they can get Law onto a stretcher, and they take him out of the apartment.

"We have to keep him breathing. If it slows down anymore than this it could be bad." The man says, pushes Law onto his side and the other two slide the long ass piece of plastic that they strap him to. Lift him up and he looks so damned lifeless Rocinante hates it.

In the ambulance, they ask Rocinante if they know what Law took. He was too busy trying to help Law to check, but suggests it could have been his medication for his bipolar disorder he had been taking for a couple of months. Symbax. They ask him if he knows why Law would do it, and he tells him he's been suicidal for years. All these questions, he's irritated. Keeps asking why they aren't doing anything to get that shit out of his system. The man tells him they have to monitor his heart rate as he hooks Law up to an IV that Rocinante wonders what it is, but doesn't ask because he's sure they're doing what they can to help. They have to. That's their fucking job. He watches Law's heart rate on the monitor, hears it beep after beep after beep.

Thanks god it's not flat line.

"Law, Law I love you. He can hear me right?" He asks the medic.

"It's possible." The man tells him and Rocinante nods, wipes away his tears and grabs Law's hand that is way too cold.

"You know you were never a burden on me. Never, okay?" He tells him, doesn't even know if he can get to him now.

"Never once did I think of you like that. Ever. Fuck Law, you have to stay, you have to make it though." He says, can't hold his tears back by blinking. And he's blinking fucking _hard. _

"What am I supposed to do if you…" He says, trails off because he can't even think about it, let alone say it. Doesn't ever want to say something like that. He'd probably lose his mind, jus hearing the words come out of his mouth.

"Do you remember when you were younger and you told me you wanted to be a doctor?" He asks, doesn't get a reply. Just hears constant beeping from the monitor and the medics muttering between each other on Law's condition. "You wanted to do it so bad, you studied your ass off, remember?" He says, chokes while he speaks because he's trying so damn hard to hold it back. The ride to the hospital has never seemed so fucking long before. "You said you'd do it. And I believed you- I still do. You can still do it so please Law, _please_."

He's also never prayed to god as much as he has in the past thirty minutes. Doesn't care if he begs, he needs Law to stay alive, for his own selfish reasons. Can't lose him. He notices Law's heart rate starts to slow down, asks what the fuck is happening because that's not supposed to happen. The man tells him he needs to let them do their job. He keeps asking, tells them he needs to fucking know. That he has the right to know, he's his guardian and Law's the closest thing to real family he's got.

"You know you're more important to me than my own brother, Law. So fucking _please." _He says, he begs. Doesn't care how desperate he sounds, because that's all he feels. The desperation for Law to stay.

And the ambulance stops moving before he can get any answers, watches the doors fly open and the three men in the back finish hooking Law up to a few other tubes before people come around and pull him out. He _demands _this time, to know what the hell is going on. And one of the ems men tell him that Law's not going as good as he should be. That it's going down hill, and that trying to flush out the drugs with fluids isn't enough.

That's all he gets. That it's not enough.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! YOU HAVE TO KEEP HIM ALIVE!" He shouts, grabs the man by his shoulders. Tells him he better get his fucking ass in gear and save Law otherwise he'll never forgive him. The man tells him they'll do everything they can. And damn right they will.

Steps out of the ambulance and the air is cold, he feels it in his bones, even though his skin feels like it's steaming. He can't stop sweating and can't stop shaking. Feels like he barely has enough energy to move from the back of the ambulance and into the hospital where he watches Law be pulled in. Doesn't have enough energy to support himself on his two shitty legs that drop him everywhere. He doesn't want to trip now, tries to walk as close behind the stretcher as he can. Feels like such a selfish man because he thinks he's in pain, when he sees the look on Law's face. And it's so fucking obvious he's the one really suffering. He's been suffering all this time. Watches him get rushed into the ER and he can't stop thinking of the possible what if's. Doesn't take his eyes off Law while the paramedics fill in some higher status looking doctors. Telling them what they know.

That Law's heart rate keeps slowing down; no matter how many fluids they start pumping him with through IV. One man says to get him ready, that they'll pump his stomach and flush it out with charcoal. Rocinante just stares, thinks it can't be this fucking bad. A doctor tells him to stand back, that he can't go into the room they push Law's stretcher into.

"What the fuck do you mean I can't go inside?! I'M THE ONLY FAMILY HE HAS AND YOU'RE TELLING ME TO STAND THE FUCK OUTSIDE?!" He shouts, the doctor tries to make him understand.

"We're aware you're all he has. But right now he needs all the focus our doctors and nurses can give him. You have to wait out here, I'm sorry-"

"No, NO! Don't give me that crap are you fucking kidding me?! He's my _son _you can't keep me out of there!" He says. Tries to push past the doctor but a couple of men hold him back. Tell him he has to stand back otherwise they'll have to escort him out. Tell him to wait in the designated waiting area while they do all they can to save Law. He tells them there's no fucking way in hell he's going to go sit and wait away from this door. He'll stand, he doesn't care. But he's not leaving the vicinity.

No one tries to push him any further; only one man is left to pretty much guard the door to prevent Rocinante from walking in anyways.

He can't help but start crying again. The thought of not being able to be right next to Law through makes him break down harder than he'd imagined he would. Backs away from the people holding him away from barging into the room like a barbarian and curses himself for not noticing the signs. Not noticing how bad it'd gotten for Law. Just stands outside the door, looks in and watches people hover over him, pull out tubes and a lady comes and closes the curtain on the only window he was able to look in from. Swears to himself he's going to strangle her or something for it.

It really all hits Rocinante at once. That there's nothing he can do now, and he feels he didn't do nearly enough for Law. He can't stay right by his side like he should. It's all up to the doctors. He should have spent more time with him while he had the chance if he'd known this was the last night he'd ever see him. If he'd known that the last thing he'd get from Law was a damn text message saying sorry.

He feels like he should be the one apologizing. It's his fault he wasn't good enough to help him. Reminisces all the possible signs that he might have missed and how shitty he feels because of it. That he should have been the parent Law needed and tried harder to understand his point of view instead of half assing it. Forcing stupid coffee prohibitions and preaching that Law should exercise like someone ignorant to the illness.

Starts crying while standing in front of the door and can't bring himself to keep standing there, so he walks away. Walks down the hall and towards the room he was told a million times to wait in. Feels terrible, like even now he's abandoning him.

* * *

The doctors get working, hook him up to a new IV with fluids to flush out any of the toxins that may have entered his blood stream already and to a few new monitors to keep his vitals stable.

With Law being unconscious, it makes it easier for the doctors to insert an endotracheal tube down his throat, to protect his airway from breathing in any of the stomach fluids into his lungs. Then carefully turn him to his left side, head lowered, insert a lubricated tube through his mouth and down his esophagus, into his stomach. They begin the suction through the tube, until every single fragment of the pills he'd taken are removed. Until there's nothing left to suck out.

Then they wash out his stomach with salt water. Repeatedly, until the fluids that come out of his stomach are clear.

Then Law's given activated charcoal, with a cathartic. To absorb the drugs that may still be in his stomach and speed up the emptying of his intestines.

And they work quickly, because they assume it's been over an hour since Law had taken the pills. Have to work as swiftly and efficiently as they can to keep the drugs from being absorbed into his blood stream.

To keep him alive.

* * *

Rocinante paces back and forth. Down the hall, past other rooms then past Law's again, no one comes out so he repeats it. Walks down the same hall at least twenty times, he doesn't really know he never kept count or anything. Time just seems to be going as slow as possible and he's begging for it to speed up but no such thing happens.

He doesn't have anyone else to call. Anyone else to tell. Because he and Law had always been two little peas in a pod alone from the moment he'd lost his parents. He doesn't know what he'd do if it took a turn for the worst. Doesn't know what the fuck he'll do even now. Just sit and wait for someone to tell him Law's okay, is all he can pray for. Thinks Law's a selfish ass bastard for doing this. For not telling him how bad he was feeling, especially this time of year. For not coming to him when he was in need. For everything.

Thinks he's a bit selfish for expecting Law to come to him with every single problem he has, at any given opportunity. There were plenty for him to just come up to him and say '_Damn I'm not feeling so good it's the worst I've been feeling in a fucking long ass time. And I need you to help me. Or just listen to me get it all out because I cant keep it inside any longer.' _Or something. Anything.

Then he hates himself for not being the one to have noticed how he was. How bad the state he's been in for a month now was. Blames himself, because if he'd known, this wouldn't have happened.

Bounces his legs and keeps his hands folded and propped up on his knees. Keeps praying. Won't stop praying until someone comes out and tells him that Law's okay. That Law will be fine, he'll live.

It's been an hour, and no one comes to tell him that.

* * *

**A/N: **I am so sorry for keeping you guys on edge. And even more so now. Bare with me, please. You know I love hearing from you, so please let me know what you think! Lots of love. ~S


	12. Say Something

**TRIGGER WARNINGS: **None.

* * *

"Hey, what's got you so down? You're about as lively as my grandma." Zoro says, wondering why Luffy's zipped his mouth closed and looked like he's been in deep thought for an hour.

"Your grandma is dead." Nami brings up, confusion written across her face and Zoro looks at her like she's missed the punch line.

"My point exactly." Zoro says, and it's a god awful comparison, but it gets the message across.

"Nothing!" Luffy says, quick to put a cheery face on for his friends because even he doesn't know what's wrong. There's no point in bringing it up when he doesn't know all the facts.

"You're such a liar, you look beyond annoyed. Pissed even." The three of them head out of their class that had ended early, much to their enjoyment.

"I'm not pissed, Zoro!" Luffy says back, because he isn't. Or at least, he's not trying to be.

"Well something's bugging you. I've known you for a while, you never look the way you do now unless there's a reason." Zoro says, pointing his index finger in Luffy's face, only to have it swatted away while Nami laughs at their bickering in the back.

"What do I look like now?" Luffy asks, because he's curious to know what Zoro see's, why he's so damn easy to read.

"Like an ass-" Zoro begins, but is cut off by Nami slapping a hand over his mouth and pulling him back.

"Zoro! He just means you look upset, Luffy." She says, and gives him a saddened look, like she's worried. Luffy purses his lips in return.

"You can tell us you know, we're not going to judge you or anything-" Zoro starts up again after prying his girlfriends hand off his mouth, only to have himself cut off once more, this time by Luffy.

"I know you won't! I- well, you remember Law?"

"Tall, dark, n' handsome? Kind of mysterious?" Zoro lists off, and Nami side eyes him.

"Is there something you wanna tell me Zoro?" She asks sarcastically, squints her eyes and Zoro scoffs at the question. Grabs her hand and intertwines their fingers together. Like no way in hell, baby. I'm yours.

"Yeah him, anyway I think he's ignoring me you know? Well of course you didn't know, never mind. I don't know why though! I didn't do or say anything wrong- at least I don't think I did?" Luffy says in a single breath, gaining a questioning look from Nami, who obviously has no idea what he's talking about considering she's got no clue who this Law guy is. And Zoro hums, but it looks to Luffy like he's busy thinking about a burger, which does sound nice, but that's not the main focus here.

Though it would be nice if it were.

"You're probably just overreacting. The guy's got a life to live outside you, you know?" Zoro says, and Luffy knows he really doesn't. But doesn't comment on it, though it's a pain in the ass to hold back. Just hums.

"You remember that time you thought Usopp hated you because he didn't come to class? And then it ended up being he was just super sick, like puke everywhere sick?" Zoro says, suggesting that it could be the same kind of situation. That he's just sick, maybe sleeping or at the doctors.

"No, I'm serious this time!" Luffy tells him.

"Why would you think he's ignoring you?" Nami asks, being a little bit more sincere about the question at hand than Zoro.

"I have no idea but he's never home, at least not when I go over and he won't answer his phone whenever I call!" Luffy says as the trio walks across campus, occasionally having to move out of the way for people who refuse to do the same. Thinks about the one worded text he got the day before. Thinks he must have meant to say something else but sent it too early.

"Maybe he's out? Or he could have broke his phone." Zoro suggests, trying to find a logical answer for Luffy to be satisfied with to quit his nagging.

"It rings though!" Luffy tells him and it's okay, Zoro's got an answer for it.

"Broken screen?" He says, and Luffy punches him in the shoulder, not too hard. But hard enough.

"Oi!" Zoro whines and gets ready to hit back, because he's a child. But Nami intervenes, suggesting Law could be out of the city. Or on a trip, maybe visiting a friend. All to which Luffy very well knows the answer to, just shakes his head in response. He'd never go without telling him. Right?

"Just relax. You're overthinking it." Zoro tells him, and maybe he's right. He just want's Law to be safe and sound. Prays that he is.

"I don't think so."

"Maybe he just wants some time to himself. Don't be clingy!" Nami teases and it's nice she can lighten up the mood with her sarcasm but he knows that alone time for Law is probably a very bad thing.

"Maybe." He'll agree anyways, because it's not his business to tell. Keeps his mouth shut through all the possible reasons behind Law's silence to himself.

* * *

After Luffy goes his separate ways from his friends, he walks down the street where he'd first met Law. The weirdest, and not to mention craziest first meeting ever. He strolls down, music blasting in his ears but it's driving him a bit crazy. So he takes out his headphones, shoves them in his pocket and sighs. The cold air making his breath look like smoke in the air. He walks past Law's building, the way he always does. And he's been there twice today, but shit. What's another try anyways?

Takes the elevator up to the twelfth floor and walks towards his door. Stands in front and knocks. And knocks, and knocks again. He gets nothing. Thinks maybe he _is _just overreacting. And as much as he hates to leave, he does. Because it's obvious no ones going to answer, even if he is home. He doesn't get why he's being ignored and it hurts, but he leaves.

* * *

He tries again the next day. Runs through the front doors and past the elevator. Runs up the stairs, leaving behind all other eleven floors until he reaches the twelfth. And there's no one in the hall, but a tall lanky looking man who seems way too conveniently placed before Law's door. So he shouts out, because who the hell is that asshole trying to get into Law's apartment?

"HEY!" He shouts again, the man turning to face him and he recognizes him as Rocinante. And finally, there's someone who knows Law. He smiles, in hopes he's going in to surprise Law, wants to join in on the fun.

"Ah, it's you. Luffy." Rocinante says, and his face looks even more dead by the time Luffy finally approaches him, peeks through the half opened door and there's nothing but black. He thinks it's a great plan; sneak a prank while Law's asleep.

"Hey! Wha- what's wrong?" He asks instead of his initial question, which was _'how are we gonna get Law?_' and Rocinante's eyes widen, hands go up to his face and rub hard. Luffy's not that clueless, he knows the look of someone who's been crying.

"Roci?" He says, because Rocinante looks like he's in a daze. Out of it. Not really there.

"Oh, sorry. Kinda spaced out there huh?" He says, puts on a smile for Luffy but he doesn't buy it. Who would?

"What's wrong?" He repeats. And it's strange he's not really inviting him in, or shooing him away. The two of them are just standing in the middle of the empty hallway. Rocinante doesn't say anything, just clears his throat but makes his way into Law's apartment, Luffy following behind and continuously nagging, asking what's wrong and what's going on, why he's not replying.

"Just wait out here a sec, okay? I'll be right back." Rocinante says, pointing to the couch and Luffy nods, watching the older man walk into Law's room. He sits down, tries to make himself comfortable the way he normally would but Rocinante's put him in this awkward mood, one he finds uncomfortable as hell.

And he fidgets around with the arm rest of the couch, looks around the place for a couple of minutes before Rocinante walks out with a couple of bags in hand.

"What's that?"

"Stuff, clothes." He says, puts them down by the couch then sits next to Luffy. Serious expression written all over his face and Luffy asks where Law is, because it feels weird, to be in his apartment without him. Though that's how it was before, but Law was in the shower, so it doesn't exactly count as the same situation.

Rocinante sighs, looks down and rubs his face again, like he's trying to wipe away tears but there's nothing there.

"He's at the hospital." Rocinante says, in a low voice, and Luffy's eyes squint before going wide.

"What?! WHY?!" He shouts and Rocinante sighs again, enough with the sighing he just wants answers.

"WHY IS HE IN THE HOSPITAL?!" Luffy shouts again. He doesn't take sighs over answers.

"You're aware of his ah... situation, yeah?" Luffy looks confused for a second, but yeah, he is. He knows, so he nods frantically, eager for Rocinante to go on because fuck this all is going too slow for him.

"Right. And you've experienced first hand, him trying to take his own life-"

"THATS WHAT HE DID?!" Luffy shouts and stands up, ready to go. But he doesn't know where the hell Law is; there are a couple of hospitals in the city. He'll try each and every one unless Rocinante keeps talking.

"Yeah. I don't know why, I think it's just the timing. The date-"

"What about it?!"

"His family, parents and younger sister, passed away around this time of year. I'm only guessing that's the reason. I don't really know why." Rocinante says, and Luffy's enraged. Want's to find the son of a bitch who did that to him and make him pay in every single excruciating way possible. But Rocinante manages to bring him back to earth, puts a hand on his knee to get him to stop shaking.

"Look, I know you care for him. He's told me countless times what you've done for him. You gotta know this isn't easy for him, and I can't imagine it being easy for you either."

"I- why didn't he tell me?!" Luffy shouts, but he's not really asking Rocinante. More asking himself, asking the imaginary Law in front of him that _should _be at home, watching his shitty murder shows and yelling at the stupid girl who's walking around alone at three in the morning. And he's holding back his own tears, trying to get out of Rocinante's grasp so he can go to Law. To be with Law.

"I don't know kiddo, I wish I knew. I wish he'd come to me too, but the fact is he didn't. I got to him in time and it kills me to think that if I were even a minute, a second later it could be too late." He says, and Luffy doesn't want to think about it. He doesn't want to imagine it.

"He's okay? He's really okay?" Luffy asks. He's happy if he's okay, he'll be okay. They'll be okay.

"I wouldn't say okay. He woke up once, found out he was alive and well, they had to sedate him. That's why I came back, to get some clothes for him-"

"He's coming home?" Luffy says, hopeful. But when Rocinante's facial expression somehow goes even worse than it was, Luffy doesn't understand. Why? Why isn't Law coming home?

"No, kiddo. He's not coming home. They're sending him to an institute-"

"Law's not crazy! They can't send him there!" Luffy shouts and grabs Rocinante by the collar. He doesn't give a damn if he's being disrespectful. They can't take Law away.

"Luffy, no he's not crazy. But he needs help. And I can't imagine letting him come home only to try again and maybe even succeed." Rocinante says in a softer tone and Luffy doesn't want that either. But it's not fair.

"He won't! I'll watch over him- I... I'll be here!" Luffy frantically suggests every single thing that comes to mind, but Rocinante's shake of the head displeases him.

"He is getting help!" Luffy says, all in vain really. Because look where he ended up anyways. Rocinante doesn't reply just let's Luffy try to take it in. To understand.

"Why?" Luffy asks again and he feels like everything he'd tried to do just wasn't enough. He wasn't enough.

"Hey, hey. None of this is your fault. You did everything right, you were there for him as a friend." Rocinante says, praises him on being someone who Law confided in. Someone who Law trusted enough to open up to.

"I still am!" Luffy says, doesn't like the use of the word 'were'.

"Right. I'm glad he has someone like you in his life he can depend on-"

"But he didn't depend on me! He just, he tried to do it all alone! Why?! I don't understand!" Luffy says, and the tears in his eyes begin to well up again because, shit. He feels so crappy. So useless. Like he couldn't keep Law away from thinking the only solution was to take his own life.

"He's always been like that, Luffy. A lone wolf. There's no changing that. But now he has his pack, that'll be there for him." Rocinante says with a smile, and Luffy huffs in disbelief. He want's to punch him, to scream at him.

He hates that he did it. Hates that he tried.

Hates that he couldn't help, that he didn't notice he _needed _more help.

But Law's not broken. He's just cracked, needs some glue to keep him together. He'll be the glue. He'll be anything Law wants him to be.

As long as in return Law lives.

He has to live.

* * *

**Fourteen hours ago**

Law's been watched for the past twelve hours. For any signs of toxic effects from the drugs he'd taken. On heavy sedatives that have kept him unconscious, for the most part.

There's one hell of an annoying sound and it's all he can hear. Tries to swallow but his throat is so damn dry and sore, it feels like he hasn't had anything to drink in days. And that's not good. Not that his throats dry and sore, but that he can feel that his throat is dry and sore. Squeezes his eyes even though they're already shut. Can't believe this is actually fucking happening to him. Again.

Opens his eyes, bats them a couple times and takes in his surroundings. Looks Rocinante dead in the eyes.

"Hey buddy." Rocinante says, tries to smile and Law blinks a couple more times to make sure he's not just having a really bad fucking dream. Some initiation or final thought before death kind of thing.

"How are you feeling?" He hears the older man ask. Thinks there's no way this could be a dream because it feels way too fucking real. It's terrible. He feels terrible. Looks behind him to see a tall man, looks like a guard, standing by the door. Great, he thinks. They probably have him on watch. Terrific.

"Why?" He asks. Why is this happening to him? Why the fuck is he still here? Why the hell is he still alive? Rocinante doesn't answer him. Looks like he's taken aback by the question, like Law doesn't have the right to ask such a thing. So naturally, he asks again.

"WHY?!" He yells this time. His voice is scratch and it hurts like a bitch to get the word out. Rocinante's not able to say anything back, just stares him in the eyes while holding him down because he looks like he's about to jump him. Law's so fucking furious. Can't bring himself to wrap his mind around this. All these wires and tubes attached to him are the reason he's still alive. No, he assumes since Rocinante's the one with him that he's the reason he's still alive.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!" Law yells and a nurse comes rushing in. He's not a danger, he's just angry. He has the _right _to be fucking angry. Not only did he fail once before thanks to Luffy, now he's failed again because of Rocinante. Why couldn't anyone just fucking let him die? Doesn't know why the guard looks like he's about to cuff him to the sides of his bed, he's not going to flee. He can barely move as it is with Rocinante practically lying on top of him.

"Law-" Rocinante tries to speak to him; all he manages to get out is his name. Sounds pained while doing so.

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!" He yells again because he's sick of Rocinante not answering, the nurse tries to push him back down onto the bed as well. Tells him he needs to calm down otherwise they'll sedate him.

"Fuck you! And fuck you too!" He spits at both Rocinante, and the nurse. All the commotion grabs the attention of Law's doctor. He walks inside, mumbles something to the nurse and Law tries to fight him and Rocinante off. To get them off his back and let him fucking be. Let him do what he wants with his body, with his life.

"Get the fuck off me!" He yells at Rocinante, who's blocking his view of everyone else, trying to push his shoulders into the bed underneath him. He doesn't have the energy to fight him off, just keeps yelling through a sore throat for him to stop and leave him alone.

"Law, listen to me you have to calm down please-" Rocinante pleads, doesn't want to see Law like this. Doesn't really know what he expected anyways. Didn't think Law would wake up and be all smiley, full of sunshine, but he didn't think he'd be like this either.

"Shut the hell up! I don't have to fucking listen to you!" Law shouts back at him. Regrets ever texting Rocinante, otherwise he'd have gotten away with it. "All of this is your fault, it's all your fucking _fault!" _Law shouts again, feels a needle in his arm, and tries to swat the nurse away for fucking around with him like this. He's been awake less than ten minutes before he's being put under by whatever the fuck it is this bitch has just injected him with. Screams at her to take the fucking needle out of his arm before he flips the fuck out for real. The face the nurse makes screams shock that this isn't his for real freak out.

"You're such a fucking asshole, do you know that?!" He says to Rocinante, can't even push him off because his doctor has put restraints on his hands, strapped him to the bed.

"Law, I-" Rocinante starts, tries to explain. Law doesn't let him. Never wants to hear a single thing come out of his mouth again.

"GET OUT! GET HIM THE FUCK OUT! ALL OF YOU- GET THE FUCK OUT!" He screams as loud as his throat will let him. Pulls on his restraints that he can't break out of. The restraints, along with the needles all make Law feel like his nightmares are becoming a slow, but gradual reality. Feels like he's just been stabbed in the back and that he's dying all over again. Eyes feel droopy and the last thing he see's is Rocinante walking out of the room before he's asleep again.

Hopes it's for good this time, knows it's not.

Still, what's a little prayer?

* * *

Rocinante stands outside Law's room. Doesn't know what he did wrong, what he did to make Law want to die. Thinks back to every possible time he could have done or said something wrong. And he knows he's not the best with words or actions, so it could have been almost anything. Tries to think of what pushed Law over the edge. Hates himself for every thought that comes up.

He should have been better to him. Should have spent more time with him, took better care of him. He's always known how Law had it; he just never took into account just how bad it actually was. Tells himself he'll do better, he swears he will. If Law even wants to speak to him. Feels like he could punch something, or someone.

Doesn't deny that it's his fault. It probably is, he thinks. That he wasn't good enough to keep Law from worsening, to keep him from feeling like this was the only option he had left to do. Thinks he's so pathetic for not being able to give Law a single thing he needed.

Can't get the look Law had in his eyes out of his head. Like Law hates every fiber of his being. Doesn't want anything to do with him ever again. He sighs, rubs his face that feels gross. Dry and sticky at the same time, eyes burning from how much he's cried. Goes to the bathroom down the hall, splashes cold water on his face. Tries somehow to convince himself Law won't be like that when he wakes up again. But there's no telling.

As Rocinante makes his way to Law's room once again, now somewhat calmed down from earlier, the doctor approaches him. Asks him if he knows for sure whether or not what Law had done was intentional. He tells him yes, it most likely was. That it's not the first time he's tried to end his own life. The doctor says because of the outburst Law had, they have reason to want to check him into a psychiatric ward, where he'll get the help he needs. And since Rocinante's legally capable of making the decision, it's ultimately up to him. Tells him if they release him there's a strong chance he'll try to do it again, and fuck no, he thinks. He can't go through that again.

"We'll wait until he wakes up again. He'll have to have a one on one with a mental health professional." The doctor tells him, he nods. What else can he do? The doctor just gives him a pat on the shoulder, like he's some fucking pet. Tells him it'll be all right, just to wait it out and see how he is after he wakes up and has a chance to calm down.

* * *

Law shifts, moves around in the bed he's on, as little as he can, considering. Wakes up and he feels completely numb. Like his entire body was dead. Can't feel his insides, his emotions, his skin. Nothing. Thinks he'd rather he be stabbed multiple times over and over again, than becoming absolutely nothing and feeling like a literal corpse. Blinks a couple of times until he can fully make out the restraints on his wrists, blinks again and there's a guard at the door, once more and that's all there is. No one else is there.

A nurse walks by the window, looks in and makes eye contact with him and decides to come in.

"Hi Law, how are you feeling this time around?" She asks with a bright smile, clicks her pen and writes some stuff down. He doesn't know what. He's sore, if that's anything.

"What?" He asks, because he doesn't fully understand the question. And shit, his throat fucking kills. Doesn't know what she means by this time around. Stares at her and his palms begin to feel sweaty and gross, he want's to wipe them off but there's no way he can. She looks back at him, like he's stupid or something. Doesn't understand the question maybe, and she wouldn't be wrong. He doesn't get it.

"You woke up once before, you don't remember?" She asks and she looks like she's hesitating to ask anything else as well.

"No?" He says. It's low and his voice is scratchy. His throat seriously fucking kills, way worse than just a little cold's sore throat. Feels like someone had literally shoved a knife down there and cut him up from the inside.

"Well, all that matters is that you're awake now." She says, he doesn't like that she doesn't say what happened when he first woke up.

"Sure." He says, deep in my mind he feels nothing but disappointed that he hadn't succeeded. Again, no less. He's enraged that he couldn't even properly kill myself when no one was around. And he'd had a pretty good head start too. Wonders where Rocinante is, because if it was Luffy who found him he's surely got a shit ton of yelling coming his way.

"Can you take these things off?" He asks her before she leaves, tries to hold up his hands as high as he can, gesturing to the restraints. She frowns.

"I can't, sorry. I'm not able to make that decision."

"What decision? What if I just want to scratch my nose?" He says, and it comes out angrier than he'd wanted it to. Feeling it in his throat and his head just won't stop throbbing for the life of him.

"Do you just want to scratch your nose?" She asks, and well, he can't say yes. Doesn't have it in him. Just looks to the side where there's a big jacket that resembles Rocinante's a lot. Asks where he is.

"He should be here, he hasn't left since you were admitted." She says, steps out into the hallway outside the door and looks around but turns back to say she doesn't see him. Suggests he might have gone to grab lunch. He nods, leans his head back against the pillow that doesn't deserve to be called such, it's hard. Pillows shouldn't be hard.

She leaves him with a smile, and not too long after, Rocinante walks in. Doesn't look all too pleased with him, but Law's never been happier to see him in his life.

"You're awake again, huh?" Rocinante asks, walks over to the seat next to Law's bed.

"Why... does everyone keep saying that?" Law asks, and it's not really _everyone, _but two people are more than he needs to hear that from.

"Why the fuck do I have _restraints _on me?! I can't even get up to fucking piss." Law spits and Rocinante looks at him confused. Furrows his brows and looks behind him at the guard, then back at Law.

"What do you mean? You don't remember waking up?"

"No. What happened?"

"Ah." Rocinante says, doesn't think it'd be best to bring up anything he said. Just tells him what he did. "You flipped out, freaked that you were still alive. Kept asking why and yelling. They had to put you in restraints and sedate you because they were worried you'd do something to yourself." He tells him, Law's eyes widen. Sighs and throws his head back. Twists his wrists in the restraints and at least it makes sense why he's got them on now.

"Can you just tell them I'm fine? I want to go home." Law says and Rocinante looks at him like he'd got to be fucking kidding.

"Law, no. You're not fine god damn it. Why'd you do it?!" Rocinante yells, louder than he wanted to but he can't hold it back.

"I… don't want to talk about it." Law says. Pouts like a baby and Rocinante's had it with his shit.

"Law for gods sake you almost fucking _died-"_

"Yeah that's usually the fucking point." Law says, turns his head to break eye contact with him but Rocinante continues anyways.

"Don't even try to act smart with me right now. You have no idea how fucking pissed I am at you for this." Rocinante says, his words hit Law like a ton of bricks. And though he can't really _feel _anything, he's able to feel how hurt and scared Rocinante is.

"You know they want to check you into a psych ward-"

"What?! No. _No. _They can't make me, what'd you tell them? Did you tell them I didn't need to go?" Law says, looks like he's struggling to talk because of how bad it hurts. Rocinante sighs and tells him to lay back down. That there's no way he'd be able to _go _anywhere anyways.  
"Law I didn't need to tell them anything. Given your history and all that happened in the past day and a half, they think it's best if-"

"Fuck _NO. _I'm not going there. They can't fucking make me if I don't want to." He shouts and there's no way in hell they're going to drag his ass to some psychiatric ward where he'll have some bullshit security watching over him every hour of every day for who knows how long.

"Listen to me, yes they can. You're a danger to yourself Law. I don't want to have to sit in another ambulance scared out of my fucking mind you could die any damn second." He says and Law scoffs.

"Oh come on I just want them to take these fucking fuzzy handcuffs off so I can just take a piss and scratch my fucking nose, I'm not going to do anything." He says, tries to reassure Rocinante he's not going to do anything. All he wants is his bed and a coffee, really.

"And that sounds really convincing too. But I know you don't mean it." Rocinante says, hits Law and knows there's never any escaping him when they're one on one like this.

"So what, you're just going to let them lock me up?"

"They're not _locking you up_, Law. You're going to get the help you need. You'll only be gone a month-"

"A MONTH?!" Law shouts, the guard tells him to keep it down or he'll call in the doctor. "What I can't even be fucking surprised?" He says, directed to the guard and Rocinante tells him to stop.

"You _need _to go, Law. I don't ever want to see you the way I did again. Okay? I'm not doing this to punish you, none of this is your fault." Rocinante says but Law thinks otherwise.

"You think I'm a coward." Law accuses and Rocinante sighs, stands up from the chair and pushes Law's still numb legs to the side to make room for himself on the bed. Sits down and holds Law's hand. Serious as ever.

"You're not a coward or anything, listen to me. You're going to go, you're going to get the help you need and you're going to come back better than ever. You will, I know you're strong enough to do it." He tells him, Law's not so sure. But he can't exactly say no. Doesn't have the ability to. Just sighs.

"I'm sorry. I'm really _really_ sorry you had to see me like that. But I'm okay, I swear I'm okay so please just don't let them take me there. What am I supposed to do anyways?" Law says, chokes on his own words and looks like he could tear up if his eyes weren't so damn dry.

"I know you're sorry kiddo I can see it in your eyes. But you're not okay. I don't know who you're trying to fool but it sure as hell isn't working on me." Rocinante says, frowns when Law's hold on his hand tightens. Surprised he has enough in him to do so.

"You're not okay, but you will be." He says, makes it sound like a promise. Swoops in for a tight hug and Law can't stop himself from being pained he can't hug Rocinante back. It sucks being like this.

* * *

It's five in the evening the next day. Law sits in his bed, finally thankful those god awful restraints have been removed, at least long enough for him to eat. And not the gross hospital food, but actual food Rocinante's brought him from home. Not like there's a difference anyways though, he can't taste anything. Everything is bland to him. Like his taste buds had been completely destroyed from the charcoal that Rocinante had told him they had to pour down his throat.

Either way, it sucks. It's more embarrassing if anything. The attempt and not the success. Can't get it out of his head how bad and pathetic he must look to every nurse and doctor that comes in. Every mental health professional that comes in and asks him how he's doing. How he feels. What he's thinking about. And the only answer he's ever able to give is _'I don't know'_ because he doesn't. He doesn't know how he's doing. His throat hurts like a bitch, his appetite is even shittier than it was before, his whole body aches and his emotions are a jumbled up mess. Basically he feels he's dead. Or dying at least. In a constant state of losing his life and it never ends. It just hurts.

Doesn't think about much other than how impatient he is to get out of the same room he's been held in for the past… how many hours? He doesn't know. Doesn't even know what day it is. His whole system of time is scrambled.

But then in walks Rocinante, holding a bag which looks stuffed to the brim and behind him, is Luffy. Looks so incredibly pissed and he's thankful he has a guard in the room otherwise he's sure Luffy would rip his head off. That's what he looks like he's eager to do at least. And he's never even had the time to think about what he's going to say to him let alone how to look at him. Doesn't know what facial expression he's wearing. Thinks it could be a mix of fear and the look of a corpse.

Rocinante's the only one who walks in further than where the door closes, sets the bag on the floor beside his bed. Sighs and doesn't sit down, takes out a cigarette from his pocket and oh how fucking bad Law wishes he could smoke right now. How fucking _bad. _

"I got what you needed kiddo. They don't allow zippers, anything with strings, spikes, shit that dangles or hangs. Pretty much nothing unless it's plain and simple. They told me you're allowed your own clothes but only a couple pairs, so I grabbed stuff that you would be okay with." Rocinante tells him and all this is so fucking surreal to him.

Can't believe this is happening. Can't believe Luffy isn't saying anything. Doesn't care about the bag, the clothes, or the ward. Just has this aching feeling that's about ten times worse when mixed with his fucked over emotions when Luffy doesn't say anything. Just stares him in the eyes like he's a piece of messy artwork on display at a museum. Rocinante sighs again, Law can tell he feels awkward. Kind of out of place, so he leaves. Says he's going for a smoke, asks the guard if it's okay for him to stand outside the door for a while so the two of them can talk. Thinks he's doing it discreetly but it's pretty fucking loud. But Law appreciates the gesture. And also hates him for bringing Luffy here to see him like this. And then it's just the two of them.

Luffy hesitantly walks over, sits not on the stool but on the bed where Law scoots his legs over to make room for him. Still doesn't say anything, but kicks his shoes off and crosses his legs the same way he would at Law's.

"Say something." Law says. He doesn't know where to start. His hands are gripping the blanket over his lower half so tight he can feel his nails in his palms through the fabric. Luffy looks like he doesn't know what to say, or that he's just going to torture Law like this. Just staring at him. And then Luffy starts to breathe heavier, Law doesn't know if its out of anger or fear. Whether he's going to punch him in the gut or hug him. Whether or not he's going to yell at him or cry. It's none of the above, Luffy just tries to regulate his breathing. Closes his eyes for a few seconds and grabs Law's now free hands. Holds them tighter than Law was holding his sheets. Feels like everything is going in slow motion.

"I don't… I don't know what to say to you." Luffy tells him and he's not really that surprised. But at the same time it's weird for Luffy, who's admitted himself he's always got something to say, has nothing. Doesn't blame him though, can't imagine how confused he must be feeling.

"Okay. That's okay-"

"NO! No it's not okay! You could have died Law! What the fuck, just how is that _okay_?!" Luffy shouts and Law notices the guard look in from the window, looks back at Luffy because he couldn't give a shit about it right now.

"You- I asked you! I asked you so many times if you were doing okay! If you were feeling okay and you said yes Law! You lied to me, you lied to my _face_!" Luffy shouts and Law's not able to get a single word in.

"What the fuck was I supposed to do if I hadn't seen Roci and he hadn't told me what happened?! I would have never found out, you wouldn't have fucking told me!" He continues and Law just lets him yell. Doesn't even blink when Luffy's nails start digging into the back of his hands.

"What if you fucking _died _Law?! What the hell did you even think about me for a fucking second longer than it took you to send me a god damn _sorry?!" _Luffy says and it's no secret he's pissed the fuck off at him. Law would be too if Luffy did something like this. But he wouldn't, because Luffy's not sick. He's everything Law had ever hoped for in himself but never got to be. Feels so guilty, and so fucking sorry. So pathetic and shitty. That he couldn't bring himself to tell Luffy that. He thought it was embarrassing. No less embarrassing than Luffy having to save him the first time, no less than right now. Just saying the words would have taken a whole deal out of him.

"I… I don't know what you want me to say. I'm sorry, I really am you have no fucking idea how sorry I feel Luffy. But I know that it doesn't mean anything-" Law says but Luffy shuts him up, literally. Doesn't want to hear crap like that come out of Law's mouth.

"No, no shut up. I decide what means something to me and what doesn't! I just wish you would have _told _me how you felt, or just talked to someone about it!" Luffy says, looks like he's about to cry. Blinks rapidly to keep his tears away. Law feeling like he's just gone and killed one of Luffy's family members. That's how hurt he looks. That someone he trusted and believed in would go behind his back and do something like that. But instead of a family member, it was himself. And to Luffy, that's equally as bad.

"I… I know. I know I should have told you. I wanted to tell you."

"Then why would you choose a bottle of pills over talking to me?!"

"I don't know! It was the easier option and my mind was spinning, I didn't know what else to do!"

"You should have _called me!" _Luffy says and it sounds desperate. Like even now he wishes he could just get the words out of Law and help him.

"I _did, _I tried to tell you- I should have-" Law says, he does know. He feels terrible he didn't. He feels terrible Luffy's sitting on his damned hospital bed with him holding back tears for the life of him.

"But you didn't! You didn't you chose a stupid bottle of whatever the fuck it was you thought was better than talking to me!" Luffy shouts and again, the guard eyes him and he wishes he could pound his head in for being so damn nosy. Luffy's eyes look beyond hurt, his posture is that of a baby who's looking for comfort and safety. Law thinks it's interesting that it should definitely be the other way around. Because that's all he's ever wanted to give Luffy.

And then Luffy starts crying.

And it's probably the worst thing Law's ever had to see. The one person he wanted to keep happy, crying. And he doesn't want to show any further weakness. Even now, he doesn't want to let Luffy know just how much he's hurting but his own tears well up too much for him to hold back with just blinking and attempts at composed breathing. So he lets them drop. Pulls Luffy close to him and wraps his arms around his waist, one on his back and holds him so damn close. His own chest fucking hurts like hell already, but he'll take it. Mutters nothing but quiet choked up apologies into Luffy's ear and Luffy keeps lightly punching at him. Doesn't have to say it, but he knows all he's asking is why.

"You have to stay here okay? I don't know what I'd do if you died." Luffy mumbles into his chest. Doesn't look up at him because he's still crying. Law can feel his tears through the thin hospital gown and he nods. Nods and nods. Says okay. He will, he swears by it.

"You have to. You have to. You have to." Luffy repeats and it sounds more of reassurance to himself he gets with every nod that Law gives him afterwards.

That he needs to know that Law's not going anywhere anytime soon.

* * *

"So… when are you leaving?" Luffy asks, really hesitant to hear the answer. Because anything Law says will put him off.

"I uh, don't know." Law says, looks at Rocinante because he assumes he should.

"They said three days after you wake up so… tomorrow." He tells him and Luffy frowns. Law only sighs and rubs his temples. Still not okay with this. Not okay with any of this.

"It'll be okay. It's a month, not forever. You'll be fine. And you'll come back better, you will." Rocinante says, pats Law's arm and gives Luffy a smile too. Hasn't moved from Law's bed, just adjusted himself to lay down on top of him and hold him for as long as he can.

Luffy just gives them a 'hmph', turns around and buries his head into Law's chest and apologizes when Law kisses his teeth because of the pain.

A nurse walks into their uncomfortably quiet room and pats Luffy on the back, asks him to get up so she can do her job. Check up on Law and make sure his breathing is good. A pouty Luffy gets up, only enough for her to get an arm in with her stethoscope. Asks him to breathe in a couple times.

"Any pain?" She asks and he's about to say no but Rocinante clears his throat. Scoffs he can read him so well.

"Yeah, kinda. My whole body aches." He tells her and she nods.

"That's normal considering what happened. You're lucky there wasn't any severe damage to your liver or lungs during the procedure." She says, gives all three of them a smile, and sure. He's so very lucky.

"Well, for now just get some rest. Visiting hours end in about, ten minutes so. Say your farewells before then." She tells them and Luffy's eyes go shot, no way he's leaving. Rocinante sighs because he can tell the boy's got no intention of moving an inch away from the bed let alone leave the hospital.

"I'm not leaving." Luffy shifts, finds a way to replicate the comfortable position he'd had before the nurse asked him politely to move and pouts. Why would he want to leave Law's side if it's technically the last day he'd get to see him properly?

Knows a month without seeing him daily is going to be a pain in the ass and he doesn't know how to feel other than sad.

"Luffy…" Law knows his hearts in the right place but really doesn't want him to get in trouble for somehow finding a way to stay hidden in a closet or bathroom everytime a nurse walks by so he could stay the night.

"I'm fine now, you know that right?" Law asks him. To him it seems like Luffy still thinks he could kick it any second and he's fine, really he is.

"You can come by tomorrow morning." The nurse suggests and Luffy scowls at her, doesn't like her tone. Like 'get the hell out of here already before you get _me _in trouble' kind of thing.

"You'll be here?" Luffy turns to Law, doesn't give a reply to the snide ass nurse who's getting on his nerves and Law smiles down at him, nods his head.

"I'll be here."

* * *

Luffy goes to the hospital early in the morning the next day. Hoping to see Law before class, no thanks to the pointless policies of the hospital, which don't even make sense to him. What do they think he's going to do while he's there, throw a fucking party? Either way, even if it's a couple minutes really, he'll take it. He's feeling like he's going through withdrawal and Law's all he craves. Honestly just wants to make sure he's okay and that he _means _it when he says he is. Not just some empty words that he'll croak out to make Luffy not worry because that in itself, makes him worry about ten times more than if Law were to just tell him he wasn't.

Walks in and heads to the elevator, up to the floor the CSU is on. It's quiet and empty. Seems like not that many people swing by at seven in the morning in the middle of December. Hears the ding and walks out, down the hall to Law's room and sees a lady holding a few sheets and peeks inside behind her.

Doesn't see Law.

"Hey, do you know where Law is?" The lady turns around, stuffs the dirtied sheets into a bin.

"Sorry sweetie, he was taken this morning. I'm just here to clean up." She pulls out a clean sheet, folded a couple of times and walks back into the room and Luffy's left alone. Saddened by sight of an empty bed it even gives him frightening thoughts of how close it could have been that Law could have ended up dying on him. He didn't but he's not there and that's what makes Luffy's insides turn.

Law had told him he'd still be there. He said he'd fucking be there.

It's the third time he's been lied to, and it's a feeling he really fucking hates.

* * *

**A/N: **my lazy ass couldn't get this out seriously I had no idea how hard it'd be to write this, but here it is now? so? yay? sorry it took so long though. I look forward to hearing from you guys as always! Lots of love. ~S


	13. Sanatorium

**TRIGGER WARNINGS: **Mental hospital, body dysmorphic disorder, multiple personality disorder (I wasn't really sure whether or not to put these two disorders up here since they're not very heavily mentioned and discussed yet, but I put them up just to be safe)

* * *

Law makes it a point to remember to give a note or something to the nurse who thought it'd be a good idea to transfer his ass at six in the fucking morning, after he'd been tossing and turning all night.

She's a real piece of work and he despises it. Knows he'll probably never hear the end of it from Luffy, too. Too tired to think about how he's going to deal with it though. Walks down the hall and there's the same old guard he's gotten used to having around him for the past few days behind him. As if he'd run away now, while there are at least twenty people in the vicinity that could sedate his ass. And just as easily drag him to whatever room he gets tossed into in this sickening purgatory that he's already dead tired of. And it's not even 7:30 in the morning.

"Don't you get it?! I'm disgusting! I'm hideous get away from me!" Law hears some man shouting, and it's just _fantastic. _Do people think he's actually crazy, is that why he's in this place?

"I said get away, don't fucking touch me! Let me go you old bitch, let me _go!" _The yelling continues and he wonders what's going on. He even hears the backlash of some slaps and punches and the woman walking next to him puts on a smile that looks dead scary and tells him not to worry about it. Not to mind. How the hell can he not mind if this guy or whoever it is, is just shouting at the top of his lungs at the crack of fucking dawn?

Robin, his new and _supposedly_ improved psychiatrist for the time he's in here walks him through the halls. Makes a point by heavily emphasizing that for some patients, staring will only rile them up even more. To which Law replies with a heavy dosage of sarcasm. Where's he supposed to look if someone's shouting at the top of their lungs and throwing punches at this time?

She only repeats he shouldn't stare, and continues down to where his room for the next month is supposed to be and tells him about the routinely checkups he'll have to undergo while he's here. Which are _mandatory, _and non negotiable, if he wants to get better. Tells him there's no smoking allowed either and that's just _dandy. _How he's going to survive a month without the beauty that is nicotine is beyond him. But he's done it before, for much longer as well. So for the time being, he'll just have to.

Comes to think everyone who works at this place has a forced smile. It almost freaks him out, how overly happy they look to be at their doors everyday making sure the patients take their medication. Looks like they'll get their asses fired if they don't keep them up, thinks it must be tiring and their muscles are probably going to start spazzing the second they relax their frightening as hell facial expression.

Wonders when they'll get to his god forsaken room so he can sleep on what'll probably be an uncomfortable mattress and pillow. Even worse than the hospital bed. And if _this_, hearing some guy shout about how ugly he is and seeing all these creepy smiles are going to be his daily routine then shit. He really wishes he had died.

* * *

After being very thoroughly examined in a room, told to squat and cough as if he'd have had the time to put _anything _up there between almost dying and being brought here, Law walks down the hallway. Chokes out a couple of hello's to a duo of old women who call him a dead sweetheart and he doesn't know if they mean it literally or if their choice in words just could be a little better.

"HEY! YOU WITH THE HAIR!" Law hears from down the hall and thinks it's a really vague way of addressing someone. So he keeps walking, these halls are filled with people shouting out and screaming, no less, that he's already, in about the span of two hours, learned to tune it out.

"WITH THE COOL TATTOOS!" He hears again, voice gets closer and he turns around because he figures that's him. That isn't conceited. Unless it's the old man who had full out sleeves and sat in a chair with nothing but a tank top on, but he'll leave it to the last second to find out. Finds a face in his own, way too close for comfort.

"What the hell-"

"Hey! You're new here right?!" The guy asks, way too fucking excitedly. Talks like they're in high school and Law's a new student, and they're _not_ in some sanatorium. But if it matters, yeah, he's fucking _new here._

"That's one way to start a conversation." Law notes, turns to walk back to his room because the place is way too large for him to find out where the cafeteria is himself and whoever the stranger is, keeps following him.

"Man slow down! I'm supposed to get a roomie today and I was just wondering if it was you! I mean, I've never seen you around and I practically know _everyone!_" The male questions, Law turns to look at him. Whoever taught this guy, who couldn't be much younger than him unless it was a case of looking younger than he was, his manners clearly did a shit job.

"Well?" He's persistent and it reminds Law of Luffy.

"I don't know? Maybe?" Law tells him, how the hell is he supposed to know anyways.

"Well whatever I guess we'll find out when we reach it! I'm Sachi!" Now named Sachi, keeps following Law and walks down the hall beside him, saying his own good mornings to the few people that are also up and awake at this time.

"Law."

"Law huh… cool. _Mysterious. _You ever heard of Michael Jackson?" And it's a stupid question. Law thinks it's way too early for this.

"Who hasn't?" Law raises an eyebrow, thinks maybe Sachi thinks he's stuck in some era where he doesn't know anything about anyone considered legendary.

"Your hair kinda looks like his." Sachi says with a loud laugh that's a woman has to tell him to keep down.

"Do you have something wrong with your eyesight?"

"No I mean, if you tilt your head like… 80 degrees… y'know and angle yourself... and under the shitty light… kinda." Sachi says and Law looks at him like he's got to be fucking toying with him and if this _is _his little 'roomie', he's going to lose it. He's known the guy five minutes and already has struck over 60% of his nerves.

"On second thought, you kind of look more like the screamo band type. Am I right?"

"No. Not even close." Law sighs, thinks he talks even more than Luffy does and Luffy talks _a lot. _But at least Law enjoys Luffy's company, to an extent. _This guy? _Not so much.

"Damn." He mumbles, the two of them walk in mostly silence, for Law at least. Sachi talking about everything he possibly can within the thirty seconds it takes to get to Law's room and he can see the excitement in the other man's eyes.

"So you _are _my roomie! This is going to be cool!" Sachi shouts, like hip hip fucking hooray. He wants to tell him to quit making it sound like they've both moved away for college and ended up meeting at a club stand then coincidentally being each other's roommates. Doesn't want to kill his vibe though.

"So what are you in here for?"

"Well you waste absolutely no fucking time, do you?" If this is how Sachi intends on making a first impression, Law's going to end up at the conclusion that he's annoying, nosy, and _rude. _

"Sorry! You don't have to tell me if you don't want to I was just curious."

"Right." Law rolls his eyes, lies down on the bed which quite honestly isn't as bad and he notices Sachi sulking from the other side of the room and sighs.

"Attempted a few nights ago and they sent me here. Apparently I'm a _'danger to myself.' _Or whatever." He gets it out but it's like a grumble and not so much actual _speech. _He see's the dumb look Sachi had on his face droop down to something much more sad and actually concerned, more for himself though. Like he'd caught himself talking too much and now it's come to bite him in the ass.

"Oh. Oh man I'm sorry you didn't have to-"

"It's okay." Law tells him because he doesn't really mind it so much anymore. Thinks about asking Sachi why he's here too but doesn't want to pry. He's not that kind of person and figures with the way Sachi is he'll tell him eventually.

"So this ward wakes up at 7 every morning-" Law flashes Sachi a look that could kill. Seven in the morning _every fucking day_\- "bullshit I know! Apparently there's another place on the other side of the city that wakes up at 7:30, those... _worms_." Sachi begins and Law watches him clench his hands like he really must want that extra thirty minutes of sleep. But who's he to deny such a pleasure?

"Anyways, I don't know if they told you because they didn't tell _me_ when _I _came here," Sachi glares off into the surrounding area, seems like if he could tell someone off right now he would, "but meds are given three times a day. You know, wake up meds, lunch meds, sleep meds." He informs Law and Law nods back, lets him continue because he looks like he's itching to go on.

"They've also got group therapy here and it's really annoying at times but the patients mean well! It's at 9 every morning so get used to that and uh... also dinner is at 6. Way too early if you ask me. I think someone should tell them... oh and you'll probably start seeing a shrink every day sooner or later. They call lights out at 11 but no one ever really sleeps unless your meds knock you out cold." Sachi says, looks around the room while he's talking and Law does too, trying to see if maybe he's following a fly with his eyes or if he's just aimlessly darting his eyes from corner to corner.

"What the hell do you do here for the other... twelve hours?" Law asks him because surely they don't expect him to just sit in his room for the entire day.

"Oh! They've got shit for us to do. Some games and just recently they brought in fucking cable for the less crazy patients! There's movie night every Friday too, but all they ever play is really crappy old black and white movies. Last week they had some shitty holiday movies playing though." Law's not too eager to go fucking play the game of life ironically for a month. Nor is he eager to watch really crappy Christmas movies while everyone on the _outside _actually enjoys their holidays. Wishes he could just sleep it away.

* * *

Law walks into the large cafeteria behind Sachi, all the while he goes on and on about how utterly crappy the food is here, but sometimes they get lucky and end up with literal heaven on their plate. At least, as close to heaven as it can get. Tells Law he can't spoil it and he has to wait until that day comes around. If it does while he's in here.

"HEY! You're not supposed to pick at your skin!" Sachi yells at a male, looks like he's in his late teens and freezes up when he does.

"Ah shit, fuck." The male swears when he realizes what he'd been doing. Law eyeing him and wondering what it's all about when Sachi sighs and notices his expression that couldn't get any more confused. Leans back and whispers in his ear.

"He's got body dysmorphic disorder so don't say shit about his appearance, okay?" Then straightens up and puts a smile on his face. Law's never been one to mention anything about anyone's appearance negatively anyways, the thought never even crossed his mind.

"Penguin! Look this is Law, he's my new roomie!" Sachi sounds like a little boy squealing over the best Christmas gifts he could have ever gotten.

"Hey, hi. Wow your hair is great!" Penguin comments, extends his hand to shake Law's and he takes it, Penguin turning his hand to the side and noticing his tattoos.

"Ohh death huh, cool. You've got great hands too wow this is just crazy. Mine are all weird and bony-"

"Your hands are fine dumbass," Sachi has to whack Penguin's hand in order for Law to get his back, just looks at him like _don't say anything,_ "what's for breakfast?" Sachi asks, to Law it looks like he's just trying to get Penguin to shut up. He wonders who names their kid _Penguin, _or if it's just a nickname he goes by.

"I don't know yet I only just got here." Penguin tells him and watches Law watch everyone else in the room.

"Uh, do we have to stay here until _every _damn person is done eating?" Law asks. Looks around and there are a lot of fucking people. Feels beady eyes look at him and imprint themselves into his skin. He's uncomfortable and just wants to go back to his room. There's one group of patients in the far right who're much too loud and enthusiastic for his taste, and he does everything he can to block them out. Trying to focus on the conversation.

"Yeah, pretty much. After this they call us in for group, what I told you about." Sachi stretches while telling him and Law couldn't hate this anymore than he does already. Feels so fucking tired if he could he'd fall asleep on the table, but it doesn't look too clean. At least not up to his standard, so he'd rather not.

* * *

The group therapy he'd heard of couldn't be any worse than he'd imagined. With everyone's eyes on him makes him wish all of this would just end and that time would speed up, _a lot. _Time is something that isn't on his side though. Forgets about ever asking it for any sort of help.

Listens to an older male, who identifies himself as Mihawk start up the "circle of conversation". Goes clockwise, meaning Law's last to say whatever the fuck it is the guy wants.

Each person going around saying their names and their goal for the week. Sounded ridiculously stupid to him mostly because he doesn't have one. Hears Sachi say his goal is to get the staff here to consider bringing in more muffins. He laughs to himself. Penguin saying he agrees with him and that he'd like if he could go the rest of the week without picking at his face. Seems fair.

Goes full circle until it reaches Law and really he doesn't know. Says his goal is to find a proper goal. Mihawk nods and take that as an answer, much to his surprise. Goes on with talking about feelings and safe methods of stress relief. All shit Law's previous psychiatrist has already told him about so he ends up day dreaming about what his Christmas is going to be like inside a fucking asylum.

* * *

At about 3:30 Law's awoken by Sachi, sitting on the edge of his bed, rather than his own and looking up at the ceiling. He just sits there and twiddles his thumbs like it's nobodies business. And the fact he'd woken Law up, on a night he _actually _managed to sleep, makes it his business.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"Oh did I wake you? My sincerest apologies." Sachi tells him and Law's freaked. Sits up and rubs his face and really, he could punch the guy in the fucking throat right now. It's the first time he's gotten sleep and this jackass just _wakes_ him up, no sweat.

"What are you _doing?" _Law questions, words come out as low groan and he yawns.

"Just thinking."

"So think on your own fucking bed Sachi, get off." Law shoves his legs, tries to kick him off the bed but Sachi's pretty quick on his feet. Does some fucking 360 degree flip over his bed and has his hands around Law's neck. Its not tight, just enough to add pressure.

"My name is Casquette. You should really remember what your roommates name is. It's bad manners otherwise." He says, adds more pressure until Law knees him in the abdomen and pushes him off the bed, body hitting the floor.

"What the fuck is your problem?!" Law yells, first night is going pretty uneventful.

"I'm merely stating the fact you should respect peoples names unless you want to end up d-"

"What's going on in here?" A male voice walks in, light beaming through the large door and sees Sachi on the floor, easily makes himself look like Law had just beaten him up.

"This guy is nuts! Why would you make me room with him?!" Sachi exclaims, points at Law and _really? _Law thinks this has to be some stupid nightmare.

"What?" Law can't get anything else out, the whole situation seems fucking unreal and he's even pinching his skin again to make sure he _isn't _dreaming. The man, followed by two others walk in and nearly grab Sachi and take him out of the room. The younger screaming and kicking at the workers, telling them to fuck off otherwise he'll knife their scalps off.

One of the workers apologizes, tells him to just go back to sleep and like hell Law can do that. The guy almost choked him out for calling him his _name. _Who the fuck is Casquette anyways?

Tries to do as he's told and sleep but it couldn't be a more sleepless filled night.

* * *

Morning comes and Robin, who's been put in charge of Law's well being, comes in. Peppy and says good morning, though it could be about anything other than that. Sachi hadn't come back the rest of the night and he wonders what happened to him. So he makes it a point to ask.

"What happened to Sachi?" He asks Robin and she hums.

"I'm not able to disclose that information to you. But he's fine. You'll see him during breakfast, don't worry." She gives him a smile, hands him a little cup with his pills in it and a glass of water. Takes them and opens his mouth, lifts his tongue so she knows he's actually taken them. She tells him to change quickly and then head down to the cafeteria. He does. Yawns at least twenty times while doing so. The amount of tossing and turning he'd endured last night was enough for a week.

In the cafeteria he spots the male he'd met the day prior, Penguin. Walks over to him thinking he and Sachi must be good friends considering he'd looked out for him the other day and figures he'll know where he is.

Doesn't get the chance to ask.

"LAW! LAW!" Sachi comes running up, paper bag in hand and gives him a punch in the shoulder, sits himself down next to Penguin and hums a very energetic good morning.

"Look I got us all… BLUEBERRY MUFFINS!" Sachi pulls them out from under his shirt, Law thanks god they're wrapped in plastic as Sachi hands one to Penguin and holds one out to Law.

"What the hell was up with you last night?" He asks, disregards the muffin that stares him in the face and watches Sachi take a big bite out of his own.

"What are you talking about?" He asks, Law thinks he's going crazy and it's only his second day. Shakes his head and says never mind, that it was just a dream and sits down. Takes the muffin and gives Sachi his hesitant thanks.

* * *

A few days in and Law's finally allowed visitors, but he feels just as dead as he did when he first woke up knowing he was alive. Gets called down during a really shitty session of group therapy where he's been asked at least twenty times the past few days what his "goal of the week is". Doesn't have one. Always says it's to sleep and someone had called him a _lazy turd, _almost got up and knocked the dumbasses front teeth out.

"So Law, we're usually not supposed to leave patients alone, but considering how hard you've had it and just kind of you know, being "thrown" in here as you might consider it, I've made it so there'll be no one else in the room. Just you and your visitors. It's a one time thing only though, okay?" Robin tells him and he nods. Thanks her and she tells him not to mention it, very literally. Nods again and walks into a small but spacious enough area with a couch and table.

"LAW!" Rocinante shouts and runs over. Gives him the biggest hug he's ever had and notices Luffy's sitting at the couch too, kind of like an awkward first meeting with the parents of the person you're in a relationship with. Finds the whole atmosphere endearing and doesn't even want to see either of them at this point, with how embarrassing he's being. Luffy running up as soon as Rocinante lets go of him and gives him the _second _biggest hug. Returning the tight embrace with so much force Law feels like his arms could pop out of their sockets.

"Hey." He says, Luffy still clutching onto him and he's missed it.

"How you feelin' kiddo? I have to tell you I've missed you." Rocinante asks him, walks him over to the couch and Luffy lets go, only to reach over, takes Law's hands in his and holds them tight. He's missed him.

"Fine I guess. It's only been a few days." Law tells him but he really just wants to cuddle up on a couch with Luffy the way they would when he'd come to his place after class.

"Really?" Luffy intervenes. Just trying to make sure he's not lied to again.

"Yeah."

"Where were you?"

"Here. I didn't know they'd transfer me so early. I'm sorry." Law apologizes and Luffy nods. Understands it's not his fault but his grip tightens anyways.

"This place looks like the food sucks." Luffy notes and Rocinante hums in agreement. Law nodding his head and smiling. Luffy would mention food.

"You're not wrong. I miss your brunch." Law says, Luffy smiling because it's the worst feeling for him. Not being able to have Law around.

"A package came for you in the mail the other day. From the university." Rocinante tells him and Law's eyes go wide, in shock really. Didn't think he'd hear back and didn't think Rocinante would be the one to get it.

"Oh." Law just darts his eyes around. Feels a bit happy in the pit of his stomach but he's not going to go to school anytime soon. Not anymore.

"What?" Luffy questions, looks at him with raised eyebrows and a smile slowly trying to creep its way onto his face.

"You didn't tell me you were considering going back." Rocinante inquires and shit, neither did he. Not at first.

"I wasn't. I mean, I didn't think they'd reply." Law tells him and Luffy looks ridiculously happy for him.

"If it's a package it means that's good right? A letter is usually how they say no, so a package is great!" Luffy tells him and he knows. He remembers when he'd first gotten in and received four packages in the mail. All of which Rocinante had opened before he got home, surprised him with a cake that said 'YOU DID IT' in bright blue frosting.

"Listen, Law I'm proud of you, you know I am-"

"But?"

"But I don't want you to force yourself to do any of this."

"I'm not forcing myself. I want to." Mostly for Luffy. Somewhat for himself. Leaves that little detail out.

"If that's really the case you know you have my support. I just don't want it to get too hard on you again is all." Rocinante pats him on the shoulder. Gives him a big smile, but it's also a concerned facial expression Law know he wears when he's just trying to be as supportive of him as he can be. All things considered.

"It's okay. I don't think I can't go in if I'm here so-"

"I can talk to them. They'll understand. And if they sent you a _package, _it's for good reason. They can wait a month." Rocinante tells him, tries to give him a much needed confidence boost.

"There are other people that try to get in too. Why would they wait on me?"

"You're smart! Like _really_ smart, Law. Why wouldn't they?" Luffy tells him and it's nice and refreshing hearing that from someone other than Rocinante but it doesn't change his mind. Groans at the thought of having to tell the administrations office something along the lines of _'hey, I'm super suicidal and in a psych ward so if you could you know, not give away my spot, that'd be super great.'_

"Whatever. It doesn't matter."

"It does!"

"Luffy." Rocinante calls out his name, gets him to be silent for a couple of seconds which is kind of a miracle.

"You don't have to think about it now. Just work on getting better, that's your priority." The older tells Law and he sighs. Feels really tired.

"Sure."

"_Sure? _What the fuck is _sure?" _Luffy asks him. Gets ticked off with the way Law's not so interested in getting help. Like he couldn't care less, just doesn't give a damn.

"Sure is sure. I don't have a choice, do I?"

"You say it like... I don't know, you'd rather be _dead_ than be here." Luffy tells him, Law looking down at the floor and at their hands that are still intertwined before Luffy pulls his back.

"I don't mean it like that." Law's sorry. Again. Always says the wrong things.

"There's no other way to mean it." Luffy's serious eyes look like they could kill a man. That man is him, he's pretty much dying inside. And for the most part he really doesn't understand why Luffy's so damned angry. And it's almost as if his own anger stems out of Luffy's.

Rocinante just looks at the two of them like the awkward third wheel on an odd date gone wrong and sighs.

"Law, you know he just looks out for you."

"I don't need either of you to, I don't need a baby sitter." Law snaps back.

"Right if he didn't you'd be dead. Tell me that's fine and that you totally are one hundred fucking percent okay, Law." Luffy says, Law unable to give him what he wants to hear. Sees Luffy roll his eyes and sigh.

"I'm not trying to baby you Law I just want to help."

"You're not a saint or hero. You can't fucking fix or _heal _me, or whatever the fuck you think you can accomplish. I don't even get why you're _here._" Law snaps and it's almost like déjà vu. He's been experiencing a lot of that lately.

"I never said I was! I'm just trying-"

"To help yeah, I know. I fucking got it. But I don't _need _you." Law says and it's clearly trying Luffy's patience and if he didn't know any better it almost looks like Luffy's ready to give him another fist to the jaw. But he doesn't, though his fists are closed and shaking by his sides.

"You don't?" Luffy questions, eyes blown wide as if someone had just shot him with a pistol straight into his vitals.

"No." That, Law thinks, has to be the most gut-wrenching lie he's ever told and it's very much the same feeling for Luffy. Fuck if he gives a damn about it though. He doesn't need to be babied. All he manages to do is push. Push push push people's buttons until they've had enough and leave.

"I get you're all about being on your own and whatever but _come _the fuck _on! _You have to trust me, Law!" Luffy sounds like he's at his last straw and it's about to snap. Law's the one who does the snapping.

"Well I don't." Comes out loud and aggressive and thinks this place is definitely going to make him even crazier than people think he already is. Stares at how hurt Luffy looks and then to Rocinante, who looks at him like he's _never_ lashed out before and that he's not who he is.

"I can't." He sighs, gets up out of his seat and slams the chair into the desk the two of them sit at, walks out and he hears Luffy call out his name but walks out anyways. He's good at that, at least.

On his way out makes a little pit stop at an office. Asks for them to change his visitation rules, says he wants absolutely _no one _to be able to come see him. The man in charge of visitation tells him he can't really control if anyone goes out of their way to come see him and he says fine.

He'll just refuse to see them when they do.

* * *

It's been a week since Law was admitted and he's already feeling pretty accustomed to the routine they've got going on here as well. Besides the overly regular check ups on his vitals and questions about how he feels since the attempt. Walks down the hall after group, heads for his room but stops when he hears an eager voice call him from behind.

"Hey Law!" Penguin approaches him, looks like he has some snacks in his hands.

"Hey, where'd you even get all that?" Asks and points to the chocolate and chip bags showing from under his shirt, also tells him his method of whatever this is, sucks.

"I snuck em, don't tell." He gives Law a menacing kind of stare and Law just reassures he won't, he doesn't have a reason to. As long as he gets one of those chocolate bars, and Penguin grumbles. Hands over the snickers and he has Law's thanks.

"So we, Sachi and I, are thinking we should bust out of this place. You know like do some mission impossible type of shit and just break the doors down!" He's definitely not all that creative but Law gives him kudos on even thinking of it.

"You're insane. You can't be serious." Law's choice of words couldn't be poorer, but the guy himself goes around telling people off with the very word. Has given Law the 'ok' because he apparently thinks he's a cool role model.

"Listen, I'll grab some spoons-"

"You want me to dig my way out with a fucking _spoon?" _

"Hey, not all of us are in here for one measly month. Poor Sachi's had his ass in here for like what, six, seven?" Penguin says, coughs out loud as overly dramatic as he can while opening a bag of chips and starts eating.

"Weeks?" He asks because that doesn't seem all that bad really. Not as though he's been here for-

"No dumbass, months." Law thinks, shit. Thanks fuck he doesn't have to be in there that long. Knows for sure he'd lose his head and walk out with it screwed on backwards.

"Why's he in here anyways?" Law asks. Thinks he sounds like a teenager trying to get in on the latest gossip.

"Oh, he's got multiple personalities. One day he's Sachi, next day he's not. Has he called himself Casquette around you yet?" Penguin asks him and it kind of makes sense now.

"Yeah, once." Law says and he'd thought he was joking around but apparently not.

"Yeah that's his "other self" or whatever? I don't know shit about it all I know is they keep him here 'cause apparently his mom thinks he's nuts and going to kill them in their sleep or something. Well that's what I heard at least." Penguin says as casually as possible and Law thinks he's got himself one fucking _great _roommate. Doesn't really believe the last part because Sachi, or Casquette, has been nothing but welcoming to him. Rumors are rumors.

* * *

Laying in his bed, it's maybe three, four in the morning and a place like this to Law is really forsaking his sanity. Drains it right out of him along with anything else he's got left to be taken away. And perhaps that's the very reason he should be there. Feels fucked up in a way no recreational drug nor his own previous medication made him feel. Had always contemplated asking to make a phone call to Rocinante and tell him he'd better find a way to get him the fuck out of there before he ends up losing himself completely, but never did. Never does.

Just lets himself go on with a really shitty daily routine that a psychiatrist other than his own had told him would help regulate his lifestyle. Thinks even she's got to be feeling the effects of a place like this, because the very thought of him having any sort of life in a place like this is crazy.

Law knows though, the difference between himself and some of the other patients. Knows he's not insane or anything of the sort. There were those that thought they could see their dead parents while walking down the hall and though he's had his fare share of nightmares where his mother lays in a pool of blood asking why the hell he's done this to her, he figures it's got to be way different.

In his own sickness he can feel it getting worse. Feel every inch of his skin crawl and maybe there's a bug on him, looks down at his arm and there's nothing. Can very literally feel himself losing it. Tells himself again and again he's not insane, he's just disconnected from his usual life. Which wasn't much, but it's a hell of a lot better than being in here and he's at least come to realize that. And if one more person in group therapy asks him what the fuck his stupid goal is he'll tell them it's to get the fuck out of this place.

His nights are mostly him awake, very much taking into detail every spot and crack in the tiles of his room. Counts twenty-six of them, excluding the possible ones that could be under the furniture. Wishes he had a cigarette because the crave is making his skin itch.

And it's only a month he has to be in here and everyday he finds it harder, having to remind himself of that. Just one month. Just three more weeks. Just seventeen more days.

But it's not enough and all the counting he finds to be unnecessary isn't helping.

And income the nightmares.

* * *

**A/N: **SO it's definitely been... a while. Not _that _long but still pretty long. My bad.

ANYWAYS here's this chapter. It's an intro kind of to the friendship between Law, Penguin and Sachi so there's not much to it yet but I'm getting there. I hope it's not as shitty as I keep thinking it is because I've had it ready for two weeks and it just frustrates me. Enjoy it anyways and leave me your thoughts or whatever you know, feed my ego and such. Lots of love. ~S


	14. Isolation

**TRIGGER WARNINGS: **Physical abuse.

* * *

Law's eyes nearly jolt open at the pain of having his jaw come in contact with what feels like hard metal. A man in a black hoodie pulled over his head, red strands of hair sticking out is the one leading the show. He knows _one _person who's hair is that red.

Just so happens that Kid, is the one throwing the blows. Very snidely, Law notes through teared up eyes, beating the shit out of him. All he can feel is a loud pounding in his head. Hard concrete under his body. And the uncomfortable presence of one too many people standing around.

Kid's smiling while he does it too. Like he's getting a real kick out of it, _very literally_. Law feels a hard boot nearly break his shin and it's not that hard to guess it's Killer. He's always been the one with the ridiculous construction worker type boots on. For whatever damn reason he has. Maybe he had a side job he just didn't want to admit to. Who knows?

Law thinks he must be going crazy if this is the type of shit he's thinking of during his little episode of public humiliation.

Regardless. Said boot like that hurt like a motherfucker, and Law's guttural groans don't seem to be enough for Kid's sick sadistic satisfaction. Law somehow hears him tell Killer to do it again.

So it's one more kick to the shin. Another punch to the jaw.

Law even feels hands grip his neck and hold his head up, since he can't do it himself. Kid's got these dark black eyes with no pupil that could constitute to the reasoning behind him doing this. He's got no soul. If Law could laugh now, he would. This would be a _great _time to. Until he partially reads Kid's lips and hears what he says.

Says some shit about making Law want to die more than he already does. Feels his hands press hard against his skin when he tries to swallow blood laced saliva. Law's barely able to open his eyes through the swelling that's no doubt already left his face a deep purple. He doesn't really need to, to know everyone else around him is smiling too. He can feel it through his skin. And it's either that, or the actual burning sensation coming from Bonney's lighter that's giving him a little smiley on his arm.

The lack of effort from the countless people that Law can hear around them is all Law needs to know. There are a couple of "ohhs" and "ahhs" when Kid lands a kick to his gut. And Kid's foot might as well be made of coal, dipped into oil and ignites when it comes in contact with Law's gut. The flames set Law's insides on fire. And of course, there's his own rough gasp that screams for air, but it isn't the kind of sound Kid seems to want out of him. Even now, he's being a disappointment.

Through ringing ears, he hears Kid tell him to beg. He's not a dog; he's not going to listen to Kid like he's his fucking master. He knows the kind of reaction they want from him and he'll refuse to give it even if it kills him. And that really might be Law's near fatal mistake. Or it would have been, if not for the loud shriek in the back that startles everyone and gets them to scatter. At least that's what it looks like through his clouded sight.

Notices everyone start to run as if _their_lives were the ones at risk and not his own. With the amount of times his head has been slammed into the cement he could be haemorrhaging right now. No one would know. Or perhaps all this head banging that should have been left for a party, would give him such a severe concussion he'd never wake up. It'd leave him in a coma. A young boy could only dream.

Kid leans down to whisper something into Law's ear that he now can't make out through how much ringing there is going on. Watches him spit on the floor before him, which for Kid, is quite _kind_of him. To not just spit on Law's face instead, and then takes his own leave, Killer not too far behind. There was a distinct reason why he went by that nickname. Law being very close to realizing said reason.

Within what seems like forever to him, a large body appears, saying all the shit he always hears on TV when watching crime shows with Rocinante. The standard, "stay with me!" and "someone call 911!" with the additional slur of curse words to "find those fucking kids" and if Law could give out a laugh he would. But he can't even keep his eyes open. The pain and the sting of just trying is so bad he'd rather die. And maybe that was the whole point.

So now if he _does_kick the can, he won't regret much of it but the fact it was by the hands of his best friend. Or ex best friend. He's never liked those kinds of labels but now, just for the next twenty seconds he's estimating he'll be conscious, he'll slap Kid with the label of an ex best friend. Because that's about as much damage as he can throw.

And compared to Kid, it's pathetic.

/

A week and a half later, Law's allowed back in school. Or at least, he'd been well enough to go for that long. Though Rocinante had begged him to stay home, he said he'd look more of a coward than he already does if he didn't go by now. Getting Rocinante to ask him for nearly the hundredth time, who the fuck did this to him. Law shrugs it off, changes the subject and asks Rocinante if he wants his coffee black.

The principal has questioned him for twenty minutes before class. And nearly his entire lunch period, this time with two cops around to write down everything Law says. Which only constitutes of "I don't know, I can't remember." And it's not _all_a lie. But he's a smart kid. Or so he likes to give himself credit for. He knows this kind of severe trauma to the head could lead to either temporary or permanent amnesia. And though he has neither, knows exactly who did this to him, and could make an educated guess as to why, he just wants to put it past him. As much as everyone else will let him. And unfortunately, it isn't much.

Rocinante's told him to tell the damn truth. He can see through Law's little "I don't remember" face and tone of voice that he _knows. _Sometimes he wishes he didn't know him as well as he does, but for that, Law can't really do much. All he _can_do, though he thinks of it too as feeble, is avoid and ignore.

And he _tries_to, for the most part. But it's a bit difficult when his assaulters are in the same class as him, sitting less than four desks to his right. Law's large turtleneck is big enough to hide the last of the green bruises on his body and cast that's wrapped around his left arm.

But the right side of his face is still a deep purple, and that's what catches people's attention. He'd gotten a few questions in the halls asking what the hell happened to him, how he broke his arm so bad, and even if he's affiliated with _a gang. _

All to which Law ignored, gaining him a few "Is he mute now?" questions that he also tried to tune out. If he wanted to he could tell them to shut the fuck up, and that _no,_he's not mute. He just doesn't want to talk.

But it doesn't come out. And he doesn't feel like he owes anyone an explanation anyways. If anything, someone needs to tell him why the fuck he was sought out, because he sure as hell doesn't know.

Being able to write with both hands was the only good outcome of this, seeing as he still needed to take down notes. The last thing he wants to do is be stuck in English for another hour. The red head burning through his skin with his gaze. He looks like he's itching to say something or lunge over the tables between them and finish the job. Law knew Kid to have violent tendencies, but he doesn't know what made him be violent _with him._Would ask if it didn't look like Kid could pull out a knife and jump him _in the classroom._

Law's been a pretty brave kid. Losing his parents at such a young age. Rocinante's commented to a few other adults how well Law's managed to take it, all things considered. And he'd mourned. He maybe didn't do it the right way, but it was _his_way. Now though, Law staring at his empty notebook and twiddling his pencil with his free hand is angry. He's angry, but he's terrified. He's fucking _terrified_of Kid.

His teacher is discussing the process of applying to universities and colleges. What grades you should have for what program, and so on. Law tries to write down whatever points she deems is important and worth remembering. Though being as angry as he is, he manages to break the lead in his pencil with every few words he gets down.

"Remember to-" Break. "emphasize your-" Break. "good and bad points," Break.

The sound of lead breaking is nowhere near as loud as the sound of an arm breaking. Remembers it a little too well for someone who'd also had his head banged against the cement one too many times. He doesn't know why he's even bothering to write any of this down.

Law already knows where he wants to go and what he wants to do and Rocinante always makes it a point to tell him how proud he is of him. How proud is parents would be of him. However right now, the only thing on Law's mind is that if it weren't for the fact he had the "wildest" break on an arm his doctor had ever seen, he'd be the one doing the lunging and beating. He would, and he wouldn't have a single care in the world.

* * *

Too early in the morning, Law's asked to go see his psychiatrist. Not so much asked, as it is nearly demanded of him. He's got to get his ass out of bed and put on a new change of clothes within five minutes or someone will do it for him. Really, he couldn't be bothered. If someone wanted to _try_to drag him out of there, they could. But the reality of it was he's not up to moving, not up to talking, not _up _period. His eyes are clouded as they try to adjust to the bright light in the room. There's a reason his blanket is pulled over his head and it's not because he's fucking cold. He lays in bed for maybe five minutes before the nurse returns and asks him to get up again. He doesn't. Beds too comfy and while he's not exactly cold the warmth doesn't shout "get up!" in any way.

So his ass is forcefully dragged out.

"How do you find yourself feeling here? Any better? Worse?" Robin asks him. It's ten in the morning. He gives her a yawn, followed by a second. He's gotten about give or take, two to three miraculous hours of sleep.

As honest as he can be at this time, it's a wee bit too early to be asked this question.

"I'd need a better adjective than worse to describe how I feel here." He tells her with another yawn, a big one at that and she notes he's clearly lacking in the sleep department. Because the large bags under his eyes weren't a dead giveaway.

"Such as?" More questions. It's always question after question, he doesn't know why that bothers him as much as it does. After all, the only way they'd know how he feels is if they asked.

"I don't know. Disastrous? Detrimental?" Those are the first two singular words that pop up into his head. Next to the lengthy "this place is a literal shit hole, and I want to fucking _leave_".

"Why would you pick those?"

"Because those are the two words that came to my mind first."

"Why's that?" He doesn't think a reason is necessary and that the words should be pretty self explanatory.

"I feel like I'm going crazier in here than I was at home. There I was just, well, _there._ Here, I'm here. And there. And everywhere and nowhere at the same time and my fucking roommate tried to jump me too, so there's that. Some old man in the cafeteria keeps talking to his dead wife and he keeps trying to introduce me to fucking _Susan._I don't want to meet her. I don't give a single _fuck_about _Susan._ I feel like sooner or later I'mgoing to fucking see my dead _cat_ thanks to him." What he knows as babbling on, Robin does as "an episode". He's no hit TV drama. Her writing is much more clear than his previous psychiatrist, so it's not that difficult for him to flip the words on her paper right side up. And a big fuck off, is all he wants to give her as a reply to any other damn questions she has. He doesn't need to hear them to know they'll make him want to rip out every last strand of his hair.

"Sachi has his own problems to deal with. If you need a room transfer-"

"No." Lets out a heavy tired sigh, "I know why he's like that. And it's not his fault; I'm just being too much, maybe. But there's him, and there's fucking _Susan,_and Penguin wants to dig the fuck out of this place with god damn spoons like we're living the Shawshank Redemption and I... I could wring a neck right now if I wanted to. I won't, I'm just saying _if I wanted to. _But I don't want to. Just to clarify." He repeats the end several times to make sure she's got the message. He's watching her like a hawk as she somehow maintains eye contact with him, but writes nearly every word for word thing he's just said to her. Which isn't exactly a good thing but, again. All while maintaining eye contact. Until she blinks and sighs, putting her pen down along with the mood. Not that it was too high up in Law's books to begin with.

"It's okay to be uncomfortable with your surroundings. It's not an unusual feeling people have when first being admitted here, Law. Some get accustomed quicker than others, and some, not so much. It doesn't mean you're the problem. Your illness is." She says, and he's heard that before. It's no surprise to him. It seems like all therapists or psychiatrists take the same lesson in 'how to console your patients' because it all sounds the fucking _same. _He doesn't really have anything to say to that but tries to gives her a "sure" though his exhaustion escapes his mouth quicker than his voice in a yawn as his sort of reply. He's just really fucking tired. Last night, the night before, three nights before that, all had him awake and nearly drowning in a pool of his own sweat.

He's got a thing or two to say to these doctors who think the medication he's on is doing it's job. Or perhaps it's just him, but quite frankly it feels like a complete waste of time and they're probably doing nothing but damaging his liver. They weren't as improved and guaranteed to work as they'd said.

"Have you been taking your medication?" She asks, snapping him out of mid-thought like she'd read his mind.

"What kind of question is that? You think I wouldn't take it?" He's almost _offended _she'd ask such a thing. If he's stuck in this shit hole, of course he's going to take his damned medication. It isn't like he has any choice otherwise.

"Just a normal question, Law."

"Well yeah. I have four people standing around me making sure I swallow the damn thing every fucking six hours. And I mean _really _checking. They demand I lift my tongue so they can make sure I haven't hidden the damn thing under there and plan on spitting it out as soon as they leave the room."

"That's good-"

"It's not good, I feel like a caged animal at the zoo with no more than fifty square feet of fucking space to move around." Alright. He knows these analogies make maybe half the amount of sense it did in his head. Not as much as he wishes they would. And probably sound much more stupid out loud. Though he could just say, "Hey, I feel fucking suffocated in here." But apparently, this whole zoo thing sounds much better. And then the conversation will turn into one he's unbelievably tired of.

"Why?" "I don't know." And then it'll go a little silent while she writes something down about his poor state of mind and clear lack of vocabulary.

But she doesn't ask him why. Instead she gives a little help. Because maybe she somehow sees that his limited vocabulary when speaking about feelings and his mind and shit comes in.

"Law, it's just protocol. Unfortunately many patients do what you're talking about. But if I were to guess... you feel trapped almost?"

"I feel trapped, yeah. There's no almost. I feel like whatever I do, whatever medication I take, I'm still going to be the same. Or you know, worse." He gives her a shrug and doesn't make a big deal out of the whole not asking "why" thing. Maybe she's tired of it too. He knows if he was a therapist or psychiatrist or even just listening to a friend talk he'd get annoyed by asking "why" when it's obvious they don't know.

"Medication is made to help you get better Law-"

"Yeah, _help. _Sometimes it's not enough. You know what kind of help I'd like? Euthanasia." He says. He's accepted his own downfall and ultimate demise from this stupid illness. That he doesn't, and most likely, will never understand why he has to deal with. Robin only stares at him with a blank expression and it makes it hard for Law to read her face that infuriates him even more. He didn't think it was possible, but maybe, he hates this place more than he hates himself.

And that's a lot of fucking hate inside one person.

* * *

Four in the afternoon. Law's laying in his bed facing the wall counting the numerous cracks in the paint he sees. There's a knock on the door and it opens shortly after, he's told he has visitors. It's five past four when he manages to convince the woman standing at his door to tell them to leave. He's not taking any visitors. And it'll stay that way.

Robin visits shortly after and asks him why he's isolating himself. He says he's not. He's just feeling unwell, and wants to try to sleep it off. She says okay, but the look on her face says she doesn't buy into it.

It's a few hours before lights out when Sachi is told to go back to his original room with Law. Not five seconds after the door closes behind him, he makes countless attempts at starting a conversation with him.

How was your day? How was talking with Robin? Did you see old man Ralph trying to call upon Susan again?

Law's too into his book to even look up let alone reply. Really, he's just been staring blankly at the same page for what seems like a good forty minutes. Reading the same line over and over occasionally.

_"What I think is, you're supposed to leave somebody alone if he's at least being interesting and he's getting all excited about something. I like it when somebody gets excited about something. It's nice."_

The line vaguely reminds him of Luffy.

When it's lights out, Sachi falls asleep almost immediately. Lets out an unbelievably loud groan and shouts that he's pooped from doing whatever it was he said. Law didn't catch it. He's in his own little bubble, and it goes on that way for the next week.

* * *

"Law c'mon, get up! Let's go!" Sachi nearly breaks the door down, barging in like there's a fire and he's got to get the hell out of there, ASAP.

"What?"

"Tonight is movie night! _Apparently,_according to an inside source…they're showing Lord of the Rings!" Sachi exclaims, and it's pretty obvious he's beyond excited. Considering the fact they've been replaying shitty holiday movies for the past week and nothing _but,_it's not hard to see why.

It's a week until Christmas, but Christ almighty have mercy on them. Home Alone 2 wasn't good. It'll never be good no matter how many times he watches it. Ever.

Neither will Sachi's never ending complaining about the movie. He's memorized every single scene where Sachi asks, "Why the fuck are we watching this shitty movie?" "This movie is shit." and, "I fucking hate this shit movie."

"Are _you_ the inside source?" He asks. If he were to face it as honestly as he could, there's really no one else who'd be hunting around for information like that anyways.

"It's a secret? What kind of source gives away their name?" Sachi questions back. He walks over to Law's bed and sits in front of him, could even break the damn thing if he sat down any harder.

"I'll pass." Law tells him, holds up his book again that isn't such a bad read after the fourth time.

"WHAT?! No! Come on! Penguin said he'd get us snacks too!" Sachi knocks the book he deems to be the distraction in the conversation out of Law's hands. Clearly doesn't know the meaning of personal space and it's not really a matter of just telling him to fuck off. Because Law knows even if he does he _won't._But him slapping the book down to hit his lap in order to get him to go is probably… not the best idea.

"I don't want any snacks, you can have them." Law says. Sachi's trying his patience but he'll keep calm.

"Really?!" Sachi says it a little too excitedly and has to clear his throat to put back the "serious voice". He thinks he had going for him. "I mean, well. You sure? You've been cooped up in here for like forever! I never see you man!" He puts on an amusing puppy dog face but it's not amusing enough for Law to just up and agree to watch a movie that's nearly three hours long. Neither does knowing Sachi will undoubtedly talk throughout the entire movie.

"That doesn't make any sense. You're my roommate." He just rebuttals his comments with actual logic, and Sachi doesn't seem to like it. He misses the Law that'd actually _talk._Granted it wasn't as if Law was ever a big talker, but at least he spoke more than now and it wasn't in the most depressing monotone voice Sachi's ever heard.

"I mean outside this room! Shit isn't good for you!"

"I said no." Ignores what he's saying because Law knows it's true. He blocks it out. All of it. Doesn't hear a thing. Will literally kick Sachi the fuck out if he doesn't leave within the next twelve seconds.

Sachi goes on with reasons he should go for another five minutes and thirty-six seconds. That's five minutes and twenty-four seconds more than Law was willing to give him. So he very loudly, tells him to leave him the fuck alone.

"Is everything okay in here?" The damned lady who Law knows is practically posted right outside their door walks in not even five seconds later. For some reason, looks out of breath. As if she ran over as quick as she could, but Law knows she's _always _there.

"Yeah. He was just leaving." Law gives Sachi no choice, watches him storm off like a kid having a temper tantrum and goes back to his book. She asks hi what happened and he ignores it. He's already spoken more than he'd wanted to today. Enough to last the week.

* * *

That said, the week is cut short by Robin and her god forsaken questions. Law finds the chair to be quite comfortable so he enjoys that, at least. Her talking? Not so much.

"Law, I've heard you've been ignoring your visitors?" Robin starts off, and Law just gives her a look that might as well ask her what her point is.

"And?"

"And… would you like to explain to me why?"

"Not really, no."

"You're isolating yourself Law. You know you shouldn't." Surprisingly not a question, but she might as well be asking why he's doing it.

"_And_?"

"_And…_ you need to allow the people around you to help. You need a support system." Also not a question, Law notes it might not be as annoying today as it usually is. But he still doesn't have any particular urge to speak more than four or five words at a time.

"I don't think so."

"They come by every day." She tells him and sure. It'd be nice if he could see Rocinante and hear him crack jokes. Hear Luffy's lovely laughter. But he'd rather not.

"If you're trying to make me feel guilty-"

"I'm not trying to make you feel anything. Don't you think... if you _did _feel guilty, that it's because you know you shouldn't be doing what you're doing?" She questions and she's got a good point. Law won't give it to her though.

"No."

Robin starts up and continues to ask him questions about how he _feels,_and what he _thinks about_. What he _wants, _what he _doesn't want_. What he _would like, _what he _wouldn't. _It's all a jumble of messed up questions that Law ends up only replying to with 'I don't know'. Every time.

* * *

Law takes the long way back to his room. Looks out the window as much as he can through the bars and watches the snow fall as heavy as it comes. Stares out the windows, head turned to the left until he hears the nurse who's constantly perched outside his door call his name. Has yet to learn her own. Tells him there's an "aggressive red head" downstairs who _demands _to see him. And he only knows one red head deemed that aggressive.

After that nightmare, he's the last person Law wants to see. But it's something like, "face your fears!" that chants in the back of Law's head and makes him turn towards the staircase. He goes down, because fuck Kid. And the nerve he _thinks_ he has to come by here. He walks over to the room most of the other visits take place and spots him in the far corner on his phone. Sucks in a breath deep enough to make him cough out the carbon and walks over.

"What are you doing here?" Skips the formal hellos because he's Kid. And he's Law. He couldn't care less.

"Well hey to you too. They've got you on some strict ass lockdown here or something? I've come by six other times and they've all told me you're like, in some solitary shit." Kid looks around the room, stares at a couple of other patients with their family members or friends then back to Law. He looks unbelievably awkward, as Law notes. If it were under different circumstances, he might have found it funny.

"No. I told them to turn away everyone who asked for me." Law sits down across from him, stuffs his hands into his pockets.

"Why the fuck would you do that? I didn't know you were some sociopath." Kid jokes around but the odd glares from people around him make him throw dirty looks back. To say, 'how rude of you to eavesdrop'.

"Funny. I did it for a number of reasons. Are you going to tell me why you're here or?" He asks again because Kid's dodging the question the way he would bullets if a cop shot at him.

"Right. Well, a little bird was flying my way and told me what happened. So I wanted to come see you for myself you know? Check up n' shit. I still care about you even if we're not the best of friends." Kid gives him shrug. He smells like cigarettes and Law misses the nicotine.

"I mean, hearing you almost died? Wouldn't that be reason enough? At first I was all, "damn the son of a bitch fucking did it" like, I couldn't believe it. I wasn't happy or anything, the opposite. Swear. But fuck man, what were you thinking?"

"I'd hardly say we're friends." Kid scoffs at Law's reply like it's the only thing out of the mess he'd said he caught. The smell just makes Law's insides ache.

"Acquaintances then." It's a negotiation Law's wiling to accept.

"_Sure_."

"How are you feeling? They've probably got you on some _hardcore meds_ here right?" Kid asks and gives him a near mischievous smile that reminds him of how utterly stupid Kid was in high school.

"Something like that. I feel fine. It's just boring, really." Partially lies through his teeth. It's only a white one.

"Man, I've known you since we were 10, do I look like I'd forget your lying voice?" Kid goes from looking like a troublesome teenager to a serious adult in no time flat.

"I'm fine though. As fine as you can be in here." Law gives him that and it sounds less like a lie, but more or less the same thing. Keeps a face that says "I'm actually fine and not lying about it". But Kid's got his moments when he can be sharp and pick up on shit.

"Looks can be really deceiving Law. A _good_ friend can see you for who you are no matter what face you wear." He says, points a finger at him and Law swats it away.

"Good friend? I thought we were acquaintances." Law knows he's indecisive but he wonders if Kid knows he's just as bad.

"Don't be a dick and ruin the moment." Kid says a little loudly. The old lady to their right looking over like he'd just said something taboo, and Law only rolls his eyes.

"When do you get out of here? It looks crazy depressing in here." Kid says as he darts his eyes around the room. The atmosphere, and not to mention the building itself, is painted a plain light grey it's creepy.

"A week or two? Maybe something in between?" Law thinks. Being cooped up in his room for so long has fucked him up time wise. He doesn't even know what day it is. But it doesn't feel all that different than before. He'd think it was Friday when it was Wednesday before too. Kid nods and Law's curiosity kills.

"Do I even need to guess who the bird is?" There's no one else Law even talks to, so the guess doesn't even count as such regardless. Kid just smiles at him before sighing.

"He's messed up man. I saw him at the coffee shop last week sitting and aggressively typing on his keyboard. And when I said hey, he was really pissed at first. Shouting out shit like 'what the fuck is his stupid fucking problem?!', asking me like I had the answer. And then when he was done his rage fit, he got really sad. Or at least sad for him. He thinks you hate his guts and I kept trying to tell him that you don't you know? But _your_ dumb ass is giving him the wrong impression and he's losing it." Kid tells him like it's the inside fucking scoop he's been missing while away. Law's not one to gossip so he doesn't consider this as such. But he's also regretting ever coming down to talk to Kid because now all he is, is worried.

"Losing it how?" Kid isn't elite when it comes to wording, so Law's got to ask. Losing it to Kid, might mean seeing fucking dead people.

"I mean he just doesn't seem as lively? I don't even know the guy but I can tell he wasn't like this before. He looks like he just got his heart broken or something. I mean, hell. You should have seen the way he was typing on that fucking laptop of his. What'd you even say to him?" Kid gives a little imitation by banging his fingers against the table, mimicking Luffy.

"I don't remember. A lot of shit." He sighs and throws his head back in attempt to remember, but it's all a blur. He seriously believes he might even be more doped up than he thought.

"You should let him visit. I mean _actually_ come down here and talk to him, I know he wants to. He only mentioned it in our twenty minute conversation _seven fucking times_." Kid suggests, and Law just turns his head to look out the barred up window as if to say no. But it's not verbal so Kid presses on.

"Come on-"

"No. I don't have anything to say to him."

"So just listen-"

"I said no." Law's stern voice again has people looking. Staring. Prying. And while it's been a rather shitty kind of update on the 'outside world', he's had enough. He gets up and turns away to leave. Can hear Kid sigh behind him still sitting at the table before he's very loudly, called a coward. And he's not going to deny it.

Would give him the middle finger if there weren't so many old women sitting around. He could very easily tell by their facial expressions, each of them would jump at the chance to yell at a 'youngster' like him they deemed to have bad manners.

* * *

As the nurse hands Law his pills, watches him swallow all three, Sachi walks into the room for bed. Law's got no idea where he's been all day, but he gives the nurse a polite "goodnight!" before she exits the room. Sachi waits a couple of seconds, watching out the little window on their door. Once he deems the coast to be clear, that's when he pulls up one of his pant legs.

Sachi's somehow managed to get his hands on a flashlight. Half shoved into his high sock. Law's got no fucking idea how or who the hell allowed that to happen. He also doesn't know, why for _some_ fucking reason, Sachi thinks telling scary stories is going to cheer him up. He doesn't need to hear Sachi's make believe crap about a guy in the woods killing teens after dark when his own life is a living nightmare.

Sachi, _somehow_ keeps trying, but it doesn't play out so well. Law thinks he might have a complex where he just enjoys hearing his own voice. It could go both ways. He knows if he opens his own, it'll never close. He's got so much shit inside him that he just wants to shout out at anyone who's within ten feet of him.

And Sachi's his first pick.

Though he doesn't deserve to have his brain melt at the level of heat Law's words will come out.

"Man come on you're dampening the mood! I don't want to sleep yet but you're not being very good entertainment." Sachi mumbles and he sounds rather disappointed that Law's not putting on a fucking show for him or being anymore lively than he usually is. Which isn't much to begin with.

"You don't pay me enough to entertain." Law spits back and Sachi groans, because that isn't what he meant at all, but Law's sneering facial expression gets him to flinch at the sight.

"I don't pay you in general-"

"Exactly. I'm not here for your enjoyment."

"I didn't say you were, asshole! What's wrong? Do you wanna talk about it? _Some_ say, I can be a better listener than Robin so let it out man, I have nothing else to do."

"You don't sound too convincing in getting me to talk, if that's what you're trying to do." Law's voice is full of irritation that could put a downer on even the cheeriest of people.

"You're so… extra. I'm telling you if you want someone to talk to I can listen, who am I gonna tell anyways?"

"I'm not worried about you telling _anyone. _I just don't want to talk."

"You don't want to talk… or you don't like to talk?" Sachi questions, and Law's really got to stop thinking people who look and act dumb are exactly that. Clearly Sachi's got more going on in his head than scary stories and sneaking out food from the cafeteria.

"Both." If this were on a points system Sachi would be sky rocketing right now, Law's pretty much fucked. Though the questions aren't as annoying as Robin's. Sachi's nowhere near psychiatrist level, or at least, so Law thinks.

"But you _need _to talk." Sachi insists and Law lets out a guttural sigh because he _knows._

"Yeah."

"But you don't want to?" Sachi raises his eyebrows at him and Law furrows his own. If he could have a single dollar for every sigh that's been let out in this short conversation he could put a down payment on a car.

"Pretty much."

"Are you a child?" Law think's Sachi's got a backbone. It's brief, but he wonders where this kind of attitude goes when he's all giddy and talking about breaking out of this place. Until he starts laughing.

"Man! You're such a grump seriously, are you antisocial?" Sachi questions. Law thinks perhaps he meant to question whether he has social anxiety or not, because the two differ. Most people just don't know the difference.

"No. I'm not a sociopath."

"So then what's your problem?" He blurts and quickly clasps his hand over his mouth. If either of them gets caught being awake past lights out they'll never hear the end of it.

"What?"

"P-r-o-b-l-e-m?" Sachi spells it out for him like Law needs to be babied.

"I don't have a problem." He spits back.

"Sure you do, that's why you're in here. That's why we're all in here. Because we've got problems. Issues. We're "crazy" y'know?" Sachi says, twirling his finger beside his head to motion that

"Whatever." Law says. He's tired of being the one on the other end of the stick.

"I'm just being a friend to someone who looks like he needs one." Law can barely see through the light coming through the high ceiling windows but he doesn't need to. He knows Sachi's got a huge smile plastered on his face. Hears it in his voice.

"I don't _need _anything from you." He spits back and it couldn't come out as anymore deep in denial than it does. So much so, Sachi gives him a sigh and shakes his head. Tsk tsk, Law.

"That's what _you _think. I mean shit dude, you look like you could burst with words any second." Sachi gives back, begins to make himself more comfortable in his bed. Wraps his blanket around his body as if he's inside a cocoon. Law's expected as much. In the two weeks he'd gotten to know Sachi, he's made countless similarities between him and Luffy. Both stubborn. Both genuine. Both a pain in the ass.

This place is driving him nuts. He says it to himself, and thats as close as he's going to get to actually talking.

"It helps if you _talk _you know? I think I spent six hours one day talking to Penguin and I felt like a new man." Sachi suggests, it comes out muffled from what Law can see, is half his head pressed hard into his pillow. Again, Law knows. He knows, he _knows_.

"Not today." It's the last words out of his mouth before he turns his head to face the wall. Puts one arm under his head and takes a deep breath. Hears a quiet "okay" come from Sachi, and it's no more than ten minutes, give or take, before he hears loud snoring.

He only wishes that he could fall asleep as quick as Sachi. Even with the medication they give him, it only knocks him out for an hour or two more than usual. He can't complain. However what he _can_ complain about, is the long list of terrible side effects they have. And he has. Complained, that is. Robin's only said that with some people, such effects last longer. He was hardly surprised to hear her say that, too. If he could be shocked at anything, it'd be that the pills actually had _some _effect at all.

Through his mind spinning and thinking of countless things that could be left for another day, perhaps some time when it wouldn't take away hours of his precious sleep, his body tosses and turns. Flips the pillow a couple of times to get the cold side. Their room is quiet minus Sachi's loud snoring. As every half hour or so goes by, Law somewhat feels closer to sleeping. In the split couple of second between his eyelids trying to keep themselves open and the imminent tiredness thats washing over him, he swears he sees Luffy. Questioningly calls out his name in a low whisper so he doesn't wake Sachi, out but he only gets a smile back. Luffy's head slowly turns and points at the door, while Law contemplates actually getting out of bed through clouded and hazy tired eyes. He calls out his name again, a more forceful whisper than the last. Luffy only drops his hand and turns his head back, now frowning before Law's eyes are completely shut. Sleep washes over him quicker than he can make out another call of Luffy's name.

At 1:48 in the morning, it's lights out for Law.

* * *

**A/N: **Hi. Lol... So... I keep feeling like it's been almost six months since I last updated but it's been... two. Not as bad as I thought, and quite honestly I don't have an excuse other than writers block. Is Luffy ever going to show the fuck up? Yeah, soon. Maybe. Do I have any idea when I'm going to update next? Yeah, soon. Hopefully. But like... truthfully thank you guys for still reading this story (it gets a shit ton of hits every day and I'm legitimately surprised because I have zero faith in my own writing so) even though I haven't been updating. I'm really going to try my hardest to start putting out chapters again and whether they're going to be as frequent as they used to be is still to be determined, but I assure you it won't be more than two months for the next chapter. BUT AGAIN, really, _really, _thank you guys for still sticking to this story. You're all amazing and I appreciate it so so much okay. I hope I'll be writing another a/n really soon so, you know. Look forward to it I guess.

Again though, thanks. It means the world to me.

~S


	15. Heaven

**TRIGGER WARNING: **It's all fucking _fluff. _

* * *

December 25th soon rolls around. A few days ago a huge storm had hit the city and from what Law could tell through the barred up windows, the entire facility was practically buried. It'd taken several staff members hours to clear a path that'd lead to the front door. Alongside clearing what he could make out to be the parking lot in the back.

Though now, Sachi's yelling out Merry Christmas like he's back in his adolescent age. Where they still get excited over Santa Clause and gifts. And Rudolph the red nose fucking reindeer. While Law, being the absolute kill joy he is, gives him the absolute shut down. By repeatedly yelling at him to shut the hell up. In the most crude way he can.

"Don't be such a grump! At least for today? It's Chr-"

"Christmas. Yeah, I fucking know, I've only heard you shout it out fifty eight times. And that's just in the last hour." Law says. Sachi tells him one last time, just to piss him off. Law's being an obvious ass today. Other days he's just an ass, and whether someone notices or not is down to their ability to read people. And whether it's because he's got his boxers in a twist (so Penguin says) or is just a fucking ass in general (what Sachi deems to be the real reason), no one knows. It'll do nothing to his mood since he's already pissed off at everything and everyone.

It's not that anything in particular has happened. It's just that he's gotten called down for a phone call over fifteen times since nine in the morning. Though it might be a bit of an exaggeration, it's been a few phone calls.

However now, he's being told there are people downstairs waiting to see him. Which really doesn't surprise him at all. He doesn't get why no one seems to understand that he just wants to be left alone. It's not that hard of a concept to understand. He's sure even children in kindergarten could take a hint when thrown their way several times. Even _Sachi _tells him he should go and it pisses him off even more. He'd already woken up in a bad mood, this was just adding to his misery.

It's really no Sherlock mystery as to who the hell is downstairs waiting for him. His only problem is the ridiculous amount of anxiety building in his gut. Facing the people he's treated like absolute shit is well... not on the top of his list of things to do. And said list is quite short too. Perhaps if Law weren't the biggest dick he could be, it wouldn't be as embarrassing as it is right now to see them.

With every few steps he takes down the never ending staircase, there are people wishing him a Merry fucking Christmas. Have a holly jolly one, one older lady tells him. He nods and says you too, because he'll be damned if those words actually come out of his mouth. Each person he passes just seems to take a turn at churning the feeling inside his gut. Makes him feel near nauseous.

Takes the long way through the cafeteria because he needs more time. He hasn't practiced his apology in his mind enough times, even though it's been the only thing on his mind since.

He thinks it could go something like, _"I'm sorry for being an ass." _Because don't people love short sweet and to the point? He's sorry for being an ass, what more can he say? _"I'm sorry for being an ass and-"_

"LAW!" He flinches at how hard his name is shouted. Knocks him right out of his own train of thought. It doesn't sound like a cheerful happy go lucky Luffy, and turns to see it's Penguin instead. A breath of relief leaves his lips before he manages to reply, voice so close to sounding shaky.

"What?"

"Have you always been hard of hearing?"

"What? No. Sorry." He doesn't really know what the hell he's apologizing for, it just kind of comes out. Like it's the only thing he can really _get _out. He's pretty sure people do that though. Apologize even though they haven't done anything _particularly _wrong? It just seems like the right thing to say. Thinks this is some sort of pretest to the actual test when he, _eventually_, gets to the room. Like a quiz. A quest. This is his quest.

"I said, they're serving some mashed potatoes today in spirit of. Are you sticking around for lunch?"

"Oh. Uh, later? I have to see a couple people first." He wants to ask why he's alone here, not with someone like, _family or friends? _But he doesn't pry.

"Alright. Have you seen Sachi?"

"Yeah he's up on the fourth floor I think, saying Merry Christmas to everyone who looks his way."

"Sounds like him." Penguin looks around. Law curiously looks in the same direction after noticing Penguin's face go a little... on edge. Law notices Ralph speaking to himself with a blank facial expression.

"He's always doin' that it's kind of creepy but I kind of feel bad for the guy." Penguin mumbles, "He looks like he's about to kick the bucket anytime now." He adds and well, he's not wrong. Then quickly gives Law a "see you later!" while walking in the direction he'd come from, presumably to find Sachi. Law gives one last look to the older man, who he now gets a good look at and has to guess his age. Thinks maybe mid eighties.

And while old man Ralph looks half past dead and Law sort of wishes he could take his place. This hellhole that has great blueberry muffins but poor taste in room décor is in fact driving him to the edge. And it's too bad all of them are barred up. Sometimes he wonders whether the large sum of drugs are even their its job. That they are no doubt attempting to rewire his brain to function like a "normal guy" in society today. He thinks they're near the level of child recommended Advil. The grape kind that Law always hated taking as a child, but would be forced into taking every time Rocinante thought he looked a little pale. He feels little, to no effect on his though not physically, mentally deteriorating body.

* * *

While there's some relief of it being just _one _person, as opposed to "people" the way he'd been told, it's not any easier. Though, if Law could explain the feeling of seeing a cheery Rocinante wearing the ugliest christmas sweater he's ever fucking seen in his entire life, he would. But he can't. This is the one time Rocinante has left him absolutely fucking speechless. Just out of pure _shock _at how hideous his choice of clothing is. And to also add, him running towards him yelling out his name. He thinks this is it. This is the way he's going to go. He's just going to get so red in the face and feel so hot from embarassment he's going to burst into flames.

Flames that quickly go out when Rocinante hugs him. What kind of person would he be if he'd said he didn't miss it. He lets Rocinante, who's now crying and Law's pretty sure he can feel snot through his own shirt, tighten the hug for a couple seconds. Then pats him on the back and tells him to get the fuck off before the entire room has their eyes on them.

"I'm just so happy to see you kiddo, what the hell! Let me live!" Rocinante babbles, like a kid. Wipes away the snot thats on his upper lip with the arm of his sweater and sits Law down like he's got no fucking choice.

"So?! How have you been?! You know first i was incredibly angry at you. Why did you say no to any guests?! I'm your dad you ass-"

"I know, I'm sorry. I don't like being in here, I don't like anyone see me be in here."

"Law you know I don't give a damn about that, I just want you to be okay. But I swore when I got here, the lady almost kicked me out! I asked her, "How the fuck can you tell me I can't see my own son!" and she gave me the most... bored look I've ever seen. Worse than yours!" Rocinante sounds like he's still babbling and almost looks like he either wanted to cry or punch him in the face. Or cry while repeatedly punching him in the face.

"And _then, _she told me, that because you're of "legal age" you can decide for yourself. Boy, let me tell you. You can't even decide what you want on your pizza some nights! I was about to let her have it!" Rocinante mumbles the last part, Law gives him a smile. Hate hate hates to admit how much he's actually missed him. And he won't. Verbally, at least.

"But no matter, Merry Christmas kiddo. I was thinkin' to myself in the car on the way here that if you didn't come down today of _all days, _I'd break past security and teach you _somethin!" _Rocinante says and he looks a bit more serious but Law's able to tell he's just putting up a front and that those tears building up and being blinked back are _there _and they want to be spilled.

"I couldn't _not. _I know how much you love this damn holiday." Law himself, not so much a fan. Throughout the years he'd been forced to wear ugly sweaters to match with Rocinante for the sake of taking terribly angled photos. Half of which, always ended up blurry. Rocinante had said that when they were blurry, you could tell it was because that's when you're having the most fun.

"You're damn right you couldn't not! I'd have gone up to whatever floor you're on and dragged you out of bed if I had to."

"Actually, you wouldn't be the first one to do that."

"Yeah? What's been going on? I wouldn't know since you said NO VISITORS!" He exclaims and Law can tell he's hurt by his decision. Can't really say that his choice was exactly helpful to him. If anything it's been building on his anxiety even more.

"Nothings been... going on. I just want to get out of here."

"Yeah? You got a week left. A little less, six days I think."

"Five."

"Five? Even better. You'll be out before New Years." That alone gave Law _something _to look forward to. Another year he somehow managed to not die. And though it's probably the shittiest way at looking at things, it's what made him proud of himself, in a way.

"Are you making dinner tonight? The big shit you always pulled?" Law asks, referring to the holiday bullshit Rocinante would say he would make every Christmas.

"_Shit?" _Rocinante almost sounds offended. _Almost._

"Yeah. You can't cook."

"I can cook Law. I just can't cook well." He shamelessly admits.

"Yeah, uh huh. Like that time- times sorry, _countless_ times you'd burn my pancakes in the morning?"

"That was to add finesse." Rocinante gives his fingers a little kiss and blows it out into the air. Pretends to twist his snon-existent moustache the way a chef would. Or at least, the way he stereotypes them to do.

"You're a terrible liar."

"Perhaps. But that's besides the point-"

"That's _entirely _the point." Law cuts him off. He doesn't know who he thinks he's kidding.

"Ah no, the point is whether or not I'm going to be making dinner. And I gave it some thought... it just wouldn't be the same kiddo. So I'm putting it on hold until you get out." Rocinante looks almost proud of himself for doing so. Law never asked him to, but here he is, arms crossed with the most cocky expression of pride plastered on his face.

"You're not going to eat for five days?" Law's voice hardly has a hint of concern.

"Don't be stupid, of course I'm going to eat. I love you and all, but not so much as to skip fifteen meals _plus_ snacks for you." Rocinante tells him like he's got the best point he could have ever made, _ever. _

"I'm just going to put our big dinner on hold, is all. AH! And I almost forgot. I wanted to bring you your gift see, but it's ah... a little too big for me to walk in here with. So you're going to have to wait for that too, consider it a new years and getting out... to a better year gift! That sounds promising, right?" A little part of him wishes Rocinante would learn to _breathe _between sentences, because quite frankly, he's looking a little red. And not to mention very out of breath. But Law could listen to him go on for hours if he could. If he had the time. Gives him a smile and doesn't want to take guesses as to what his gift is. He's never cared about things like that anyways.

"I'm just glad it's not the matching sweater to yours." He jokes, Rocinante's jaw drops to accentuate his absolute surprise. And how offended he is.

"Oh no _that, _I did bring." It's Law's turn to be appalled when Rocinante leans over and reaches into a bag, that he thinks he really should have noticed. It's not too big, but it's a bright red and could have easily been seen out of the corner of his eye. He was all too busy indulging in the conversation. More so listening, but still, he should have noticed.

And now Rocinante's holding up a dark green sweater and smiling. It'd be much to his preference... if it weren't for the huge reindeer in the centre. It goes well with Rocinante's own red one with Santa on it, but he's not 10.

"I'm not wearing that thing it's hideous."

"Come on Law! Don't be like that, I had them custom made look! Your name is on the back too!" Rocinante says. The sweater, which would have been nice if plain, has turned into some odd wool knitted holiday jersey that Law never wants to see again. "TRAFALGAR 06" Is stitched onto the back, as if it couldn't get any more embarrassing. He's just hoping there isn't a matching hat to add to the outfit. Rocinante even pushes out of his seat enough to turn and show Law the back of his own. He can only imagine how embarrassed the lady at the front desk must have felt when he walked in wearing _that._

"You're only wearing a thin shirt, you can put it over! Let's see how it looks I really hope it fits too, the man at the store said it should but I wasn't too sure."

"You're kidding, right? You actually believe I'm going to put that on?" And if anyone could see Law's face through the hand he's got pressed up against it, they'd either laugh or cry. It's an odd mixture of embarrassment and horror that looks like it could send any child under the age of seven into early cardiac arrest.

"And for the love of God wipe that look off your face. Put on let's say, a _smile?_ And add a, "_thank you so much for this sweater, I love it so much!_" maybe?" Rocinante suggests, lightly tosses the sweater over the table between them to Law, who reluctantly catches it. Briefly considers throwing it back. But if all Rocinante wants from him is to put the damn thing on fine, he'll humour him. It'll definitely come back to bite him in the ass once he's out, but for _now..._ humour.

And Rocinante's snapped one too many pictures of a grumpy looking Law, in a hideous looking sweater, for a heinous reason. Though he pauses, because it looks like a lightbulb just flickered over his head with the expression he's wearing.

"Oh! The receptionist also told me you had a visitor that you didn't turn away! Was it Luffy? Because it certainly wasn't me, I wouldn't forget that."

"No, it wasn't him."

"Really? I thought you'd have spoken to him by now."

"Yeah well." Law shrugs. He's just a sucker. And very much a big pain in the ass, even to himself.

"Then?"

"Kid."

"Kid, huh?" Rocinante looks a little short of appalled he'd speak to Kid and not him. "That's surprising. Considering."

"Considering what?"

"Oh Law. Did you think I didn't know? What with you being a bloody pulp and then _suddenly_ your best pal stops coming over for the rest of the year- well in general. He'd come over even when you'd tell him to ah what was it, _kindly fuck off?" _

"Yeah." It occurs to Law now that Rocinante's known for the longest time but never said a thing to him about it. Which surprises him. But also the fact Rocinante, who once chased someone who had been lurking in their old backyard around for 37 minutes, didn't hire some sort of PI to find out what had happened to him. Evidently he didn't need to, seeing as he played the part of "Investigator Roci" all on his own.

"I have to say I'm surprised Law. That you didn't teach the brat a lesson-"

"How was I supposed to do that one handed?"

"After your arm healed. Given him a sucker punch to the jaw at least, even with a cast on. Extra damage."

"You'd have gotten pissed at me for getting into a fight."

"I would have if you picked it for a stupid reason. That _fucking_\- sorry. That _friend_ of yours was no friend, I wouldn't have been _too_ angry if you did. But you not telling me.. I suppose I understand." Rocinante breaks, sighs and then continues. "Ah no, that's a lie. I was upset, mad, and furious really. For one, you didn't tell me. Two, because _I _couldn't go hit him, he's a fucking brat."

"You'd have tripped and fallen before you even landed a punch-"

"Again, _b__esides the point. _Are you two friends now? You forgave him for what happened? I'm proud of you! I tend to hold terrible grudges, you... you turned out okay! I mean you lie a lot you spoiled little shit, but you're okay!"

Law's never been the forgive and forget kind of guy Rocinante seems to be convinced he is. Sure, he spoke with Kid. And the two of them didn't go at each other like a pair of rabid wolves. But to Law, that's only because he doesn't want to end up lengthening his "sentence" as it is to him. Over what, one or two punches he would have been able to get in before he'd be stopped by security guards.

To Law, for Kid, that means he's at least matured in _some_ way in the past four years. That, or somehow his conscience caught up to him and he now feels incredibly guilty for what he did. Not likely, but still a possibility. And back to Rocinante, who's "so so proud" of him, as he put it. Law's able to forgive, he can do that much.

The one thing he can't is forget. It's not holding a grudge, it's just that it'll always be in the back of Law's mind when he speaks to Kid. Not that he thinks he'll do it again either, because he surprisingly looked genuinely worried. But even Kid's capable of pulling off some bullshit smile that hides a face of worry behind it. It isn't that difficult, as Law recalls.

"We're not suddenly the cute little best friends you think we are after one twenty minute conversation." What was it Kid had said... _acquaintances._

"Oh believe me I know, you're a stubborn boy."

"_I'm_ stubborn?" Law raises an eyebrow as if to mock Rocinante, who has to be one of the most, if not _the_ most stubborn person he knows.

"Do you not remember the countless times you'd get sick as a child? I'd have to drag you by the collar to go to the doctors!"

He's got Law there.

"That's different."

"In what way? Being stubborn is being stubborn kiddo." Rocinante says, and in the same way he could rebuttal, it's Rocinante being stubborn versus Law being stubborn.

"Whatever."

"You see? That's _exactly_ what I mean."

"Well what did you want me to say? _You're right?" _

"It wouldn't hurt." Rocinante says, puts a hand to his ear like he's ready to hear it, hear the so called _truth. _

"Oh it would, trust me. I might as well resign myself to the devil if I'm going to tell you that."

"That's uncalled for, at least ask first. You are a hassle to deal with." He jokes and Law flips him the bird and rolls his eyes.

Through the wide glass wall, Law's eyes catch a short (compared to him), guy who's yelling and pointing in his direction. All while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist.

"Is that Luffy?" He asks aloud, not exactly but intentional and he clamps his mouth shut the second his name leaves his lips.

"Kinda looks like him, doesn't it?" Rocinante says, squints and tries to stretch his neck out, like it'd help him see any better.

"Fuck." Law mutters under his breath a little loud to be considered as such. Rocinante hears him and acts like it's a cue for him to stand up from his seat.

"I'll see you in a couple of days okay, kiddo? Don't leave your spot, or I'll immediately come back and tie you down."

"What are you-" Rocinante gives Law a ruffle of his hair and then walks out towards the direction the Luffy look alike. Who's now confirmed to be Luffy the second he turns around. He only watches as the two converse and Luffy looks anxiously ecstatic. Then Rocinante points at Law. An even bigger 'fuck' manages to escape his throat. Watches Luffy wave Rocinante goodbye before he sees Rocinante mouth 'TALK TO HIM' with his face nearly pressing the glass. Gives him a big thumbs up and then Luffy's right in front of him. Then it hits him, that he's still wearing the sweater. The ugly as fuck green sweater with the god damn reindeer.

"Hey. You look cold" Good one Law. Good start. Good fucking _God. _If he could sound anymore anxious than he does, he'd be asks, because Luffy hasn't stopped sniffling. Nose as red as the damn reindeer on his sweater. Like he'd been outside for a while before actually making the decision to come inside.

"Hi. Yeah, it's freezing out there. Nice sweater by the way." Luffy says, sits down with a thump and crosses his legs on what little space there is left on the small chair. Shit. Law can't lie to himself and say Luffy doesn't look near adorable in his own bright red turtle neck. Luffy pulls on his sleeves, awkwardly stuffs his hands in them. Doesn't say a word to Law for a couple of seconds after, really just takes in the room and then stares at Law.

"You get out soon right?" Luffy asks. Law's not exactly sure about how good of a conversation starter the question is but he'll go along, because at least Luffy's talking to him.

"Yeah. Five days, give or take." Law affirms but Luffy looks a little displeased with the reply.

"You don't know?" Looks a little worried, from what Law could tell.

"Time is an odd concept when you're in here. I don't even know what day it is today." Law tells him. Maybe a Monday?

"It's a Wednesday. You know what _day _day it is right?" Luffy asks and he looks like he'll be genuinely disappointed if Law says he doesn't.

"Yeah, my roommate wouldn't stop yelling about it in the morning. Rocinante too, they're like children."

"Hey! Don't tell me you're one of those grumps who just acts all pissy for the entire day, I mean lighten up!" Luffy doesn't _snap, _it's a more subtle way of telling Law to shut the hell up and stop complaining. Which to be fair, he could take note of.

"Alright, alright. Do you have any plans for the day? I'm honestly surprised to see you here."

"Why? Did you think I wouldn't come?" Luffy's got a shit eating grin on. One Law doesn't know if he misses or if he wants to slap to get rid of.

"I thought you'd have better things to do."

"Like what?" Luffy pushes. Law doesn't exactly have an answer that doesn't consist of asking why the hell he'd think coming to a mental institution was on the top of his things to do on Christmas morning.

"I don't know, whatever it is you do. Aren't you on break? Go fuck around, go to a party, live your life."

"What if I wanted to come? Well, I _have_ come. A few times. _You're _the one who says no for whatever reason." The slap was dealt by words, as Luffy's little grin goes to a frown.

"What- You know I'm sorry. I know you came by, I just wasn't up for talking." It's just been one of those days. He wants to say. One of those _months._

"You were hiding." Luffy accuses but it's hardly considered as such, is it? He's got Law spot on like Law had been Waldo and Luffy only needed to open the cover to spot him. Caught him dead right in the centre.

"I wasn't. Not intentionally."

"You don't accidentally hide!" Caught caught caught.

"Luffy-"

"It's okay! I'm not mad at you. I mean, I was. But... shit can't be easy right? I have no idea how it feels to go through what you're going through so. I can't really say... what's the thing people always say? Like, _oh man I feel you!_"

"What? _I know how you feel_-"

"Yeah that! I'm not going to say that cuz you know, I don't. I have zero clue. Nadda. Zip."

"I get it-"

"But but _buuuut_, you don't get that I'm not gonna turn you away or anything. You can get mad and I might get mad at you getting mad at me but I'm not gonna ditch you or anything."

"You never gave off that impression, it's my own issues."

"I know, I know, you sound like a damn record player. _My own issues, my own issues, my own issues. _I get it too, asshole. But you know I'm here to help you through it right! I'll do research too-" Law recalls Luffy hardly being able to handle a 1500 word paper. How he's going to do his version of _research_ is beyond him.

"You really don't have to do that. You just persisting to come by is enough."

"Apparently not!" Luffy's words are one thing, but his damned emotions are another. And maybe, just _maybe_, Law's looking too far into this. But he swears Luffy gives off ten times more of a reassured feeling with his facial expression on top of his words. That's at least got to count for something.

"It is, believe me. I have my moments where I just don't want to speak or be around anyone."

"But don't you get lonely like that?" Luffy asks and the seriousness of the question is deluded by him sniffling like a child who refuses to blow their nose. He only wishes he had a damn tissue to offer the now six year old who's sitting in front of him.

"Sure, anyone would. To me, I think it's... better."

"Better how?"

"In the sense that, I won't piss anyone off with my uh, for lack of better words, mood swings."

"You're not moody. You're just a grump who needs to get out more."

"You could put it that way."

"But I still like you. You're a pain in my butt and you make me wanna punch you a lot, but I'm not gonna leave." Luffy tells him, and viola, the shit eating grin is plastered across his face once again.

"Oh! Roci also asked me to come by. For your belated Christmas dinner! I couldn't say no, sorry he said he was going to make a _lot _of food-"

"It's alright. I know he likes having you around." Law says, gives as much of a smile as he can offer, and the conversation dies down a little with Luffy's hum in agreement. Now, to Law, would and is the perfect little moment where he could slip in an apology, maybe a, "_thank you for coming" _but he chokes. Very literally chokes and has to force a cough out of him to hold it back.

"Was it snowing on your way here?" Great one, Law. Keep it going. Ask about the weather some more like every other boring person out there. Go on. Don't apologize though, because _that _would be silly, uninteresting and just a general waste of limited time. No, don't do that.

If he could shut his mind down for perhaps a maximum of thirty seconds he swears he would.

"Nah, I mean, hardly. Just a couple flakes. It smells frigid out." Luffy says, sniffles once more before rubbing his nose with his hands that are still hiding in his sleeves. Law has to raise an eyebrow.

"What?" Luffy questions his facial expression. Looks more insulted than curious.

"Nothing, just surprised you know what that means."

"Yes Law, ahem, _asshole. _I'm not illiterate."

"I'm just impressed is all." And if looks could kill, Law's own smirk would.

"Of course you are, I'm an impressive guy." Luffy grins, absolutely shit eating.

"I might have to tell Roci to make extra food, since it seems like you're bringing your ego along as a plus one."

"Oh, so you _can _be funny! It's a Christmas miracle everyone! Law's not 100% a grump! He's got 2% of a funny bone!" Luffy shouts, and while one old woman gives him her applause, another tells Luffy to shut up.

Not exactly the most cheerful crowd.

"You're going to get kicked out of here if you keep yelling." Law tells him as Luffy sits back down while mumbling that the lady was just being the opposite of festive.

"Whatever, she's just jealous." Luffy pouts, and that's a little wave of nostalgia that hits Law.

"Of?" Law questions, because he has no idea now what Luffy's talking about. None.

"I don't know. Me, probably. I'm great." Luffy smiles and Law gives him a roll of his eyes.

"Yeah, you're just charming aren't you, cocky little ass."

"Hey! I have a great ass-" Luffy exclaims, before Law's hand is over his mouth, preventing him from finishing the sentence. Can't tell if Luffy's lips are wet or if the little shit is actually licking his palm.

"Hey, you're going to have to remove your hand." A security guard, who's got the eyesight of a fucking hawk, tells him. Doesn't yell but his voice is damn deep enough for Law to hear it from where they're sitting. So he does.

"Asshole!" Luffy shouts, sits back in his chair while Law wipes his hand off on his slacks. Definitely a tongue.

"Who comes in here to brag about their ass? Loudly, to add." He sighs.

"You started it!"

"You took it in that direction, I merely stated you _were _an ass. Not that you've got a great one."

"But you do think it's great." Luffy insists.

"Luffy-" He warns but Luffy only laughs.

"You do though!" He chuckles and Law can't exactly counter, he's got a point. "Hey, when you get outta here-"

"Why do you make it sound like I've been in prison for twenty years?"

"Well what do I know! Anyways, and don't interrupt me asshole!"

"Sorry. Go on." Law half asses the apology with sarcasm and grins. Luffy however, doesn't.

"I can't. I lost what I was going to say. It's on the tip of my tongue though!" Luffy sighs and lays his head on the table between them, chin squished up against the plastic.

"No, that's just the taste of my hand." Law tells him, holds it up and Luffy swats it away.

"Then it's disgusting and I don't want to tell you anyways." He pouts, kind of upset he can't remember what he was going to say, but it happens to the best of people.

"You're childish."

"And your hand tastes like metal."

"The door," Law says, pointing towards the one Luffy entered through, "has a metal handle." Luffy's eyes look over and then avert back at Law, giving him a look that calls him out on his smug voice.

For the next thirty seconds Luffy bitched about the taste.

Thirty minutes following, he spoke to Law about the alleged "wicked" gift he'd got Law just spontaneously. Said he saw it in a store window and had to get it, though Law insisted he return it for several reasons. He was never a fan of people buying him things. Luffy told him it was too damn bad. And for another thirty minutes after that, Luffy expressed just how excited he was to have Law go back to school. _His _school, no less. It made it all better. Luffy said it was so he could see him more than their old brunch meetings and surprise coffee dates, which Law refused to say they were such. They were just... two talking over a freshly brewed cup. Luffy could keep talking for hours, and Law wouldn't mind listening too much, but time limits a time limit.

"I'll see you in five days, you'll survive."

"I know, I just hope you will." Luffy says, definitely not meant to be as serious as it sounded. His version was, _"i'm too great for anyone to survive without me", _however Law took it as a big fat _"don't die" _and well, okay. He wouldn't- he _won't. _

"I will." Law says, and in a split second while they're walking towards the door following the nurse who'd cut their time short (though Law's nearly certain the limit is 30 minutes and thinks Robin must have pulled some strings) Luffy quickly turns to him and has to stand on the very tips of his toes through his bulky boots. Gives Law the quickest, but possibly the most meaningful kiss they've ever shared. Granted which weren't many besides drunken sloppy ones and a few for "making a good brunch".

Luffy smiles, gives him a wink and turns around, back to Law. He swears if he could strangle the kid he would. At this rate Luffy would end up being the reason Law got an extended period of time here than the reason he gets out.

The kiss was quick but gentle, insane it made him. Swears he saw the closest thing he'd get next to heaven.

* * *

**A/N: **Christmas in September, _sue me. _Anyways this is all fluff. Most of it is. So much fucking _fluff. _I feel like for once, Law should have a good day, right? He deserves one good day. And it didn't take me too long to update... right? Right. _Right... _But really. Thank you guys for reading, I look forward to hearing from you! Lots of love.

~S


	16. Opia

Five days seemed to pass at a tremendously slow rate, but they do. By the end of said five days, Law found himself standing in front of Sachi who's face was nearly covered in snot. To his left, standing outside their shared room, was Penguin, who's not as snot faced, but looked like he could be in a matter of seconds.

"You have to write!" Sachi yells, even though the nurse stands in the room with the two. She tells them that it's against protocol to keep in touch with now former patients, but Law _really _couldn't give a shit.

"Yeah? I will."

"Throw in a couple of lines for me too!" Penguin shouts from the door, and Law nods.

"Okay." He agrees rather quickly to Penguin's request, and _now, _he's definitely snot faced.

Sachi tries to fit in a month of his experience with Law within the thirty seconds the nurse is giving the three of them. Goes on and on about how much of a dick Law was when he came in here, like a damn music box that'd lost it's key, he said. Law hardly gets the reference, but Sachi tells him some shit that sounds straight out of a romance movie. About someone else having his key and what not, and he'll be stuck shut unless he finds that someone with his key.

Though Law could do without the little romantic antics Sachi seems to think he needs to throw into this goodbye.

Shoves Law's lone duffle bag into his arms and pushes him out the door. Says something along the lines of "get out before I start to cry, ya bastard!" before he's turned around the corner. He doesn't know how Sachi didn't feel the amount of tears Law had seen streaming down his face. Maybe he did. Who knows.

He won't admit it aloud, but he'll miss those blueberry muffins Penguin would get the three of them each morning. It was one of the few good routines he enjoyed and didn't loathe waking up for.

After one final meeting with Robin, who hands him a small paper bag that rattles when he takes hold of it.

"A refill, if you may. Don't stop taking them like you did last time."

"I know, I won't. Thank you." He gives her, because she's done a hell of a lot of putting up with his bullshit. A thanks is the least he can give.

Though he's still to see her every week, as follow ups.

The second he's out the door, he's caught in a hug by Rocinante, who looks a little too happy to see him, really. As soon as Law had left the odd warmth of the building, he felt cold. He pushed his hands deep into his pockets, while Rocinante continued to squeeze the life out of him.

"Will you cut it out, it was just a month."

"A month... after seeing you almost _die-"_

"I know, okay. Just get off me." He shrugs him off, Rocinante surprisingly compliant and walks with him towards the car. One Law's never seen before.

"When'd you get this?"

"I splurged. You can drive it too, though." Rocinante wiggles his eyebrows, getting into the ridiculously luxurious looking car.

"What? That car's worth more than my tuition."

"Don't be a baby, get in the car already." Law doesn't exactly have any other way home, so he gets in and makes himself as comfortable as he can on the leather seats. Which... he has to give credit to Rocinante for. The car is nice. He just doesn't think it's necessary.

"Your place collected a lot of dust when you were gone, I spent maybe... four hours cleaning. All for you. Don't you just love-"

"If I say yeah, will you shut up and take me home? I'm tired." Law says, throwing his duffle bag in the back seat. Rocinante bows in his seat as he puts the keys in the ignition.

"Your wish is my command." He says, Law only scoffs and looks out the window. Rocinante starts the car and turns on the heat, shifting to face Law before pulling out of the parking spot.

"Law," he said. "You okay?"

"I'm fine."

"You don't look fine, and you haven't said a real sentence to me besides complain about my car since you walked out. Are you mad about something? Upset perhaps?"

Law fastened his seat belt. "No, I'm really fine. Let's just go, I wanna get home."

"Law."

"Yes?" He hardly glanced over. More shifted his eyes enough to be able to see Rocinante. "Really. I'm just tired. I'm not mad or upset."

Rocinante didn't look like he he believed him, but he reversed out of the spot regardless, and then they were off. Colourful lights had been strung in the trees, and many stores were still decorated for Christmas. Even though it'd been five days since the holiday. Traffic wasn't as bad as it usually was around rush hour. Law only watched out the window.

"You aren't cold are you?" Rocinante asks in a low voice, just a tad bit louder than the quiet music coming from the radio.

"No I'm fine."

As Law looked out the window, he could easily feel Rocinante's eyes often shift to stare at him.

"It's nothing" Law says, still looking outside. As if speaking to the window. "I think it's just this time of year. The whole seasonal thing."

"We could talk about it, if you wanted to." Rocinante offers, though the car goes rather quiet for a few seconds after.

Law sighs heavily, breath fogging up the window. "I'd rather not. I just want to sit like this. Sorry, I bet you were hoping for more of a conversation after all this time." Law apologizes, though he recalls Robin once telling him it's hardly necessary for him to feel as apologetic as he does. He hasn't done anything wrong.

"Don't sweat it kiddo." Rocinante tells him, and then shifts his focus back on the slick roads, covered in slush.

Rocinante continued to drive, the two only sitting in silence. The only sound was the soft tune of music that played, or the occasional tick when he'd change lanes or make a turn. He felt comfortable in the car, hell. It even had heated seats. But there was some odd discontent growing inside him that'd somehow planted itself during the time before his leave. Any kindness Rocinante would show, any concern, only seemed to poke at it. It added to his irritation. Law's got no idea why he feels so... anxious. Agitated. He just... does.

He has no idea what the whole seasonal thing is, but it may very well be the reason behind it. Or an entirely different reason. Whatever it is, he'd just wish it'd stop, or at least pause for a few hours. Closing his eyes, Law leaned the side of his head against the cold window. When he sighed, it left an egg shaped smudge on the glass. He eyed it and contemplated drawing something, but only ended up wiping away with his sleeve.

"Are you hungry at all?" Rocinante asked. "Want me to stop anywhere before we go home? We could get take out."

"I'm good." he replied. "Thanks."

"Law."

Law gave him a quick glance. "What?"

"Should I be concerned? You're worrying me." Rocinante frowned. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing. I told you, I just want to go home." Law replied, sounding slightly defensive.

"I know, you just seem agitated. Which is why I'm asking again, what's wrong? How can I make it so you're comfortable?"

"You can't fix everything that's wrong okay? Just drive." Law mumbles, turning his head to look back out the window. He could tell he'd hurt Rocinante when the volume of the radio turned up and pushed on the gas.

After another long hour of driving in silence, they arrived at the underground parking lot of the apartment. Rocinante left the car running a few moments longer, in some hope it'd get Law to talk. He didn't. So with a hefty sigh of his own, Rocinante turned the car off, and got out, closing the door behind him. It wasn't a slam, but a bit more strength would have made it so.

Law turned to the empty drivers seat, and then turned his head to sit upright. Staring up at the ceiling. He took a deep breath and the car still smelt new. He reached behind him, grabbed his duffle bag and then got out on his own, locking the door by hand. Rocinante hadn't waited for him, so he took the stairs on his own, rather than the elevator. All the way up to twelve, and in no type of hurry, either. Hardly moves at a pace quicker than a turtles.

Rocinante had left the door creaked open enough for Law to get in, as he didn't have his keys on him. As soon as he was through the door, he kicked off his boots and dropped his bag by his feet while he took off his jacket. He felt odd about being back after what felt like much longer than a month. He found his phone and keys in the tray on the coffee table that was exactly where it was a month ago. A large envelope with his name on it, right next to them.

Nothing had moved, just wiped down. He reached for his phone, seeing one long paragraph of a message from Luffy on the day of his almost death, and six other messages, all the same question, just worded differently. All asking for him to call whenever he got home. A few from Kid, dated about three weeks back asking him what had happened. And one from Rocinante, again, the day of. Law deleted them all, only texting, not calling Luffy back, saying he was home. He put his phone down and sat on the couch that had an old feeling of comfort to it, and reached over for the envelope.

"Those are your enrolment papers." He heard from the hallway, Rocinante leaning against the wall. So he wasn't as angry as Law had thought. He reached in and pulled them out, reading the same but slightly altered "Congratulations!" letter that he'd gotten the first time he got into the school. Behind, were a few other sheets of papers. Listing off all sorts of scholarship opportunities, clubs, school events and such.

Law looked back up to find Rocinante now in the kitchen, brewing up a hot pot of what slightly smelt like green tea.

"The school office sent a couple emails- I had to read them- requesting you choose your courses before the deadline. You of course, weren't here nor were you allowing anyone to visit, so I took the liberty of choosing a couple for you. The dateline to drop them is ah... January 21st I believe. Should be on the paper." He said, and Law searched for said paper. A few other important dates, such as those for exams, holidays and off days were listed as well. The last sheet, was a printout of his new schedule. He read it over a few times, before the timer for the tea went off.

"I'll do good. And I'll be better." He mumbled, not sure if Rocinante heard him or not.

"I know you will kiddo." Nothing gets past his ears. Rocinante walked over, bringing two cups of tea, setting them on the table.

"I'm really proud of you, you know?" He asked. Law gave a light nod, and continued to look down at what he thought of as the opportunity to _be,_ in his hands.

"Sorry... and thank you." Law gave him that, and Rocinante's smile reappeared, though not as intense. More gentle, more proud. He had high hopes for Law, despite everything he'd put him through. The hole in the pit of his stomach hadn't subsided, and he did still feel uneasy. However it was significantly less than before.

"C'mon, drink your tea." Rocinante said, Law no stranger to green tea, leaned over and took a sip, then a gulp. Gave a yawn that was cut short by the unending vibration coming from his phone. Which of course, did end the second he reached over for it. Only to follow up with knocking from the door. He sighed as Rocinante put his tea down and told him he'd get it. Immediately heard the cheerfulness of Luffy's voice when the door opened.

He watched as Luffy kicked off his shoes and looked like he could lunge at him, so he quickly set down his own tea. Braced himself for whatever Luffy had to offer. Which wasn't so much a lunge as it was a warm embrace with one cold cheek pressed to one of his own.

"I'm so happy you're back! How are you, are you good?" Luffy started, Law finally returning the hug and faced him as honestly as he could bring himself to.

"I'm fine. You're cold though. Why're you only wearing a jacket?"

"Because I practically ran over here, _god. _Wait." Luffy extended his legs, hopped off the couch, and walked over to the cabinets in the kitchen and pulled out a glass. Rocinante had left sometime between letting Luffy in and him being squeezed by cold and short arms. He watched as Luffy poured himself a glass of water, then chugged it. And repeat. Finally, walked back towards Law with a huge smile on his face, leaned forward and gave him a quick peck before Luffy seemed to regret the decision. He stared at Law, sat back on the coffee table in front of him and frowned.

Luffy looked on the brink of tears, so Law opened his arms. Luffy leaned forward again, his forehead pressed to Law's shoulder, both Law's arms snaking around and rubbing his back.

"It's okay," Luffy heard Law whisper while his hand moved in soothing circles over his back. "It's okay, it's okay." He repeated, hearing small sniffles coming from Luffy. Followed by a damp shoulder.

Luffy himself, didn't know where the tears came from.

"Sorry, sorry. I wasn't going to cry I swear. I never cry!"

"Yeah? Who knew you were this soft."

"I can't help it. I have emotions too, you know. _You_ make me crazy, okay? But," he tilted his head to the side, "In a good way."

"I have that much of an effect on you?" Law asked, questioning the legitimacy of Luffy's words.

"Don't act so smug," he pursed his lips, unhappy with Law's playing coy, "You know you do." Luffy said, still sniffling, now into his sleeve.

"It's okay. You can cry." Law said, and it was a bit ironic to him. Being on the other end of the advice stick.

"No, no." Luffy leaned back, Law's arms loosening around him but still kept a slight hold. "I just wanted to see how you were. Y'know."

"Check up on me? I've been home maybe, thirty minutes." Law gave him a smile, Luffy only pouting back.

"_Yeah, _but... I don't know. I'm paranoid?"

"About what?" Law asked, Luffy looking conflicted in the way he wants to get his words out.

"You. I don't want you to be alone and- you know. Just worried." Luffy said. Law only staring back, not really sure of what to say.

"Is that weird?" Luffy asked after a silence fell upon the two.

"No? No. It's not weird. I'm just... surprised."

"Why?"

"Luffy you have to understand that the only time anyone's every been worried for me, is because if something _was _wrong, it'd impact _their _lives badly. So forgive me when I say I'm surprised, but I mean it in the most positive way I can offer you." Law tells him.

Luffy gave him a slight nod. "I know, I just worry. I can't help it, I always worry for the people I care for."

"I know you do, it's very admirable." Law confessed. It's quite the enviable trait.

Luffy gave him a genuine smile. "I missed being here you know, this is a cozy apartment." He said, Law nodding in agreement. He'd missed it too.

"And brunch." He added, and Law nodded once more.

"Brunch was good." Law managed to get out before a big yawn caught him.

"You tired? Should I leave?"

"No. It's still a bit early, you don't have to go. You can stay. Actually, I think you left a shirt here if memory serves correct, so you've got a change of clothes. I can lend you whatever else you need." Law offered, which quickly changed from Luffy leaving to let Law rest, to Luffy spending the night.

"Okay. Kinda glad you said so too because it's fucking cold out and I don't really wanna run back home."

"Yeah, your cheeks are still red. Do you want me to turn up the heat?"

Luffy looking confused, raised his hands and pressed his palms to his cheeks. Still cold. "Can you? I didn't even realize." He asked, Law already standing up and walking towards the thermostat while Luffy rubbed his cheeks with force.

"Relax are you trying to rip the skin clean off your face?"

"I'm creating _friction._"

"You're irritating your skin is what you're doing. Just drink that tea there," Law said, pointing to his mug that was still about full of green tea, "I'll be right back." Law walked down the hall towards his bedroom to change. Instead of drinking the tea like Law had said, Luffy held the cup up to his cheeks while he moved from the coffee table to the couch where Law was sitting.

When Law returned, Luffy suggested the two watch movies until Law felt like he would knock the hell out if he were to lay down. He couldn't complain, after all, watching anything _other _than Home Alone was a suggestion that he couldn't, nor did he want to turn down.

* * *

It hadn't been easy for Law to fall asleep, but what little sleep he did manage to get, was all filled with dreams that made him restless. He was sure it couldn't have been more than three hours since the two of them went to bed. One of his arms folded under his head, the other was being kept captive by Luffy, who'd entangled their fingers. As if it'd serve as some type of alarm to wake him if Law moved. Law's nose brushing the back of Luffy's neck. Lips less than a centimetre away from the nape of his neck, while little strands of Luffy's hair tickled his nose.

Luffy was typically, from what experience Law had with him, a heavy sleeper. He could feel every breath Luffy would take in when his back would brush against his own chest, and then disappear when he breathed out. He was without a doubt, fast asleep. As skillfully as he could, Law removed the lone arm Luffy held, trying not to wake him. He rolled onto his back, stared up at the pitch black ceiling, and then turned his head to eye the clock that taunted him, red numbers flashing. Reading 4:35am. Now 4:36. From what he could see out the slight break between the curtains, it looked gloomy out, for night. A grey sky with light snow fall. It made his chest feel heavy, and the weight only grew the more time he spent in bed. It was quiet, a few time he'd heard a car pass, tires making the sound of slush echo in his ears, or the occasional soft snores Luffy would let out.

He got out of bed.

Outside the warmth of the covers, he felt cold. He went towards his dresser and got out a hoodie, quickly pulling it over his head. He walked out of the room, closing the door ever so slowly behind him, leaving Luffy to the queen sized bed where he could now, kick as he pleased. He walked over and turned on the small lamp he'd use for reading on one of the tables next to the couch. Sat himself down and opened up the book he'd chosen off the bookshelf. Not even a line in, and Law closed it.

What was keeping him up? A number of things. He could list off. Going back to school, would he _really _be able to do better? Rocinante, and whether he'd really be able to make him proud. Of course, there was also Luffy. The hand that had been lying on the cover of his book moved up to rub his face, then to clutch at his shirt tightly for a few brief seconds before opening up to lay flat on his chest. For no longer than a few seconds, he thought about what it'd be like to not have Luffy less than ten metres away from him. The despair and hopelessness that came with said thought could easily take him. So it did. He was lost to the feeling of being alone. To say he feared abandonment was no short of the truth. He hated it.

The thought of Luffy somehow coming to hate him for something that might do or if he were to ever realize what a waste of time putting in effort for him was. A groan left his throat as he threw his head back, and swung an arm to cover his eyes from the dim light coming off the lamp next to him. He never expected anyone but Rocinante- and sometimes even him- to ever put up with him. His... _bullshit, _as he called it. Never expected anyone to make him want to _not _be living a life full of said bullshit. He could clearly see himself, whether it be tomorrow or in two miraculous months, pushing Luffy away. He'd end up doing it somehow, for some reason. He always does, he always will. That kind of negative thinking brought tears to his eyes that were soaked up by the sleeve of his hoodie before they could even fall.

Getting caught up in the messy string of negative thoughts, he failed to hear the bedroom door creak open. Also failed to feel the presence approaching him. A hand pushed his hair back, to have a palm pressed against his forehead. His reflex was to throw up his arm as some weak kind of attack, but was caught by another hand.

Luffy's eyes stared down at him, and through the dull light, he could see how full of concern they were.

"Law?" He heard, Luffy's hand brushed against his head, then went to tangle in his hair. He thought for a moment, if Luffy could see how big of a mess... how distorted he was on the inside, he knew. He'd be disgusted, to say the least.

Neither said anything. Law had no idea how long he could keep up this... facade. He'd just gotten home, and already, felt like he loathed his life. Like the entire month he'd just spent in that damn sanatorium was for nothing. A reflection of his own existence. He didn't want to show Luffy he was weak. He didn't want to show that despite his best efforts to get better for him, for Rocinante, for _himself, _he _was _weak.

Luffy's eyes acted as a mirror, he could see his own reflection clearly. He was a fraud. A selfish, deceitful, good for nothing person. Luffy blinked, the reflection he'd briefly seen subsiding, now filled with ambiguity. He watched as his head tilted in a confused manner. He feared for himself, with how much trust he'd put into Luffy, how much he relied on him. Never before had he truly opened up, shown his bad side, good side, not so alive side, to _anyone. _

The anxiety that ate at him over the absolute fear he had of Luffy made his vision go redder than the devil, until he felt nauseous. What a terrifying thought it was.

Using the arm Luffy already had in his hand, he pulled him down while turning his own body to face him.

Law's mouth was now covering Luffy's own in a desperate press of the lips. Luffy let go of his arm, moving his hand to cup the sides of Law's face and return the kiss. It was slow, soft, and Law tried to convey everything he felt through it. He'd occasionally feel Luffy's response when he'd suck or nip at his lips.

"Law." Luffy looked worried for him. Law was awake, it was maybe nearing five in the morning. He didn't wake him, so that, what? He could sit here alone and be miserable?

"Why didn't you wake me if you were upset?"

Law didn't reply right away. He only continued to stare at Luffy through the dim light coming off the dying bulb. Took a deep breath before parting his lips to speak, then he paused,"I'm terrified."

"Why?" Luffy asked, his body straightening up, "Of what? A bad dream?"

Law's eyes shifted to stare out the window, then back at Luffy, "Of you."

"Oh." Luffy stared back intently before moving from behind the couch, to sit beside Law, taking a larger, tattooed hand in his own. "Um... what do you want me to say to make you feel less afraid? Do you want something warm to drink?" He asked, placing a light kiss to the back of Law's hand.

"I don't know. I don't." Law's voice nearly cracked, he hated the way he sounded.

"Law, you know I would have woken up and talked to you if you'd just... I don't know, kicked me or something. I don't know what I did-"

"You do _too_ much. Not... not in a bad way. I just, I'm afraid of how reliant I am on you." Law told him, returning the hold Luffy had on his hand.

"But I don't mind, I like it when you rely on me. I like to be there for you. I really don't mind it, Law. If I can help in any way you know I'd do it. I don't want to see you hurt again." Luffy said, sounding a bit frustrated with Law's stubborn side.

"I know that, and I don't think I could ever repay-"

"I don't want anything back, you know? I don't do it for something. I just... _do _it. I can't explain you know, it's just how I am." Luffy gave him a smile, but it didn't work it's usual charm on Law. He was too down tonight, in too much of a slump. He even cursed the way his mind worked- or in this case, _didn't. _

"Luffy... the thought of me doing something to hurt you- intentional or not- I can't bear it. I don't trust myself around you." Law said while the grip he had on Luffy's hand tightened. Luffy only began rubbing circles on the back of his hand with his thumb. Sometimes tracing over the tattoo he had.

"Well then, trust me instead. I wouldn't leave you over what you _think_ might happen in whatever time. That's just the bad talking. You're not bad. It's whatevers going on inside," Luffy used his free hand to lightly tap Law's forehead a few times, "that's making you think like that. I know you'd never go out of your way to hurt me."

"I don't know why you wouldn't. I'm not like you, I'm not _okay. _I get unbelievably angry and I get abnormally sad, I get too down and too high."

"Yeah... but I would do anything for you either way." Luffy said, Law's lips parting as if to reply, but then quickly closing. He let Luffy's words sink in and some part of him wished that they'd fill in the cracks that had appeared over the years. Praying he could mend the wounds.

Law's initial reply was silence. He'd been taken so off guard by Luffy's words that his brain wasn't able to catch up with him. They're words Law needed to hear for a long time, and it could have been from _anyone_, but coming from Luffy, they meant a hell of a lot more.

"Law?" Luffy called out his name. To him, Law looked to be in a daze of confusion or restlessness; it even put Luffy on edge.

"I don't know what to say to that." Law told him honestly, Luffy looking a bit taken aback as well by Law's response, or lack thereof.

"It's okay," He put on a smile, "I just wanted you to know. You look like you needed to hear something good." Law wasn't the only one who was able to put up some sort of front. Deep down, Luffy had thought Law would say something back. He didn't have any high expectations, but it still stung, getting fuck all back. But when he said he'd do anything, he meant it. Even if it was something like putting up a facade.

Law sighed and felt guilty for not saying anything back. He only wanted Luffy to be with him for as long as he could be, and hoped that one day, he could make him as happy as Luffy made him.

"Don't give up on me." He mumbled, and Luffy scooted closer, so that he could wrap his arms around him.

"Never ever." Luffy promised earnestly, and placed light kisses to his collarbone, and jaw. "Do you feel like going back to bed?"

"Can you just, not move? For a couple minutes?" Law asked quietly, the lightbulb now flickering like it could go out any second. Luffy hummed in response, buried his head into the crook of Law's neck. He placed a kiss to the top of Luffy's head, let his lips linger there and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath, taking in Luffy's scent.

Luffy closed his own eyes and could feel himself falling asleep, though he fought it incase Law needed him. Though he understood why Law couldn't get any sort of response out, he still had hope.

Hoped Law would, for him.

* * *

**A/N: **Ha. Ha ha ha. No it's not Opia as in a defect of the eye, do ya research! I have nothing else to say, let me just go hide in a corner.

~S


	17. Ephemeral

Law's morning started off with him waking up to the sound of police sirens passing by out on the street below. Followed by soft snores, and then the sudden realization his hoodie had become soaked with drool.

He figured sometime during the night the two of them must have knocked out. Luffy had ended up using him as a human body pillow, still fast asleep.

Closing his eyes, he thinks about September. How broken he was, like the beer bottles he'd shatter behind an alleyway near the bridge twenty minutes out into the city. He thinks about Luffy buying him coffee and already knowing how he takes it. Teeth clenched, chest tight to match his fists. Licks his dry lips only to taste poetry in his mouth, pulling metaphors out from between his teeth.

The living room was only a bit brighter than it had been last night, only a flicker of sunlight shined through the curtains. Law blinked a few times to get his eyes to adjust, and looked for the nearest clock. It ticked second after second, reading 11:54am. Even with more than five hours of sleep, he still felt tired and drained of energy.

"Hey," Law called out, "Luffy." Didn't get much of a response verbally as he did physically, Luffy shook his head into his chest. Law tried to slide out from under him, but when he'd felt Luffy's deadly tight hold on his torso, the most he could do was sit upright.

Slouching forward, Luffy's head slid to his thighs. With shaky fingers, he pushed his fingers through Luffy's hair. Massaging his scalp, receiving a couple low groans from Luffy's throat, vibrating against his thigh.

"Come on. It's almost twelve."

"Ten more minutes." He mumbled, and Law rolled his eyes. Stopped moving his hand around, only to leave it flat pressed against Luffy's scalp.

"At least let me go, I need to shower." Luffy did no such thing, so Law had to pry his hands off. They'd both slept without a blanket, and though it didn't make any difference now, Law pulled the lone throw he kept on the edge of the couch over Luffy, and left him to the couch.

He tugged off his hoodie and threw it into the empty laundry bin in the bathroom. Turned on the water, and stepped in. Oh how much he missed his shower. Sure, he'd have showers at the hospital, but they usually made him get out if he was in there for longer than ten minutes. Here, at _his _home in _his _shower, he could stay under the hot water trickling down his back for as long as he pleased. Life's little guilty pleasures he could indulge in with no one to stop him.

Or at least until he used up all the hot water.

When Law returned to the living room, he found Luffy not on the couch where he'd left him. Instead, he was on the floor. Curled up in a ball like he hadn't fallen half a foot to the ground. How Law didn't hear a body hit the floor was questionable. He walked over to the large window, pulled the curtains back and stared out at the gloomy looking sky and half melted snow that covered the streets.

He walked over towards Luffy, needing no more than three long strides, and crouched down between the coffee table and the lone sofa chair to hover over him. "Luffy," Stuck his hand back to ruffle his hair, hoping he'd wake up.

"I said ten more minutes..."

"Yeah, and it's been forty." He'd been a little too invested in his shower.

"Mmm lemme 'lone." Luffy groaned, his eyes only opening half way for a second before closing once again once the sun hit his eyes.

"Come on princess, don't make me get the whip out."

"You have one?" Luffy asked in a low voice, eyes still closed. Why _that _happened to catch his attention, Law had no idea.

"No. Are you into that? Is that how you _want _to be woken up?"

"No I just had a crazy dream."

"Oh yeah? Indulge me in this dream of yours that involved me owning a whip." Law's hand still tangled with Luffy's dark strands of hair, and at this point he was convinced it was only putting Luffy back to sleep.

Luffy only chuckled, lifted his head a little to see more eye to eye with Law, "I didn't know you were _that _kinky." He said.

"There's quite a lot you don't know." He gave Luffy a half smile, "Now come on, get up. It's much too early for you to be flirting like this."

"You suck." Luffy mumbled, and let his head fall back onto the pillow that had managed to drop to the floor with him.

"I can," Law began, standing up from his crouched position, "but I'd like to eat first. Didn't you say you missed brunch?" Luffy's eyes instantly opened, and if Law knew it was this easy to get him to wake up, he'd have done it sooner.

But rather than Luffy commenting on what in particular Law would be making for brunch, or throw in his own suggestions, he smiled up at him from the floor. "You seem happy."

"Yeah? Definitely must have been the shower I had."

"Yeah, _sure." _

"Did you have another possible reason behind it?"

"Yeah, I think it's me. I mean- not to sound cocky. But I work wonders."

"You're right. That _was _cocky. But perhaps I can give you a small percentage of credit, if that'll kiss up to your ego."

"My _ego _isn't what wants the kissing." Luffy pouted, lying on his belly still on the floor, despite the bribery with food Law had offered. Upon other things.

"Luffy, _flirting. _Get up and change, also wipe the drool off the floor." Law said, walking over and leaning down to pull the pillow from underneath his head. He smiled and threw it back on the couch, raising an eyebrow as if to say _get the hell on with it. _

"You _fiend!_" Luffy began, rolled back onto his back to look at Law, who stood over him, "No good morning, just demanding I get out of bed! The nerve!"

"You're on the floor and you've got dried up saliva on your chin, I wouldn't kiss you even if you begged me to."

Luffy's hand reached for his chin, immediately, he felt what Law was talking about, "Shut up!"

"Did you enjoy your dream _that _much?" Law teased and Luffy, _finally, _sat up and pressed his back against the couch.

"Ha-ha Law the comedian. You'd be a great stand up act, you know?"

"I think I'll pass. That's more up your alley."

"So what's up yours then?"

"Go brush your teeth and come back to find out." Law told him and walked over to the kitchen.

"You're no fun."

"I can be fun but I like to make my own mess, not play in someone else's." Law said, pointing to Luffy's hair and well, _state._

"You know," Luffy stretched and groaned as he walked towards the hall leading to the bathroom, "you've got a really comfy couch."

"That, I'm well aware of."

"What else are you aware of?" Luffy questioned, one hand rubbing his belly, the other pushing his hair out of his eyes that have yet to adjust to the light.

"Right now? That line of dried up drool. It's very prominent right now."

"Stop using big words m'minds not awake yet." Luffy told him, flipped him the bird and walked towards the bathroom that was still steamy from Law's almost hour long shower. He had to wonder if he'd left even a drop of hot water left, but Luffy felt a cold shower could help more, in terms of waking him up.

* * *

Luffy, now wide awake thanks to Law's lack of compassion in leaving hot water for he who also needed a shower, walked into the kitchen. Towel hanging off his shoulders, hair wet and dripping. He took a deep breath of whatever Law had cooking over the stove, and looked so in love.

"Better?" He asked, Law leaned in to place a chaste kiss to his lips.

"Much."

"Did you sleep well?"

"I did."

"Are you happy I stayed?" He let Law play with his damp hair, inhaled deeply to smell the coffee he'd started brewing.

"Very." Though Law still sounded sleepy, he also sounded grateful. "I'm very happy you stayed. You smell like me."

"Well excuse me," Luffy said, "I didn't exactly have time to bring over my shower caddy."

"Not a complaint." Luffy smiles at the half assed kiss up compliment he knows Law only says because it's _his _scent. Luffy walks around the breakfast bar to plop himself on one of the cushioned stools while watching Law mix up batter.

"You're staring." Luffy remarked, to Law's own surprise. He hadn't meant to.

"Tell me something."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, something. Anything." Law urged, turning to pour himself a cup of coffee in a large brown mug, then filled one up for Luffy. Luffy squinted and gave a deep hum.

"About? You can't be that vague, what the hell am I supposed to tell you? That robin's are red and blue jay's are blue?" Luffy asked, blowing into his own mug while he watched Law walk to the fridge and return with a carton of cream. He makes a mental note to thank Rocinante for actually grocery shopping.

Law tilted his head, an angle that gave him a better look at Luffy's scar. "About yourself. Tell me something interesting," he explained. Opening the carton of cream for Luffy- who he knew wouldn't drink it otherwise. He could take it dark, he always had.

"Well give me a second so I don't think up something that'd _bore you_." Luffy gives him a little pout Law tugs at with his thumb and index fingers with his free hand. Putting down the carton to reach for the jar of sugar on the countertop and slid it across the breakfast bar for Luffy. Thanking him, he took a couple dozen spoonfuls and dumped it into his coffee. Which by now, had become just sugar and cream with a hint of caffeine.

It'd been a couple of second of Luffy humming to himself and looking around the kitchen while stirring his beverage. Eyes often darting to the batter on the counter just waiting to be made into pancakes before he caught Law's gaze.

"Don't give me that "_anytime now"_ look! I don't know, that's a lot of pressure to put on someone." Luffy cursed his own frustration, took it out on his cream and sugar by blowing into it hard enough for a few drops to hit his nose. Physics.

"You normally have a ton of things to say and now you can't think of a single one?" Law raised an eyebrow.

"Not anything that'd interest you." He groaned and scratched the back of his head, hair still a little damp.

"Are you a mind reader?" Law asked.

"No, but-"

"Tell me. I want to know, otherwise I wouldn't be asking." He said and left it to Luffy's continue or keep up his displeased expression.

"Uh... you know people eat three square meals a day?" Luffy started and Law raised a brow, wondering where this was going. "I eat five, well I like to- I'm still growing! I'm trying to hit 5'11 that way I'm not _that _short-" Luffy paused midway when he noticed Law's expression fall flat of his expectations.

"Hey I told you it was a lot of pressure!"

"You told me something I could have guessed right if you'd given me a multiple choice question."

Luffy smiled. "_Yeah, _but isn't it much more fun hearing it from me? Like straight out of the books. But verbal." He wiggled his eyebrows and Law leaned back against the counter, which put a little distance between the two of them.

Law took a few sips of his coffee before he determined it was too hot, "So you're an audio autobiography." He offered.

"I could be, yeah. The tale of Luffy, almost but not quite there pirate who had to settle for a university education! What a tale!" He shouted, his chest pushed out and head held high along side his arms.

"New York Times best seller, I'm calling it." Law tipped his mug for him, some sort of early on congrats to the award and Luffy bowed in acceptance.

"It'd be made into a movie too, I think. Four parts, to get it all in."

"Yeah? Who would you want to play as you?"

"Myself, obviously." He grinned, "No one could compare. I think they'd all try but fall short of the role I'd want to see on the big screen so, I'd do it myself."

Law hummed into his mug, pulling it away from his lips to speak. "And your co-stars?"

"I dunno, I'd have to think." His brows furrowed as he shut his eyes and tilted his head back, only for a brief moment before they found themselves locked with Law's again. "No one too old though, maybe you could be in it. Unless another tall and tattooed guy walks on set, you might have to rock paper scissors for it. I can't pick sides."

"How very noble of you, though your loyalty there is lacking. You shouldn't even have to choose it should be a given."

"Oh yeah? Then the other guy, definitely." Luffy smiled.

"Understandable."

"Your turn." Luffy smacked a single hand down on the counter and inquired, though it wasn't phrased that way.

"What?"

"You have to tell me something now, something like equivalent exchange, right?" He smiled while looking up at Law, who had the slightest smirk across his face.

"Hardly. I don't think there's anything else for me to tell you."

"Sure there is. There's a shit ton of stuff you could tell me. I like small details about people. Like I know Zoro's favourite drink is booze, and he's super into Kendo! You could tell me uh, your favourite colour, season, meal, instrument-"

"Yet _you_ couldn't think of a single one of those?"

"You asked for something interesting, I'm just asking generally. I could tell you all that but I think you'd forget."

"I wouldn't forget, who do you take me for?" Law asked, eyes narrow and locked with Luffy's.

"I dunno, someone who forgets things, maybe. You know you always have that "_talk to me n' I'll punch you through a wall" _look." Luffy crossed his arms, as if to insinuate Law did that every chance he had. He definitely didn't. Did he?

"And what does that have to do with my memory capabilities?" Eyebrow raised, he walked back to close the distance between them, though the breakfast bar did prove to be an obstacle.

"Good point, maybe I misjudged you."

"Maybe. Or I could have a terrible memory, you'll never know." Law leaned forward, elbows pressed to the cold rock of the countertop. Mug cupped between his tattooed hands.

"I'd find out eventually, if you forgot my birthday or something. Or my name."

"How would I forget your name?"

"Amnesia?" Luffy offered a suggestion Law wasn't expecting and laughed.

"What are the off chances of me succumbing to amnesia, exactly?" He asked, teeth pressed to his bottom lip in a smirk.

"I dunno, it's early, my brain had a fart." Luffy said with a yawn, "You gonna tell me your fav things or should I think of a super _interesting _question?"

"Fine. Yellow- don't ask me why, it's ironic, but that's what it is. Autumn, anything without bread and the piano."

"Piano? Can you play?"

"Of course I can't."

"Then why's it your favourite?"

"Dunno, Beethoven was an incredible man. Maybe I just like that he did it while being deaf." He shrugged. No one ever asked him so he never had an answer prepared.

"That's twisted."

"That's genius." Law had an enigmatic smile plastered on his face the way he would if he'd drank too many beers. Luffy couldn't find a reason in him to complain about the million dollar smile.

"Hm... how about your best memory?"

"My best memory? I can't remember what I even ate for dinner last night."

"We didn't have dinner, just four bags of popcorn. Hey- see! I told you you had memory issues." He chuckled and pointed a finger at him, only to have it caught by Law's tattooed ones.

"Could be the lack of sleep."

"_Or_ you've got amnesia."

"You can't get that from listening to a certain idiot talk all day, so I'm positive it's not that."

"Harsh. Is that like, a pet name? Should I go around callin' you bastard or asshole all the time cause you call me idiot?"

"I hardly call you idiot, idiot. It just comes out quicker than your name does." Law hadn't realized he still had a hold on Luffy's index finger until his hand went for his coffee. Seeing as Luffy didn't try to take it back, he must have not minded.

"That's no fair, now you sound like my gramps." He pouted, and curled his fingers into the handle of his own mug which he'd hardly drank from due to the excessive amount of talking.

"In what way, exactly?" Law wondered if Luffy would go into not _excessive _detail, but detail enough. He only knew limited about his family and now that it'd been brought up in a way, found himself curious.

"The idiot way. I mean, he calls me that, or did. I haven't talked to him in a _long _time, but I bet every once in a while he mumbles it under his breath." Luffy half heartedly laughed to himself before he caught the look of interest Law was giving him. Urging him to continue without interrupting him. "When I told him I was gonna keep goin' to school I thought he'd be proud or something. But instead he got mad at me for going in uh, _blind_, as he said I think. Cause I didn't have a major or anything, I was just kinda wingin' it."

"Why didn't you tell me that? That's much more interesting than your eating habits." Law smiled but could tell Luffy wasn't big on the topic. He couldn't blame him. If he'd been asked he'd probably react worse, a lot less verbal, much more physical.

"Cause no one likes to hear the whole family thing, I don't ever ask cause no one likes to talk about it either. Unless they've got the perfect family but let's be honest everyone's flawed." Luffy yawned once more, all this before his meal was wearing him out. Words kept coming, though. Law's facial expression didn't seem to show off any resentment. "Hell, Nami could tell me her mom, sister, _plus_ her make the perfect three woman household, but I still wouldn't believe her. People fight all the time." He wasn't sure if he was babbling, but the more Law didn't tell him to shut up, the more inclined he was to continue.

"That's hypothetical."

"That's realism! You fight with Roci don't you? Maybe not crazy arguments but small shit that bugs you for a couple hours in the day at least." Luffy responded with a purse of his lips and looked to the side for a few seconds. Law didn't understand at first but he speculated maybe one of their own arguments made him feel that way. By the time it clicked and he opened his mouth to apologize (though it'd been months since), Luffy continued on his own. "Me n' Sabo do all the time, it's normal. People get under other people's skin but it's only cause they care, I think. I know he does it a lot especially if I don't call when I'm not coming home, he loses his shit."

"Anyone would in that situation. Hell, I would too." Law reassured him.

"I think it's mostly cause of Ace, him being gone I mean. He's gotta be the bigger big bro now and takes it too seriously." He shifted in his seat, Law could tell he was getting a little bit agitated. Not to mention he'd been eyeing the bowl of batter.

"Hm. He sounds like a good guy." Law coaxed, and turned on the stove, setting the pan on the burner.

"He is, yeah. I'm lucky cause I got two really good brothers not just one. Or none! Could you imagine?! I'd probably be at the bottom of a ditch for ten years!" Luffy laughed, this time whole heartedly. Smile very resemblant of the sun, Law thought.

"Then I'll thank them for being there for you since you're here, and not a skeleton under bugs and dirt."

"Me too, I'm happy I could be here. Bugs are cool, but I think you're maybe a _little _bit cooler."

"A bit?"

"A _little _bit."

"Well, I'm _flattered_. You shouldn't hand out such hefty compliments like that at this time of day. You don't know what'll happen." Law tapped the hand that reached for the empty bowl of batter. He figured Luffy wanted to make sure was absolutely clean of it, presumably by sticking his finger into it.

Luffy frowned at the tap, however his smile couldn't help but creep back. "I love surprises so saying that only makes me want to do it more."

"Unfortunately, my magic hat is out of surprises for today. But come tomorrow, and maybe there'll be a little something."

"Only _a little_?"

"Depends on my mood."

"Mine too, I get cranky when I don't eat." Law already knows this, and has to admit the smell isn't too displeasing to his own senses either. He can only imagine what it's doing for Luffy, no doubt torturing him even more with his lack of patience.

Law asked him to watch over the stove while he went out for a smoke. Luffy asks him if he should be doing that, and Law says it doesn't make as big of a difference as he'd think.

It was a bold faced lie Luffy foolishly bought into.

He walked to the balcony. It was cold, he was barefoot and the cement floor under him felt like it would give way any moment. He didn't really care. There was something Law knew when he was with Luffy that he couldn't quite remember when he was away. He spent time staring out at the sun that's nearly covered in dark clouds that are already bringing down light flakes of snow. He hopes all the staring could make his eyes bright again. With shaky fingers, he brought a cigarette up to his lips, held it in place with his teeth as he flicked his lighter. He heard Luffy- vaguely- shout the food looked good enough to eat. He just hoped he wouldn't burn anything in the three minutes Law would need to unwind.

It was January, and Luffy's clawing his way up his throat and into his mind now.

It's January and the way Luffy kissed him made the soil in between his ribcage felt like spring time again.

Luffy made flowers grow between his bones. And he'd be _so damned_ if any of this ever came out in a form that wasn't a mental metaphor.

His eyelashes looked like daisies. _He'd be so fucking damned._

He was a sunrise with two eyes and a strong heartbeat.

Maybe it was because they were both a little broken. Maybe it was because they weren't when they were together.

"Law!"

He was snapped out of his thoughts by both Luffy's voice, and the sweet smell of maple. Calling him in, telling him their (slightly burnt) pancakes were ready. Law realized his cigarette had gone out, only having taken three drags. He'd been completely distracted by his thoughts.

He inhaled the cold harsh frost, exhaled making his lungs feel clean again, and walked inside. His toes curled at the warmth of the floor compared to the cold of the balcony. Watching Luffy slide back onto one of the seats. Telling him to hurry up and shut the balcony door before the whole apartment got cold with the occasional harsh breeze of cold air. He had no idea how Law went out for longer than ten minutes without a jacket. Law only hearing, not so much comprehending all the chatter coming out of Luffy's mouth. Because it wasthe first day he'd been home. He sat down next to Luffy while vigorously rubbing his reddened hands, and he thought he'd like to, and could, get used to this.

* * *

Luffy repeatedly guaranteeing Law that his friends were good people replayed in the back of his head. Luffy had noticed Law was anxious, the two of them walking alongside each other down the main streets, sidewalks covered in a fresh coat of snow. So cold patches had frozen, the ice groaning underneath the hard plastic soles of their winter boots. Luffy's hands in Law's warm navy coloured gloves, holding onto a hot chocolate that acted as a portable heater. One of Law's hands stuffed into his jacket pocket, the other holding a large dark roast coffee he occasionally took sips of.

Luffy had a scarf wrapped around his neck and the lower half of his head so many times Law wonders if he can even breathe through it. Through a muffled voice, Luffy tells him he can. That's reassuring.

It was the second Monday of the month, Law felt like he was running on fumes and that might not be the best start to going back to school. But it was the best he could give. Luffy was talking about meeting up when his class ended, Law was listening, but it kind of went in one ear and out the other. He was envying the dead trees. Sure, it'd occurred to him that it was a little strange for him to be no short of jealous of a tree. Dead, but still providing oxygen for those that walk by to breathe in.

Quite honestly, it was a weird way of looking at things. He wouldn't be surprised if he'd received a look that read "what the hell?" from Luffy if he'd told him. So he kept his mouth shut, tries not to wander off in his own train of thought and keep up a conversation that Luffy, seems to be into.

The day was another where a blanket of never ending dreariness flooded the skies, the fourth day in a row it'd been like this. Law didn't seem to mind as much as Luffy did. He'd much rather it be sunny and bright out.

If Law could get the words out he'd tell Luffy he was the sun. He thinks his smile illuminates everything it touches from millions upon millions of miles away. Could blind him with the genuine passion that radiated off his surface.

Instead, he agreed. Told him the weather was just absolute _shit. _

Which it was.

But it's not what he wanted to say.

He wanted to tell Luffy about how appreciative that on days like this, he'd have the courage, the _boldness_, to hold him. To kiss his skin and bring back his colour.

None of that managed to find its way past the lump in his throat.

"Are you okay?" He heard Luffy ask through his muffler, Law nodded.

"Yeah, it's just cold as shit." He said, clenched the fist that was in his jacket pocket tighter in hopes it'd keep his hand a bit warmer. His other, bare, from lending Luffy his gloves. Luffy let out a harsh breath Law could see come out through his scarf in brisk air.

"We're almost there. It's too bad the buses were too slow, at this rate we'll probably get there before they do." Luffy grumbled, complained about the weather ruining their method of transportation. Law doesn't mind walking with him, he'd missed the fresh air. Missed the refreshing feeling he always got when talking- mostly listening- to Luffy.

"That's gross ew, I just ate!" Luffy shouted, turned his head to look back to the sidewalk they were walking on. Law also turned to his left to see what Luffy was disgusted by. It was just a corpse of a squirrel on the street that every car seemed to be swerving to avoid dismembering any further.

The sight of dead animals on the street made him cringe more than dead trees. The thought of someone ramming their car into an animal was more unsettling than anything. He couldn't envy that if he tried. No matter what he could do, he couldn't imagine himself like that.

* * *

The less enjoyable, yet familiar feeling of walking down halls filled with hundreds of students, seemed to find its way into Law's core. It sent near shivers he would have in an ice storm though his body. He already hated being back and it'd only been about ten minutes.

It was only when he heard an even more familiar voice he began to really tense up.

"Yo! Law!" Bright red found it's way through the crowd and offered a light slap on Law's back.

"What the hell?"

"You never told me you were coming back! When'd that happen? Bonney's going to be so hyped to see you!" Kid exclaimed in the middle of a large crowd trying to get past the two who've stopped walking to stand and block the way. He was dressed in a large olive green winter jacket, one that made him look even bigger than he already was. His hair out and about, as if to make a bold statement. Which given the colour, it did.

"We don't exactly keep in constant contact, Kid. How would I have told you?" Law asked. A professor by way he looked, telling them they shouldn't just stand in the way of everyone else.

"I dunno, do it the way the cavemen did it. Or you know, _text_." Kid nudged him toward a narrow hall that had significantly less people. The two walked to it before another person told them to move.

"I had other things on my mind."

"Fair enough, jeez. You had your coffee right? You're still so prissy in the morning, like nothing ever changed." Kid let out a bit of a laugh at the memory of Law always coming to school grumpy. At least, until the two skipped their second period class to grab coffee and donuts.

"I did, it's just weird being back."

"Anxiety, right?"

"Yeah." Law's impressed by the brush up of knowledge Kid's done in the past few years. Not as much as Kid thinks, but he puts on a proud face that oozes egotistical bastard anyways.

"Well I have no fucking idea how to help you calm down, but if you've got any suggestions-"

"Just shut up. And stop being _loud_, people keep staring. Not helping."

Kid, took a look around. Saw maybe, less than a dozen people, "There are like, _six _people in the hall-" He said before Law cut him off with a near snarl.

"Six people too many. Plus you, makes seven, so shut up, _please._"

"You know I hate being told to shut up, even if it's by you Trafalgar."

"Yeah? I could list off a lot of things I hate that you do too, but then we'd never get to class." Law told him, Kid only laughing in return. Felt a little nostalgic, the weird kind. Where it was a little awkward and unsettling, but felt too familiar to be too off putting. He'd dealt with Kid and his _shit _for years, that now even after all the time they hadn't spoken, it still felt like it was normal.

"What building is your class in?" Kid asked as the two went past large double doors in the main hall.

"Why, you planning on stalking me there?"

"Like hell asshole. Just making sure you don't have a mental break down before you get there."

Law looked at Kid with wide eyes, "Who _are _you?" He asked, the smile he was going to give getting caught by a yawn.

"Shut up, damn you're still as annoying as ever."

"You're absolutely no different." Law said. Kid scoffed before flashing a smile Law almost didn't catch. In the weird way it felt his old friend was back and felt a little less alone in the world, though he still loathed the past. It was just something he'd have to learn to get over if he wanted to make something of the future.

"Now that you're y'know, _out_ n' all-"

"Why do you make it sound like I just spent ten years in prison?" He raised his eyebrows and Kid gave him a light shove. Law seemed even skinnier than he'd last remembered.

"Shut up, let me talk- don't cut me off! I'm tryna help your sorry ass over here, so listen up. My grandpa needs help at his record shop, you know the one? We used to hang around there after class." Kid told him, refreshing his memory a tad.

"Or during class." Law remembered and Kid nodded.

"Yeah. He needs help and I'm working at this auto shop everyday so I can't give him a hand, n' you're the next best person. I mean- he knows you so it's no big fuckin' deal." Kid reached into his pocket and took out a pack of cigarettes, offering one to Law he couldn't say no to.

"You want me to work for him?" Eyebrows raised, he played with the cigarette between his fingers as they got closer to the exit of the building. Eager to take a long drag.

"Don't think of it as work, it's just fuckin' around. You could be on your phone the whole time as long as you cash out whoever wants to buy his old ass shit." Kid told him, tucking the cigarette behind his ear. Oddly complimented his flaming red hair Law had always thought was the result of drug store hair dye.

"Why are you asking me, exactly?"

"Did you not just hear me? I need a megaphone or something? He knows you, n' I don't think you'd go out of your way to steal six Lennon records or anything. Get back on your feet n' shit. It'd be good for you."

"How's sitting in that shop for six hours going to help me exactly?" Despite asking, he hummed to himself at the thought of not being home all the time. Also in a bad way, because sometimes he _did_want to be home all the time. He hadn't even accepted and already had anxiety about it. What if he felt so depressed one day? The ones where he can't even bring himself to _shower,_but was expected to show up for the next eight hours of a shift no one else could cover?

"Hey it's money isn't it? Better than being at home with nothing to do but uh- _study."_Kid said like it was all Law did at home.

"Right." Gave Kid a harsh roll of the eyes, "I'll think about it." He said, and flung open the door towards the larger buildings further into the campus outside. Cold air hitting his still numb face from earlier. He'd only been inside for ten minutes; his fingers were still tough to move. They had a bit of a prickly feeling to them. Joints frozen like he had frostbite. Wouldn't be all too surprised if he did after Luffy snatched his gloves.

"Yeah? You do that, but don't take ages." Kid pointed in the direction Law was headed to show him which building was which. Now outside, Kid lit his own cigarette and turned to offer a light to Law. "Man isn't getting any younger." He finished off and headed to the building opposite Law's with a wave and a puff of smoke while saying 'Cya'.

He stood outside and finished his own cigarette, fingers now redder than he'd ever seen them. Threw the butt to the floor before taking one last breath of the cold air. Heading inside the large building that he'd just have to get used to being a home away from home for the next four months.

* * *

Luffy had repeatedly texted him, asking when his class ended. Where he was. He'd never replied, because Luffy managed to find him anyways. He'd said it was the tattered ripped jeans and the smell of cigarettes. Reminded him he should quit, but bad habits die hard.

"C'mon I'm starving, my friends are already getting us food so when we get there we don't have to wait." Luffy grabbed him by the arm, one of the less public displays he'd done in the past and dragged him to the main food court that the school had.

"You mean so _you _don't have to wait, you know I don't care."

"Yeah, but it's uh, killing two birds with one stone. Getting two orders of food with one wait in line? I don't know." Luffy trailed off when he'd realized it wasn't making any sense. Law found himself chuckling to what he'd _tried _to say.

When the two arrived, Law noticed the green haired man he met back when he'd just met Luffy, waving to signal where they were sitting. He also noted the ginger haired girl sitting by his side, and the blonde with questionable eyebrows. Another one of Luffy's friends who was nearly as loud as him called out to them to hurry the hell up.

"Is that tall, dark, and handsome?" Nami jokingly asked, Zoro scolding her for the slip up he'd made once before.

"Excuse me?" Law asked and Nami sat up from her seat, swatted the air as if it'd make him forget.

"Nothing it was a uh... a joke. I'm Nami, you must be Law?" She extended her hand to shake his own, Law reluctant to, but saw Luffy's flashing smile and accepted.

"Yeah." He said. Zoro stood up next and gave him some sort of handshake he really couldn't be bothered with, Sanji only sitting and shaking his hand next. Usopp giving him a tough smack on the back saying he was glad to finally meet Luffy's other. He didn't get what the man, who introduced himself as Usopp, had really meant, but got a little too drowned in the sweet smell of his lunch to care. He almost felt like Luffy.

"Where ya been man? Haven't seen you in a while." Zoro questioned while drinking what smelt like booze but was reassured it was non alcoholic by Sanji.

"Just... here and there."

"I thought Luffy said you didn't go to school?" He asked, looking at Luffy then back at Law. Another question. Law felt like this was some odd interrogation.

"I didn't. I just reenrolled, so."

"Ah, sick. What're you doing? Like, major, minor? Masters?"

"Uh, bio. Pre-med. If shit goes by well." Law said and it was the first time telling anyone aside from Rocinante or Luffy what he actually _wanted _to do.

"Woah shit, so you're like, _really _smart?" Nami intervened and Law only shook his head. He was too modest.

"Law's super smart, he got me a B+ on my essay!" Luffy stepped in; the four of his friends faces immediately turning sour.

"So that's how you did it." Zoro sighed.

"I was wondering how you got a mark higher than Sanji's." Nami pouted and poked at her food, Usopp agreeing.

"That's why you made that bet?" Sanji asked, fiddling with a cigarette between his fingers.

"What bet?" Law raised an eyebrow at the sudden question.

"He bet us each $20 he would get above a 65% on his essay. None of us thought he would-" Nami began, sighing as the sudden realization as to _why _he'd made the bet came to light.

"HEY!"

"-so we all agreed. He was $80 richer that day." Usopp finished for her, scowling at Luffy's smiling face that was too pure to have any evil intent behind it.

Law turned to Luffy, "You never told me that."

"Yeah 'cause we had our own bet, it was a secret."

"So what'd you do with the money then?" Sanji asked him, "blow it on food?" he suggested, and when Luffy looked to the side, the four of them sighed.

"Good to know where my hours at work go. Straight into that black hole you call a stomach." Nami groaned as Luffy picked at her food, as well as his own, _and _Law's. The other three swatted his hand away each time it'd wander towards their plates of Chinese.

Law found himself oddly enjoying his time with Luffy and his four new... acquaintances. Friends, maybe.

"I'm gonna go for a smoke." Law said, and watched as Sanji stood up after him.

"I'll come too." He looked like he'd been _waiting _for someone to go, itching to light up his own.

The two walked towards the nearest exit, where a couple other people were smoking or chatting. Sanji held up the lighter, to which Law thanked him for. His own hands much too cold to fumble and dig in his pockets for his own.

"I believe Zoro's the only one you've met before us, right? Where'd you meet Luffy?"

"Ah, yeah," Law said with an exhale of smoke. What could he say? He just saved his life, is all. "At this cafe, he just started talking, really."

"Sounds like something he'd do." Sanji told him, taking a drag of his own cigarette and breathing out into the cold air. "He talks about you a lot, even over break. Whenever we'd hang and he'd be down- which was more frequent than we've ever seen- he'd bring you up. Kid's whipped." Sanji laughed, letting out the cigarette smoke from his lungs as well. Law only took another hit of his own, not sure of what to tell him.

"Just don't uh, hurt the kid. I think all of us would be pretty upset if something were to happen to him, he's a good person. It's really unsettling to see him upset too, so." Sanji told him, looking up at the sky, noticing it'd begun to snow again.

"I know, I get it. I don't like seeing him that way either it's... not him."

"Yeah. I mean," Throaty exhale, "it's none of our business what goes on between you two. We're rooting for ya, you seem like a decent guy." He nudged at Law's side.

"Hah, thanks." Law gave an empty laugh, Sanji returned with a smile. He threw the butt of his cigarette into the snow and stepped on it with the tip of his boot and released the last hit of smoke from his chest. Sanji took a couple more drags before he did the same.

When the two of them returned, Luffy looked especially happy. Like he hadn't just seen Law ten minutes ago.

"What?" Law asked.

"Nothing," he answered. Went back to eating his food that Law thought for sure he'd have finished. As he sat down, it turned out he _had, _and was now finishing off his own.

"He said you two were taking too long, so he just-" Nami looked almost disgusted with how much Luffy could eat.

"-He helped himself." Zoro finished for her, laughing all the while.

Law only smiled and sat back in his seat. For a Monday, things felt strange.

He knew some people might even label him as cynical - though he preferred _realistic_ \- but he did have a habit of becoming a bit paranoid when things felt as if they were going a little too well.

When Luffy was finished eating, he thanked Law, as if he'd offered his food to him. He'd wanted to say his first day back went rather smoothly. He wanted to thank Luffy for helping him feel comfortable around his friends. Words that never found their way out of Law's throat. He looked out the window to see frost on the edges. Watched a couple of clouds pass by and was reminded this was just... momentary.

* * *

A/N: ah, young love. Law's so whipped ha haaaa. As always thank you for reading and pls review cause I'm needy.

~S


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